Saturday, January 9, 2016

another new year, and the lessons are not getting easier.........

I know it's been a really long time. I can say this, hopefully this is entertaining enough, to keep you interested..... ha ha ha
certainly, I know there hasn't been a dull day.

I have several things I'm trying to get accomplished these days and it's taking up the majority of my time. but totally worth it, none the less....

First and foremost I must say that, the boys had a wonderful Christmas, and Thanksgiving was awesome, too. . .

My birthday 
was miserable.... LOL.....
seriously I'm so glad we got out of town when we DID, the month prior because it would have been ten times MORE depressing, had we not celebrated in any way at ALL, because I got strep throat for my BDAY!!! ohh yeah, in the walk in clinic ON my birthday. Happy 34..... I was soooooo ill, because I thought it was a cold or something and I was just being a lame ass. well NO, that's not what happened, at all, as it turns out! I can say, I felt better within a few hours. What really "set up" my horrible experience, was the day before my birthday I was really sick, and looking in the mirror in the bathroom. well, it looked like thrush on my tonsils, and you know, the baby had it, so when he had it I wiped it off, and life went on.
I stuck a QTIP in the back of my throat and proceeding to SCRAPE this white crap off my HUGE GINORMOUS INFLAMED TONSILS,
and I don't even want to say it but puss and blood came out, and let's just say It DID NOT HELP.
I was at the clinic, by 10am I think. THANKS AGAIN MOM, for taking me, and dealing with me... (more about that, later!!)
SO that lasted a couple days, and I got the heck over it.

Sam's Birthday Party.....
it was different without grama, YES, you betcha.
but not nearly as sad as I thought it would be. Sam's birthday was great, too. We were able to have it at the BOUNCE AROUND PLAYPARK this year, and he was absolutely thrilled.
on our way there,
he said, know what, mom.
what sam?
"if I had one wish in the whole wide world, it would be that every year for my birthday grama could come down from heaven or wherever she chosed to live, just for OUR BIRTHDAY TOGETHER, and then she could go back. At least it would be easier, the REST of the days"
sniffle. . sniffle.
me too buddy, ME TOO......
but you know something? I bet she's right here, with us RIGHT NOW. can you feel that love inside your heart? do you?
he rubs where he assumes this spot is,
and looks at me with a grin,
I do feel it mom, I do,,,, I have goosebumps!

CHRISTMAS DAY, and stuff...
We started a *new* Christmas Eve family tradition. To have Chinese Food together
well we might have to change the type of food, after what happened LATER<
but that's alllllllright.
let me say, at least all the christmas type activities were over with. I don't think I could forgive myself, if I "ruined" my kids' holiday but throwing up all over the house. Or laying in the bathroom floor, moaning and crying and wondering what the HELL is WRONG with your body. because it really felt like it was self destructing. What happened? I don't know honestly but this is how it went from my point of view. I'll seperate this out, if you have a weak stomach, you might want to scroll by this paragraph. . . . The doc said, either a stomach bug and or ulcer/s OR bad food poisining like the kind that almost kills you when you eat bad pork. . . . . . . .

Xmas Night, and the worst (abdominal) pain I've felt in life, thus far. 
After we came home from Mom and Dad's house, and we got all the crap brought in from the car, it was stacked all over the house, on top of my "usual" stacks of stuff to do.
Mike usually falls asleep pretty early, so he was watching TV, the boys were watching cartoons. I decided to lay out on the sofa, and put my feet up. I feel asleep, and I remember waking up feeling as if I was just about to vomit. I thought to myself, it feels like I ate some bad food. ohhhhh no.
I layed back down.
nope, THROWING UP RIGHT NOW.  so my head made it over the side of the couch. and ya know, I grabbed my teeth out in the NICK of time. (Yes, thanks grama for that lesson)
all over the "shoe box" by the front door, and yes, absolutely inside a few household members' shoes and work boots.....
I stood up, and immediately felt it was TIME, again ALREADY.
as I tried to hold my breath and lock my jaw together, the first stomach cramp hit my abdomen,
and it hurt so badly,
it felt like it stole the very air inside my lungs, and FELL TO THE FLOOR. and yes, vomitted three more times, right in the middle of the hallway.
I got up again,
holding the wall for balance. I thought, what the HELL WAS THAT? my tubes are zapped so there's like NO chance (but yes very small ) it's a tubal pregnancy. I've heard, that it's kinda like this.
again, yes, in the toilet though, at least. so there's improvement, maybe.
I hung my head on the side of the seat, hugging the bottom to hold my body up as I felt the second big cramp in my stomach. It felt like an actual knife, in my belly.
Tears were coming from my eyes already and had been. . . but when the pains really intensified, (each time my stomach muscles spasm to throw up, I'd feel the same huge amount of pain)
tears would stream down my face sometimes into my mouth, it made me unable to breath thru my nose even still I was mostly trying to hold my breath.
This continued, I mean every twenty mins, a "bout" of this horrific experience.
I ended up in the bathtub, dry heaving.......
four hours later,
I started to feel like I was going to pass out an now I had sweated so much my tshirt was soaked.
my next move,
call my mom and tell her I need to go to the ER.
Mom and Dad took me up to astoria, and I had the best nurse, ever I think. (besides my bestie, but she'll be numero uno, forever) his name was josh. and I came in, I couldn't walk by myself, and told my mom as we went thru the door, you better tell them I'm on suboxone and tell them I'm gonna throw up within sixty seconds.
she told them, but I don't think they believed her.
Until I laid my head on the desk and vomitted at least twice.
they took me in the "back" immediately.
I told them my stomach pain was the worst ever in my life and made me feel like I was going to pass out it was so painful.
I remember the nurse telling the Dr. I asked for Ibprofen and I remember my mom saying something about how, I don't complain about pain unless it's really bad, like when I had my teeth pulled, I chose no pain meds, but to just stay on my suboxone.
They put in a IV right away,
and I was upfront with josh and the fact that they always seem to have a hard time starting a line since my active addiction days, he asked me to point out where they usually will hit, so I did and then he was apologizing for the pain it might cause, I told him it was ok, and nothing compared to my stomach and thanks so much for not being an asshole to me, even though I admitted to you, I used to have  a drug problem. most people don't react with an apology, to me. you have no idea what that meaans.
I don't know if I got all that out, but man I sure hope I did.
He started it right where I told him and I squeezed my fist and flexed my arm as much as I possibly could for him. I told him, that was by far the smoothest experience I'd had. it still left a bruise for almost a week, but the one from when I had Sully, my arm was so sore I couldn't BEND MY ELBOW for a week. Anyway a bunch of nausea meds and fluid, and I was still vomitting up what felt like my actual fucking organs, until almost two am.
I had a CT and they said my small intestine was VERY inflamed.
after that they gave some pepcid and I think that was the final thing I needed, because it definitely put the fire out that was burning in my throat for ten hours straight.
and if anyone out there is reading this and knows josh, please tell him thank you at least eighty times.
I definitely don't want to forget to say thank you to my mom, for putting up with my whining and crying and moaning , banging on the rails of the bed, the pain was so fucking bad.
She looked like, , , Like I feel when sam is hurt.
it was hard on her, and I just need her to know, I know , and I appreciate it, and thank you.
My dad....
yes, dad brushed my top teeth for me, after it seemed I was done puking.
for any of you who doubt a blended family/second marriage after kids will never work, I'm sorry but you're sadly mistaken. Thanks Dad. I didn't understand much about your morals or anything else growing up, but I certainly have a different perspective, NOW. and I definitely thank you, for everything. even when you didn't HAVE TO, you DID.

So,,,,,, all the gross stuff is over. 
I still didn't feel great for three or four days. I didn't eat an actual meal for almost a week... and NO I DIDNT LOSE ONE FREAKING POUND..... yeah!! how's that possible? IM NOT SURE!!

HAPPY 2016
I started walking (and jogging as much as I could)
every morning, before the kids get up last SEPTEMBER..... I'll tell you this, that first week or so is a real bitch!!!   I swear I drug myself out of the house with one leg.... LOL
I'd be laying in bed, and the alarm would go off. and I wouldn't wanna go!!
but then I'd start to think, about how I was within five pounds of exactly what I weighed nine months pregnant, I'd get OUT of bed and just GO.
so much easier said than done!!!
by week three, I was waking up with this INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF ENERGY, I mean, wanting to go..... by the time a month went by, it was a new habit and I would actually ENJOY IT.... and how I feel right afterwards....
Cheyanne started going with me, and although she still isn't able to jog the whole thing, yet, she's dead set on not giving up and that's all that matters to me!!
sometimes, I'll go again, later in the day, especialy if I'm feeling anxious for any reason or my stomach feels like knots, then I'll go again and BOOM I'm better.
it's so great. so shocking, so NOT "ME" if you'd have asked me years ago, I would have laughed you away. LOL.... I thought all the gym people, etc were just plain NUTZO.
Haven't changed my diet MUCH, I just make better choices whenever possible. But we have a grocery budget, and food is getting really expensive. When you factor in the state judging gross income, they won't even consider a documented court garnishment, it still "counts" like you are living on that money!!! soooooo yeah, it's not easy. but I'm trying.
I have lost just about thirty pounds. That's not MY MAIN reason for doing it anyway. I want to be able to work as hard (fast) or harder than anyone else, no matter their age, experience, ETC... that's one of the things I used to take a lot of pride in. I'd capture my competitive spirit by "competing" in my head with everyone else on the job. Sure makes the day fly by, and I was usually winning. HA HA HA

Sam is doing SUPER AWESOME STILL, in school.

He got BOTH his front teeth.....
Grama used to ask me at LEAST once a month, when he was gonna get those teeth!!
Sam is CONVINCED Grams sent them, to him, one for his birthday, and the other for christmas..
****sniffle, sniffle****
The pediatrician wants Sullivan to have an ESD evaluation already. He's "borderline" delayed.
I keep taking deep breaths.... I think it's a weeeeeee bit early for that.

other than that they are both really thriving and seem very happy. Sully is really attached to his Daddy right now. He cries for him during the day, so I'll call him, and sully will kiss and hug the phone and say wuv u da da.
it's the sweetest thing ever. LOL
and I think it's really good for Both Mike and Sullivan..

Mike's Probation  saga..........
He has the original Probation Officer again..... and that's been OKAY actually.

I dunno six or eight months ago,
Mike tells me he "technically" needs six month of aftercare, which is going to class once a month instead of every single week.
He and I went and spoke with his therapist, who informed us both, he could make the after care shorter, if need be.
SO this one day, we're in the car about a month ago.
he says,
I really hate to say this but my probation is being extended because in the plea agreement it states BOTH graduate the state certified program AND 36 months, which ever occurs, LAST.

oh awesome.
so DisneyLand will have to happen next Christmas or Spring Break 2017.
(mike also said the therapist told me he's not gonna take any calls from you.... OH really? ya that makes perfect sense)
an I really feel like I checked out mentally, for a while.
I had to.....
it's like I was thinking for thirty fucking months now, we're almost there, we're almost there, and now BAM fucking back to square one.
it's HIS FAULT IT"S completely HIS FAULT.
and I told him that.
you know he used to try and minimize my feelings and say I was dramatic, ETC ETC.
now when I go off like that he just sits there and says sorry every time he CAN get the word in and looks at me like, I'm trying, I'm here, I'm listening, I'll take whatever beating I deserve.
and he won't "fight" with me, argue, or anything.
it's so infuriating!!!
but I think things are getting better. His communication is getting better and his parenting is definitely improving leaps and bounds.

Sam and Mike are going to a movie and to get a haircut, and it's the first time since BEFORE JANUARY 2013 that he's been able to take Sam somewhere by himself.
they are both absolutely elated. Sam even had tears when I told him it was really happening.

I do miss my grama, very much.... I think of her on and off thru the day. sometimes a tear will roll down my cheek, for no reason that I can think of.
When I'm running in the morning, and it's barely raining on me,
as the drops touch my face, I sometimes pretend, they are her kisses.
I'm doing allright.

I'll end things there for tonight, I do have more to tell you all but I don't know when it will get done....
January 2016
I love you.
***even on my worst day, I'm still a fucking rock star***

I'm gonna share a few pictures, and that'll have to do!!



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