Sunday, September 27, 2015

Skeletons and Acceptance

There's a lot of things I've learned recently. Mostly about myself. You know, it's amazing to me, that still four years later, I still feel like im trying to find my footing. It's easier, don't get me wrong but I don't know that I ever realized how long the struggle lasts. A LIFE TIME......

We all have things we're not proud of, moments in our lives when maybe we lost control, lost what was most important to us, but by the time we realize that, it's too late. It can really kick you in the gut, when your past kind of collides with the present, and you're unprepared. I'm still making amends with people, for my past actions. All I can do is try, and try again. 
Just recently, I was able to make amends with a person very close to my heart. She wasn't ready for a long time, I mean three years! But that's OKAY. I don't fault her for that, she only wanted to make sure I was really doing it this time. As anyone who has loved an addict can tell you, it sucks to think and believe we're finally better, then we relapse AGAIN........
She forgave me and we shared a bear hug, she held the baby, we laughed and cried about the past and went our separate ways. But I am here to tell you, there was a weight lifted off of me like none other that I have ever experienced. It was a wonderful day. 

Children put their parents on a pedastal , and all too often the parent has no idea. Did you know that by apologizing to your own children, it makes them more likely to come to YOU when they seek forgiveness? It's true. I couldn't imagine fessing up to my mom, without having heard her own apology, for any other reason. 
Sam and I went to see his new doctor. It was about a two hour appt. she was awesome. She even assured me that she doesn't turn anyone in to the authorities, without telling you that first. I said well already been there, done that, and it doesn't even scare me anymore! Lol. We laughed, we cried, then Sam joined us. She has a ton of Lego in her office , so they got along JUST fine! I guess that's why it took six months to get into see her! She's THAT great. I'm so relieved to have an ALLIANCE in this department. We upped the Strattera dose about 20% and left everything else the same. I told her in front of Sam, he's in charge of the meds, he's the one putting it in his body, etc. when he expressed his hate for adderall and the stomach aches, she read a study in her book about stimulants and growth, so Sam was reassured, he didn't have to try them again. 
We had some good conversation on the way home, too. He's doing TERRIFIC in school! He's been getting homework done "when I finish my work in class, I just do it " so he already has it done by the time he's home, we don't have to argue about it or anything,,!!!!!!  Amazing I know! 

Sullivan is running around all over these days !!!!!!
He certainly stays busy! He already says almost ten different words, he cracks himself up ALL the time too! He's about 35 pounds and wears a 24mo/2t. 
He's bigger, both taller and heavier than Sam was at 13 months. 
Sam's baby book says at 13 months he was 26 pounds, and wearing 12/18mo. 
Wow. Wonder how much taller he'll be at almost 7 , like Sam, he's almost at my shoulder. 

They're both very happy boys. We're all happy, really........ I mean considering everything, we could be antisocial and hostile, but instead we're happy to be together! 

Mikes almost completely done with his treatment classes, he's gone to pretty much every single week, the last two and a half years. He's got one chapter of book work left, then he'll only have to attend once per month, and as of February, he'll be completely off supervision. He's trying so hard, to make sure he does everything right. Please don't forget all the ridiculous shit we have (he has) weathered to get to the point we're at. In a nutshell, an overnight stay took 18 months of good/perfect behavior. The first six months he couldn't call Sam on the phone, just when Sully was born he could only be at the hospital for 4 hours, and had to be escorted in and out by security. 
The PO that he's had since February,,,,is leaving......ya I know....
Apparently he got a better job. I can't blame him, I mean he seems to really care and wants to actually help people so this is probably not the best place for him..... And of COURSE who is back? Ya, but at least this time things are a lot different, hopefully she doesn't try to change anything! Our visitation schedule, living arrangement, has been signed by a judge so We're hoping that means it will take a judges signature to CHANGE it, too. 
He earned a bonus at work, we talked about it and decided to get it in November, to use for Christmas gifts. This is going to be the first year in a very long time that we'll be able to buy more than one thing for the boys for Christmas. !!!!!!!! And I want Sam and Sully to pick a kid off the tree to buy for!!!! You have to remember to give back you know? It's muy importante' 
Sam has two football games near the Astoria hospital, and chris signed off that he MAY ATTEND both games at their last appt. yay!!!! Sam is so so happy! And my mom and dad are going to! So now he's even MORE excited! 
Mike would ask me to record the baseball games, and I did do it a few times. But then I thought about it, and the next time he asked, I said no. Of course he asked why,,,,, and I said,
I'm not mad or angry anymore, I'm way over that part. Buy me recording the game, it doesn't make it OKAY that you're NOT there....doesn't mean he or I will ever forget why you can't go. And I'm not trying to throw it in your face or punish you more, I'm telling you how I FEEL even though I'm not proud of it, it feels unfair. I don't even want to go half of the time, but I lost my choice. 
He of course felt like shit, but instead of getting mad or resentful toward me, he apologized, and thanked me for telling him how I really felt about it. I'm telling you, he's changed a lot. 

So here comes winter! After the first of the year my brother and I will be getting the business going, hopefully. LOL. No, we will because I actually got him talked into helping, and of course being a business partner basically. Hes definitely what I was lacking in the office department! Now I feel so much more confident about it! 

So stay tuned folks. I promise it won't be so long before I write again! 
I love all you guys SO MUCH!!
Thanks for listening.


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