Friday, August 7, 2015

The next chapter of my journey

Yes it's been a LONG while since I was here. Please accept my sincere apologies if you were concerned or anything. There's nothing to be concerned about. 

Things are going fairly well actually.....I'd say that I'm pretty happy in a very general way, for the first time in a really long time....... Mike and I are getting along better than , well,,,, EVER . So that's pretty awesome to have, and feel. The sense of security I find in our relationship and marriage is completely brand new to me. I guess it was something I didn't know or feel, or know how to find. There's a lot of credit that needs to go to mike, too. Because you can rest assured he had to earn every ounce of respect, empathy, love, friendship, and everything else. I didn't "give " him anything. Having experienced exactly what I have,,,, I KNOW you have to work for things for them to be worth fighting for. If you don't have to work for it, then it's too easy to throw it away again. Mikes also working on transparency in our daily lives. Meaning, communication all the time, even when it's things he would have never talked to me about three years ago. He does now, without hesitation. I am so proud of him, in so many ways, and I'm so relieved he's sincerely stepped up to take care of his responsibilities; including his family and children,,, but also probation and classes, ETC. I can honestly say these days that if I had to do things all over again, to get where we are RIGHT horrible as it was getting thru some months,,,, I'd do it ALL AGAIN, as long as I knew this, where we are now would be waiting at the end. It's been a HELLUVA ride. 

Sully is about to turn a whole year old already ! I can hardly believe that! He's such a little love bug these days. He's learned how to "give loves" and it's just about the cutest thing ever!
Sullivan David continues to be the happiest little person I have ever seen or even heard of. That's just FINE with me. He's saying a few words now, he's ALMOST walking. He cruises around the room by hanging on to anything and everything, he will also walk with you, holding your hand, but he's still pretty wobbly! He's gotta weigh almost forty pounds too. LOL. I'm pretty well tired of standing in place holding him, because he just squirms around trying to get you to put him down, not to mention he's freakishly heavy! And people think he's a toddler, which is awkward. 
Anyway we're having his first birthday party where we had Sams first birthday, years ago now, lol. It should be fun. 
Sam is chomping at the bit, ready to get back to school. I think it's the strict schedule, that helps him mentally keep control of his emotions. Recently he's been quite challenging! He laughs at me when I'm irritated or something, of course which pisses me off way worse. He refuses to clean up his toys, both/neither inside or outside!!! So he must have way too many toys, or stuff to play with, if he doesn't care about losing it for leaving it out. His answer to my questions about it, "well I guess I should ask daddy for a new one " 
Yeah. We'll see about THAT plan. 
In the last two months he's screamed "I hate you " at least three times. I know he always feels bad afterwards, but it still cuts pretty deep. I ALWAYS return it with, sorry you feel that way but I still love you EVEN when I'm mad or upset. 
Probably half the time he doesn't hear me, because he's still yelling. 
I'm hopeful that school starting will help, and/or flag football is getting ready to start, he'll have practice four nights a week, for two hours... Maybe they RUN them! Lol..... We can ONLY DREAM. . . 
He's still attending therapy, and I do think he gets at least SOME things from therapy. They do behavior therapy, different exercises to help him cope with situations where he gets super anxious.... We all need that, huh. 

About grama. . . . . .
Just like anyone else, I have good days and BAD days too, on occasion 
There's days I'm just sad and a little depressed, maybe a bit lonely too. I miss her SO dang much! 
If I try REALLY hard to, I can hear her voice singing,,, or even a very distant laughter. Every time I hear or receive AWESOME NEWS, the first reaction I have is to pull my phone out and dial grams. Cuz she was never too busy to share a high five, even if thru the telephone line.......
And I often wonder about Sam's negative attitude, if maybe he's having a tough time, ? Who knows... I do know that every single one of us has had some hard times no matter what's going on... I get that, therefore I try to be very empathetic, especially with Sam. The moment you minimize this kids feelings,,, is the moment the demonic entity shows itself! LOL but seriously.......he does......
Anyway moving forward, there's a big gaping hole in my heart, maybe it even beats different now. I'm not overly, like alarmingly depressed, but I do, on rare occasions get really sad. And that's OK. Or so they tell me. 😔😔😔
We recently went to the county fair as a family...... First time since this whole thing started with Mike. It was a really nice outing with the kids. Nice to be all together, and not even worried! 👍☀️❤️
Mike and I went on a date for our anniversary at the end of July as well. Yes, that was a FIRST as well. It was wonderful. I love him so much. And that feels so good, it's not forced, I'm not holding back resentment, I'm just happy to be in each other's presence. 😍
I'm trying to get a picture with the boys, and Sully solo, for a one year old photo shoot, or whatever you want to call it. 
I'm gonna post a few that are NOT perfect yet. Working on it, still 😒

Well that's what I have for now. 
Short and sweet today. 
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for your support! 

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