in certain situations, sure,,,, probably way too much.
but, I don't in the presence of some people, when I know it bothers them... I have to really lose my patience, to say it in front of my boys.... but once in awhile, life isn't fair.... it's not ONE bit fair, or anything similar.... and its FRUSTRATING AS HELL..
and let's face it, life's freakin messy sometimes.
I don't care WHO you are, you know, deep down, you've made your own messes, stepped in other people's and maybe even judged other people's messes. that's okay. none of us, is perfect.
and what beautiful souls we encounter in our lives, because of this fact.... there are some people, who truly are one of a kind. I know I'm one because I've never met anyone even close to exactly like me. I've learned to love myself, anyway. . . . . we all bleed the same. .. we all came from the same place, and we all end up some place, too. none of us have any control over these events. well, very seldom might be better.
anyway, here ya go. (less than five F bombs ahead)
my fading hero.....
remains somewhat anchored to her recliner and the bed....
she sleeps most of the day..... can't really get herself to her feet (even with the walker) by herself anymore....
hasn't really been eating... she still drinks lots of fluids, but she drinks ONE ensure over the course of two days probably.... maybe two BITES of food, per day,,, IF ANYTHING...
she's just growing weaker and weaker......sicker and sicker.... more and more exhausted......
I feel like I'm already grieving MY grama.... because this person, tied to the recliner, isn't her.... Yes, she looks like her.... somewhat....
but she doesn't sound like her, doesn't laugh like her, doesn't smell like her, or smile like her.
And I'd still walk thru fire in a moment's notice, for her any day.... ANY DAY.... I wouldn't hesitate if I could take all her pain and give it to myself.
One night as I was helping her to bed, I said, is there anything more I can do for you tonight? anything I can do to help you in any way?
she says, no... thanks so much for taking such good care of me honey.
you'd do if for me, hell you HAVE done it for me, I'd do ANYTHING for you, just name it.
she said in a faint voice,
"I'm just miserable, and I don't think there's anything anyone can do"
I felt my eyes swell, like I was gonna lose it right there next to her bed....
I hugged her neck, and kissed her forehead, and told her not to fight for me, I promise you I'll prevail.... I promise you, I will make you proud every day.
she closed her eyes, and I said, I love you SO MUCH, do you know that.
yes, Am ,,,I love you too, just as much.
I turned around and walked out of the room...
and it dawned on me...
I think that's the FIRST, and ONLY TIME I have EVER heard my grandma complain,,,, really complain about anything......ever.......
like in my ENTIRE LIFE ON EARTH.....
she's stubborn as shit, that's for sure. and she's obviously not going down without a fight.... she's made it far longer than anyone speculated...... props to you grams..... PROPS to YOU....
the rest of the story on my/our CPS Investigation/inquiry
So, when the CPS worker pulled in,
and told me a WPD officer was on the way, my stomach dropped into my feet.
I couldn't help but ask,
"are you planning on removing my kids or something?"
Not at the moment, no. I'll give you more details after we get started but CPS doesn't actually want to remove children from their home unless they are in what we call "emanate danger"
There is no concern of that at this time, but in all honesty, I do have a lot of questions.
She also added,
I try to be very forth coming with any relevant concerns, and let parents know if there IS a threat to their children or how they could possibly remove the threat asap.
I explained to her, I was willing to cooperate to the fullest extent necessary, but that I do have an attorney and I'm fully aware of my rights, as well.
she seemed to absolutely respect that.
meanwhile.... guess who rolls up to my house.........
this dude, who I went to high school with, who I know he KNOWS who I am, I mean c'mon....... (another reason.... he lives right next door to where Sam went to Daycare for the first 2-3 yrs of his life)
he announced that he was FULLY and WELL aware of my husband's status, and what "trouble" hes had in the past, and
IS HE HERE? as he took two steps, towards me ALMOST in an aggressive-I'm the BOSS-manner.....(he put his hands on his hips, one on his weapon)
no..... hes at WORK. ya know, so he can support his family.
cop---yeah, Cuz I know he's not supposed to be here... but I have heard he comes around once in awhile.
that really pissed me off.... But I kept calm... I kept my composure, and fired on back,
Oh really? well I don't know where exactly you are getting that from but it's complete bullshit. he's ALMOST approved to come home right now, like half time at least,,,, tell me why would we fuck THAT UP? when it's taken well over TWO YEARS TO HAPPEN????
next, he asked who his Probation Officer was, and I enlightened him, he said, Yeah I KNOW *****, he's a good friend of mine.
I'm like, o, okay dude.
he takes two steps towards me again, in the same exact, I'M IN CHARGE HERE, manner......
he says, well all visitation, EVERYTHING ENDS RIGHT NOW... until you hear otherwise from me, or CPS.
(while this is going on outside, my Mom is inside with the boys)
my core body temperature immediately rises..... I feel the muscles in my back and shoulder FILL with strength, as I hear Sam cry from the window, "I Can't see my Daddy?"
I ask Sam to get back inside, I will handle this and you most certainly will be able to see your father.
I said, in a very assertive, NON aggressive way,
do you have ANY CLUE how many entities have to give permission for these visits? DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET VISITS???
well almost a fucking year.....
and I'm looking at him like, DO YOU?
he's either not listening, and too busy thinking up what to say next or he's ignoring me ..... either way I really don't think he heard one syllable.
How many kids do you have, he asked me.....as he's staring at the ground now, like moving a clump of grass with his shoe...
he says, and are they BOTH Michael's biological children?
well DUH DUDE..... (No I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!)
Yup.... is what came out...... no baby daddy drama here, I thought to myself. (and probably smiled)
he says, well you have CPS Involved now, and so all visitation is suspended. I mean HE CAN NOT SEE THE KIDS.
I started to explain, exactly what we have been thru, as a family, he CUT ME OFF MID SENTENCE,
to announce ONCE AGAIN, how much he knew of my husband and his status.
ya, you said that, oh holy one. (no I didn't say that, but I sure wanted to)
I said, this is MY FIRST EXPERIENCE with CPS so excuse me for not knowing protocol.
he says, well ya do now. (in just about the rudest way possible, even added a smirk)
I quickly added, that doesn't mean FOREVER ya know...
It was that VERY moment, the CPS worker,
asked the officer to leave, and I QUOTE,
"thanks for your time officer, but I think I have this handled, Amber is being more than cooperative with me and I think you are only adding aggression and anxiety to the situation."
I didn't hear what he said back to her, but I know he wasn't happy.
he left though, guess that's the important part.
She walked up to me, and explained as soon as she could get ahold of Mike's PO and just verify our visitation agreement, then everything would go back to normal, and that as long as that could get done before 5pm, nothing would mess up our weekend schedule.
then she asked if I needed a moment to breath..... guess it was that obvious how absolutely infuriated I really was.
I absolutely needed a minute or two to calm down, and stop shaking, and let my muscles DE-flate back to normal.....
I was thinking, just who the fuck is THIS GUY to act that way towards ME?? or MY kids? just what the hell gives HIM to right to act so much better than me? doesn't he bleed the same as me? his life isn't more important nor more valuable than mine, and obviously he's got some issues. MOST COPS< Will let you talk as LONG AS YOU WANT TO> because (they are trained maybe?) to let you talk, as you speak words you vomit information..... apparently this LEO already knew all he needed to know about unimportant little ol me.
so, to explain the "complaint" I have to back up for a minute....
I have to pause my story right here.....
the previous month or 6 weeks maybe leading up to my phone call, Sam had really been complaining about severe stomach aches, from his meds. (stimulant ADHD meds)
he'd lost almost 7 pounds again,(he's over 4' tall and weighs average of 55 pounds) and he would cry when it was time to take them. I made an appt, but the dr. pretty much told me, this was really the best case scenario option, and she was one of two dr's in the area who would prescribe it to a child. (pretty much you're stuck with it)
I Felt helpless and like a failure.... so I quit making him take it. I refused to pick up the following two refills from the pharmacy. I mailed back a hardcopy for a new Rx, and put a note in it, that I wasn't going to fill any more stimulants, until he could gain a little weight back at the very least.
One Tuesday afternoon, the dr. office called me, and I had missed the call.... I was ordered to come in for a med count, of ALL his meds.
I ignored them....
they called again the next day.....
I ignored them......
Friday rolled around, and I had this voicemail on my phone.....
"amber this is (insert name) from dr. ..... office, and you have failed to show up for a pill count. the dr says you need to get down here by the end of the business day today or you will have very severe consequences you won't like"
I went down there, with an empty pill bottle, and was accused of diverting meds.
I said, call the pharmacy, I never picked up the new Rx. and didn't you guys receive a hardcopy script in the mail, with a note?
she told me, she knew I was lying and she knew my "history" which only further proved her point.
how could I 'win' at that point?
I started to gather up my things and go. It was right then the dr. came back in and said she wouldn't be prescribing Adderall to Sam anymore.
I was like WOW that's EXACTLY what I have been asking for.
She said she would write him for some Strattera a non-stimulant medication, and that was that.
I was happy.... this is what I was trying to get the entire time.
So I left.... with the new prescription.....
it was the very next week that CPS contacted me.... I played the voicemail from the dr office for her.... she said she would have done the same thing I did.... (wow, right?)
So back at my house, explaining this cluster craptacular situation,
I said, I know ignoring them probably wasn't the BEST way to go about it..... obviously I learned that.. but I had no idea this was going to come about? I had no idea the dr. felt I was neglecting my child... and honestly, let's look at the situation with some common sense... if I wanted to divert adderall, why wouldn't I divert my own?
as I showed her my prescription bottle for the month, and some extra ones I had.... I mean, I am prescribed 20mg, twice a day, and I have more than I should have, meaning, I don't take them EVERY single day, and so why would I "waste" time, getting my son's, which were 10mg, once per day?
I mean, c'mon.....
Basically four hours later.... After interviewing my Mom, my son and myself....
she let me know they can and might get full phone records, (to make sure I wasn't selling meds)
I signed over my medical record, more specifically ALL MY URINALYSIS from the last FOUR years. at least once a month having a full drug test.... I mean, HOW MANY people can prove that? can sign over a record of UA's from the past four years, every single one, LEGIT.
(my addiction dr's approval anyway)
there's a lot more other boring details...I am really glad, my Mom was there.... at least I felt like I had back up..... at least if I lost my composure, maybe mom could be the cool headed one, and they wouldn't take the kids..... that's what kept me calm cool and collective. and I don't think I ever told her..... THANKS Mom.... I appreciate you and the new memories I have been able to make with you . . . I don't know why I'm not good at saying these things, but I'm trying to get better. Thank you , for helping me to see, that I'm not going to be all alone in the next coming weeks/months.... that maybe we can spend some more time together and maybe that will help both of us heal somewhat. I certainly hope for that.
by the way..... PROPS to mike's new PO..... I emailed him after the caseworker left (probably 1pm)and BEGGED him to make sure and call her by 5pm, so that Sam wouldn't have a mini breakdown..... and HE DID !!!! caseworker called me around 430 and let me know she had it IN WRITING exactly what our agreement was and she was SORRY for the confusion with the police officer.
(((yeah, buddy.... F you and the high horse you rode in on!!!)))
also on a side note.... a few days later I met his PO for the first time... and I thanked him for his quick response to my request, and said you'll never know how much I appreciate that. I explained to him what the cop said and more importantly ,
HOW he said it TO ME... TOWARDS ME...
he said, "I wouldn't say we are buddies....... (pause)....... but thanks for letting me know. and I'm sorry he spoke to you that way, that's not fair"
my inner brain couldn't even process what I was hearing... I wasn't used to such... HUMANE TREATMENT...
OH MY GOD... is this guy using COMMON FUCKIN SENSE? NOOOO WAY!!
We discussed some other stuff, and he let me know he was very happy with mike's continued forward progress and as long as he keeps doing what he's been doing, he's got ZERO concerns/issues with him.
which, let me just say,
was like a breath of fresh air after being in a dungeon for 2 + years. the PO also told me, if we were to get thru this CPS inquiry, and have no problems, well that certainly tells HIM a lot.
Things continue to go well, on that front.
The following week we had a walk around at Grama's house, too.... the caseworker had her interview with Mike, and he did great.
It was about 5 days after that, she gave me her findings of "unfounded report" and let me know it would go on this permanent record, in the State's computer.... and that in the future, it will take more than just here-say for them to come out and have an inquiry again.... that's a nice bonus eh? Like if someone says, I think Amber abuses her kids... well it's gonna take a little more proof than that. because they've already dug deep, and didn't find anything!!!
******huge fucking sigh of relief********
well that's about it for tonight....
I'm processing things as well as I can.... I cry when I need to, I go for a drive and blast the rock music, when I need to.
I have a poem I'm writing for my grama... to honor her memory.... to share with others about her, and how much I have cherished our time together...... I write here, to you all when I need to. . .
and I'm not perfect....
I have those FUCKITALL moments, where I feel like throwing it all away. But, those pass by as well,,, and I move forward.... I keep moving forward, no matter what... I have two little boys whom I cherish, that really count on me to hold my shit together..... So I'm doing it. And apparently I'm doing it pretty fucking well.
THANKS FOR READING
thank you ALL (well you know who ya are)
for your support.... for listening to me ..... for asking me how Im doing.
all my love,,,
|Grams & Gramps approx 1999|
|2014 Christmas Day|
|MAY 13TH 2015|