Saturday, April 18, 2015 never easy... it's not supposed to be......

so there’s this thing, that happens, as  we age…..
every day, we wake up, our feet hit the floor, and like the sands thru the hour glass,,,,,, we live day after day, week after week….
{we covered time…..}
next,,,, it seems we begin life,, with nothing, unable to do anything for ourselves…….. well at least in talking about “natural” death, that’s pretty much how that works, at the END of LIFE< too……. isn’t that a strange coincidence???  
as the years pass, the birthdays too,,,,
it seems they come faster and faster, every time….
and you begin to VALUE things, PEOPLE rather than thing, in your life…. I don’t know how anyone else’s experience went,
but in my teenage years, and my EARLY twenties, too…..
I was very selfish…
no, I didn’t recognize it at the time, because obviously, the WHOLE WORLD REVOLVED AROUND ME,
I didn’t have the time to process my own feelings, let alone understand any body elses!!
then, , , ,
more years passed by,,,,,, I started to really love others, my relationships that I realized I was lucky enough to have, LUCKY ENOUGH To get a fresh start,,,,
the kids came….. My hair started to grow in gray, (only in patches, so far)
finally got my teeth fixed, by getting dentures, and let me say, if you want to instantly ADD 20 years, and lower your IQ to your shoe size, have all your teeth pulled and then smile at yourself in the mirror……..
then there was a few months, a few different times where I didn’t know WTF Had happened to this UNRECOGNIZABLE “life” I had built around me and watched fall apart completely……
again……..just in  a very different way….
these EXPERIENCES came blasting thru my “life” as I Knew it…. as I had become comfortably annoyed with
Partnered along to these experiences, buried deep in emotional garbage, are LESSONS to be LEARNED,,,,
PAIN TO FEEL>..... pain to experience all the way thru each stage.
I don’t mean, stub your toe, or break a bone PAIN>..... I’m talking about emotional pain that hurts so much pain, you are physically ILL>...... it really DOES Feel like something is carving a hole in the middle of your chest and all you can do about it, us watch and sob.
You can’t talk to me about emotional pain,
unless you have cried so many tears, you didn’t have any left while continuing to sob…….
I believe with pain comes empathy and understanding,
lessons on what life truly IS about for you,
knowledge on how to keep the people you love in your life for the long term.

I don’t have it “all” figured out…… all I can do is continue to hit the floor every morning and tell myself I”ll do the best that I can, with everything I do today……..

and make sure to get my emotions OUT, somehow, every once in awhile…
so here ya go!!!!!  it’s a doozy.

GRANDMA’s medical care,
was taken over by HOSPICE CARE< a little over two weeks ago now. Nobody really “knows” how long, EXACTLY That she has…. but I know it’s not long.
I have seen her lose about FORTY POUNDS< in the last two months….her skin just hangs off her bones, like
like wet cheese cloth hanging off the handle of a pan…..
and I know, it’s cuz she can’t really eat anymore….. I make her breakfast each morning, when I’m there you know…. sometimes a poached egg, sometimes just cereal….. sometimes a “SMALL” pancake….. she has seemed pretty impressed with SOME Of my COOKING>.. which,,,,, let’s face it,,,, you could say she always seemed rather UNimpressed with before…. LOL
it’s a real struggle for her, to get to her feet these days. . . she CAN Do it, yes. but it’s not pretty. . . I don’t let her know it, but I keep my arm behind her back, JUST IN CASE>... but if she sees me do it, she will say over and over again, “I’M FINE”
until I take my arm away…..
but I am always worried…. I am always in a constant tug of war, about not taking MORE “independance” away from her, yet trying to keep her safe…..

The Hospice people are so nice…… it takes a real special “breed” to do this kind of “end of life” care…… and it definitely shows…. they all seem very heartfelt and genuine….. hospice seems to be all about the “natural route” of the end of life. They ask about a million questions on what “interventions” you may or may not choose should all these weird “situations” happen with your medical care. Grandma explained to me awhile ago, about her and Grandpa both choosing to have a DNR Order. and I completely understood her reasoning, after we talked. When hospice did their questionnaire,
she chose “no” for any and all interventions…. which I understand.
I mean, if you think about it, what kind of life, is she really ‘living” right now……
compared to let’s say two years ago.
five years ago….
Yeah………...It’s selfish at this point, to want her to be here, just to save  myself from the pain of moving on….. well that’s what I keep telling myself.
It’s gonna suck….. it already hurts…… but I think I’m about as ready as I possibly can be. And I feel like I Have prepared Sam just as much as any parent could “prepare” a child for losing a very close loved one. . . . they “snuggle” Under his scoobydoo blanket EVERY MORNING when we are over there…… before he gets ready for school….. Sam saves his apple from afternoon snack EVERY SINGLE DAY>>.. for his grandma. . . . . . One day I asked him why he does that,,,, and he said, “because an apple a day keeps you healthy”
ohhhhh, OK
what a sweetheart, eh?
well enough about that, for now. Any friends or family reading this, if you think you’d like to SEE HER< ,,,,,, You should come pretty quickly….. Grama worries about being a burden on her family, about someone HAVING TO “TAke care of me” all the time. . . . . If she has anything to do with the “DEcision” of no mare, My gut just tells me, she’s  not gonna lay around, bed-ridden very long at all…..

Sam is doing so well in school……
if we could just GET THERE ON TIME EVERY DAY<
he’d be a damn near perfect student….. LOL… okay maybe that was a stretch…. he really IS doing great though…. yes, he’s late, A LOT… but not as much as when I was under the impression “school” started ten minutes later than it actually does….. LOL…. yes, I’m “that parent” who is always late, for everything…..
WHY?  you may ask…..
well If I KNEW THAT, we wouldn’t be late……

Sullivan, is all over, everywhere, all the time…..
ARMY CRAWLS EVERYWHERE>>. and it’s really cute.
he’s starting to attempt the “pull up” onto the front of the couch and reclinders… and he usually falls straight back onto his big ol’ head, every time… cuz he lets go!!!!   usually because he starts hysterically giggling when he gets upright… he gets very impressed with himself and then loses his balance…. what a show off…
He hit 8 months old, about a week ago.For clothes right now he’s mostly wearing 18 mo and 2T…. yes, I know………... NUTZ….. he continues to be the happiest baby I have ever seen or heard of in my entire life. this kid, just laughs, at nothing ALL DAY LONG. You can just talk to him, and he giggles, smiles and squeals.
He started to say “momomomomomomom” a few weeks ago,and more recently started “Da da da da da da”
ha ha
it’s hysterical. I mean seriously…. hearing YOUR baby laugh until they’ve run out of  breath….. is there any better sound, in the world?
He’s really growing into his own little person.

Finally….. GREAT NEWS from this common topic…..
after just about 26 months ON probation….. (not including the time in county)

one hundred and thirteen WEEKS…..
113 friday “movie” nights.

113 saturday morning hugs.

791 dinners.
after 18,992 hours ,,
missing 791 “goodnight Daddy”(s)

he can now be HOME… really HOME with us, his family, on the weekends…..
that might not sound like a lot, to some people.
but, going thru what WE have gone thru, it’s HUGE…. only people, IN this situation, or thoroughly SCHOOLED in the subject usually due to someone close to them, being in it……
ONLY THEY KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS….. they know how hard mike’s been trying each and every single one of the days mentioned….. Imagine someone “toying” with your whole entire life, capable of taking any thing away from you, at any given moment, for hardly any reason at all…. I mean let’s say they are pissed at their significant other and decide to take it out on the “next one who comes in the door” and it happens to be someone you care about.
I won’t spend too much time on that topic, It will only put me in a bad mood. LETS THINK ABOUT THE GOOD STUFF….
he’s almost done with classes/treatment…
he’s got about 9 months left on supervised probation.
he/we have paid off his entire overpayment to unemployment ($18 GRAND)
in just over two years….
he’s passed every polygraph, including a full history one that apparently many people fail, fail more than once.
he continues to do well at work, keeps a good attendance record, and is always willing to help his boss whenever he needs it, or asks… in turn his boss really wants to help with anything court/probation/character reference wise that he possibly can.
communication with me, and others has and continues to improve all the time.

I was so freakin happy the first night he was HOME……. that I couldn’t sleep…so while he sounds like he’s sawing trees in half,  I was laying in bed wide awake, all night, with the excitement and happiness like a  kid on Christmas morning.

One of Sam’s dreams came true today,
when he and his Dad, mowed/weed-eated and raked our yard. He let Sam mow BY HIMSELF< quite a bit….. You should have seen the ear to ear grin on the kid’s face…….then he talked about it, all evening. . . . mike read to the boys in the chair and on the floor for thirty minutes….. after we had dinner.

it was a perfect day……even got to hang out with a good friend, I miss a lot today....
I can only hope there are many more AWESOME DAYS to come. . . I feel this weird sense of “calm” now. like everything is GONNA WORK OUT>..... like he really IS gonna make it and my worst nightmares are NOT coming true all over again….. it feels like my FAMILY IS being repaired now. . . like part of us is glued back together, stronger than ever before……
I can’t help but feel real guarded sometimes, too…
there are days that roll on by, where I feel anger and resentment again. Like it festers and boils over. I have practiced just telling Mike when I feel this way. I start out by saying, I’m not angry or upset with anything you have done recently or how we are doing currently……. I just need you to listen and really HEAR what I’m saying right now.
And he does it, without any hesitation, or eye rolls, deep breaths of frustration…. he WANTS TO listen and help me process things…. he wants to try and see things from my shoes, and discuss issues I’m seeing or remembering, or whatever might be feeling like the root of the problem for that day.
no, he’s not perfect. he’s far from that. but he’s honest, he believes in us and I still love him, I still believe IN US, and our family. I believe in him,
and the man he’s trying to be.
he still can make me smile, no matter what kind of mood I’m in.

It’s nice to finally have, SEE>.... EXPERIENCE, some FORWARD progress….. yep, it ONLY took two freakin years.

Inquiries,,,,,, investigations,,,,, and the kid cops.
well it happened…….
it was some idle tuesday afternoon…. and I got a blocked call, from the state offices….
“amber? “
yes, this is her.
“hello, I’m ………. from the Astoria department of child welfare”
“yes, I’m calling because we have tried to stop by your house twice and you have not been there”
Oh, well that’s because we’re at my grandma’s house monday night thru thurday mornings.
“oh, okay well I need to come out and see your place, and have a discussion with you and your son about a complaint filled with our office recently regarding neglect and/or abuse of a child. “

after hearing THAT….
well, I felt like I was gonna pass the fuck out.
Some how, , , I said, ohhhhhhh k. So what do I need to do.
she says, can I come and see you this week, and we set up a time just two days from the day it was.

I was shaking…. when I tried dialing my Mom’s number, after hanging up with cps….
finally got  thru to her, and was freaking out….. she some how got me to think somewhat clearly again, offered to come be there, with me when she came. I strongly agreed that would be terrific….. then she said, I better get off the phone and start cleaning….
I cleaned for the next 48 hours, damn near…… not that my house is THAT FILTHY>>. it’s not…. it’s messy… yes…… cluttered…..check!...... a little, ADHD looking…  OH YEAH.
Sam helped…. he asked me all kinds of questions, that I had no clue what the answer was…. I only knew of all the horror stories my friends shared with me or that I have read online…. I only knew that every single one of them lies and tries to get any and all incriminating information they possibly can so they can then steal your children legally.
I also knew that they are allowed by law to lie, in the situation of investigation abuse or neglect, to find out information….. or so the state says.

SO, I took out all that anxiety, with house work, and lots of it.
when she arrived,
she came up to me, introduced herself, told me exactly what the complaint was, and where it came from and exactly what the party’s concerns were. Then she said, there was a police officer on his way there now, because by law I have to cooperate with the inquiry, so they usually show up with “law enforcement in the event we come across any aggression”
well thankfully she asked the cop to leave after a short time.
but he was there long enough to say he knew who my husband was, he knew what his status was and that he liked to fight with the cops, and so he better not have the same problems with me….
(yeah, cuz you know, I haven’t paid for those mistakes, enough yet)
ANYWAYS<<<<< he left, and things got better.
we did the interview process,,, then she interviewed Sam by himself, and lastly she walked around the house with me…..
I’m going to stop there for right now, and let you all know who are FREAKING OUT LIKE I WAS >>....
and say after  a week, or maybe ten days,
she called to let me know the final determination in the inquiry,
was “UNFOUNDED REPORT< no interventions given, no further contact necessary”
and know what THAT MEANS???

that means, I’M A FIT PARENT!!!!
wooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooo

I’m still waiting for my official letter to come in the mail…. I’m somewhat uncomfortable giving out too many details, until I have it in my hand.
but I’m really proud of myself, and how I handled basically one of my worst fears,,,,, and not only made it thru it, but DID GREAT>>>>>...
passed with flying colors…
Mike did great during his interview, and inquisition, as well…. his PO gave him a stellar review to the caseworker… oh and the PO called the caseworker, that first day, by the end of the day to VERIFY VISITATION plan WITH her, because  until they did that, visitation  was suspended…. ALL OF IT> >.......
that’s what the cop “announced” to me, as he walked closer….. that he KNOWS All about my situation, and what his rules are.

anyway,,,,,, I’m really happy it’s in the rear view.
it feels really good that it’s on RECORD<
that I’m a good parent, and I got MY HOUSE….. IN ORDER…..

that’s all I got for tonight my peeps…
hope you learned something…… realized something about your own life…...enjoyed something, anything……

you know, I love ya.