Monday, March 2, 2015

I'm a beautiful disaster ... and I'm OK with it. . .. . for now.......

Happiness is........
an open road, with NO kids in the car,
accelerating on the gas pedal, as I round the next sweeping curve, holding the wheel confidently just like I was driving in my sleep..... 
as my stereo speakers thump my rib cage to the new kid rock CD as I drive down the road, all the "voices" in the back of my head go silent.... 

I can FEEL the music, it feels like it's saving my soul...... the wind blowing my hair around , is cleansing my heart of this intense pain making it ache, , , , , the words  of the song seem to flow into my eardrums, and through the center of my body, telling me it's GONNA BE ALRIGHT.....

eventually..............................
you're GONNA BE ALRIGHT, , , just drive,,,,, and listen, , , and breathe......


this is no joke...... my days right now, are NO fucking joke....... I have never seen my grandmother as a frail or weak person. And I don't mean weak, as in her mind..... 


NOT ONE TIME,,,,,


not one time before NOW, that is.....

and it's strange,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, powerful.... ,,,,,,,,,,,,,emotional,
sometimes it's just
gut-wrenching,
I carry on,,,, strong and steady, never showing the pain in front of her, because I know it would only make HER FEEL WORSE....... I'm not going to do that....... I'm gonna be strong for HER, because that's exactly what SHE NEEDS, right now.... and let's face it, she spent a WHOLE LOT of years, making sure I HAD what I NEEDED.... so it's the very least I can do.....
I'm absolutely happy to do it, though.... which is the confusing part... I don't know how something so damn painful, can make me happy, too?
but remember, I'm like brand new still,,,,,, relatively...... to these emotions and feelings....and ESPECIALLY the uncomfortable ones..... uhhhhhh...... shit's about to get real...... could be REAL damn fast, too.....
And not to sound sick or morbid,
but I hope IT IS FAST......... in a way?
I don't want to see her suffer....... and hobble around in pain, unable to do anything she enjoys except you know, sit and visit with me....... read with Sam........ Rock the baby to sleep........
she's got a very, lengthy list of "no can do"
I'll spare the gory details for now.
the basics are................she uses a walker daily, now.... I mean DURING the day..... whereas even six months ago, she only used sometimes at night..... then it was EVERY night........ then it was mornings and evenings, when she was stiff or just in general discomfort/pain..........

When she's not feeling well, she can HARDLY get on her feet, using the walker.... I want to pick her up and stand her up, but she won't let me....

it hurts to see her in SOOOOO much discomfort...
feels like my heart is ripping thru my ribcage and tearing itself apart from the inside out.
that's when I hold the baby....
or play with him.... or let Sam and the baby share the recliner with me....
and as I said in a recent FB Post, that I must share here, too......



When I get sad, or depressed about grama,
I play with Sullivan.....
I make him laugh, until he can no longer breath !!!! that sweet little baby giggle that is like honestly, the BEST SOUND, the most intoxicating sound you'll hear as a parent...... and two things happen...
the first one is, I don't feel nearly as sad, because ,,,, well HOW can you, hearing those takesyourbreathaway laughs, from a baby?
and the second....
as his eyes sparkle and dance, when he laughs,
I see my Grandmother's eyes, right before my very own....
and my heart feels full of her love, like when I was a little kid...
I just had to share with you,,, I KNOW EXACTLY why I had a......
an unexpected pregnancy.....
He's helping me make sure she out-lives me, in just one awesome little way..... because I can forever be reminded of some very amazing memories, by just making MY LITTLE BOY LAUGH......
and ....
well how perfect is that?
coping skills......
they are a HELLUVALOT more useful than what I used to do,
in a past life..... when I felt uncomfortable feelings.....
I love you.... YES YOU..... I love you..... even if I don't say it nearly often enough... please don't ever doubt MY LOVE for YOU.
thanks


can you tell I'm getting better at labeling feelings and/or emotions??? HA HA HA YEP!! I'm starting to catch on.....and I'm so glad.
That sums up how I feel for now.
Sam is doing rather well on the other hand..... I told him a few times, to hug grama, allllllll the time, tell her you love her, SO MUCH, as often as you can..... and HE DOES IT..... all the time..... and you can just see her heart smile , for a moment...... So I tell Sam... those are the memories, you take a photo of, inside your head, and file it away to use later, when you want to think about something happy and awesome about your gram-gram.....
He shares a lot of lil stories with me, about Grama, and Aunt Millie, and all kinds of crazy stuff he comes up with....  some days, I don't know what the HECK to do with him!!!  and then the next day, I'll feel like, who knows where I'd be WITHOUT him...... 

Mike's Mom is visiting this week, and then we are going to see his family for a few days,,, about 6 hours away.... first time in a  LONG TIME.... first time since his whole probation/arrest fiasco, for sure..... which is strange, to me, for HIM to get APPROVED for things like this, extended weekend out of state.... I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy to go anydamnwhere, after 26 months of not, going anyplace,,,, it's just weird..... how this whole thing has unfolded... there has definitely NOT  been one singe ounce of common sense shown in the last 26 months... NOT ONE.... but don't get me started, on that disaster.

It's nice for her to hang out with the kids... she hadn't seen Sam since he turned a year old, and obviously hadn't met the baby yet. Sam is happy to see her, although I'm sure he doesn't remember her visiting before, he says he does,,,, LOL.... and what can you say to that, right???


For whatever reason my dr, decided to cut my suboxone dose right in half about a week ago.... yeah, not too sure where the F that came from, feels like he came out of left field with it,,,, and didn't give me the option, just said that's what was happening...... well I can honestly say, I'm failing miserably, at following instructions... I don't know if it's because I'm more sad than my USUAL self, or a little more anxious about the impending complications that loom over me...... I don't know..... but I think it's a little crazy to drop half, 50% of what I've been taking since I entered the third trimester of pregnancy...... that's the ONLY time I was ever as low as I am .... SUPPOSED TO BE right now..... and he did offer some kind of withdrawl meds.... but I turned him down because all they do is make me sleep like I died, and I wouldn't hear the alarm or the BABY, and do you see how that might be a problem?? LOL,,,,,,,,,,,  I have for the life of me been trying to figure out what I DID wrong, for him to make this decision..... but I got nothing...... it's been almost four years, ,,,,,,, april will be four years, and that's about the only reason I can think of.... or come up with....... in four years, I've not had a bad UA, or a relapse, or any MAJOR issues..... ? ....... not any that come to mind anways.
Sooooooo
I'm not sure what my next move is, but something's gotta give.... I know I'm not ready to be off of suboxone... I know watching grama get worse and worse is definitely NOT the most opportune moment, either..... I'll figure it out, because I'm gonna have to.....
going to such a low amount just made my brain fire way faster than it should, come up with negative thoughts a whole bunch more than it should, and I just don't feel like I'm on the top of my game right now..... I'm already emotionally upset, in general...... and then running out, well let's just say that doesn't help a DAMN thing....... so here's to FIGURING IT OUT....... *****sigh*****

So that's about all I have for now....

hug the ones you love... hug them often and tell them you love them ALWAYS....

FLOWERS that Sam and I planted/started last weekend... I really hope they grow!!
thanks for reading..... thanks for supporting me.....
I LOVE YOU