Saturday, February 14, 2015

Hello, 2015......this one ,,, is gonna change things. (this year) . . . . .

let's see,,, where shall we start today?

Christmas,,,,
went great, of course...
it's really difficult to try and teach your children,,,, that all these "things" you CAN buy, that are so....... well let's face it, freaking awesome,,,,, it's really difficult to teach them, that's not what REALLY MATTERS.....
Okay, maybe not everyone feels that way.... but they should.... or they will, eventually.
and with all the commercials, and bullshit, well it's just hard, to TEACH, that' not really what LIFE is all about..... is it?
It certainly isn't for OUR family..... for my family, or when I was growing up. I sure hope I can do as good of a job. . .
Sullivan didn't really care too much about Christmas,,, but he's always happy... well the majority of the time, anyway.

New Years Day!!!
another family get-together.... which was great.
We took our trip to Wa, as planned, as APPROVED...... it was awesome... Sam had SO MUCH FUN.... he rode horses, and drove a tractor, and well he could tell you the stories, allllll day if you let him... he LOVED IT..... and it was nice just to be able to take grama somewhere.... AS A FAMILY....
it was just a little weekend trip... but it meant the world, to our family....

HELLO JANUARY, 2015.....
Well I made a summary of the "short version" of what's mike's been thru, YES very short version, in my last post, about 6 weeks ago...
well, I am happy to add,,, he's now in what they call advanced treatment,,,, which is likely one of the last steps before he is DONE,, which is one of the stipulations to him being OFF probation.. which remember once he's OFF< he has no restrictions/rules, at all.

latest post before this, Regarding Mike's Probation stuff

Anyway,,,, I am really hoping we can start to work on some of OUR bigger issues.... the PO is requiring us to take this parenting/co=parenting class, every monday night for the next two months... the 2nd  class was this last Monday,  and I think it's going  really good... I am really happy to see him being positive, and trying to learn something, too......  let's just say he didn't have the best attitude about it, upon hearing it was required..... LOL
the important part is, he turned it all around.

One thing they talked about tonight, that I NEVER thought of, or thought of in this way...
they were looking at this illustration, of an alcoholic father, and codependent mother.
the teacher says,
every family member has a problem, in the diagram, they are all dealing with unhealthy relationships. Either one of the parents can "decide" to change at any time, though.

if the alcoholic parent decides to go to treatment and get better, then they in turn FORCE change on the other members of the family....
hmmmm.
that made me think, a lot.
because, I never saw it that way... I saw it as, I'm getting sober, doing what everyone thinks I should do, what everyone WANTS me to do, and I'm gonna get better........
I asked Mike, did you feel that way?
he says, yeah,,,,, in a way, I did..... because for SOOOO LONG, things were one way, and then , BOOM,
overnight, you were the total opposite.... like THIS is the way it is, now.... and he said, now I know that's exactly what I wanted you to do, yes, but I guess I just wasn't expecting it... I also felt like I lost my place in the family, and you were going to find someone else.

I guess you do learn something new, every day.

Mike's getting a different probation officer, too... this makes me very nervous, but I really hope and pray and hope some more, that it's a good thing..... fingers n toes crossed, let me tell ya !!!
He's finally in this "advanced" group and out of what they call Pre-treatment... I think they call it that, just so you look bad, if /when you go to court.... he was in PREtreatment, for TWO YEARS... every week..... $40/each and every week..... I can't think about these things TOO MUCH< because I get seriously pissed off.....
On  a positive note,,,, he's got permission to go to his grandma's 80th birthday party in yakima.... so that's a pretty big deal.... and we can ALL GO... for the weekend... YEP OUR KIDS, TOO..
wow.... somebody mark the calender...... 25 months, that's taken to "earn"



my fading hero.....
She looks so frail..... and fragile....and tired....she's always  cold...and she feels so thin, when I hug her. . .
it just breaks my heart to see her this way.... and I have got to come to terms with things getting a whole LOT worse, I KNOW I do.... I just....... I'm not ready...

I'M NOT READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh, I'm not even close.
I think, when the day comes.... the day when she leaves this earth, I don't think I will ever be quite the same..... and that's ok, right?
I mean, it must just kinda be the way things go?
I'm learning.... dammit, I'm trying.
The last day surgery she had, where they put  a sleeve in her stent, that's going thru the middle of the tumor in her liver,,,,,, well she stopped  breathing during surgery and they had to inti bate...... okay, that's the first time I know of, out of allllllll these "day surgeries" she's had, where that's happened....
and since that surgery....
she's just not getting around as well... I was hopeful she'd BOUNCE back, a LITTLE more than she has, but it's not looking like that will happen..
I really wish she'd ask the doc for some kind of pain meds... but she won't...... she might be able to hobble around the house WITHOUT the walker, if she'd take something..... she cannot take any kind of Ibprofen, because of the liver issues.
in the last two weeks, she's had a bone scan and a CT scan due to her tumor markers being UP and her liver numbers are all outta whack, and the oncologist is concerned.
I'm just scared, and sad.
she's always been my soft place to land. always.....
I just hope, that if/when I live to be HER age,,, i hope I have someone who LOVES ME,
as much AS I LOVE HER,
I know this is the cycle of life.... I just hope she's not in a lot of pain, and I hope, pray, and cross my fingers n toes, that she doesn't suffer.... I just can't stand on the sidelines and watch her suffer... I cannot. it would KILL me, too.
she's supposed to get all her results back, on Monday.
she can't take a step without hanging on to something or someone...... but she still is kinda stubborn/hard-headed about asking ANYONE for help.... I mean, she'll ask me faster than anyone else, but that's about it.... she still wants to be the STRONG ONE....
I hate that she cannot do any of the things she loves to do.... like paint water colors, or stitch, or whatever..... she can't hardly write a check, anymore.
I'm not ready.....
I don't think I'll ever  be...... my heart cracks a little more every day she declines. . .
But Samuel reminded me the other day,
"when someone we love dies, they can live forever in our hearts and our memories, right mom?"
****sniffle sniffle*****
you're absolutely  right, son.


that's about all I have in me, for today.
peace be with you all....


 FIRST EVER SWING RIDE!!!!!
 So nice for big bro to push !!!
Sam @city park, after a GREAT REPORT CARD.....
sleeping boys.......







Wednesday, I got Sam from school EARLY and we went to the ARCADE..... due to a very awesome report card !!!!!

Nana helping Sullivan eat like a BIG BOY !!!!!
my newest favorite of grama....... with the hat Sam bought her for Christmas.... look at that smile..... <3



Sunrise @gramas house.... right out the front window.....


MUCH LOVE TO ALL ........I will certainly write sooner, with all grama's upcoming test results, and I still have to talk about how awesome SAM MAN is doing in school lately........ and I've got some irons in the fire, so to say, as well.
Until then,,,,
BE GOOD...... :-)