Sunday, September 27, 2015

Skeletons and Acceptance

There's a lot of things I've learned recently. Mostly about myself. You know, it's amazing to me, that still four years later, I still feel like im trying to find my footing. It's easier, don't get me wrong but I don't know that I ever realized how long the struggle lasts. A LIFE TIME......

We all have things we're not proud of, moments in our lives when maybe we lost control, lost what was most important to us, but by the time we realize that, it's too late. It can really kick you in the gut, when your past kind of collides with the present, and you're unprepared. I'm still making amends with people, for my past actions. All I can do is try, and try again. 
Just recently, I was able to make amends with a person very close to my heart. She wasn't ready for a long time, I mean three years! But that's OKAY. I don't fault her for that, she only wanted to make sure I was really doing it this time. As anyone who has loved an addict can tell you, it sucks to think and believe we're finally better, then we relapse AGAIN........
She forgave me and we shared a bear hug, she held the baby, we laughed and cried about the past and went our separate ways. But I am here to tell you, there was a weight lifted off of me like none other that I have ever experienced. It was a wonderful day. 

Children put their parents on a pedastal , and all too often the parent has no idea. Did you know that by apologizing to your own children, it makes them more likely to come to YOU when they seek forgiveness? It's true. I couldn't imagine fessing up to my mom, without having heard her own apology, for any other reason. 
Sam and I went to see his new doctor. It was about a two hour appt. she was awesome. She even assured me that she doesn't turn anyone in to the authorities, without telling you that first. I said well already been there, done that, and it doesn't even scare me anymore! Lol. We laughed, we cried, then Sam joined us. She has a ton of Lego in her office , so they got along JUST fine! I guess that's why it took six months to get into see her! She's THAT great. I'm so relieved to have an ALLIANCE in this department. We upped the Strattera dose about 20% and left everything else the same. I told her in front of Sam, he's in charge of the meds, he's the one putting it in his body, etc. when he expressed his hate for adderall and the stomach aches, she read a study in her book about stimulants and growth, so Sam was reassured, he didn't have to try them again. 
We had some good conversation on the way home, too. He's doing TERRIFIC in school! He's been getting homework done "when I finish my work in class, I just do it " so he already has it done by the time he's home, we don't have to argue about it or anything,,!!!!!!  Amazing I know! 

Sullivan is running around all over these days !!!!!!
He certainly stays busy! He already says almost ten different words, he cracks himself up ALL the time too! He's about 35 pounds and wears a 24mo/2t. 
He's bigger, both taller and heavier than Sam was at 13 months. 
Sam's baby book says at 13 months he was 26 pounds, and wearing 12/18mo. 
Wow. Wonder how much taller he'll be at almost 7 , like Sam, he's almost at my shoulder. 

They're both very happy boys. We're all happy, really........ I mean considering everything, we could be antisocial and hostile, but instead we're happy to be together! 

Mikes almost completely done with his treatment classes, he's gone to pretty much every single week, the last two and a half years. He's got one chapter of book work left, then he'll only have to attend once per month, and as of February, he'll be completely off supervision. He's trying so hard, to make sure he does everything right. Please don't forget all the ridiculous shit we have (he has) weathered to get to the point we're at. In a nutshell, an overnight stay took 18 months of good/perfect behavior. The first six months he couldn't call Sam on the phone, just when Sully was born he could only be at the hospital for 4 hours, and had to be escorted in and out by security. 
The PO that he's had since February,,,,is leaving......ya I know....
Apparently he got a better job. I can't blame him, I mean he seems to really care and wants to actually help people so this is probably not the best place for him..... And of COURSE who is back? Ya, but at least this time things are a lot different, hopefully she doesn't try to change anything! Our visitation schedule, living arrangement, has been signed by a judge so We're hoping that means it will take a judges signature to CHANGE it, too. 
He earned a bonus at work, we talked about it and decided to get it in November, to use for Christmas gifts. This is going to be the first year in a very long time that we'll be able to buy more than one thing for the boys for Christmas. !!!!!!!! And I want Sam and Sully to pick a kid off the tree to buy for!!!! You have to remember to give back you know? It's muy importante' 
Sam has two football games near the Astoria hospital, and chris signed off that he MAY ATTEND both games at their last appt. yay!!!! Sam is so so happy! And my mom and dad are going to! So now he's even MORE excited! 
Mike would ask me to record the baseball games, and I did do it a few times. But then I thought about it, and the next time he asked, I said no. Of course he asked why,,,,, and I said,
I'm not mad or angry anymore, I'm way over that part. Buy me recording the game, it doesn't make it OKAY that you're NOT there....doesn't mean he or I will ever forget why you can't go. And I'm not trying to throw it in your face or punish you more, I'm telling you how I FEEL even though I'm not proud of it, it feels unfair. I don't even want to go half of the time, but I lost my choice. 
He of course felt like shit, but instead of getting mad or resentful toward me, he apologized, and thanked me for telling him how I really felt about it. I'm telling you, he's changed a lot. 

So here comes winter! After the first of the year my brother and I will be getting the business going, hopefully. LOL. No, we will because I actually got him talked into helping, and of course being a business partner basically. Hes definitely what I was lacking in the office department! Now I feel so much more confident about it! 

So stay tuned folks. I promise it won't be so long before I write again! 
I love all you guys SO MUCH!!
Thanks for listening.


Friday, August 7, 2015

The next chapter of my journey

Yes it's been a LONG while since I was here. Please accept my sincere apologies if you were concerned or anything. There's nothing to be concerned about. 

Things are going fairly well actually.....I'd say that I'm pretty happy in a very general way, for the first time in a really long time....... Mike and I are getting along better than , well,,,, EVER . So that's pretty awesome to have, and feel. The sense of security I find in our relationship and marriage is completely brand new to me. I guess it was something I didn't know or feel, or know how to find. There's a lot of credit that needs to go to mike, too. Because you can rest assured he had to earn every ounce of respect, empathy, love, friendship, and everything else. I didn't "give " him anything. Having experienced exactly what I have,,,, I KNOW you have to work for things for them to be worth fighting for. If you don't have to work for it, then it's too easy to throw it away again. Mikes also working on transparency in our daily lives. Meaning, communication all the time, even when it's things he would have never talked to me about three years ago. He does now, without hesitation. I am so proud of him, in so many ways, and I'm so relieved he's sincerely stepped up to take care of his responsibilities; including his family and children,,, but also probation and classes, ETC. I can honestly say these days that if I had to do things all over again, to get where we are RIGHT horrible as it was getting thru some months,,,, I'd do it ALL AGAIN, as long as I knew this, where we are now would be waiting at the end. It's been a HELLUVA ride. 

Sully is about to turn a whole year old already ! I can hardly believe that! He's such a little love bug these days. He's learned how to "give loves" and it's just about the cutest thing ever!
Sullivan David continues to be the happiest little person I have ever seen or even heard of. That's just FINE with me. He's saying a few words now, he's ALMOST walking. He cruises around the room by hanging on to anything and everything, he will also walk with you, holding your hand, but he's still pretty wobbly! He's gotta weigh almost forty pounds too. LOL. I'm pretty well tired of standing in place holding him, because he just squirms around trying to get you to put him down, not to mention he's freakishly heavy! And people think he's a toddler, which is awkward. 
Anyway we're having his first birthday party where we had Sams first birthday, years ago now, lol. It should be fun. 
Sam is chomping at the bit, ready to get back to school. I think it's the strict schedule, that helps him mentally keep control of his emotions. Recently he's been quite challenging! He laughs at me when I'm irritated or something, of course which pisses me off way worse. He refuses to clean up his toys, both/neither inside or outside!!! So he must have way too many toys, or stuff to play with, if he doesn't care about losing it for leaving it out. His answer to my questions about it, "well I guess I should ask daddy for a new one " 
Yeah. We'll see about THAT plan. 
In the last two months he's screamed "I hate you " at least three times. I know he always feels bad afterwards, but it still cuts pretty deep. I ALWAYS return it with, sorry you feel that way but I still love you EVEN when I'm mad or upset. 
Probably half the time he doesn't hear me, because he's still yelling. 
I'm hopeful that school starting will help, and/or flag football is getting ready to start, he'll have practice four nights a week, for two hours... Maybe they RUN them! Lol..... We can ONLY DREAM. . . 
He's still attending therapy, and I do think he gets at least SOME things from therapy. They do behavior therapy, different exercises to help him cope with situations where he gets super anxious.... We all need that, huh. 

About grama. . . . . .
Just like anyone else, I have good days and BAD days too, on occasion 
There's days I'm just sad and a little depressed, maybe a bit lonely too. I miss her SO dang much! 
If I try REALLY hard to, I can hear her voice singing,,, or even a very distant laughter. Every time I hear or receive AWESOME NEWS, the first reaction I have is to pull my phone out and dial grams. Cuz she was never too busy to share a high five, even if thru the telephone line.......
And I often wonder about Sam's negative attitude, if maybe he's having a tough time, ? Who knows... I do know that every single one of us has had some hard times no matter what's going on... I get that, therefore I try to be very empathetic, especially with Sam. The moment you minimize this kids feelings,,, is the moment the demonic entity shows itself! LOL but seriously.......he does......
Anyway moving forward, there's a big gaping hole in my heart, maybe it even beats different now. I'm not overly, like alarmingly depressed, but I do, on rare occasions get really sad. And that's OK. Or so they tell me. 😔😔😔
We recently went to the county fair as a family...... First time since this whole thing started with Mike. It was a really nice outing with the kids. Nice to be all together, and not even worried! 👍☀️❤️
Mike and I went on a date for our anniversary at the end of July as well. Yes, that was a FIRST as well. It was wonderful. I love him so much. And that feels so good, it's not forced, I'm not holding back resentment, I'm just happy to be in each other's presence. 😍
I'm trying to get a picture with the boys, and Sully solo, for a one year old photo shoot, or whatever you want to call it. 
I'm gonna post a few that are NOT perfect yet. Working on it, still 😒

Well that's what I have for now. 
Short and sweet today. 
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for your support! 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Grandma's last Sunset (video)

be sure to turn the volume down!! the wind is really loud, I cannot remember who even took the video with my phone. but I am thankful they did :-)

Thursday, May 14, 2015

I don't expect better treatment, I do expect HUMANE treatment......

A person might think, I use the F bomb all the time.
in certain situations, sure,,,, probably way too much.
but, I don't in the presence of some people, when I know it bothers them... I have to really lose my patience, to say it in front of my boys.... but once in awhile, life isn't fair.... it's not ONE bit fair, or anything similar.... and its FRUSTRATING AS HELL..
and let's face it, life's freakin messy sometimes. 
I don't care WHO you are, you know, deep down, you've made your own messes, stepped in other people's and maybe even judged other people's messes. that's okay. none of us, is perfect. 
and what beautiful souls we encounter in our lives, because of this fact....  there are some people, who truly are one of a kind. I know I'm one because I've never met anyone even close to exactly like me. I've learned to love myself, anyway. . . . . we all bleed the same. .. we all came from the same place, and we all end up some place, too. none of us have any control over these events. well, very seldom might be better. 
anyway, here ya go.  (less than five F bombs ahead)

my fading hero.....
remains somewhat anchored to her recliner and the bed....
she sleeps most of the day..... can't really get herself to her feet (even with the walker) by herself anymore.... 
hasn't really been eating... she still drinks lots of fluids, but she drinks ONE ensure over the course of two days probably.... maybe two BITES of food, per day,,, IF ANYTHING... 
she's just growing weaker and weaker......sicker and sicker.... more and more exhausted...... 
I feel like I'm already grieving MY grama.... because this person, tied to the recliner, isn't her.... Yes, she looks like her.... somewhat.... 
but she doesn't sound like her, doesn't laugh like her, doesn't smell like her, or smile like her. 
And I'd still walk thru fire in a moment's notice, for her any day.... ANY DAY.... I wouldn't hesitate if I could take all her pain and give it to myself. 
One night as I was helping her to bed, I said, is there anything more I can do for you tonight? anything I can do to help you in any way?
she says, no... thanks  so much for taking such good care of me honey. 
I said,
you'd do if for me, hell you HAVE done it for me, I'd do ANYTHING for you, just name it. 
she said in a faint voice,
"I'm just miserable, and I don't think there's anything anyone can do"
I felt my eyes swell, like I was gonna lose it right there next to her bed.... 
I hugged her neck, and kissed her forehead, and told her not to fight for me, I promise you I'll prevail.... I promise you, I will make you proud every day. 
she closed her eyes, and I said, I love you SO MUCH, do you know that. 
yes, Am ,,,I love you too, just as much. 
I turned around and walked out of the room...
and it dawned on me...

I think that's the FIRST, and ONLY TIME I have EVER heard my grandma complain,,,, really complain about anything......ever.......
like in my ENTIRE LIFE ON EARTH..... 

she's stubborn as shit, that's for sure. and she's obviously not going down without a fight.... she's made it far longer than anyone speculated...... props to you grams..... PROPS to YOU.... 

the rest of the story on my/our CPS Investigation/inquiry
So, when the CPS worker pulled in, 
and told me a WPD officer was on the way, my stomach dropped into my feet. 
I couldn't help but ask,
"are you planning on removing my kids or something?"
she says, 
Not at the moment, no. I'll give you more details after we get started but CPS doesn't actually want to remove  children from their home unless they are in what we call "emanate danger"
There is no concern of that at this time, but in all honesty,  I do have a lot of questions. 
She also added,
I try to be very forth coming with any relevant concerns, and let parents know if there IS a threat to their children or how they could possibly remove the threat asap. 
In turn,
I explained to her, I was willing to cooperate to the fullest extent necessary, but that I do have an attorney and I'm fully aware of my rights, as well. 
she seemed to absolutely respect that. 

meanwhile.... guess who rolls up to my house.........
this dude, who I went to high school with, who I know he KNOWS who I am, I mean c'mon....... (another reason.... he lives right next door to where Sam went to Daycare for the first 2-3 yrs of his life)

he announced that he was FULLY and WELL aware of my husband's status, and what "trouble" hes had in the past, and 
IS HE HERE? as he took two steps, towards me ALMOST in an aggressive-I'm the BOSS-manner.....(he put his hands on his hips, one on his weapon)

no..... hes at WORK. ya know, so he can support his family.

cop---yeah, Cuz I know he's not supposed to be here... but I have heard he comes around once in awhile.

that really pissed me off.... But I kept calm... I kept my composure, and fired on back, 
Oh really? well I don't know where exactly you are getting that from but it's complete bullshit. he's ALMOST approved to come home right now, like half time at least,,,, tell me why would we fuck THAT UP? when it's taken well over TWO YEARS TO HAPPEN????

next,  he asked who his Probation Officer was, and I enlightened him, he said, Yeah I KNOW *****, he's a good friend of mine.

I'm like, o, okay dude.

he takes two steps towards me again, in the same exact, I'M IN CHARGE HERE, manner......

he says, well all visitation, EVERYTHING ENDS RIGHT NOW... until you hear otherwise from me, or CPS.

(while this is going on outside, my Mom is inside with the boys)

my core body temperature immediately rises..... I feel the muscles in my back and shoulder FILL with strength, as I hear Sam cry from the window, "I Can't see my Daddy?"

I ask Sam to get back inside, I will handle this and you most certainly will be able to see your father.

I said, in a very assertive, NON aggressive way,
do you have ANY CLUE how many entities have to give permission for these visits? DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET VISITS???
well almost a fucking year..... 
and I'm looking at him like, DO YOU? 
he's either not listening, and too busy thinking up what to say next or he's ignoring me ..... either way I really don't think he heard one syllable. 

How many kids do you have, he asked he's staring at the ground now, like moving a clump of grass with his shoe...


he says, and are they BOTH Michael's biological children?

well DUH DUDE..... (No I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!)
Yup.... is what came out...... no baby daddy drama here, I thought to myself. (and probably smiled)

he says, well you have CPS Involved now, and so  all visitation is  suspended. I mean HE CAN NOT SEE THE KIDS. 

I started to explain, exactly what we have been thru, as a family, he CUT ME OFF MID SENTENCE,
to announce ONCE AGAIN, how much he knew of my husband and his status.

ya, you said that, oh holy one. (no I didn't say that, but I sure wanted to)
I said, this is MY FIRST EXPERIENCE with CPS so excuse me for not knowing protocol.

he says, well ya do now. (in just about the rudest way possible, even added a smirk)

I quickly added, that doesn't mean FOREVER ya know... 

It was that VERY moment, the CPS worker,
asked the officer to leave, and I QUOTE,

"thanks for your time officer, but I think I have this handled, Amber is being more than cooperative with me and I think you are only adding aggression and anxiety to the situation."
I didn't hear what he said back to her, but I know he wasn't happy.
he left though, guess that's the important part.

She walked up to me, and explained as soon as she could get ahold of Mike's PO and just verify our visitation agreement, then everything would go back to normal, and that as long as that could get done before 5pm, nothing would mess up our weekend schedule.
then she asked if I needed a moment to breath..... guess it was that obvious how absolutely infuriated I really was.

I absolutely needed a minute or two to calm down, and stop shaking, and let my muscles DE-flate back to normal.....

I was thinking, just who the fuck is THIS GUY to act that way towards ME?? or MY kids? just what the hell gives HIM to right to act so much better than me? doesn't he bleed the same as me? his life isn't more important nor more valuable than mine, and obviously he's got some issues. MOST COPS< Will let you talk as LONG AS YOU WANT TO> because (they are trained maybe?) to let you talk, as you speak words you vomit information..... apparently this LEO already knew all he needed to know about unimportant little ol me.

so, to explain the "complaint" I have to back up for a minute....
I have to pause my story right here..... 

the previous month or 6 weeks maybe leading up to my phone call, Sam had really been complaining about severe stomach aches, from his meds. (stimulant ADHD meds)
he'd lost almost 7 pounds again,(he's over 4' tall and weighs average of 55 pounds)  and he would cry when it was time to take them. I made an appt, but the dr. pretty much told me, this was really the best case scenario option, and she was one of two dr's in the area who would prescribe it to a child. (pretty much you're stuck with it)
I Felt helpless and like a failure.... so I quit making him take it. I refused to pick up the following two refills from the pharmacy. I mailed back a hardcopy for a new Rx, and put a note in it, that I wasn't going to fill any more stimulants, until he could gain a little weight back at the very least. 

One Tuesday afternoon, the dr. office called me, and I had missed the call.... I was ordered to come in for a med count, of ALL his meds. 
I ignored them....
they called again the next day.....
I ignored them......

Friday rolled around, and I had this voicemail on my phone.....
"amber this is (insert name) from dr. ..... office, and you have failed to show up for a pill count. the dr says you need to get down here by the end of the business day today or you will have very severe consequences you won't like"

I went down there, with an empty pill bottle, and was accused of diverting meds.
I said, call the pharmacy, I never picked up the new Rx. and didn't you guys receive a hardcopy script in the mail, with a note?

she told me, she knew I was lying and she knew my "history" which only further proved her point. 

how could I 'win' at that point? 
I started to gather up my things and go. It was right then the dr. came back in and said she wouldn't be prescribing Adderall to Sam anymore. 

I was like WOW that's EXACTLY what I have been asking for.
She said she would write him for some Strattera a non-stimulant medication, and that was that.

I was happy.... this is what I was trying to get the entire time.

So I left.... with the new prescription..... 
it was the very next week that CPS contacted me.... I played the voicemail from the dr  office for her.... she said she would have done the same thing I did.... (wow, right?)

So back at my house, explaining this cluster craptacular situation, 

I said, I know ignoring them probably wasn't the BEST way to go about it..... obviously I learned that.. but I had no idea this was going to come about? I had no idea the dr. felt I was neglecting my child... and honestly, let's look at the situation with some common sense... if I wanted to divert adderall, why wouldn't I divert my own?
as I showed her my prescription bottle for the month, and some extra ones I had.... I mean, I am prescribed 20mg, twice a day, and I have more than I should have, meaning, I don't take them EVERY single day, and so why would I "waste" time, getting my son's, which were 10mg, once per day?
I mean, c'mon.....
Basically four hours later.... After interviewing my Mom, my son and myself.... 
she let me know they can  and might get full phone records, (to make sure I wasn't selling meds)
I signed over my medical record, more specifically ALL MY URINALYSIS from the last FOUR years. at least once a month having a full drug test.... I mean, HOW MANY people can prove that? can sign over a record of UA's from the past four years, every single one, LEGIT. 
(my addiction dr's approval anyway)

there's a lot more other boring details...I am really glad, my Mom was there.... at least I felt like I had back up..... at least if I lost my composure, maybe mom could be the cool headed one, and they wouldn't take the kids..... that's what kept me calm cool and collective. and I don't think I ever told her..... THANKS Mom.... I appreciate you and the new memories I have been able to make with you . . . I don't know why I'm not good at saying these things, but I'm trying to get better. Thank you , for helping me to see, that I'm not going to be all alone in the next coming weeks/months.... that maybe we can spend some more time together and maybe that will help both of us heal somewhat. I certainly hope for that. 

by the way..... PROPS to mike's new PO..... I emailed him after the caseworker left (probably 1pm)and BEGGED him to make sure and call her by 5pm, so that Sam wouldn't have a mini breakdown..... and HE DID !!!! caseworker called me around 430 and let me know she had it IN WRITING exactly what our agreement was and she was SORRY for the confusion with the police officer. 
(((yeah, buddy.... F you and the high horse you rode in on!!!)))

also on a side note.... a few days later I met his PO for the first time... and I thanked him for his quick response to my request, and said you'll never know how much I appreciate that. I explained to him what  the cop said and more importantly ,
HOW he said it TO ME... TOWARDS ME... 

he said, "I wouldn't say we are buddies....... (pause)....... but thanks for letting me know. and I'm sorry he spoke to you that way, that's not fair"

my inner brain couldn't even process what I was hearing... I wasn't used to such... HUMANE TREATMENT... 

We discussed some other stuff, and he let me know he was very happy with mike's continued forward progress and as long as he keeps doing what he's been doing, he's got ZERO concerns/issues with him. 
which, let me just say,
was like a breath of fresh air after being in a dungeon for 2 + years. the PO also told me, if we were to get thru this CPS inquiry, and have no problems, well that certainly tells HIM a lot. 

Things continue to go well, on that front. 

The following week we had a walk around at Grama's house, too.... the caseworker had her interview with Mike, and he did great. 

It was about 5 days after that, she gave me her findings of "unfounded report" and let me know it would go on this permanent record, in the State's computer.... and that in the future, it will take more than just here-say for them to come out and have an inquiry again.... that's a nice bonus eh? Like if someone says, I think Amber abuses her kids... well it's gonna take a little more proof than that. because they've already dug deep, and didn't find anything!!!

******huge fucking sigh of relief********

well that's about it for tonight....
I'm processing things as well as I can.... I cry when I need to, I go for a drive and blast the rock music, when I need to. 
I have a poem I'm writing for my grama... to honor her memory.... to share with others about her, and how much I have cherished our time together...... I write here, to you all when I need to. . . 
and I'm not perfect....
I have those FUCKITALL moments, where I feel like throwing it all away. But, those pass by as well,,, and I move forward.... I keep moving forward, no matter what... I have two little boys whom I cherish, that really count on me to hold my shit together..... So I'm doing it. And apparently I'm doing it pretty fucking well. 

thank you ALL (well you know who ya are)
for your support.... for listening to me ..... for asking me how Im doing. 
all my love,,,

Grams & Gramps  approx 1999

2014 Christmas Day

April 2015

MAY 13TH 2015

Saturday, April 18, 2015 never easy... it's not supposed to be......

so there’s this thing, that happens, as  we age…..
every day, we wake up, our feet hit the floor, and like the sands thru the hour glass,,,,,, we live day after day, week after week….
{we covered time…..}
next,,,, it seems we begin life,, with nothing, unable to do anything for ourselves…….. well at least in talking about “natural” death, that’s pretty much how that works, at the END of LIFE< too……. isn’t that a strange coincidence???  
as the years pass, the birthdays too,,,,
it seems they come faster and faster, every time….
and you begin to VALUE things, PEOPLE rather than thing, in your life…. I don’t know how anyone else’s experience went,
but in my teenage years, and my EARLY twenties, too…..
I was very selfish…
no, I didn’t recognize it at the time, because obviously, the WHOLE WORLD REVOLVED AROUND ME,
I didn’t have the time to process my own feelings, let alone understand any body elses!!
then, , , ,
more years passed by,,,,,, I started to really love others, my relationships that I realized I was lucky enough to have, LUCKY ENOUGH To get a fresh start,,,,
the kids came….. My hair started to grow in gray, (only in patches, so far)
finally got my teeth fixed, by getting dentures, and let me say, if you want to instantly ADD 20 years, and lower your IQ to your shoe size, have all your teeth pulled and then smile at yourself in the mirror……..
then there was a few months, a few different times where I didn’t know WTF Had happened to this UNRECOGNIZABLE “life” I had built around me and watched fall apart completely……
again……..just in  a very different way….
these EXPERIENCES came blasting thru my “life” as I Knew it…. as I had become comfortably annoyed with
Partnered along to these experiences, buried deep in emotional garbage, are LESSONS to be LEARNED,,,,
PAIN TO FEEL>..... pain to experience all the way thru each stage.
I don’t mean, stub your toe, or break a bone PAIN>..... I’m talking about emotional pain that hurts so much pain, you are physically ILL>...... it really DOES Feel like something is carving a hole in the middle of your chest and all you can do about it, us watch and sob.
You can’t talk to me about emotional pain,
unless you have cried so many tears, you didn’t have any left while continuing to sob…….
I believe with pain comes empathy and understanding,
lessons on what life truly IS about for you,
knowledge on how to keep the people you love in your life for the long term.

I don’t have it “all” figured out…… all I can do is continue to hit the floor every morning and tell myself I”ll do the best that I can, with everything I do today……..

and make sure to get my emotions OUT, somehow, every once in awhile…
so here ya go!!!!!  it’s a doozy.

GRANDMA’s medical care,
was taken over by HOSPICE CARE< a little over two weeks ago now. Nobody really “knows” how long, EXACTLY That she has…. but I know it’s not long.
I have seen her lose about FORTY POUNDS< in the last two months….her skin just hangs off her bones, like
like wet cheese cloth hanging off the handle of a pan…..
and I know, it’s cuz she can’t really eat anymore….. I make her breakfast each morning, when I’m there you know…. sometimes a poached egg, sometimes just cereal….. sometimes a “SMALL” pancake….. she has seemed pretty impressed with SOME Of my COOKING>.. which,,,,, let’s face it,,,, you could say she always seemed rather UNimpressed with before…. LOL
it’s a real struggle for her, to get to her feet these days. . . she CAN Do it, yes. but it’s not pretty. . . I don’t let her know it, but I keep my arm behind her back, JUST IN CASE>... but if she sees me do it, she will say over and over again, “I’M FINE”
until I take my arm away…..
but I am always worried…. I am always in a constant tug of war, about not taking MORE “independance” away from her, yet trying to keep her safe…..

The Hospice people are so nice…… it takes a real special “breed” to do this kind of “end of life” care…… and it definitely shows…. they all seem very heartfelt and genuine….. hospice seems to be all about the “natural route” of the end of life. They ask about a million questions on what “interventions” you may or may not choose should all these weird “situations” happen with your medical care. Grandma explained to me awhile ago, about her and Grandpa both choosing to have a DNR Order. and I completely understood her reasoning, after we talked. When hospice did their questionnaire,
she chose “no” for any and all interventions…. which I understand.
I mean, if you think about it, what kind of life, is she really ‘living” right now……
compared to let’s say two years ago.
five years ago….
Yeah………...It’s selfish at this point, to want her to be here, just to save  myself from the pain of moving on….. well that’s what I keep telling myself.
It’s gonna suck….. it already hurts…… but I think I’m about as ready as I possibly can be. And I feel like I Have prepared Sam just as much as any parent could “prepare” a child for losing a very close loved one. . . . they “snuggle” Under his scoobydoo blanket EVERY MORNING when we are over there…… before he gets ready for school….. Sam saves his apple from afternoon snack EVERY SINGLE DAY>>.. for his grandma. . . . . . One day I asked him why he does that,,,, and he said, “because an apple a day keeps you healthy”
ohhhhh, OK
what a sweetheart, eh?
well enough about that, for now. Any friends or family reading this, if you think you’d like to SEE HER< ,,,,,, You should come pretty quickly….. Grama worries about being a burden on her family, about someone HAVING TO “TAke care of me” all the time. . . . . If she has anything to do with the “DEcision” of no mare, My gut just tells me, she’s  not gonna lay around, bed-ridden very long at all…..

Sam is doing so well in school……
if we could just GET THERE ON TIME EVERY DAY<
he’d be a damn near perfect student….. LOL… okay maybe that was a stretch…. he really IS doing great though…. yes, he’s late, A LOT… but not as much as when I was under the impression “school” started ten minutes later than it actually does….. LOL…. yes, I’m “that parent” who is always late, for everything…..
WHY?  you may ask…..
well If I KNEW THAT, we wouldn’t be late……

Sullivan, is all over, everywhere, all the time…..
ARMY CRAWLS EVERYWHERE>>. and it’s really cute.
he’s starting to attempt the “pull up” onto the front of the couch and reclinders… and he usually falls straight back onto his big ol’ head, every time… cuz he lets go!!!!   usually because he starts hysterically giggling when he gets upright… he gets very impressed with himself and then loses his balance…. what a show off…
He hit 8 months old, about a week ago.For clothes right now he’s mostly wearing 18 mo and 2T…. yes, I know………... NUTZ….. he continues to be the happiest baby I have ever seen or heard of in my entire life. this kid, just laughs, at nothing ALL DAY LONG. You can just talk to him, and he giggles, smiles and squeals.
He started to say “momomomomomomom” a few weeks ago,and more recently started “Da da da da da da”
ha ha
it’s hysterical. I mean seriously…. hearing YOUR baby laugh until they’ve run out of  breath….. is there any better sound, in the world?
He’s really growing into his own little person.

Finally….. GREAT NEWS from this common topic…..
after just about 26 months ON probation….. (not including the time in county)

one hundred and thirteen WEEKS…..
113 friday “movie” nights.

113 saturday morning hugs.

791 dinners.
after 18,992 hours ,,
missing 791 “goodnight Daddy”(s)

he can now be HOME… really HOME with us, his family, on the weekends…..
that might not sound like a lot, to some people.
but, going thru what WE have gone thru, it’s HUGE…. only people, IN this situation, or thoroughly SCHOOLED in the subject usually due to someone close to them, being in it……
ONLY THEY KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS….. they know how hard mike’s been trying each and every single one of the days mentioned….. Imagine someone “toying” with your whole entire life, capable of taking any thing away from you, at any given moment, for hardly any reason at all…. I mean let’s say they are pissed at their significant other and decide to take it out on the “next one who comes in the door” and it happens to be someone you care about.
I won’t spend too much time on that topic, It will only put me in a bad mood. LETS THINK ABOUT THE GOOD STUFF….
he’s almost done with classes/treatment…
he’s got about 9 months left on supervised probation.
he/we have paid off his entire overpayment to unemployment ($18 GRAND)
in just over two years….
he’s passed every polygraph, including a full history one that apparently many people fail, fail more than once.
he continues to do well at work, keeps a good attendance record, and is always willing to help his boss whenever he needs it, or asks… in turn his boss really wants to help with anything court/probation/character reference wise that he possibly can.
communication with me, and others has and continues to improve all the time.

I was so freakin happy the first night he was HOME……. that I couldn’t sleep…so while he sounds like he’s sawing trees in half,  I was laying in bed wide awake, all night, with the excitement and happiness like a  kid on Christmas morning.

One of Sam’s dreams came true today,
when he and his Dad, mowed/weed-eated and raked our yard. He let Sam mow BY HIMSELF< quite a bit….. You should have seen the ear to ear grin on the kid’s face…….then he talked about it, all evening. . . . mike read to the boys in the chair and on the floor for thirty minutes….. after we had dinner.

it was a perfect day……even got to hang out with a good friend, I miss a lot today....
I can only hope there are many more AWESOME DAYS to come. . . I feel this weird sense of “calm” now. like everything is GONNA WORK OUT>..... like he really IS gonna make it and my worst nightmares are NOT coming true all over again….. it feels like my FAMILY IS being repaired now. . . like part of us is glued back together, stronger than ever before……
I can’t help but feel real guarded sometimes, too…
there are days that roll on by, where I feel anger and resentment again. Like it festers and boils over. I have practiced just telling Mike when I feel this way. I start out by saying, I’m not angry or upset with anything you have done recently or how we are doing currently……. I just need you to listen and really HEAR what I’m saying right now.
And he does it, without any hesitation, or eye rolls, deep breaths of frustration…. he WANTS TO listen and help me process things…. he wants to try and see things from my shoes, and discuss issues I’m seeing or remembering, or whatever might be feeling like the root of the problem for that day.
no, he’s not perfect. he’s far from that. but he’s honest, he believes in us and I still love him, I still believe IN US, and our family. I believe in him,
and the man he’s trying to be.
he still can make me smile, no matter what kind of mood I’m in.

It’s nice to finally have, SEE>.... EXPERIENCE, some FORWARD progress….. yep, it ONLY took two freakin years.

Inquiries,,,,,, investigations,,,,, and the kid cops.
well it happened…….
it was some idle tuesday afternoon…. and I got a blocked call, from the state offices….
“amber? “
yes, this is her.
“hello, I’m ………. from the Astoria department of child welfare”
“yes, I’m calling because we have tried to stop by your house twice and you have not been there”
Oh, well that’s because we’re at my grandma’s house monday night thru thurday mornings.
“oh, okay well I need to come out and see your place, and have a discussion with you and your son about a complaint filled with our office recently regarding neglect and/or abuse of a child. “

after hearing THAT….
well, I felt like I was gonna pass the fuck out.
Some how, , , I said, ohhhhhhh k. So what do I need to do.
she says, can I come and see you this week, and we set up a time just two days from the day it was.

I was shaking…. when I tried dialing my Mom’s number, after hanging up with cps….
finally got  thru to her, and was freaking out….. she some how got me to think somewhat clearly again, offered to come be there, with me when she came. I strongly agreed that would be terrific….. then she said, I better get off the phone and start cleaning….
I cleaned for the next 48 hours, damn near…… not that my house is THAT FILTHY>>. it’s not…. it’s messy… yes…… cluttered…..check!...... a little, ADHD looking…  OH YEAH.
Sam helped…. he asked me all kinds of questions, that I had no clue what the answer was…. I only knew of all the horror stories my friends shared with me or that I have read online…. I only knew that every single one of them lies and tries to get any and all incriminating information they possibly can so they can then steal your children legally.
I also knew that they are allowed by law to lie, in the situation of investigation abuse or neglect, to find out information….. or so the state says.

SO, I took out all that anxiety, with house work, and lots of it.
when she arrived,
she came up to me, introduced herself, told me exactly what the complaint was, and where it came from and exactly what the party’s concerns were. Then she said, there was a police officer on his way there now, because by law I have to cooperate with the inquiry, so they usually show up with “law enforcement in the event we come across any aggression”
well thankfully she asked the cop to leave after a short time.
but he was there long enough to say he knew who my husband was, he knew what his status was and that he liked to fight with the cops, and so he better not have the same problems with me….
(yeah, cuz you know, I haven’t paid for those mistakes, enough yet)
ANYWAYS<<<<< he left, and things got better.
we did the interview process,,, then she interviewed Sam by himself, and lastly she walked around the house with me…..
I’m going to stop there for right now, and let you all know who are FREAKING OUT LIKE I WAS >>....
and say after  a week, or maybe ten days,
she called to let me know the final determination in the inquiry,
was “UNFOUNDED REPORT< no interventions given, no further contact necessary”
and know what THAT MEANS???

that means, I’M A FIT PARENT!!!!
wooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooo

I’m still waiting for my official letter to come in the mail…. I’m somewhat uncomfortable giving out too many details, until I have it in my hand.
but I’m really proud of myself, and how I handled basically one of my worst fears,,,,, and not only made it thru it, but DID GREAT>>>>>...
passed with flying colors…
Mike did great during his interview, and inquisition, as well…. his PO gave him a stellar review to the caseworker… oh and the PO called the caseworker, that first day, by the end of the day to VERIFY VISITATION plan WITH her, because  until they did that, visitation  was suspended…. ALL OF IT> >.......
that’s what the cop “announced” to me, as he walked closer….. that he KNOWS All about my situation, and what his rules are.

anyway,,,,,, I’m really happy it’s in the rear view.
it feels really good that it’s on RECORD<
that I’m a good parent, and I got MY HOUSE….. IN ORDER…..

that’s all I got for tonight my peeps…
hope you learned something…… realized something about your own life…...enjoyed something, anything……

you know, I love ya.