Saturday, December 20, 2014

How I feel about TRIGGERS, Bad Days, Birthdays, My fading Hero and Probation ........ (plus lots of photos)

WELL…. HELLOOOOOOOOO out there!!!

been awhile… 
so here I am, spilling my GUTS to you all, once again…..
Obviously,
you’re OKAY with that, or you wouldn’t be READING, right???
okay, GOOD
that’s GOOD….. I know I must be helping at LEAST ONE poor soul out there, much like myself… at LEAST ONE???!!!!!
I’m not all sure where the hell to start, with this one… guess I will just WING IT….
that's all I really KNOW how to do!!!



SAM MAN TURNED SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!
When I asked, what do YOU want to do for YOUR BIRTHDAY, buddy??
he took quite a long time, trying to decide…. 
it’s a big decision, ya know??

One of the FIRST things he said was,,,, Momma… I really want Daddy to be able to come,,,, no matter where we do my birthday.
I said, well….. you will have to pick a place, and we’ll just have to wait and see what his probation officer says. But he was able to attend LAST year, and he’s only had more POSITIVE things happen since, so …. I’m fairly sure he’ll get to do SOMETHING with us, as a family. Well that ended up being WHY he wanted to do it at Grama’s house I’m pretty sure… which is fine…. Nana bought a Pinata….. we had other GAMES, too…… Sam requested a “ROCKSTAR” birthday, equipped with a Karoke machine, STAGE to dance on, and everything… guess what??
OF COURSE I BUILT A STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because that’s just the kind of MOM I AM…. that’s the kind I had,,, (collectively, anyway!) And Mom always did her best to make any and every “birthday wish” I had come TRUE (within reason, of course)....... So we had a rockstar birthday party…. and he had a BLAST….
Cheyanne & Jeremy were kind enough to let us borrow thier music machine thing…. it was simple to operate, which made things NICE… and I built a “stage” out of old countertops in the garage…. we put up tarps so there was a “back drop” behind the ROCKSTARS…..
ha ha ha ha ha ha
THE PINATA WAS A REAL HIT TOO!!!!!  the kids really enjoyed that… I think mike enjoyed moving the thing ALL OVER THE PLACE so they couldn’t hit it so easily…..
and a GREAT TIME was had by all….
On his “actual” birthday, DAY…. on the 16th….. that morning when I took him to school… he was getting out of the car, and had not said a WORD earlier about his birthday … but says,,,,
“hey momma… since it’s my birthday, can you make more cupcakes like the ones you made for my party and bring them to school today?”
I said…. ARE YOU NUTS DUDE??? I don’t have TIME to make cupcakes!! I have sooooo much to do today!!!
he takes a big ‘ol deep breath…. and says….
okay… well can you buy some?
UHHHHH NOOOOOO….. do you know how much they are?
he says…(and his tone is like, I have heard this a million times)
ok, ok, OKAY….. I know we have to be smart with our moneyyyyy.  of course I’m quick to reply,,,, “yes, that’s right, we do”
he looks at me, and gives me a half smirk,
“I’ll have a good day anyway, I promise”
Okay, good!! that’s what I wanted to hear!! I’ll make YOUR CHOICE for dinner tonight, k?
“okay, I love you, “ (he blows a kiss and waves bye)
as I’m driving away……
I cannot help but think…. how EXCITED his lil face would be, IF I DID Bring cupcakes… and how he’s really NOT expecting it, and how obviously he listens SOMETIMES<,,,, to repeat the “smart with money” line….
I headed right for the Bakery ,,,,, and bought two dozen cupcakes, and a balloon, too. . . . . took all that to the school, JUST before lunchtime….. and YES ,,, as YOU can imagine… he was HAPPY…. very excited…. and told me I was the BEST MOMMA EVER……
So,,,,, it totally reminded me of something MY Mom would have done…. if I was having a crappy day,,,, on my Birthday or something along those lines…. she would surprise me in the most meaningful ways, when I very least expected it…. I think that’s a really good thing to PASS ON to your children…. Life is tough...and it’s NOT FAIR… and shit happens that we don’t deserve all the time… But sometimes, you just gotta say SCREW IT,, and buy the cupcakes!!!!! right???
RIGHT!!!!!


Sam is doing MUCH better in school….. 
the first two months he was being sent to the office to “calm down” at LEAST TWICE A DAY… sometimes you can’t count on BOTH HANDS how many times…. yeah, it was that bad……
Then, the first week of December, we went to see awesome Dr. Capp…… SHE SUGGESTED,,, we add a dose of the mood stabilizer, in the morning as well,,, since I told her, sometimes it was REALLY HARD to make it to 530pm for him to take it… she said some kids get sleepy from taking it, but since Sam is already taking a dose, maybe that won’t happen… So he started taking one before school and the difference is absolutely NIGHT AND DAY..
now…. NOW he ONLY GOES TO THE OFFICE TWICE A WEEK…. and he can “earn” quiet time in the office, by being respectful and staying on task IN the classroom!!!!! his “chart” he has been bringing home daily for a couple months,,, used to be HALF smile faces, and HALF frowny faces….
sometimes MORE frowns, than smiles (about 20 boxes, total) … well…….
SINCE THE MED CHANGE…….
ONE OR TWO FROWN FACES AND THE REST SMILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ISN’T THAT FREAKING TERRIFIC???!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELL YEAH!!!
I really am sooooo very proud of him..... Report Cards also came a few weeks ago.... and the "grading system" is different, now.... they get a number,,,, 1-2-3-4-.... one being basically behind, and 4 being way ahead.... they say the MAJORITY of kids, will recieve 2 in each category, meaning they are exactly where they should be and "on track" to get everything completed by the end of the school year, that is required... so the vast majority of kids get twos, basically and that's "average"
okay....
a kid with ADHD has to try AT LEAST THREE TIMES AS HARD, as your "average" student, to even EARN THE TWO!!!!!
Well,,, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo Incredibly happy to report, Sam recieved ALL 2's and FOUR of the 3's!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when his dad said he "wasn't really that impressed" I reminded him of what I just wrote, here..... I think THEN and only THEN, it kinda made sense to him... I said, we should be really proud even if he got ALL TWOS.... the thing is,,, for as much time as he was SPENDING IN THE OFFICE... he obviously KNOWS what he's EXPECTED TO KNOW... which is great!!! of course, I try really hard with him at home, as well... I have him do extra pages and all that stuff !!!
LOL
so,,, ALL GOOD STUFF.... I'm soooooo relieved... can't even put it into words....
Sam is also going to counseling... so we can be kind of "proactive" on the whole subject of death.... yeah, it SUCKS.... but I want him to have COPING SKILLS, remember?? so this is necessary.
well he tells the therapist last week,,,
"one day my grama is gonna die, and they are gonna take all her clothes off and put her in a big TREASURE BOX, and a guy will read about her life and how she's a good grama and we love her, and that's it, I won't ever get to see her again. but momma says she will live in our hearts and our rememberies" (memories, but he puts remember in the front)
therapist says.............yeah, that's right.. how do you know all that? he says,,, I asked my mom and she tells me.
LOL
therapist went as far to say SAM IS PROBABLY MORE PREPARED THAN ME... and will PROBABLY go thru the process better..... LOL ..... wow, well I guess I am doing SOMETHING RIGHT!!!!!
you can't help but laugh a little, too..
in a six year old brain.....
a coffin IS a "treasure box" ..... it's big and decorated and nobody opens it!! he also begged and begged for me to take him to the cemetery... so I did.. and I answered ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL those questions, as best I could as well.....

That sums up Sam for a minute.....

GRANDMA Just got out of the Hospital, yesterday afternoon....
her birthday was the day after Sam mans...
well that night...... when mike got up for work at 120 AM...... after he drove off into the darkness...
Grama was up.... I could hear her, so I went downstairs.... she said her hip hurt SOOOO bad, and her knee too...... I said, anything else wrong? "my stomach is real upset"
I said,,, ohhh Noooo... Not on YOUR BIRTHDAY...... it totally bummed me out... even though we DID have a great lil birthday dinner and she requested doing a fish fry,,, so of course that's what we did... My mom cooked it up, it was SOOOO YUMMY.
anyway,,,
she didn't look good... she was doing this belching/burp thing she used to do , before they ever did chemo, when the tumor was pressing on her belly real bad.... she like would belch every 2 minutes... and almost gag or something? I'm not sure... but it sure doesn't SOUND like it FEELS too great, I'll tell ya that much.
so she's sitting there doing that non stop..... and has the heating pad out, and is under a big ol' blanket AND has the heat on 90 .....
finally dawns on me about 530,,, she probably has a fever.... she takes her temp and TELLS ME,, it's 101.... and quickly takes Tylenol... I said, I want you to check AGAIN, in 20 minutes!!!
she said okay (between burps)
well I FELL ASLEEP.... did she wake me? NO of COURSE NOT...
when I got up, my alarm goes off at 645 to get Sam man ready for school..... I had her take it again...... 102....
I said, think you need to go to the hospital??
she says, yeah I was just thinking about that too.... I said well I will give you until I get back from taking Sam to school to "think" about it, and THEN WE ARE GOING...k?
she nodded..... and said, okay.... she didn't put up a fight... that's when I KNEW IT WAS BAD.... I knew she didn't feel well at all..
I called mom for back-up.......
and she was there when I got back from taking Sam to school....
grama is one of those ladies,,, who is PROPER... ALL THE TIME.... ok?
she can't leave the house in PJs... EVER...... it's "not okay" to do so...
get my drift?
well Mom was helping her "get dressed" which was looking like quite the ordeal for grama, cuz she was shivering cold...and sweating, too... I said, they are just gonna put your ass in a GOWN when you get there, where your PJ's !!!!
no no no no no no no ......OOOOOOK I said...... and I went to warm up her car....
As Mom and I are on each side of her, walking across the deck and to the car,,, we are about 3/4 of the way there,
"I gotta sit down Am"
you cannot sit here grama!!!
she says it TWO MORE TIMES... "ohhhh I gotta sit down, Am!!!"
and I grabbed her by the armpits, in case she collapsed, you know.... My mom came real quick behind me, and grama totally looked like she was gonna faint, or pass out, whatever you want to say.
Oh,
thank the good lord we made it to the car.
and then I raced off in my car to the hospital to have someone meet us at the front doors...
I started to cry on my way there..... I was scared, because I didn't know WHAT WAS WRONG.... didn't know if she was in full blown kidney failure, which is what I was expecting/suspecting.... or WHAT the hell was gonna happen.... would we have her for Christmas, afterall?? who knows.... is this gonna be the last time she leaves her house?
are some of the questions that ran thru my racing mind....

We got there........
they start to run their battery of tests..... she still has her "port" from chemo therapy treatments... the doc mentions, she's fighting infection of SOME KIND... 
because of the fever, (which was 103.7 when my mom took it just before we left)
and her white blood cell count is up 25% (she has blood work done every week)
and see,,, to back up a bit... her last chemo treatment was the first week of November... she was due for another ON my birthday, but couldn't get it, her kidney function numbers were damn near kidney FAILURE..... I was just trying to come to terms with facts,, that she may never regain kidney function, that this may be what ultimately takes her life. her "number" was 17 on my birthday... has to be 21 to get treatment, and had been averaging in the 20's... the high 20s.....
guess what?
by the time she left the hospital yesterday.....
THIRTY ONE....
that's right 31...... what a miracle....... I think she WILL get chemo treatment on the fifth of January when she sees the Portland Oncologist again.... barring,,, no other issues of course....
so anyways,
back to the hospital....
the doc is suspicious of her port, thinks there could be infection in or around it, because it hasn't been accessed in nearly 8 weeks... OR it could be the stint in her liver, infected..... Or who knows!!!! but if it's the stint, she'll be going by AMBULANCE to PORTLAND...
well I am happy to report...
she was released after losing her fever for 24 hours... and getting a blood transfusion, steroid shot, ETC....
She was most certainly walking better yesterday than when we brought her... holy shit....
it's so hard to see her in pain.... and unable to walk on her own... she's always been SO TOUGH... so INDEPENDENT.... soooo STRONG... you know? just like my other post...
a SUPER HERO, in my world, absolutely.....
she IS a HERO, and always will be to me...
I just...
I think once she passes.....I KNOW I will "get thru it" yes.... I know it will eventually "be OKAY" again.... but I don't think I'll ever be the same... if that makes sense?
it will be like part of me is missing....
not a big part..... not like an arm or leg..... like a toe, or a finger... or an ear..... where, I will notice EVERY SINGLE DAY...... but I'll be okay.... just not right away...
jeeezuz....
did any of that make sense???
I sure hope so.....
When Sam's therapist was going over some "goals" with me... I said, to prepare him for death of loved ones.... I KNOW he'll be sad, yes... SO WILL I-----.... but.... I don't want it to be TRAGIC..... and of course I don't want him to totally lose it, when I DIE, some day.....
During relapse prevention.....
I was told the only way to prepare for some one's passing, is to spend as much quality time as you can with the person... and really be "present" during that time you DO have with them..... meaning use ALL FIVE of your senses...
you know,, I know it sounds dumb, but it's good advice, to live your life more PRESENT..... instead of when your kid is talking to you,,, thinking about the grocery list or bills the whole time.... engage in the story with him.....
PLAY ALONG with his make believe....... 
You'll be surprised how much fun, just the SMALL... day to day things are,,, 
when you're ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PRESENT...

moving on....... I'm so glad she's better..... I'm so sad she has cancer.... I'm sad she may not be around much longer..... I'm happy that she's fighting.... I'm happy when I hear her say,,, maybe I'll just beat this thing and laugh in all their damn faces!!!
yeahhhhhh
but I do ... I REALLY DO want her to have QUALITY OF LIFE over quantity of life......
I promised her I wouldn't let machines keep her alive.... and I won't.... I wouldn't be able to SEE HER go thru that, either.... and especially how damn independent she is......
I don't want to see her lose that.... one reason I stay with her..... so she can keep her Independence.... the other reasons, are of course the kids make her happy.... and I want Sam to have LOTS of GREAT MEMORIES to look back on... to pull out of his heart when he's sad.....
and last but probably biggest of all...
I haven't been a good person,
at certain points in life... I was a real piece of shit there for a period of time.... I did things, I'd never fathom doing, while SOBER...
part of which, included stealing from my grandma..... a person that would ALWAYS catch me when I fell.... ALWAYS throw me the safety net, before I hit the concrete.... I stole from her, and I couldn't be trusted in her home without supervision....
so,
now... NOW I feel like I am helping make up for those mistakes.... I'm doing anything and everything I can to make her HAPPY and PROUD of me, and make the last few months, or year or WHATEVER it is,,, that she's on this earth, JUST a little better..... like cooking, and cleaning, just being THERE,,,, for her, talking to her, showing her I'm NOT that person anymore.....
which is really important to me.... I think that's one reason I will make it thru the process ahead of me..... because I have learned... well I"M LEARNING COPING SKILLS... and I'm not still using, and I'm not still out being a big piece of shit, that can't be trusted.....
that person wouldn't even recognize me, today....

*****SIGH******* I just love her SOOOOOOOOOOO much......she's my HERO, and she always will be......


Mike & Probation.....
well...... I'm sure only about 10% of you know that they make all sex offenders in Oregon take Polygraph tests, while ON supervision.... AND from that 10% maybe 5% will know they have a polygraph that is even worse than "normal" maintenance ones.. it's called a
FULL DISCLOSURE polygraph...
and it's OVER 200 QUESTIONS in a packet... ALL ABOUT YOUR COMPLETE SEXUAL HISTORY... I mean EACH and EVERY PERSON you EVER,,,, EVER had ANY KIND Of sexual contact with.... making out, feeling up.,,,, 
ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING Bukko....

TWO HUNDRED QUESTIONS... 
yeah, they COVER everything imaginable..... 
OHHH,,,,,,,,,and maintenance polygraphs are $275..... full disclosure,,,, $450.... (what age did you start to masturbate, and why ..... have you ever spanked, choked, slapped, or restrained someone during sex, have you ever used a sex toy, have you ever shaved your pubic area or asked someone else to, have you ever had anal sex, have you ever experimented with animals and sex, have you had sex with a dead body, have you wanted to, what's your biggest fantasy, what's the ONE thing that turns you on the most,,, ETC ETC ETC)

you know how many Christmas presents ($450) that could have bought?
but the GREAT THING IS....
HE PASSED THAT BOOOOASHIT..... !!!!!!!
and NOW he has to write an essay or something,,, 
and then he's moved into ADVANCED treatment.... the LAST STEP...... good for him..... I'm so proud of him, for making something POSITIVE come from something so awful.... so horrible and so fucking UNFAIR.....
I mean, let's get real for a minute...... mike for some reason got the hint this WOMAN (26) was flirting with him... maybe HE IS socially stupid,,, who knows... but for some reason, he did.....
he "made his move" to touch her knee and thigh.... and when his hand got to her upper/inner thigh,,, she pushed it away and said no... and according TO HER STATEMENT ALONE,,,, he stopped and didn't attempt anything afterwards, and didn't say one word the rest of the ride....
okay,
so let's recap....
***60 days in county jail (and probably another 60 days - on sanctions----since release, at least 90 days on GPS from sanctions)
***Forbidden from living at Family home, with wife & child
***Forbidden from ANY CONTACT with 5 yr old son, (took 5 months to get phone contact approved, 10 months for SUPERVISED visits)
***registered sex offender(SO), for life
***3 years of SO Probation.... 
***plus SO treatment..... a weekly group $50 each and every week
****so far, FOUR maintenance polygraphs, and the full disclosure. he's passed all of them.
****$2700.00 court-ordered evaluation, within 45 days of release from county jail. (which he did and had good recommendations, none of which were ever taken seriously)
****PO denied two jobs he had, before the log truck company.
**** isn't allowed at a grocery store, movie theater, restaurant, clothing store, ANYTHING.... he CAN go through drive thrus...
****check in to probation and have "class" each and every week at the $50 costs, if you don't keep up, you're kicked out and then in violation of probation.
**** cannot live with anyone who has minor children, cannot live within 1000' or adjacent to a school, park, daycare, bus stop, or anywhere that children do or may congregate (which includes the one and only homeless shelter here)
**** must get 2 weeks advance notice for dr. appts or anything like that, via "action plan" (written permission and guidelines) which your GROUP gets to "vote" whether you get to do whatever....
**** a 25 page packet of rules & restrictions... one of which states ALL sexual relations must be approved by PO. (we did one, they make you sign a thing about birth control because "its a violation to procreate as a SO on probation")
**** he cannot change diapers, or help with bathing.... at ALL,,, even if I'm right there... (so, just do it, you say??? yeah, well don't forget about the every 60-90 days you have a polygraph!! and the PO can take away any and all privileges over not passing it,,, and seeing your kid(s) is definitely a privilege)
****when I had Sullivan in Portland... he couldn't stay at the hospital w/me. he could be present for the birth and THATS IT, and REQUIRED to be ESCORTED by security TO AND FROM MY ROOM to the parking lot when he got there, and agian when he left..... 
((((like he's gonna rape a kid or something, on his way in???? ))))

Hmmmm
I could probably add more, but I think you get the picture? ( keep in mind,,, his CRIME was touching a women's leg(age 26 @time of incident) , over her clothes, for about 3 minutes, while driving 60mph on the highway)

now...
DONT GET ME WRONG HERE FOLKS..... I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a consequence..... but I have written documents, of Sam asking his preschool teachers, if his DADDY DIED AND NOBODY IS TELLING HIM about it.... because he's just "gone"..... since mike COULD call from county jail...... those first ten months was PURE FUCKING HELL.... with Sam asking EVERY SINGLE DAY..... about his DADDY....
and all the places I wrote to,,,, bawled on the phone to,,, JUST to be ignored......

there's something SERIOUSLY WRONG with this picture....
and now..
now they are prosecuting TEENAGE BOYS,, for CHILD PORN,, for having naked photos of their girlfriends...... that the GIRL SENDS..... CP charges,,, with mandatory minimums of 5, 10 & 15 years...

when are people going to "wise up"??
when there are MORE men on the SO registry than in the "regular" population??

people say sometimes.... yeah, but he TRIED to have an affair... and he worked pretty hard at it...
yes.. yes that's true..

but.... Do YOU think he learned his lesson?
I could be wrong.... but I'd be willing to bet the FARM, if and when a woman or ANYONE even gets remotely flirtatious with him, in the future,,, I see him CALLING IMMEDIATELY or RUNNING to me IMMEDIATELY, and reporting EXACTLY what "happened" or what was said,,, ETC....
I don't know any other man,,,, who has had such harsh consequences for an online cyber sex chat... or anything else... hell there's a few men that have a whole DIFFERENT LIFE, online, and their wife has NO CLUE.... I don't think I'd trade places... this whole thing has taught Mike he CAN tell me his inner most feelings, the uncomfortable ones, and I'm not going to judge him, or think badly of him.... that really brings you closer to another person.... plus it's like were on Mr. Toad's wild ride, thru HELL, or something? and we don't KNOW what's around the NEXT BEND,,,, but we're going for it , anyway.... and we're gonna try like hell to make it!!! to the FINISH LINE...

I still have a LOT of resentment and anger built up.... but Mike... is trying soooooooo hard.... he's supporting the family AND his probation Bullshit, financially..... 150%..... and he goes to work every day by 230/3 in the morning,,, doesn't get done until 330pm sometimes 530pm..... he's trying so hard in "group" (which he hates, and none of the people he goes with have NEAR the type of "crime" as him)
that he's NOW getting ready to move to ADVANCED....
and it's been TWO YEARS..
in TWO YEARS.. NOBODY else in his group has passed all their polygraphs... NOBODY has passed the full disclosure (he asked even)
and yet,
he's moving forward.... I can only imagine how hard that is...

he absolutely wants to go to counseling... even if we do NOT stay together, we are both under the agreement we are still going thru some kind of program to be EFFECTIVE CO PARENTS.... which I think is a great idea....

Ohh.... my whole POINT OF EXPLAINING ALL THAT...
was... okay last summer, Sam wanted to go to the GoKarts, right?
you might remember my post...
well, Mike was forbidden by the PO from going to the one in Long beach WA, because, and I quote...... "I'm uncomfortable with you going out of state"
well guess what.....
he had a action plan last week,,, to drive grama on a trip to see family in central Washington and be gone one maybe two nights.... I told grama, DO NOT get your hopes up... I'm fairly sure, it'll get denied....

IT WAS FUCKIN APPROVED.....

I mean, for THAT MUCH to change... this guy MUST be doing SOMETHING RIGHT.... something!!!
and I'm just proud of him,
because someone else in his position may well have just freaked out and lost it,,, which I believe they'd have every right to do so... I've totally LOST IT a few times...
he took this and made it an OPPORTUNITY to be a better father, and a better MAN... and a very good example for his boys....



Triggers & Bad thoughts

I had a couple really difficult days in the last two weeks or so... not difficult,,, like what I usually write about.... like a bunch of bad LUCK happening? or something....
difficult as in.....
thinking about using... A LOT..... there was about 4 solid days... it's ALLLLLLLL I thought about.... 
morning, noon and night..... 
first it'd start as a trigger,,,, like I want to get high because (insert variety of reasons)
then, I would most certainly, and rather quickly I'd love to add.... talk myself totally down from it, out of it,,, tell myself all the reasons why it wouldn't HELP anything.... even if it DID temporarily make me feel better.... LOL..... very temporary.........
I dunno..
I guess it's stages... stages of recovery..... and I'm definitely in it to WIN IT.... but it's still so freaking hard sometimes....
I'm so lucky to have as many support people as I do... I really am... I feel confident that if I couldn't talk myself down/out of the trigger, I could call someone, and "tell" on myself, and that would help.... It has helped before.... my green monster.... (addict side of my brain) HATES IT WHEN I TELL ON IT....because that makes that green monster lose power... when I'm silent,,,, it's gaining power....
I saw someone "nodding" in town two weeks ago.... that kinda pissed me off, more than anything... LOL.... I was surprised... it used to really make me 'reminise' well.... NOT NO MORE.... thankfully....

Sullivan David
my not so little four month old guy~~~~
he's so funny...
he's SO HAPPY.... and awesome... and CUTTING TEETH ALREADY!!!
he rolls around all over the floor... back and forth, back and forth.. then gets stuck and freaks out... LOL.... Sam is such a good big brother... he WANTS to help, I'd say 70% of the time... that's good... I'll TAKE THAT!!!
I'm absolutely certain..... Sullivan is here, so I wouldn't "lose it" and relapse when I found out grama was sick... when they found the cancer.... when the cancer spread.... when they deemed her terminal..... maybe that's why he IS HERE.. and it's NO ACCIDENT... and maybe that's why he's a damn easy baby comparatively speaking.... LOL.... Sam was definitely high maintenance... I've EARNED SULLIVAN..... believe me.... 
you should SEE Grama light up, when this kid SMILES AT HER... it's so awesome... it's like MAGIC.... magic IS REAL, ya know? it's just different than most people think...
I find comfort,,, knowing that in the future,
I will ALWAYS FIND GRAMA IN SULLIVAN'S EYES... and SMILE... always... that.... .THAT HELPS..... why else would I have gotten pregnant, ON birth control.... AND made it to a full term, HEALTHY BABY BOY.....??? ...... oh.... he's definitely part of a bigger plan.... he's here to keep me straight..... well, that's what I keep telling myself anyway.... whatever works, right????


OKAY IM DONE RAMBLING...
this stuff just gets to my last nerve, once in awhile... I just cannot help it...


ENJOY SOME PHOTOS......

I love each and every one of you that supports me... and my fight to get thru the days, still opiate/heroin FREE.....

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH for being YOU


 














YEP THIS IS ME... these days...... LOL


TRUTH !!!!!!





 this last one...... I DEFINITELY DO!!!!!!