Sunday, November 2, 2014

stuff I left out, from last week.... (forever imprinted) O Shit!!!! Moments

 well for the sake of...... "get to the point already, Amber......."
I left a few things out of my recent post.....
they weren't important, or news of any kind, but I sure don't understand how I get myself wrapped into these precarious situations sometimes???

FYI..... I even kept a few of the swear words.(less than 5)... so you've been warned !

Thoughts today On shitty friends......
I guess I just expect people to do their best, and NOT hurt others, on purpose, you know, act like a DECENT HUMAN BEING...... and what I'm a little SLOW to learn, is ,,,,,,
thats just NOT how some people are!!!!!

first of all....
a while ago,,,, I wrote about a close friend, having an "incident" and basically it resulted in his demise...... (he passed away).....
  link to post about his death, scroll to last section
... and I can't remember if I mentioned, his wife...???
she just didn't go away....... like AT ALL...... after he died...... and at first, I felt bad, yes... I sure did.... but after weeks and weeks of hearing her tell EVERYONE and ANYONE that'd listen,,,,, how sad and suicidal she is, because she just lost her husband...... that's right..... 3& 4 months later, shes still saying JUST lost him....... Oh, and I should also mention, collecting (trying to) money for his very needed burial and funeral...... which she still hasn't had...... unless she HAS in the last 2-3 weeks, and I just don't know because I'm not talking to her, now.... or again..... well, probably again, eventually but only to "keep the peace"
she's shown me her true colors,
and reminded me that it is SOOOOOO FREAKIN HARD to make "FRIENDS" as you age....
guess that's why you're supposed to do it , young........
I thought she was..... but friends, don't name call , and degrade, accuse, lie, manipulate each other when they have a shitty day,,,, or even get mad over something stupid....... I'm nowhere near exhaggerating, and REALLY want to give more details, but I just can't because I didn't ask her permission, and I'm NOT calling her, to do so..........  (any one I talk about in a post, I've asked permission first)
I'm almost ashamed to admit,
that she hurt my feelings, and made me REALLY UPSET at I guess what became my "breaking point"....... I'm NOT ashamed, because I know it's okay to feel my feelings no matter what they happen to be, , , and that's life without my #1 coping tool...... and THATS what I want to continue, so guess what, I'm gonna have uncomfortable feelings, too......
Here I am, now..... Guard all up again, , , built a wall around my heart, again...... cuz I'm not letting anyone hurt me, you know..... (,my grand master plan, anyway)
I hate that I started to CARE so much,
it hurt when she "flipped"
she started using, again.... and I swear turned into a different person, overnight........ demanding money, and/or valuable items. . . . . . with an "or else" to top it off,,,,, because you have a whole lot more to lose in your life than I do"
as a cherry on top.....
that was her "chapter" I guess,


like I should have months ago, as MORE than one friend, and family member mentioned I SHOULD do....
another shiny example of why I do not get along with other women, as a general rule....

I hope I'm not alone, in this "making friends" isn't easy, experience.... I don't even know how I could make it easier..... LOL

a fender bender......
O SHIT, I said,,
, as I STRRRRRRRRRRRETCH into the back seat, trying to find his "mouth" with a bottle, blindly......
and he is ***SCREAMING***
that baby is even MORE pissed now that I've had the bottle close to his lips and he can SMELL it, and still DOES NOT HAVE IT............
theres a white Chevy pickup ahead of me,,, two HUGE brand new truck tires, loose in back,,, as I'm thinking,,, if I bought those, I'd tie those suckers IN... they can be a grand a piece!!
I'm approaching a four way stop, it's busier than usual, too.... two rows at least five cars behind me,

BAM,,, kiddo is eating..... I look forward again, JUST IN TIME TO KISS HIS BUMPER.....

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww FUCK man.
he motions for ME to FOLLOW him, NOW.......
okay, yes sir.
I don't see anything on the truck, yet, ..... I can't see a mark, or a dent, scratch, anything...THANK GOD...
my bumper??? well, let's just add that to the laundry list of my "incidents" while using mostly..... and somehow never earned a DUI.....
I follow him to where he pulls over...... there's a scuff mark on his bumper, MAYBE the diameter of a's MY tan paint.......
I write down my info, but explain that this will leave me with an AT FAULT WRECK, on my driving record, again...............and I know from experience, they COST A HELL OF A LOT OF $$$$
he's on the phone and not listening.
I ask, who are you calling?
"warrenton P D"
are you serious?
"yes.... I know you can get IN BIG TROUBLE for not reporting this"
I say,,,, ummmmm yeah, when there is DAMAGE to the vehicle.....whoever is NOT at fault... sooooooooooo
"well there's damage"
not more than 1500 or whatever it is!!!! I say, kinda like, W T F is your problem< DUDE
I go sit in the car.... figure I better keep my mouth shut.
two seconds later, because it's four blocks away,,,, warrenton's finest shows up.
Officer says,,,
that where she hit ya?
and points to the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE TRUCK, that I actually hit.....
dude says, no, and wipes the RAIN off the bumper so you can see the paint.
cop says...... yeah, you don't HAVE to report it, unless you do want to file a claim, but it will leave a pretty bad mark on her driving record, I know that"
Im like. WOW.... thanks for saying that.... whew.
this dude,,,,
says he probably is,,, and it's a "company" truck, and he'll have to talk to his boss.

ummmm YEAH, you do that, , , and I actually SAY,,,,,,
"please be sure and tell him I just had a baby, I just had two wrecks drop of my driving record, and I'm really realllllllllllllllllllllllly sorry and will give him a couple hundred bucks, or whatever makes it okay... that I'd much rather do THAT, then go thru the insurance.

he nods okay, and leaves......

I had his info, so when I didn't hear a THING for a week,,,, I texted him.....
***this is amber that hit your truck the other day, and I'm really seriously sorry about that. I just wanted to check in with you and ask if everything is OK
--- I'm getting an estimate on the damage, you should call my dad, and gave the #
***okay, thanks

holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy shit....... WHY ...... WHY do I have to do such STUPID SHIT sometimes?
I was 15 minutes late, picking Sam up to.
he was almost in TEARS, when I got to the school finally..... he thought I forgot about him.....

well,,,,, long story short, after almost two weeks the dad (BOSS!!!)
returns my call,,,,,, says the estimate is $750
I ask if I can make payments..
he didn't really answer, but gave his address.
I haven't been able to send any money yet..... I SHOULD have.. I told him I was going to.......
I have issues, though....... I'm going to send him $200 the day before my birthday.
happy f****** birthday

If you'd like to send the guy a donation or letter on why it's stupid ,,, or how AWESOME I AM,
the address he gave is
37665 Timber Lane    Astoria, Or  97103

I tried negotiating, but I didn't try really hard.... because of the obvious predicament, I'm in.
the cop ran my ODL, and checked all my info,,, and logged my ODL #, plate , address and cell #.....handed dude a reference number to the information....
 so I can't just disappear, either.....

my............(((long pause)))........REWARDING  son.... and his shenanigans.....
I decided to go shopping,,,, with BOTH kids recently.... LOL... like that's not the norm, or something.... that's how I usually GET to go shopping.... but this time was different because I could tell Sam was emotionally fragile, already.
I asked, if he could handle it, and TRY not to fight with me.... he said, yes he could.

and his nose should have grown!!!!!
because,,, he was terrible from the MOMENT the doors slid open for us...
mom ... mom ... mom..... I want to play the machine, ... mom MOM MOM MOM MOM
maybe when we're done shopping if YOU ARE GOOD!!!
he collapses to the ground, and wails
like I murdered his Guinea pig while he slept, or something.

((whining and crying in the background,as I'm walking thru the store, with Sullivan in the cart)))
yes, people stare.
I'm used to that shit by now!!!
I just smile..... if anyone says ANYTHING, I ask if that's an offer to babysit.
they walk away briskly, 90% of the time.
as the shopping proceeded,,,,, Sam just got more unhappy with me..... he wanted a toy, he wanted to eat candy, he wanted the cereal HE NEVER EATS, and I end up throwing out after a month and half, one bowl gone.
I stick to my guns, I breath deeply, I ignore his comments and crying.... I remind him HE said he could handle it....
he wants in the cart, and back out.... IN and back OUT...... and CRIES EACH TIME when I say, you just got out, or in.... whichever it'd been.
I'm wrapping things up, and now he starts his bullshit, of running ahead of me and hiding and jumping out in front of other people.....
you know, to startle them, or make them laugh.
I'm always scared some person will have a heart condition or something, and Sam JUMPS in front of them and says HI.. I"M SAM.... and Im a lot to handle.
then runs a circle around them, points at me, there's my mom.; she's mad.
and some poor soul with a bad heart, bites the big one right there in the aisle.

anyway,,,, I'm in the clothes section now,,,, still working on re-stock of my unmentionables, because as anyone whose had a baby knows..... you just have to start over, with the whole drawer AFTER pregnancy & delivery......
Now Sam is clearing off clothes racks.... yes...... throwing all the clothes in the floor like it's hilarious. there's a couple workers that start cleaning up after him..
I YELL at him, to help..... and HELP NOW, you made that mess.
he picks up like ONE thing, and has a shitty grin, the entire time.

next he pushes the racks into the MIDDLE OF THE AISLE..... then hides in the center.
pushes the other racks, into each other or the walls...
and I'm TRYING to redirect, the ENTIRE TIME....
bribes..... candy....... the machine @front of the store.... ANYTHING I can think of...
he keeps doing it....
he stops for thirty seconds, and then just goes for more. and RUNS in between times, so that I can't get ahold of him, as he RACES passed me.
like a pin ball in a pin ball machine.

Pretty soon..... I'm wearing THIN.... my NERVES ARE GONE..... I'm Freaking DONE... over it.
the last straw, was knocking the entire coat rack over onto the floor with a sales person watching.
I was so embarrassed.

I shout,,,,,,, BYE SAM IM LEAVING.............. (cus he's hiding again)
I mean it!!!! as I empty the few items I had in the cart, onto a shelf close by.
he sees me putting the things back, meaning I AM leaving, not going thru the check out even.
he's laughing..

I proceed to walk away...... all the way outta the clothes section.
all the way to the front of the store.... just before going out the doors, I look back, NO SAM.
oh freaking well.
whos  LAUGHING NOW???????????????

I'm at the car.
phone rings....... it's mike...... I tell him, I left Sam inside fred meyer, I'm in the parking lot having myself a TIME OUT.
he says,
oh no.
he's inside, and your outside?
YEP... Yep... and he was LAUGHING when I walked out!!!

yeah... but amber, you gotta go back in and get him, like now.

SIGH.... no.... do I HAVE to?...... uhhhh...... I don't want to.......

please, amber... please.

yes of course, I'm almost back to the entry door, again. I'll call you back.

okay. thanks, love you. don't kill him.


as Sullivan and I walk in,,,,,, and back towards the area I was in..... I figured he'd still be there making a mess....
turns out.... halfway across the store, I see him being led by two workers,,,, I can READ HIS LIPS.. he's saying My Mom left without me
and Looks all sad!!!!!!!!!!


the look on his face?

lady says, that your Mom?
he says,
yeah, that's her... she's not happy tho.

COME HERE, NOW..... I told you I was LEAVING the store..... guess you'll believe me next time!!!!
the sales people laughed.... they recognized me, I think..... which is a good thing... this is NOT my "normal" reaction to my son acting out.... not even close......

but guess what?
I'm only human.... I'm definitely NOT the perfect parent.... and I totally "lose my shit" some days.
but, I apologize, don't expect him to forgive me right away, and try and make up for it, pretty quickly.....

My "with drawl baby"
that they were SOOOOOOOO concerned about..... is now...


10 weeks old, and JUST UNDER 16 pounds!!!!

more than double, his birth weight...... a MOOSE..... in size 6 mo already.
but.... a very happy,,, healthy moose. and pretty CUTE, if you ask me....

Sam has been so good with him.... I was totally worried for no reason, I think.
he's loving and just wants to help, most of the time....

So Grams had her CT scan last week.....
I guess they couldn't do as much as they had planned though, because her kidney function was too low, so they didn't use the ink/gel stuff, they did one w/o.... which probably won't be as accurate.
My mom's taking her for the results and "next course of action"
with the oncologist, tomorrow....
her "numbers" on her blood work.... think they call it tumor markers.
it's in the 200s.... and she says, it was 3 hundred something after the first couple rounds, MONTHS ago..... so it has dropped quite a lot, since just a few weeks ago it was reading over 1400
she doesn't feel well, tho.
and I can totally see it..... she gets tired so easily...... she feels so inadequate, WANTS to be able to do everything herself.... BY HERSELF..... but she just can't anymore.....
I try to make as many good memories as I possibly can, with her....  she has shared a lot of old stories from her childhood, with me the last couple months..... they are funny, too...... if you imagine 8 kids, and the early 1940s & 50s

I love her so much.
this one is gonna hurt like no other..... and our family dynamic, will change, FOREVER....
I honestly believe, it will never be the same, once she's missing....
she's like the "glue" that keeps some of us talking.... the "calm" that takes over, so one family member doesn't "go trunk monkey" on your ass....

I'm so very lucky, for the privilege of having so much time with such a beautiful human soul.
there's so much to learn from her..... so many obstacles she had to overcome..... overcome and stand victorious over the very reasons she could have given up, and nobody would have blamed her.
but she didn't....
not once....
she fought.... and loved her family....... was a faithful and loving wife the better part of a half century..... and fought harder for the ones she loves/loved....

I asked her the other day,,,, just as I was walking passed , do you need anything?
she points to her lower chest/upper abdomen,
says..... "if you could make this go away, that'd be great"
and smiles.
I said..... Grama, you know, or should know, I'd slay a dragon,
if that's what it took...... anything... I'd do anything to make that come true.

she takes my hand, and says, I know.. I know you would. I love you.

I had to kiss her head, instead of say I love you back, because I had a lump in my throat.
my heart just hurts sometimes, already.

is kinda ruined for me, I think..... Until Mike's off probation anyway.
there's so many people who have NO IDEA what they are talking about when they automatically assume, "sex offender" and PEDOPHILE are the same thing....

not even close, people.
there seems to be an over abundance of "fear" driven into parents from the media.... they are the ones that call a 17 yr old, with "nude pics" of his 15 yr old girlfriend, child pornography.....
you blink, and the kid is doing 10-20, will register for life, all for his consensual sexual relationship resulting in a couple nude pics.

would you be "disgusted" by this guy ten years down the road? how about 20 ? when he's forty , and has kids of his own,,,,

 would you be repulsed by looking at him?
because, his while  "crime" will be long gone,

 but his scum-of-the-earth LABEL, is there FOREVER.

just on a side note... if you have EVER watched a lil Internet porn.....
you MAY HAVE VIEWED child pornography...

the law states,,,, that a 16 or 17 year old is  a CHILD....
and you know, even I know, all those free clips online, show ID/proof the "actors" are all OF AGE, right???  so how do YOU KNOW, they are? or aren't?
you don't........ you may have downloaded it YOURSELF......
REMEMBER THAT, next time you warn someone, or look up the sex offender list in your area. Keep in mind how far the courts PUSH, STACK, WORSEN charges, just to ENSURE they will get their plea deal
that is ALWAYS the goal.... get the plea......
you can't tell me you wouldn't SIGN your name, to get out of jail, while they are telling you of the MINIMUM sentence you will do,,,,,, if a trial doesn't exactly go your way........
any logical person, would sign away at guilt, or whatever the case may be, to not do 10, 12, 15 years in prison, or "get released today and start probation"
with your brand new label..... think about THAT....
so wrong..... unjust..........and totally unfair.

well I'm going to bed, now.... Just had to share some of those.... MOMENTS from my life.

still love ALL OF YOU.....
can you do one thing for me, this month??


and that's all I have to say about that.

enjoy some photos....

1 comment:

  1. dude calls about the $$$ today...... I apologize, say I'm doing my best...... only for more threats. . . . .

    if it was a brand new truck, I'd understand....
    if it was a really nice car, I'd understand......

    I highly doubt he's getting it fixed. . . he just wants a check, whether it's from an insurance co or me... that's it..... well that's my honest opinion of the matter anyway. which matters pretty little, at this point.
    So, he asks, when he can expect some money,
    and I say,
    the next time I'll have any money, will be the friday before my birthday,,, the 14th of November..... since as I explained before, I only get money once a month. . . . . I was trying to plan to go out of town, for my birthday..... so I will call you, on Friday the 14th, and let you know how much I can pay & send out, or if you want to meet somewhere at that time, I can do that too.

    he says, ooooooooooooooooooook
    and reminds me,

    he's trying to be NICE about the whole thing.
    sure glad he isn't pissed, huh?