Saturday, November 15, 2014

another year older, another diagnosis, another chapter in "Karma will get you" (I hope so)

ANOTHER year OLDER.......
(monday is my 33rd birthday) more gray hair in the mirror...... more wrinkles on my forehead,,,,, darker circles under my eyes when I don't get enough sleep.....
oh and my MORE important birthday,
 will be coming up again, soon TOO.....
and IF I make it....
 I'll have FOUR FREAKING YEARS....
4 YEARS....
four.......
FOURRRRR years....
why is it STILL so hard?
why is it STILL my first IMPULSE reaction ? ? ?
 you would THINK, after FOUR freaking YEARS,,,,, my brain would learn to redirect, or NOT go that route, or something...
unfortunately,,, it still does...
only difference is NOW... my OTHER coping skills (my new ones) kick in right away,, almost in an auto-pilot, way.....thank GOD for THAT one....
so, as time goes by, I grow both in maturity and age..... LOL..... and for some reason I'm having issues getting rid of the last fifteen pounds of weight gain from the BABY... I'm ready for it to BE GONE... NOW..... but, it's just not happening....... Dr says I need to give myself AT LEAST six months, and it's just barely been three.... so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.... but It sure would be nice, if it WOULD GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!


Mr. Sam man had an evaluation last week.....
Looks like he's getting diagnosed with a sensory disorder, as well as his SEVERE ADHD.... I haven't done nearly as much research on sensory disorders as I have ADD/ADHD, but I'm starting to now... the therapist said, they don't really "do anything" but teach coping skills, how to get the kid to calm themselves down, after an 'episode'
the more I read on it, the more I can definitely see his symptoms... and you know the first time it's mentioned in Sam's file is about 30 months old, just like the "hyper activity" ,,,, so it's probably spot on. . . . Anyway he has another appointment in December, we'll find out more then.

He did so great, at his 2 and half hour evaluation!!!
I was super proud of him.
"what have you learned from you Mom & Dad?"
___about what?
"about life, in general"
___that we don't hurt people and we don't hit people
"that's good... and very important.. can you tell me anything else?"
____If you do hit people, when you are a grown up you will go to jail
"well that's definitely true"
____and that good decisions bring you good n fun things in life and bad decisions bring you not so good things
"very good Sam,,, it sounds like you ask your Mom n Dad a lot of questions, that you spend a lot of time as a family"
____(sighs)...... yeah, we do. . . we eat dinner at five o'clock. . . and I like to snuggle with my daddy when he reads to me, but I have to sit still and not jump around or he stops reading.
"well that seems reasonable..... what else do you like to do with your Mom or Dad"
____reading...... Mom colors with me.... ohhhh and I really like building legos with my Dad.

Later on....
"so what happens when you make a mistake, or as you put it a bad choice?"
____ (... sighs, and rolls his eyes.....)   WELLLL sometimes, I just don't get to get a new toy at my two weeks..... and sometimes, I get a toy taken to toy jail...... and SOMETIMES< I have to go to my room, by MYSELF, until I calm down.

LOL...... doesn't sound like we're doing TOO bad, if you ask me!!!!
I'll keep ya posted, on everything else I find out. . .
so far I've been reading on the add forum, about sensory disorders and how common it is to run hand and hand with ADHD kiddos.
more on sensory disorders
Sam definitely hates tags in his shirts, or anything for that matter....
he will NOT have something tight over his head... I actually CUT 90% of his hooded sweatshirts, so that they don't go tight on his head as he pulls them on,, or he just won't put them on.... he's been like that since he was an INFANT... just FREAKED when anything went tight on his ears/head.... he's always been super sensitive to loud noises,,,, and bright lights.... anything like that , really.... which is why I never "got" why the grocery store was so terrifying...
 until his counselor explained what it's probably like to "be Sam walking in to the store" with all the bright lights, tons of people, noise from the intercom/cash registers/beeper alarms/EVERYTHING , and it's huge, I mean talk about OVERLOAD...
nowadays, I just ask HIM, if he can "handle" a trip to the store... he HAS said before,
"probably not  a great idea today Mom"
LOL... enough said, kiddo!!!!!!!!!
I love him.... SOOOOOOOO MUCH.... I just want him to be happy.... and successful at ANYTHING he puts his mind to.... I don't care what it is.... as long as it makes HIM HAPPY... I'm happy.
can we really ask for anything, more? as parents?


still dealing with the super-shitty FRIEND, problem....
only it's gotten worse... the threats, have gotten worse...
I'd call it EXTORTION, actually.
she's like trying to EXTORT money from me? . . . saying she will call CPS, and mike's PO and all kinds of CRAZY SHIT, if I don't "gimmie my money right now"
Hmmmm
yeah, NOT gonna support your HABIT, k...
Honestly, I have no idea what to do.... I was thinking of contacting mike's PO (she has the same one, what a lovely coincidence) and explaining, BEFORE she says something awful.... she's ALREADY called my Dr., or maybe talked to him in person, and tried getting me kicked out of the program... but since I DONT ABUSE MY MEDS, it didn't work.
maybe that's what made her more pissed?
*****sigh*****
I hate to be a 'nark' and go the PO but I don't really see any other options, at this juncture.. I'm almost positive she's going to do something to ..... retaliate? although, I hate to use that word, because that says I did something to her, or something to piss her off to begin with.. which I DID NOT.
I really am serious,,, she just totally changed personalities.... the dope,, I mean I KNOW the dope does that to you...... but it's just crazy, obviously she views me as a push-over or she wouldn't be trying to do what she is..... Honestly, the devil on my shoulder wants to drive right over there and beat the dog shit out of her. BUTTTTTTTTT I can't do that. . . . if she shows up AT MY HOUSE, though.......??? .............. ha ha ha I'm thinking I'd have a better chance at getting away with it....
I'd like to punch her right in the nose,
watch her land on the asphalt and say,,,
WHAT WAS THAT???
what are YOU GONNA DO NOW???
it's nice to day dream...... I decided long ago, that black & white stripes just "don't look good" on me , though....


Birthday Weekend Getaway.......
we went to Chinook Winds Casino Friday night... and stayed OVERNIGHT.... in the Casino Hotel.. in a  "jr suite" right on the ocean...
it was beautiful.... and awesome..... and I had a really nice time.....
you know what the nicest thing was?

eating dinner, at a TABLE,,,, in an ESTABLISHMENT,,,,, with my HUSBAND......
(and he even had permission)
FIRST TIME IN 22 months....
yep...
and WHY he had permission, is pretty simple.... because nobody under 21 is allowed in the place... he still wasn't permitted to gamble or go in the bar or anything... good thing I don't care about the bar, and he got to watch me bet all night, so I was fine with that!!!!
This morning,
we went for yet ANOTHER MEAL,,, in PUBLIC.... at a  TABLE..... for the breakfast buffet
it was GREAT while it lasted...
my bestest buddy,, took the kids overnight for us... her and her husband (they are newlyweds, !)
have 3 children, between the two of them.. PLUS our two, made FIVE KIDDOS.... lol
brave souls,, I KNOW!!!!!
Her and her hubby are "set up" as temporary guardians, too.... for my boys, just IN CASE of any type of emergency... I don't have to worry about them going to the state or anything like that. it's already in place and IN WRITING, and on the RECORD.... thankfully.
Anyway,,
Sam had a great time... I was so thankful, to them, her for taking the kids.... we really needed it.... just the BREAK from the kids, was great.
my awesome neighbors, took them until she got off work... and then Nana & Papa had them for awhile this afternoon,,, until we got back into town...

 it REALLY does TAKE A VILLAGE you know.....


Sullivan had his 3 mo check up!!!
he's 16 pounds, 3 ounces and 26'' LONG...
a moose?
YES... a TANK?
yes...
doesn't miss the dinner bell?? YOU BET YOUR ASS HE DOESN'T...
He got FOUR SHOTS, too.... right in his upper thighs, of course.... and I Vividly remember Sam's first round... his little body turned purple, he cried so hard and loud..... I am pretty sure it took 20 minutes before he stopped screaming......
Mr. Sully???
he.... on the other hand,,, cried during the "pokes" and his head did turn three shades of red....
but as soon as I picked him up and patted his back a few times, he was all done with the crying... he did however, continue to give me dirty looks for 20 minutes or so....
LOL
yes, the stink eye from my 3 month old baby.....


well..... short and sweet tonight..... that's about all I got for now..... I'm tired, since I didn't get a WHOLE lot of sleep last night.....(it was so worth it though)
so, as always THANKS for the support...
I LOVE YOU ALL,,,, all of you who support me... whether I barely know you, or know pretty much everything.... I have love for you, in my heart.

Until next update,,,,,, remember...... treat others how you want to be treated.... always..... even if they don't share that moral with you.....

it's just the right thing to do....

Peace & Love to you and your loved ones.











2 comments:

  1. Your story continues to inspire me. I identify so much with your statement about why the hell does my mind, after Ali this hard work and time I've put into recovery, still go "there"? I've even asked my psychiatrist, and he said it's just how your wired, but the key is using what you learn to refocus, and ignore those annoying moments when "addict brain" kicks in. Do you ever get frustrated that this thing is always gonna be with you, amber? I do. I'm like damn it, I'm doing all I can, and still I can't forsee a time when I won't need my therapy or my meds. Ugh, I hate being an addict sometimes! Kwim? I know my path has made me who I am, and I probably would not change it because of that, but still...does it get better? You've been at this a couple more years than me.

    Thanks,
    Liz

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    Replies
    1. Oh yeah... I KNOW what you mean....
      and yes, I definitely have my F-it-all days.... when I get frustrated like that, thinking this is FOREVER... therefore, quite possibly every single day I wake up, I will most likely think of using at least once. sometimes more, sometimes A LOT MORE....
      pretty disheartening.....
      I think that's where the one day at a time thing comes in... and how they say ONE HOUR, or one ten minute "block" at a time... just get thru the next ten minutes, sober........
      that's the best answer for that one, that I have...
      coping skills....
      that's the key.
      and I'm so glad I'm helping someone.... anyone.... if you ever need emotional support (the absolute most possible) in your lifetime,,, THAT IS WHEN YOU NEED IT......
      this learning to live again,
      is killing me....
      LOL
      I don't foresee going off suboxone ANY time soon... which is discouraging to me sometimes, too.
      that I need meds to "feel normal" to be able to make it thru the day without an "episode" of complete emotional loss and unstability..... or a freak-out (more like lash-out) at my son...
      NO THANKS.
      I'd rather take the meds, and all the negative feedback to go with it... I'm the one that has to live with ME, at the end of the day afterall... I certainly don't see anyone else mopping up my mess these days...
      Okay, I'm done.
      and since my birthday is tomorrow, I'm gonna say,
      Im MUCH too YOUNG to feel THIS DAMN OLD....
      I saw a comment somewhere it said,,,

      "we partied again last night,,, the kids were asleep by 8:02, and WE ROCKED IT until 8:13...... " signed, grown-ups.....

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