Thursday, October 23, 2014

A little update on life.... and life's terms......

I guess life feels pretty manageable right now....
as of THIS MOMENT, anyway.

it almost feels like me saying that, sets myself up for inimate disaster.
let's hope not.

There has been quite a lot going on, or at least it sure as hell feels that way, which is why I've started a blog post at least nine different times, JUST to walk away from it... so I'll try and make this one worth the wait....

First off....if you're wondering about the baby....
Sullivan is doing well... he's chunky and chubby and giggly, happy little dude... As far as comparisons go between Sam as a baby, And Sully..... Sullivan definitely seems to be LOW MAINTENANCE, at least so far, so good !!!!  I mean,,,, he definitely has his moments, where he's fussy or just not happy, but it's certainly not ALL THE TIME or anything....
He just hit two months old... but looks about six months old, and is definitely OUT Of newborn sized clothes.... You should see the way this kid LIGHTS UP Grandma's smile... it truly is one of those priceless parts of life.... Something I'm learning, is really what LIFE is ALL ABOUT....

My REWARDING... but challenging oldest son....
Samuel... is doing REALLY AWESOME IN SCHOOL !!!! Wow,, I cannot even describe in words, they just don't exist how much different THIS year has been from last year.. so far , anyway!!!
I must tell you,
I felt like I needed to "warn" his teacher, what she was kinda, IN FOR, you know.... with THIS KID.... so I did forward a lot of the info from last  year's evaluations and all of that, at the start of the year... She has been very adamant, about keeping in contact with me.... We write emails back and forth at least a few times a week, and it's really great to have such an open, easy line of communication with his teacher.... it has seemed to be very important to Sam as well.... that I know what EXACTLY goes on there, almost day to day..... Its sincerely helped Sam be honest and forthright about what really happens in class..... even when he does have "bad days" and makes not so great choices..... if he is HONEST and upfront with me on our ride home,,,,, I don't necessarily give him any consequences.... obviously it depends on what specifically has happened... but like for an example,, one day last week, he confessed to me, that he had to "take a break at the office" (the principal's office) because I kicked the window in the classroom"
I said, why did you do that? he replied.... because I got really, really frustrated and it just sorta happened.... Pretty damn good answer for almost 6 years old and ADHD as it gets, , , If you ask me.... So, when he asked, if he could still "play" when we got home, I said, YES, and explained the ONLY reason he was allowed to do so, is because he was honest with me, and I heard it from HIM, first. . . . so ,, I'm trying.... I REALLY AM.....
a few weeks after school began, one thing that kept coming "up" was how Sam's teacher(s) have a really hard time getting him "centered" again after lunch and recess for the remainder of the afternoon... and I'm sure because his meds wear off....
Before even talking to the doctor, I asked Sam what HE wanted to do.... and brought up the choice of another dose after lunch, at school.... His first concern, were other kids knowing about it.... after I explained (because I had asked the nurse myself already) how it works,,, and that NOBODY else needs to know unless YOU TELL THEM,,,, he said, he might try it.... I said, well you could try really hard this next week, to do better in the afternoon,,,,, and see how that goes?
he agreed, of course....
I ended the conversation that day with...... we could just "try" it and see how things go, and if it doesn't help or makes you feel worse, then you just won't keep taking it....we'll forget the whole thing. I think that made him feel a lot better.....
After I made his dr. apt to discuss this.... I told him he should think of some questions HE might have for the doctor.... because this is to HELP HIM, afterall, nobody else.
This was a couple days after the first conversation,
so the next thing he says is.... "what do YOU think about it Mom?"
I had to think for a minute, how to handle this one.....
so, I just told him, it's up to you.... because I really want him to KNOW it really IS HIS DECISION... I want him to be "in charge" of his disorder, just like I'M IN CHARGE OF MINE...
so when we went to the dr, he did ask a couple of questions, and did talk to her in detail, {well as detailed as a five year old can get.... ) about adding this extra dose of medication....
I left the office really proud of him,,,, as usual of course...

so the next week, the new "regiment" began.... the first few days he had a bit of a stomach ache and didn't eat so great at dinner.. ..... now that's pretty much gone away and it's business as usual again.. he tells me they call him to the office, after lunch every day and he gets it from the nurse, who he actually LIKES, he says.... so that's a good thing.... I ask if he thinks it's helping, and he goes on and on about how he gets more free choice time, and the little in class program-type things they do to keep the kids on track, well he gets to cash in a LOT more rewards than the first couple weeks of school, so as long as HE IS HAPPY with it,,, well then I'm happy with it...

His parent teacher conference,,, went so well.... I really could hardly believe what I was hearing... she didn't have ONE NEGATIVE THING TO SAY...
she explained that even when Sam does "need a break" and goes down to the office, that when he comes back he's ALWAYS ready to learn and not be disruptive so she can totally manage that... She said he is very good at putting his feeling and emotions into words, and lets her know what's going on with him.. like when he says "I need to calm myself down first" and things like that ,,,, which we have practiced at home for quite a while now...
She can tell when he's really, honestly trying and when he's just being a shit,,,, which is really nice too... because not everyone can tell the difference with him !!! she also says, just like I've heard from other teachers,,, that he is VERY smart,,, and CONSISTENCY IS EVERYTHING with this kid...
yes..
YES I KNOW THAT ALREADY!!! LOL....
But, I'm glad she "gets him"... I really am.... and I could tell you a thousand times I'M SO PROUD OF HIM... and it would only barely break the surface of how ACTUALLY proud I am...

He LOVES to write, and write stories....,, apparently that's his favorite thing to do in class.... hmmmmm sounds a little familiar..
she told me a few things we could work on at home, but overall he's either right where he should be, or  a little bit above where she expects kids to be... which is just GREAT....


Mike just finished up his 30 days on GPS.....
I was sure he was going to make me crazy before the 30 days was up..... This was of course all the way back from june, and having a TRACE amount of weed in a U-A...
the gps time is a grand cost of almost $500...... and since he denied being a pot head, he had to take a polygraph about it,,, very distinct, descriptive questions pertaining to the subject,,, and polygraphs are just under $300.... so I think he more than paid the band, so to say on that one.
oh and let's not forget the simple fact that he could have been sent up state for it,, the prosecutor was going to ask for the suspended sentence, to be imposed I guess ,,, but because he DID pass the polygraph, she was "okay" with the gps time instead..
So he's about half way thru this probation, and his nine lives are all used up... I'm sure... I'm absolutely sure, without a shred of doubt, if he's in front of that judge again, before his probation is up, he'll be going to state prison..... and no I don't believe he deserves that... not for the "crime" and certainly not for anything that's happened , since...
all I have seen from him in the last 12 months is a whole lot of effort... honestly... he is trying harder than I ever thought he would,,, harder than I thought he was even ABLE to personally.
And, I'm not just talking about Probation stuff... I am mostly talking about him trying to be a better parent... and co-parent... and his communication skills, with me.... everything really.......
I recently went with him (because I had to supervise him) to a mental health appointment...
and he confessed to the doctor, that he walks around in a constant state of panic... a constant state of FEAR, of being sent to prison.... because his restrictions and rules are so strict, and because he's done everything he can possibly do,,, tried as hard as he can for the last year certainly.... and nothing much has changed... he still can't go to the grocery store, shopping mall,,, anything like that...... me and him going to a movie or out to dinner is COMPLETELY out of the question.... you know, all that shit.
I know I get pretty pissed by a lot of the rules,
but I'm certainly not in a constant state of panic... that's gotta be difficult to say the least.. and he really IS taking it so well... and continues to overcome all those obstacles....
who knows what the future holds..... all I can say is,,, for now he's certainly trying... and I'm certainly supporting him doing so.
There's this level of comfort I have,,, just because of our history, I guess.. I'm not sure what to call it.. yeah, I'm still pissed and hurt about a lot of stuff that happened... but ,,, I don't feel like I want "revenge" anymore... I don't feel like I need to hurt him BACK, anymore....
some might call that, , , , , , , progress?  
time will tell.... that I know for sure.


Grama started the new chemo, about 6 weeks ago now........
and I'd say she's tolerating it OK.... not great, but not laying in the floor miserable, so hey, I'll keep up the positive.... her tumor=marker=numbers were down to 200-something last week, which is lower than when she first started treatment back in April.... it was all the way up to 1400 remember,, when we found out the cancer spread... Her hopes are definitely up,,, from what she tells me... and that's okay,,, I mean I am SUPER HOPEFUL TOO>...... I would love to see her have as much time with US, as possible... as long as she continues to be HER,, and not sick and miserable in a bed somewhere... you know?
So far she's definitely still herself... LOL.... she has her grumpy moments, and even her nagging moments.. but I figure, she's earned THAT, at this point.....
We stay with her, about half the week.... as allowed by Mike's probation and all that... I can tell when me and the kids get to be "too much" for her..... and vice versa... but overall,,,, I think she likes having us/me around,,, and I know I definitely help her keep up on things a lot more than when she is just by herself...
she's such a fighter... I can only hope to have half the fight she has, some day....
I swear my heart aches sometimes, because I love her so much.
It's great to watch her interact with the baby.... that lil guy brings a huge smile to her face.... and it's so nice to see it on her....
Lately she's been sharing stories with me, about when she went to school,, and growing up without electricity or even a refrigerator.... and can you believe she was one of eight children, all but two of which were born at home.... I find that amazing... really awesome, actually....



Sam said the other night,,, as I was walking thru the room.... "Mom are you still on Suboxone?"
I was pretty shocked, by that question, because it came from HIM....
first I said, who told you to ask me that........ he didn't say anything.
So , I said, Yes, I am... and I'll explain what that means, what suboxone IS, when you are a bit older, and can understand a bit better, okay?
he nodded..
I asked him..... Do you have any other questions about it, or anything else?
"no... not right now"
okay then.... love you so much buddy.....
and that was the conversation..... how strange, though, right???
or maybe not?
I still kinda wonder where it came from, but maybe he hears me talk about it, and maybe he was just wondering..... I'm glad he feels comfortable to ask me anything.... and while my knee-jerk reaction is to LIE... lie about any and all drug use to him... I just can't do that... I PROMISED myself I wouldn't do that... so I have to be honest... and I'm just not sure when or if ever,,, I'll be ready to go off suboxone.... for now, I'm not going to FIX what isn't BROKEN...
for now..... I still have triggers... and still have impulse issues.... I still have the impulse, to use when I think about sad, upsetting things going on in my life.... of course I handle it much differently, and I'm getting better at these coping skills ALL THE TIME.... but I'm damn sure not close to being "good" without my lifeline.... I never planned to be on it for this long...will be four years in April... but nobody ever plans on being a junkie, either...

I've decided I'm going to make a "go" of working for myself again.... as a specialty contractor... I mostly want to do doors, and windows.... decks, stairs, FINISH type stuff like that.... I figure I'll advertise by the hour, too because hardly anybody around here, does that.. or is even willing to do so... my reputation is a LOT better than it used to be,,, my skill set is even that much better,,, and I have a lot more willing people to help ,,, to refer work than I did before.... BEFORE when I made a go at it.. with a $200 a day habit to support.... and you know what,, I kinda did OKAY for like six months,, even with the habit... so I'm kinda thinking,, I might have half a chance in hell, of MAKING IT.. ya know???  I mean,,, I just figure if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out and I move the hell on... Part of me, is definitely afraid of SUCESS... if you can believe that....
My main thing is, I don't want to work 50 hours a week, in the wind driven rain..... I'd rather work, for myself, doing the things I LIKE, and the stuff I'M GOOD AT,,, part time... 25 or so hours a week.... I never thought, I'd say to myself...
"I don't want to be away from the kids THAT much"
HA HA HA HA...... who would have ever thought, eh?


well that's about all I have for tonight... I have a pretty HILARIOUS post half way written up... I need to get finished....
But that's my update for now...
here's some recent photos, that you most likely already saw if you are on my FB list,, but have to share again , anyways....

and a huge shout out to ALL OF YOU THAT SUPPORT ME..
of course.... because I just wouldn't be HERE... breathing... if it weren't FOR YOU..... I hope you are taking good care of yourselves and your families.... hug them... for me, too.

,,,,,,,,,,all my love.... until next time......










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