Sunday, September 7, 2014

Even a HERO, isn't immortal

My heart official broke last April for Grama,
when I found out about the pancreatic cancer....
well now..
now it just hurts, and feels heavy in my chest......

she had some blood work done around two weeks ago, and it came back that the tumor markers had spiked from about 300 to 1400.
They did 3 CT scans on her abdomen last week, and Friday she went to the oncologist to listen to the results/prognosis/new plan of action.
Turns out, she's got a new lesion on her liver, the tumor has grown rapidly, all happening  WITH chemotherapy, furthermore she's now NOT a candidate for surgery, and

WITH chemo treatment they are giving her maybe SIX MONTHS,,, 
without,, maybe TWO to FOUR MONTHS...

Remember, when I said, I'd stay hopeful about everything,,, but I have to stay close to reality, too?
I guess this is why everyone told me to do just exactly that.
The other part is,
no matter what the "numbers are"
the simple fact is,,, at this point she could get a flu virus or a bad cold, and that could be IT... all she wrote.
with a diminished immune system, and no "strength" really left to fight off anything.... it's just sad to think I may not have very long left with her, at all.

On the other hand... I have gotten a LOT of time with her.... It's selfish to ask for more, when I've gotten to make so many GOOD MEMORIES with her the last couple of years... She's gotten to meet and love Sullivan,,, her and Sam have gotten to spend a lot of time together, too... he's now old enough where I'm sure he will remember her.. Or at least I certainly hope so.

I hope, wish, pray with all my heart,
she doesn't suffer, or lose her dignity, laying in a hospital bed for weeks or months on end.
I only hope for WHEN life finally does leave her body,
for it to be FAST and painless, and her not to be alone... and definitely not to FEEL ALONE.

I'm terrified for what the future months may bring my family....
But again, I know it's selfish to want more time to save myself from the inevitable heartache that lays before me.
I tell Sam,
that "death" is a fact of life, a natural part of life, and one of the only things that is FOR SURE, in our natural lives..... I do that to try and prepare him for my inevitable demise I guess.... Because it really IS a part of life, and although it's tragic, sad and really hard to get thru sometimes, I hope it doesn't always have to be SUCH a painful experience. It's hard to see someone you have always seen as so STRONG.. not be....
to be growing older, weaker, and more fragile all the time.... Life is a precious gift and we all get lost in day to day things where we sometimes forget that....


Grama is going to start this new chemo, next week..... it is more aggressive than what she has been getting though, and while she thinks she'll be able to "tolerate treatment" who really knows what will happen, or how it will affect her. She may ultimately decide to let nature take it's course, and that she doesn't want to spend her last few months, sick...... Sick from chemo that will not cure her cancer, but only slow down the progression, at best case scenario.

It NOW makes perfect sense to me, why I got pregnant when I did....
Because if I wasn't carrying another life inside me when I found out about Grama's cancer, things may have gone much differently.... and NOW.. now that we KNOW there isn't much time left,,, I have a good reason, like the BEST reason to hold myself together, and really BE HERE 100%,,,, in body, mind, soul, spirituality, ALL OF IT...
And,,, I'm grateful and thankful Grama has gotten to meet Sully, love him, hold him and hug him.... there's nothing else like looking into a child's eyes.... I've always felt like THEY,,, maybe only your own kids? Can see into your eyes, and straight into your soul... they really can see past all your own bullshit... and whether you REALLY MEAN IT OR NOT.

The day Grama got the call about the bloodwork , and they told her she was having some CT scans done the following Tuesday..... And that they had cancelled her upcoming surgical consult,,,
it looked like someone kicked the wind right out of her.
I said,
it's okay... whatever happens,,, it's OKAY and I LOVE YOU....
she said,
I just thought I was on the right side of this thing, like I was beating this thing. guess I'm not at all.

All I could do was hug her and tell her that I love her.. I have no idea what ELSE TO DO...

I confessed to her yesterday,
I'm worried about where Mike is going to live, until he gets off Probation... because even living at her house, took a judge's order to get "permission" to do so...
The only other option for him while on probation would be something like a camper or 5th wheel on his boss's property..... After his probation intake the PO pretty much ruled out ALL family and friends' residences we brought up, that did NOT have kids living at home..... even the homeless shelter is forbidden because of it's geographic location.
And I know that is small potatoes compared to what we are talking about here... however it's a huge issue when you think about how much the kids & I rely on him financially right now.
I have no idea what her plans or thoughts are about the house,
but this issue is forever present in the back of my mind now...
Prior to Friday's appointment,,, I thought I had AT LEAST a year with her... and thought Mike has  a good chance, if not great chance of being off supervision within that time.... But now, four or six months put things in a whole different light.
His court date was rescheduled for the 19th of September... so he will likely be doing 30 days on GPS starting that date. Hopefully that's what the outcome is, anyway... So far it seems that it will be. Let's hope that at least, stays the same...

People ask me,,,
how are you doing with hearing that news?

well how the hell do you THINK I'm doing???
I'm sad..... and scared,,, and worried.... and hurt,,,,, all at the same time...
It kills me to see grama so sad, too...... she's like devastated.... just like I said before; somebody knocked the air right out of her.....
I'm trying to stay positive, or as positive as humanly possible... I also don't think that I've fully PROCESSED any of this "news" .........
Maybe I am choosing not to, for awhile..... who knows, really....

Grandma asked me not to tell Sam of what the Doctor said.... what their "estimates" are... I agreed that I wouldn't because I've already explained to Sam about the cancer, and grandma's age among other things.... I also told him she could get very sick, any time. . .
He asked me if she was going to die....
I said, well yes , eventually... and eventually we ALL will die...
and the only thing we can do while she's still here, is love her as much as we can, and tell her every day how much we love her.
that seemed to make sense to him, or enough sense, that it stopped the questions. . .

I know kids bounce back from things like death of family member a lot faster than US, adults..... and actually all the adults of the family being sad, might be much more scary for him......
No matter what happens,
I'll do the best I can, and be as honest as I can possibly be with him, all while trying to remain as positive as possible..... not "hiding" my feelings , but TRYING to make it NOT so tragic of an experience...


Well that's about all I have for now....
I will just ask that you keep Grama in your thoughts and prayers,
and share the hope with me, she doesn't suffer too much in the last months (hopefully) of her life. . .

thank you


here's just a FEW of the memories I've been lucky enough to share with her......














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