Sunday, July 20, 2014

Seriously......(ouch)... enough already...(I can't breath)........ whatever I need to do, I'll do it.....

My name's Amber, and I'm an addict.

Yes, I have a little over three YEARS sober, now... But my addiction is still alive and well.
it's the ONE thing that remains constant....
All the "experts"  say you stop maturing when you start using drugs to cope, I know I've talked about that before. In these terms, I guess I'm about 21, mentally--"maturity-wise"  now.
Is that why,
when I hear something upsetting, it ACTUALLY FEELS like a horse has kicked me right in the chest, and knocked all the air out of me?
Or, is that why my heart actually physically feels broken sometimes? like it really is shattered inside my chest, being held together by hope and love like super-glue?

these are questions that race through my head on a fairly regular basis. Numerous others come and go as well, but I'd never repeat those. . . . I'm a very honest and sincere person, I know "me" better than anyone, so I guess that's why I can say that with such confidence. There's this fine line I'm trying to teach my son, soon to be two sons, of being totally honest and forthright in your life, BUT to the right people, and in the correct context.
although I'll never understand WHY,
there's some people out there, that are just plain mean, and unfair on purpose. I honestly, do NOT "get it"
I do not understand why anyone would ever want to purposely bring another living person, PAIN, whether it be emotionally or physically.
It's a very difficult thing to TRY and explain, too I might add.

Somehow over the last 18 months, I've been able to keep the general HOPE alive, that
basically people are good, and will do what's "right" even when nobody is watching.

Last Saturday was one of the hardest days that I can remember coming for a long, long time.
It wasn't the "worst" by any means, but it was damn difficult to endure. . . .
I figure any day remotely close to THAT difficult, painful, stressful, or uncomfortable that I lay down at night still sober, "in tact" and the kid(s) too,,,,
Well that's a WIN.....
no matter what has actually happened, or not. it's a WIN, because somehow I freaking MADE IT, without my "go to" coping mechanism.........
yes, three years down the road, 3 years of complete separation, using is still my very first thought.
Let's paint a picture of how I GOT to Saturday, to begin with......

****Mike has to Self-Surrender to the Jail*****
The weekend prior, Saturday the 12th, I gave Mike a one-way ride to the County Jail, as he was instructed by his probation officer, for the "getting sent home from work crew incident".
you might remember failure on his part,
Scroll down to "Mike's epic fail" for the full story
and what I feel wasn't really fair to begin with since it was supposed to be A HUNDRED HOURS of COMMUNITY SERVICE... so why or how it turns into jail time, almost two weeks of jail time, is beyond me. Started out, to be just eight days, but upon "self surrender" the papers said 12, because the credit for time served was taken away. Also I guess they were going to make him serve the 14 days of electronic monitor he completed, but somehow convinced them to call about it.
 Okay, back on topic....
I took Sam to the arcade, to make the day about something OTHER than "Daddy going to jail"
So, we did that.... played at the arcade for most of the day.
The first couple of days was kinda depressing for me,
just realizing that if his probation does indeed get revoked, THIS is how things would be, only a newborn "in tow" on top of everything else....
Saturday night, he finally calls after being transferred almost immediately upon arrival to Tillamook County Jail...... a total surprise.... oh, and of course it's a completely different phone company so the $50 I had put on the "jail phone" account was of ZERO USE now.
on a  side note,
Did you know these phone companies charge on average $7-$10 to ADD anything from $5 to $50 to your PREPAID PHONE account???
then, like what happened in my case, if you ask for the money to be credited back, they charge ANOTHER $8.95 or so, and BLOCK your number, so that you won't even know if the "inmate" is TRYING to call and/or has been transferred again....
I left the original money alone, added more money to the NEW account/company from Tillamook, and life went on. Of course it's long distance and we could only afford one call a day, but that was still better than NO CALLS at all, especially to Sam.
On the upside, Mike said the staff/guards in general were so much nicer to him, and treated him so much better that he didn't really care about being there. To add to that, the food was better, and no nose bleeds from the stagnate air, like Clatsop, so there was that as well.
Somehow Sam and I made it through the majority of the week,
just doing our normal things.
On Thursday, his probation officer finally returned my calls from the week prior. We actually had what I would call a good conversation. She said a lot of positive things about her "report" and that her recommendation was going to be 30 days via GPS/electronic monitor, so that he could still work and provide for the family.
She said, she didn't see any reason for him to do any additional jail time at all, let alone prison. But that the DA could push for whatever they want, including complete revoke of probation. When I asked her about what they were proposing, she said the prosecutor and her agreed to an "out of custody" hearing for the violation, but that the prosecutor wasn't sure what her final recommendation would be until she read the probation officer's "final report"

****Probation Officer's violation report****
Mike read it over the phone to me, just last night and let me say that IF a violation report COULD sound GOOD...... then this one, does.
the only negative thing, it says AT ALL... is that he did fail a drug screen almost a month ago now, for 58 nanograms or whatever, of THC.. it also says that's a TRACE AMOUNT, and he entered probation w/a valid medical card....
The PO actually talks more about the PROGRESS he's made and his "gainful employment making it possible for him to support & stabilize his family along with comply with all other financial obligations" her recommendation is 30 days on GPS monitor and continued probation, she feels confident in continuing supervision the next 16 months. Says a bunch of other stuff about all the positive things his therapist reports, and the fact he told her outright he was going to fail the UA and then directly afterwards told his therapist and group as well. that this is all substantially different than when he first entered probation, and was "arrogant, self-centered, easily angered and in major denial"
I could say more,
but you get the general idea. It's also a big deal because it's insanely difficult to get her to say ANYTHING positive, generally speaking, much less to write it out for court.
The week prior I also forwarded paperwork to the prosecutor/DA's office,
 including financial statements from all of mike's probation accounts- statement from treatment ($40/wk) two restitution accounts at the court house, all stating that he's in compliance or that they are paid in full, lastly a short letter, stating that I'm 8 months pregnant and completely financially reliant on him at this time. Now, last October when we went to court, the prosecutor's "main concerns" were his treatment and financial obligations. At that time , neither one were being addressed because he had just barely started working. So, I really for the life of me cannot see her recommending ANYTHING more than what the PO is. But, I hesitate on counting on that because of all the other absolutely unfair things that have happened in the past. All I can do myself, is hope for the best and try and prepare for the worst.

*****Friday, Specialist OB/Surgeon/Perinatologist appointment in Portland*****
Started out with an hour long ultrasound, where they did a bunch of measurements and were trying to estimate just how developed this baby boy is, at that moment in time.
turns out they say he's SIX pds FOURTEEN oz, and NINETEEN inches long, already.
then, I was on the fetal monitor for a little bit, to check for baby's stress level and/or contractions, which I was having none, and no signs of stress.
My follow-up appointment afterwards, went pretty well. We scheduled surgery for Tuesday August 12th at 830 in the morning, UNLESS of course I go into labor beforehand, at which time I would have to try and DRIVE TO PORTLAND, you know in active labor...... LOL..... yeah, okay.
that's not gonna happen, because I'm doing as the dr. recommended and NOT over doing things, getting lots of fluids, NOT stressing myself out, ETC ETC ETC.

*****Last Saturday*****
I'm not sure what the hell set my son off for the day, but regardless he awoke with tears,
because "I miss my Daddy"
that's how the day began....
I kept telling him his Dad was going to call early afternoon, because that's what we had planned two days beforehand. My doctor's appointment in Portland with the specialist Friday, I told him don't bother because we'll be gone all day, just call Saturday and I'll fill you in.
The afternoon came and went.
We argued all thru the day. I even let him play at his "friend's house" just down the block here, in the back yard for like three hours..... thinking, that would help his mood.
when I went to get him at 5pm to come home and eat,
he called me stupid, among other things, in front of all the other kids,,,, Hit me, threw his shoe at me, pushed me, screamed in my face that he hated my guts, ETC ETC ETC.
I get his tantrum having ass in the house, only to endure more punishment.
let's just say it was really highly difficult to maintain 'composure' but somehow I did it.  he didn't eat any dinner, but after we argued back and forth, him telling me he's old enough to do whatever he wants, he's the boss, ETC ETC ETC, he finally settled down.
His dad finally called, from Clatsop county jail this time, at 7pm.
they transferred him to serve him with a "no bail felony warrant for revocation of probation"
My GUESS is,
they did so because he was already in custody.
My HOPE is, he will still be released on Wednesday, as scheduled.
At first the jail guard ONLY served him with the warrant, and he called me in complete PANIC MODE, thinking he was going to be stuck in jail only to be shipped off to prison. No questions asked. But that's not all the paperwork there was. First we both had to have a meltdown, then he received the rest of the papers, with the ACTUAL report from the PO which I already explained actually sounds pretty good.

well I really hope I have good news soon..... I really hope Sam can stop hating my guts for missing his dad, soon too. I'm trying to be understanding, I validate his feelings when he shares them with me..... I do whatever I can that might help even a little bit...... I'm pretty damn nervous about mike being held there, though, and going into labor in the meantime.

Let's just HOPE that doesn't happen.
I guess that's all the words of wisdom I have for now.

As always, thanks.......
thanks for the kind words, the encouragement, and just being in my corner. I just don't think I'd be anywhere close to where I am, mentally or physically without every single sliver of support I do get..... Because there still hasn't been ONE EASY DAY, yet.
and I'm guess that won't change, any time soon.



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