Friday, June 27, 2014

Why does THIS happen every time......... just....... WHYYYYYYY?

(Caution..... F=bomb ahead......)

I'm beyond frustrated......
The last 18 months has really been a living nightmare. . . . . I really mean that. . . How's THAT for honesty??

Sure,
most days I can "shine on"
and give this complete HELL the finger, and keep on truckin'.

After a year and a half, it kinda feels like "auto pilot" to do that.... I try not to think about my anger or frustration, and focus on the positive stuff instead.... I constantly remind myself that MY SON is the one who is paying the MOST for this entire situation, and it's obviously up to ME,, and me alone, to do whatever I possibly can do, so he feels the LEAST amount of negative effects from it.

The last 3-4 months, was the FIRST time since January of 2013 that I had some REAL HOPE for the future..... It took almost 4 months for me to finally be "okay" with being pregnant... For me to feel like I CAN DO THIS,,,  meaning HAVE A BABY in this completely fucked up situation.
That felt really good..... and for whatever completely screwed up reason, each time I start to feel that way, I get "knocked the fuck out" once again.

Now...
well NOW I'm just in complete panic and filled with fear again. I'm scared to DEATH that I'm completely on my own,,,,For the "long run"  with a newborn baby and a 5 year old who will once again, lose his father almost completely....... I just don't know if I can do this......
It's NOT FAIR,
and I shouldn't have to. . .

But, I learned a long time ago life is pretty fucking  far from FAIR.... and my husband's situation is the FARTHEST thing from FAIR I have EVER WITNESSED with my own eyes. I might sound like a broken record when I repeat again, that I'm not portraying "husband of the year" here... or anything close. But what took place, has ZERO to do with him raising his children.... yet, they are the ones who will pay the price.... yes, I will too..... but at least I had a CHOICE in the matter.... Sam and his little brother on the way,,, have had NO CHOICE at all.

Let me explain how the most recent catastrophe has reared it's ugly head......And how a new nightmare is about to unfold ......
When Mike took the plea bargain, and completed his "Probation Intake" (March 2013)
one of the MANY things brought up, was how he is diagnosed bi-polar, and PTSD from prior military service,,,, which in turn led to him having a valid medical marijuana card....

The attorney, said when some one's "crime" has ZERO to do with a drug offense, it's left up to the Probation Officer, what, if anything is done about a medical card.
As you can probably already imagine from his bazillion other rules and restrictions, the PO didn't give two shits about it... And Mike in turn, quit it all together. . . He ended up adding two more medications to his list, because of that, or for that specific reason.
The first 90 days of his probation, he had drug tests every single week. Then, they just stopped.

They stopped completely until 3 days ago.
Yep, that's almost 15 months of no drug tests. . .

Now, having a CDL and driving log truck, he was already subject to random drug screens. Furthermore he's passed FOUR random tests, that I myself know of, since the beginning of this year.
Apparently,,,
Last week at his regular "group" and check in with probation (yes he's checked in WEEKLY for 18 months) he was given a random drug screen.
He was honest and forthright, and said there's going to be a trace amount of marijuana in that.
I'm told- it was at that point  the PO informed him, they have a very serious problem.

He doesn't know WHAT is coming yet, until the PO decides... that's right it's completely up to ONE SINGLE PERSON.
whether he goes to State Prison for 28 months(then 36 mos probation starts over) , OR ? nothing happens at all. . . . This one person, is in charge of whether or not he GOES TO PRISON... whether or not he LOSES HIS JOB, and so much more.
and the kids... let's not forget that he's a father to two kids.
Now, lets remember hes getting ready to do ten days in jail for saying "this is fucking bullshit" at work crew, after waiting three hours to be told he couldn't complete work crew. (after a court date saying the exact opposite)
Oh, and last October, he did 14 days in jail for being at a business that was next to a daycare center, without written approval/prior permission........

I'm physically sick. . . . . I'm now kicking myself in the ass, for depending on him 150% financially for this pregnancy so far, , , , There's not one thing I can do about any of it, either..... I have tried everything I can think of, and so much more than that, the first year he was on this living hell of a probation contract.
Now, it's all circling the drain over a trace amount of THC.

I feel like I am, too. . . . . Honestly I don't know how I'm holding myself together.... I really wasn't yesterday, if I'm being honest..... I cried again, like I did 18 months ago, until I had no tears left to cry.

I'm better tonight.... I've RE-accepted the FACTS, that there's NOTHING I can do about any of this. And, making myself ill certainly isn't going to help the situation. Neither would a big fat relapse, since we're on the subject. That has certainly crossed my mind, though.
It'd sure be nice to forget about all this bullshit and feel really good for a few hours.
I know,
I know,
it doesn't last... and everything would be so much worse, afterwards.... I can't help what thoughts fire into my brain.... I can however, control what I do with them after that.

that's the ONLY REASON for this post, tonight.

I wish, hope and pray with every ounce of my being, he can stay out of prison, and somehow not lose his job, over this.
But I have to stay realistic and be comfortable with the FACT , that just might not be "in the cards"

Before this latest train wreck,,,, I was starting to work on how to release some of this anger and resentment I feel on a daily basis. . . . well that certainly seems like small potatoes, at this point.
How do all these "normal people" do it?
I'll never BE 'normal' so I guess I'll never know. . .

I'm fairly sure Mike wouldn't even survive prison. . . . He just doesn't "make friends" easily at all... he's not in general... a "likable guy"
Now, after people get to know him,,, yeah.... but, let's be real here... I don't have time for fairy tales.
He'd either take his own life, or just not make it "out"
he's already said, if he goes, he has no reason to try. . . I've been honest with him and told him I'm finalizing the divorce, if he gets sent up state. . . I just refuse to drag two kids to state prison to visit their father.

Nope... not what I signed up for......

And, if anyone would be inclined to 'wish' him to prison, wouldn't it be me? wouldn't I be the one most likely to feel hatred towards the guy???
yet,
I don't ..... I think he made a couple stupid, INSTANT mistakes.... that he MAY just pay for , with his very own life.

and just why the HELL does this feel like "movie of the week"
turn me off already.... I'm fucking done.

More later....... That's all I have left for now.

All my love
amber





I miss this.....



And,,, last but certainly not least....
from the depths of my soul.....



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