Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Everything Changes, PART 1 of 2

EVERYTHING CHANGES... But life goes on....

..................... Part/Entry one of TWO.....

Certainly,,,, it's been much longer than I planned since my last entry..... I just have a WHOLE BUNCH ON MY MIND.... these  days!!! 
and you're about to find out why,,,,,, AND why it takes "two parts"
ha ha ha ha ha ha 

There’s definitely a LOT that I feel like I need to go over. . . . . .

 Life is forever changing… ALWAYS CHANGE… that’s the ONLY thing that remains the “same”
Pretty sure someone bright and intellectual quoted that once, but I have NO idea, whom.

On the subject of : My highly lovable, yet highly challenging son....... 

After careful consideration, and about 18 months of straight up denial,,,,,,,  I have finally come to the conclusion, I do have one challenging, five year old child.  I mean, ALL kids are challenging, but anyone that KNOWS Sam,,,, or has been around him, for ANY length of time, doesn’t matter what setting,,,, KNOWS what I’m talking about. I have friends that REFUSE to go to ANY store,  (example the grocery store) WITH my son and I together…… they will go with ME, , , , no problem. And, these are FRIENDS….. so, that should say something, right there. I guess when you deal with it, day in and day out, you get kind of used to it? The “normal” for your child might be completely the polar opposite of your friends’ children. I recently had a friend, quite a few years older than me, who raised her four kids pretty much on her own; tell me , “thank GOD all four of my kids, weren’t as much work as Your ONE, is, or I would’ve NEVER MADE IT”
Gee……. I dunno if that’s supposed to make me feel better or worse?

I just smile, and hold my kid close, tell him I love him a couple extra times, because I don’t want him to think I love him less. He’s quite the INDIVIDUAL, and I love him FOR that, not “still” …. I mean, that’s what makes HIM,,,,,,,, HIM….. and nobody else.
There was a big meeting in Mid February, on Sam's current year at Head Start, and ESD classes, and his transition to kindergarten next year. I'll spare all the boring details and say,,,,
he met ALL his educational goals, but FAILED to meet his behavioral goals. They have a specialist that comes in from Mental Health,  to "evaluate" kids, twice a month, so they get to see the children's behavior MORE than just "one day". That way, they get a better idea of what that child's "average day" is. Of course when they asked me to sign, for this a few months ago, I did; pretty much already knowing what the outcome would be, because we went thru the SAME thing, last year. His previous year at head start, and ESD twice a week, he turned four in December, and according to every professional I've asked, and everything I've read online (via reliable sources) it states that even five years old is the "early end" for diagnosing ANY disorder, let alone ADD/ADHD. . . Now its no secret that I am absolutely textbook, ADHD. But I guess I don't really view it as a "disorder" more of an obstacle, but ONLY IN SCHOOL...... Once you're OUT of school, depending on what career path you choose, I think this so-called disorder CAN become a strength. . . . Of course I'm going to remain positive about it, because that's part of how I cope with having it, myself. 
the big meeting plays out like this......... Every single person at the table, has NO DOUBTS about Sam's Intellectual ability, his goals were all met, he definitely made huge progress as far as class work goes. But they all have (including me/Mom) their doubts about his ABILITY TO SIT AND FOCUS.... Or his ability to sit with the group and NOT be disruptive. 
here's the thing....
I know the difference with my son, NOW... in, ...."oohhhhh look what I did ,, ha ha ha " when he messes up, And, this look of outright guilt and remorse, that he so wishes he could UNDO TIME and take it back. he'll even ask what he can do to "make things better" after messing up, spilling something, breaking something by touching it too much, or too rough, you get the idea.
he's NOT blatantly being destructive. 
And upon asking him,,,, "this is broken Sam, what happened?"
he'll say something like, "I dunno, my hands just went crazy, it just happened like that"
and I can totally tell he wasn't MEANING for whatever to happen.... he's truly embarrassed and sorry that it did. 
One idea the specialist had, was to start a sticker chart, he could take this sticker chart with him each day at school, and we'd have "blocks" of his MOST challenging times of the day, on this chart, he could EARN a sticker, for each time he "did a great job" during whatever part of the day.
well the first two weeks went pretty well : 5/8 stars, then 6/8
the third week...... he had a bad day,,,,,, followed by and EVEN WORSE DAY..... which included spilling paint in the floor, pushing a friend, throwing things in class, and pretty much running around the room like a crazy animal, including destroying the bulletin board.
YEP!!!! that's MY KID...
Well,,,,, after that performance, he lost his nintendo, and two of his favorite toys, UNTIL Tuesday came again... let me say, he was NOT HAPPY about having to "live with consequences" for the next four days, as a result of one class time's behavior. . . But I really think he was just trying to see WHAT I would do? I'm not sure. 
After hearing "you know you should have him evaluated for ADHD"
for almost TWO YEARS, now..... and him NOT being in ESD next year, but a FULL DAY of kindergarten.... I finally made the calls, today.... I'm getting TWO SEPARATE OPINIONS... one will be March 24th, and the other May 8th. I'd really like the "medication" answer to be the VERY LAST RESORT..... I was of the opinion, two years ago, I wouldn't put him on ANY MEDS,,, ANY TIME SOON.... but, after seeing how embarrased he gets in front of his peers, when he cannot control himself, and how self-conscious, not to mention anxious and worried, , , well you get the idea......... I'm now thinking.... WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HELP HIM SUCEED...... My dr. is an ADHD specialist, but only for adults..... I've been taking Samuel to my appointments lately, just because of the day/time they fall on..... He even says, hes pretty certain he'll test "on the high end" even for five years old..... when I talked to my dr. about how against I was the idea, of "medicating my child to make my job as a parent easier" 
he said....... how would you feel, if he really does have a problem, and medication really was the ONLY option to help him but he completely failed in school, from lack of self esteem, among other things?
Well,,,,, that doesn't make me a better parent, either, does it?
no , it doesn't
it's a TOUCHY SUBJECT with people.... I have my peers, ask "is he like this ALL the time?"
what do you mean, I think to myself, of course he is!!! this is normal !!!
then I share about the thoughts/refferalls I get from the school and they look at me like one of the worst people on the planet, for even THINKING of medication..... Well, Im sorry, I just want my child to suceed... and obviously,
 if it was MY GO-TO SOLUTION.... to put him on meds,,,,, wouldn't I have been there 18 MONTHS AGO telling them how "overwhelmed" I am by him????
yeah.... pretty much.....
so,,,,,,,,, we shall see...... I am not doing anything, until I get two opinions, and then I want to try any kind of behavioral intervention, or learning/coping skills, they recommend.... because it really is MY LAST RESORT,,, but I'm not totally ruling ANYTHING out, to help my son succeed, as a student, as a person and as a future citizen of this highly UNFAIR WORLD... 
he needs any chance he can get, to get ahead. He deserves the  BEST I CAN DO FOR HIM, and nothing less..... so, I'm sorry to say, that's exactly what he'll get. 

Next topic......... SURPRISE!!!!! Welcome to crazy-land........

most of my family, already knows this..... but, to make an extremely long story short.....
And I'm sorry for announcing this , to my FAMILY this way, not until now, this little short part before my "announcement" , (and especially apologize to my Mother) I just don't like talking about it...... 
 I went on the low dose version of birth control, shortly after having a miscarriage (estimated @9wks along) in late Spring 2013.....NO, I wasn't "trying" for a baby. but I wasn't on birth control, and then my husband went to jail, and the Dr. thinks it was "mainly a result of stress & rejection from my body" 
It wasn't an easy time for me, but I've accepted it, and I've moved on, 
and "that's all I have to say about tha--aat"
 (NO bringing it up, please-----thank you)

The reason behind "low dose" is.......... the immense history of cancer, in my family. Including ------my grandma being diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30's (& having a mastectomy in the 1970's) then fighting cancer twice more to date,,,, her mother (my great-grams) having cancer twice I believe, eventually dying from it,,,, ,,,,, my uncle David; losing his battle with prostate cancer at the early age of 39, my mother surviving colon cancer (in her early 50's) while I was pregnant w/Samuel,,,, my grandma is one of 8 siblings, only one other survives with her, THE OTHER SIX,,, their deaths all resulting from cancer of one form or another. 
you get the idea, yes??

it's not so much a question of IF i'll battle cancer in my lifetime, it's a matter of WHEN they will find it.....
The "free clinic" will NOT give you and IUD, which is what I wanted, unless "you are in a committed, long term relationship"..... well being recently &  legally separated from my spouse of nearly 12 years, that was outta the question !! and believe me; I tried to convince them..... 
Now that's out of the way......... fast forward almost a full year, of yes, taking the pill correctly, daily.....Thanksgiving rolls in & out, Life goes on, you know?
December............ I miss something important..... Something I'm supposed to 'have'  before starting my next month of BCPs.....
I call my dr's office, and explain, then ask,,,,,, well do I start the  next pack, or what?
the medical assistant, puts me on hold for what seems like forever..... She comes back and says, yes go ahead and start your new pack, but can you come down today to get a blood test, just to make sure every thing's alright?
Sure, why not.
So, I go that same day,,,,, get a few viles of blood drawn, and LIFE GOES ON... I pretty much forgot about it. until,,,, just two days later...... the same Medical Assistant calls, from a blocked #, and says, "hello Amber, how are you, Well uh, the Dr. would really like to see you today"
I'm puzzled, I say, well I'm not due for my refill for almost a week (thinking it's something to do with my suboxone prescription) I follow that with ; do I need to take a U/A, or come in for a count? (that's where they count your prescription to make sure you're not abusing/selling it)
M.A. says,
"no, nothing like that, he'd just like to see you today"
I'm still..... NOT catching on......
then , finally it hits me.... and I say.... LOOK, I know you'd just send me the results in the mail if my "test" was NEGATIVE the other day!!!! it's POSITIVE HUH??? HUH???? IT IS!!!!!
she's stuttering now...
and blurts out a time for me to be AT the office, and then hangs up!!!!
Honestly,,, I don't blame her,,, I wasn't being "easy" to deal with, by ANY means, and if I were her, I'd have done the same thing, if not , then something worse probably.
by now,
I'm sure you know what I'm going to say......... by the time I get to the dr's office, he says, "congratulations, you're five weeks pregnant"
I seriously,,,, felt like I was gonna PASS OUT.... lack of oxygen,,, lack of reality,,,, I'm not sure. . . I sat there, absolutely "deer in the headlights" STUNNED...... then I got kinda MAD..... and asked HOW THE HELL COULD THIS HAPPEN????
He says, well we did go over the fact, low dose is only about 80% effective when taken 100% properly... Well I took it EVERY DAY,,, I KNOW I DID!!!! He says,,, yes but also remember you're supposed to take it the SAME TIME, every day as well...... 
In my head.....
hmmmmm..... damn ADHD, anyway!!!!! 
I blurt out.... well this is ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!
he looks SHOCKED and he says, NO ITS NOT MY FAULT,,, I KNOW THAT FOR SURE!!!!
I must admit..... THAT part is KINDA funny,,,, now.
but it sure wasn't at the time !!!!   I was also on some antibiotics for four days, in Late October, so he said, that could have been enough to "mess up the next month's cycle"
ohhhhhhhhhhh thanks for telling me NOW....
honestly,,, he probably DID tell me at the time,,, I just wasn't paying attention... or didn't remember, or whatever.... LITTLE LATE FOR WORRYING NOW,, ain't it??
as of now, I'm 17 weeks along, I'm due in mid-August, and it's going to be a scheduled Cesarean, because Samuel was, and they don't really give you an option of anything else afterwards. No, I don't know if it's a boy or girl yet, I won't know for another couple weeks. . . . I certainly haven't been nearly as sick as I was, when I was pregnant with Samuel, so part of me thinks girl.... part of me wonders if it's a boy though, because ALL SAM ASKED for, for his birthday AND Christmas last December, was a BROTHER...... so maybe it's HIS fault????? ha ha ha ha ha ....... He's certainly excited to be a big brother & hes absolutely CONVINCED ITS A BROTHER!!! Dont try and tell him any different !! he will YELL at you !!  "its a brotherrrrrrrr"
As for the father.... I'm not going to publicly name him... This is my public blog, and not his..... No, we will not be "playing house" anytime soon... that's just NOT our relationship..... it didn't start out that way, and I think he's mature enough, and I've learned enough to know, JUST because it "sounds like a good idea" does NOT MEAN IT IS A GOOD IDEA...... And maybe we both know it would end in disaster??? I will briefly mention that's it's not who you "automatically assume" it is.........which is really very sad, when you think about it, because this is probably the last thing he ever expected, from me....Who's fault is that, though? certainly, not mine........  AND, , , ,  like I've said time and time again..... LIFE GOES ON..... 

I have enough financial support to where I don't really HAVE to work, to live and eat, and keep a roof over my head... in NO WAY am I "rolling in the cash" but I'm not starving, either. And, who the hell wants to work construction, while pregnant?? Been there, done that,,, and got the shirt... No thanks regarding the "replay". . . . . . I'll go back to work when I can, hopefully start with part-time and work up. I'm good with that idea, and comfortable, too. 

THANK GOD for my FAMILY  & CLOSE FRIENDS..... there's just NO WAY
 I could do this, without each and every single one of them, supporting me!!!!! 
(this means even if I only "communicate" with you via email/text/FB, you're still CLOSE, to me)

 they all have been surprisingly positive about the whole thing... I always have felt sad, at the thought, of Samuel being an only child... he's just SO LOVING,,, and wants to help everyone, all the time,,, he really has SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE...... So, really I think this will be great for him, and will help me A WHOLE LOT.... You know, once he gets over the whole, newness of the baby, wearing off, and I'm sure we'll go thru the "I'm jealous" stage, and ETC ETC.... I'm talking about after all of that transitional time... I think he'll be a great big brother, and a great help to Momma, as well. 
so, I must be NUTZO, right>????
especially considering my first topic, and the difficulty Samuel is having in PRE-School.....
I really think I'm doing a good job, I KNOW I'm doing my absolute best, and sometimes, when I look around, I KNOW that's more than "most" parents, these days..... I say that because about half of my son's class is grandparents, and Great-Grandparents, picking up these 4 & 5 year old kiddos. . . .  . . 

(fade into being a parent isn't easy)

there's.....something to that,, I think.. Or at least a long story, I don't know about. sure for some it makes absolute sense... but for others, I think it's just an easy way-out. Then again,,, I kinda think everything happens for a reason, although we might not know WHY at the time. why did it take over five years to get pregnant without ANY kind of birth control, the first time? Yet, I get pregnant ON birth control, this time? I don't know the answer, but part of me JUST has to believe and have a little faith, that this IS MEANT TO BE.... 
No way is it the "portrait of perfection" I had planned, in my twenties. 
but, I'm happy..... I really am.... and I'm happy ALONE, too..... I enjoy my TIME ALONE, these days... I used to be absolutely TERRIFIED, of being by myself !!!!!  which is why I was ALWAYS SOMEPLACE WITH SOMEONE..... Until my addiction stole, that , too.
My point is,
you really do NOT have to have "the finer things in life" that only rich people can buy.
I'm happy dancing while doing housework, on Saturday afternoon, with or without Sam there. Sure, I love him to death,,, i really do. and even when I THINK I'm "tired of him and need a break"
it isn't even 10 minutes of him being gone, and I think, wonder what he's doing? if he misses me yet?
One thing I have definitely learned in this last 1.5 years, is I"M A BETTER PARENT WITH A BREAK once in awhile... I'm saying even the couple afternoons a week, he's in school, is enough. . . . . Unless he's really having a hard time, then I do ask , someone I trust with all my soul, "can you hang out with him, for like an hour so my nerves can re-charge?"
And you know what goes with that?
that's why I just cannot for the life of me understand,
these articles in the media,
"two year old found in bathtub, mother's boyfriend arrested on aggravated murder"
I'm not saying, no good parent would ever GET this point, right before...... I'm sure some parents have ALMOST gotten to the point of no return, and probably don't even know it. I'm just willing to bet, if a parent, of a child of ANY age, if they came to let's say YOUR DOOR and said something like;
"oh I hate to ask you this, and I may not know you all that well, but seriously I'm gona lose my shit if I don't get like 30 minutes without my kid in my ear,,,, NOW"
your reply,,,, pretty much unless YOU were having some kind of emergency,
"SURE YEAH,,,,,,,,,,,,, bring'm in,,,,,,,,,,,,, you got a half hour"

because if your any KIND of a decent parent, that tries, and loves with their whole heart and soul,,, YOU'VE BEEN THERE, Or Close and KNOW it's an emergency!!!!!!
I've had my moments, where I wasn't sure if SAMUEL & I WOULD BOTH BE BREATHING @BEDTIME !!!
Thought, for sure one of us, was gona strangle the other... NO not literally... don't twist my words around and make me sound evil, alright? it's a joke and anyone who's talked to me longer than thirty seconds knows the EXACT humor I mean, and I'm using. . . 
this is a sensitive subject, so that's why I'm trying to not leave any "questions" in what I'm writing about. I wish you could "hear" my tone..... You'd get it, easier. 
to all those, hard-working REAL PARENTS OUT THERE:::::
Please, don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, and even when you don't.... I bet you'd be superbly shocked in how MANY people you don't think about, who would GLADLY watch your kid(s)
And believe me,,,,,,
it makes you a BETTER parent, , , , , , , , , ,  because you can "recharge"
just who the hell can YOU take care of , when you're NOT taken care of??? 
.....nobody.... especially not a child, that needs patience, tolerance, forgiveness, an ear for never-ending story telling , ETC ETC ETC
Just ask,,,,,,,,,, please.. ANYONE you trust. . . .it sucks to see articles like that, in the media/news 

And with that, I'm going to say goodnight,
and don't forget to make the BEST of what you have, and who you have in your life.... 
you never know when it, or they,  might be gone one day. 

---------topics to hit for part/entry two -------

recent media coverage  involving close, very close friends from the not so distant past. . .......

lowering dose on subs to  SIX MG per day (down from 16mg )........

coming up quick, on THREE YEARS OFF THE JUNK!!!!!!.............

Mike's upcoming court date, for two probation violations. . . . . 

until then,,,,, THANK YOU... you know who ya are !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sam's school picture day! he "styled" his very own hair, telling me,
"I don't NEED My Momma to do it!!!"

Just one of my favorites, I wanted to SHOW OFF, again !!!! 
Sam man, last summer, in Florence Or
("our road trip" he calls it)

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