Saturday, December 20, 2014

How I feel about TRIGGERS, Bad Days, Birthdays, My fading Hero and Probation ........ (plus lots of photos)

WELL…. HELLOOOOOOOOO out there!!!

been awhile… 
so here I am, spilling my GUTS to you all, once again…..
Obviously,
you’re OKAY with that, or you wouldn’t be READING, right???
okay, GOOD
that’s GOOD….. I know I must be helping at LEAST ONE poor soul out there, much like myself… at LEAST ONE???!!!!!
I’m not all sure where the hell to start, with this one… guess I will just WING IT….
that's all I really KNOW how to do!!!



SAM MAN TURNED SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!
When I asked, what do YOU want to do for YOUR BIRTHDAY, buddy??
he took quite a long time, trying to decide…. 
it’s a big decision, ya know??

One of the FIRST things he said was,,,, Momma… I really want Daddy to be able to come,,,, no matter where we do my birthday.
I said, well….. you will have to pick a place, and we’ll just have to wait and see what his probation officer says. But he was able to attend LAST year, and he’s only had more POSITIVE things happen since, so …. I’m fairly sure he’ll get to do SOMETHING with us, as a family. Well that ended up being WHY he wanted to do it at Grama’s house I’m pretty sure… which is fine…. Nana bought a Pinata….. we had other GAMES, too…… Sam requested a “ROCKSTAR” birthday, equipped with a Karoke machine, STAGE to dance on, and everything… guess what??
OF COURSE I BUILT A STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because that’s just the kind of MOM I AM…. that’s the kind I had,,, (collectively, anyway!) And Mom always did her best to make any and every “birthday wish” I had come TRUE (within reason, of course)....... So we had a rockstar birthday party…. and he had a BLAST….
Cheyanne & Jeremy were kind enough to let us borrow thier music machine thing…. it was simple to operate, which made things NICE… and I built a “stage” out of old countertops in the garage…. we put up tarps so there was a “back drop” behind the ROCKSTARS…..
ha ha ha ha ha ha
THE PINATA WAS A REAL HIT TOO!!!!!  the kids really enjoyed that… I think mike enjoyed moving the thing ALL OVER THE PLACE so they couldn’t hit it so easily…..
and a GREAT TIME was had by all….
On his “actual” birthday, DAY…. on the 16th….. that morning when I took him to school… he was getting out of the car, and had not said a WORD earlier about his birthday … but says,,,,
“hey momma… since it’s my birthday, can you make more cupcakes like the ones you made for my party and bring them to school today?”
I said…. ARE YOU NUTS DUDE??? I don’t have TIME to make cupcakes!! I have sooooo much to do today!!!
he takes a big ‘ol deep breath…. and says….
okay… well can you buy some?
UHHHHH NOOOOOO….. do you know how much they are?
he says…(and his tone is like, I have heard this a million times)
ok, ok, OKAY….. I know we have to be smart with our moneyyyyy.  of course I’m quick to reply,,,, “yes, that’s right, we do”
he looks at me, and gives me a half smirk,
“I’ll have a good day anyway, I promise”
Okay, good!! that’s what I wanted to hear!! I’ll make YOUR CHOICE for dinner tonight, k?
“okay, I love you, “ (he blows a kiss and waves bye)
as I’m driving away……
I cannot help but think…. how EXCITED his lil face would be, IF I DID Bring cupcakes… and how he’s really NOT expecting it, and how obviously he listens SOMETIMES<,,,, to repeat the “smart with money” line….
I headed right for the Bakery ,,,,, and bought two dozen cupcakes, and a balloon, too. . . . . took all that to the school, JUST before lunchtime….. and YES ,,, as YOU can imagine… he was HAPPY…. very excited…. and told me I was the BEST MOMMA EVER……
So,,,,, it totally reminded me of something MY Mom would have done…. if I was having a crappy day,,,, on my Birthday or something along those lines…. she would surprise me in the most meaningful ways, when I very least expected it…. I think that’s a really good thing to PASS ON to your children…. Life is tough...and it’s NOT FAIR… and shit happens that we don’t deserve all the time… But sometimes, you just gotta say SCREW IT,, and buy the cupcakes!!!!! right???
RIGHT!!!!!


Sam is doing MUCH better in school….. 
the first two months he was being sent to the office to “calm down” at LEAST TWICE A DAY… sometimes you can’t count on BOTH HANDS how many times…. yeah, it was that bad……
Then, the first week of December, we went to see awesome Dr. Capp…… SHE SUGGESTED,,, we add a dose of the mood stabilizer, in the morning as well,,, since I told her, sometimes it was REALLY HARD to make it to 530pm for him to take it… she said some kids get sleepy from taking it, but since Sam is already taking a dose, maybe that won’t happen… So he started taking one before school and the difference is absolutely NIGHT AND DAY..
now…. NOW he ONLY GOES TO THE OFFICE TWICE A WEEK…. and he can “earn” quiet time in the office, by being respectful and staying on task IN the classroom!!!!! his “chart” he has been bringing home daily for a couple months,,, used to be HALF smile faces, and HALF frowny faces….
sometimes MORE frowns, than smiles (about 20 boxes, total) … well…….
SINCE THE MED CHANGE…….
ONE OR TWO FROWN FACES AND THE REST SMILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ISN’T THAT FREAKING TERRIFIC???!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELL YEAH!!!
I really am sooooo very proud of him..... Report Cards also came a few weeks ago.... and the "grading system" is different, now.... they get a number,,,, 1-2-3-4-.... one being basically behind, and 4 being way ahead.... they say the MAJORITY of kids, will recieve 2 in each category, meaning they are exactly where they should be and "on track" to get everything completed by the end of the school year, that is required... so the vast majority of kids get twos, basically and that's "average"
okay....
a kid with ADHD has to try AT LEAST THREE TIMES AS HARD, as your "average" student, to even EARN THE TWO!!!!!
Well,,, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo Incredibly happy to report, Sam recieved ALL 2's and FOUR of the 3's!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when his dad said he "wasn't really that impressed" I reminded him of what I just wrote, here..... I think THEN and only THEN, it kinda made sense to him... I said, we should be really proud even if he got ALL TWOS.... the thing is,,, for as much time as he was SPENDING IN THE OFFICE... he obviously KNOWS what he's EXPECTED TO KNOW... which is great!!! of course, I try really hard with him at home, as well... I have him do extra pages and all that stuff !!!
LOL
so,,, ALL GOOD STUFF.... I'm soooooo relieved... can't even put it into words....
Sam is also going to counseling... so we can be kind of "proactive" on the whole subject of death.... yeah, it SUCKS.... but I want him to have COPING SKILLS, remember?? so this is necessary.
well he tells the therapist last week,,,
"one day my grama is gonna die, and they are gonna take all her clothes off and put her in a big TREASURE BOX, and a guy will read about her life and how she's a good grama and we love her, and that's it, I won't ever get to see her again. but momma says she will live in our hearts and our rememberies" (memories, but he puts remember in the front)
therapist says.............yeah, that's right.. how do you know all that? he says,,, I asked my mom and she tells me.
LOL
therapist went as far to say SAM IS PROBABLY MORE PREPARED THAN ME... and will PROBABLY go thru the process better..... LOL ..... wow, well I guess I am doing SOMETHING RIGHT!!!!!
you can't help but laugh a little, too..
in a six year old brain.....
a coffin IS a "treasure box" ..... it's big and decorated and nobody opens it!! he also begged and begged for me to take him to the cemetery... so I did.. and I answered ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL those questions, as best I could as well.....

That sums up Sam for a minute.....

GRANDMA Just got out of the Hospital, yesterday afternoon....
her birthday was the day after Sam mans...
well that night...... when mike got up for work at 120 AM...... after he drove off into the darkness...
Grama was up.... I could hear her, so I went downstairs.... she said her hip hurt SOOOO bad, and her knee too...... I said, anything else wrong? "my stomach is real upset"
I said,,, ohhh Noooo... Not on YOUR BIRTHDAY...... it totally bummed me out... even though we DID have a great lil birthday dinner and she requested doing a fish fry,,, so of course that's what we did... My mom cooked it up, it was SOOOO YUMMY.
anyway,,,
she didn't look good... she was doing this belching/burp thing she used to do , before they ever did chemo, when the tumor was pressing on her belly real bad.... she like would belch every 2 minutes... and almost gag or something? I'm not sure... but it sure doesn't SOUND like it FEELS too great, I'll tell ya that much.
so she's sitting there doing that non stop..... and has the heating pad out, and is under a big ol' blanket AND has the heat on 90 .....
finally dawns on me about 530,,, she probably has a fever.... she takes her temp and TELLS ME,, it's 101.... and quickly takes Tylenol... I said, I want you to check AGAIN, in 20 minutes!!!
she said okay (between burps)
well I FELL ASLEEP.... did she wake me? NO of COURSE NOT...
when I got up, my alarm goes off at 645 to get Sam man ready for school..... I had her take it again...... 102....
I said, think you need to go to the hospital??
she says, yeah I was just thinking about that too.... I said well I will give you until I get back from taking Sam to school to "think" about it, and THEN WE ARE GOING...k?
she nodded..... and said, okay.... she didn't put up a fight... that's when I KNEW IT WAS BAD.... I knew she didn't feel well at all..
I called mom for back-up.......
and she was there when I got back from taking Sam to school....
grama is one of those ladies,,, who is PROPER... ALL THE TIME.... ok?
she can't leave the house in PJs... EVER...... it's "not okay" to do so...
get my drift?
well Mom was helping her "get dressed" which was looking like quite the ordeal for grama, cuz she was shivering cold...and sweating, too... I said, they are just gonna put your ass in a GOWN when you get there, where your PJ's !!!!
no no no no no no no ......OOOOOOK I said...... and I went to warm up her car....
As Mom and I are on each side of her, walking across the deck and to the car,,, we are about 3/4 of the way there,
"I gotta sit down Am"
you cannot sit here grama!!!
she says it TWO MORE TIMES... "ohhhh I gotta sit down, Am!!!"
and I grabbed her by the armpits, in case she collapsed, you know.... My mom came real quick behind me, and grama totally looked like she was gonna faint, or pass out, whatever you want to say.
Oh,
thank the good lord we made it to the car.
and then I raced off in my car to the hospital to have someone meet us at the front doors...
I started to cry on my way there..... I was scared, because I didn't know WHAT WAS WRONG.... didn't know if she was in full blown kidney failure, which is what I was expecting/suspecting.... or WHAT the hell was gonna happen.... would we have her for Christmas, afterall?? who knows.... is this gonna be the last time she leaves her house?
are some of the questions that ran thru my racing mind....

We got there........
they start to run their battery of tests..... she still has her "port" from chemo therapy treatments... the doc mentions, she's fighting infection of SOME KIND... 
because of the fever, (which was 103.7 when my mom took it just before we left)
and her white blood cell count is up 25% (she has blood work done every week)
and see,,, to back up a bit... her last chemo treatment was the first week of November... she was due for another ON my birthday, but couldn't get it, her kidney function numbers were damn near kidney FAILURE..... I was just trying to come to terms with facts,, that she may never regain kidney function, that this may be what ultimately takes her life. her "number" was 17 on my birthday... has to be 21 to get treatment, and had been averaging in the 20's... the high 20s.....
guess what?
by the time she left the hospital yesterday.....
THIRTY ONE....
that's right 31...... what a miracle....... I think she WILL get chemo treatment on the fifth of January when she sees the Portland Oncologist again.... barring,,, no other issues of course....
so anyways,
back to the hospital....
the doc is suspicious of her port, thinks there could be infection in or around it, because it hasn't been accessed in nearly 8 weeks... OR it could be the stint in her liver, infected..... Or who knows!!!! but if it's the stint, she'll be going by AMBULANCE to PORTLAND...
well I am happy to report...
she was released after losing her fever for 24 hours... and getting a blood transfusion, steroid shot, ETC....
She was most certainly walking better yesterday than when we brought her... holy shit....
it's so hard to see her in pain.... and unable to walk on her own... she's always been SO TOUGH... so INDEPENDENT.... soooo STRONG... you know? just like my other post...
a SUPER HERO, in my world, absolutely.....
she IS a HERO, and always will be to me...
I just...
I think once she passes.....I KNOW I will "get thru it" yes.... I know it will eventually "be OKAY" again.... but I don't think I'll ever be the same... if that makes sense?
it will be like part of me is missing....
not a big part..... not like an arm or leg..... like a toe, or a finger... or an ear..... where, I will notice EVERY SINGLE DAY...... but I'll be okay.... just not right away...
jeeezuz....
did any of that make sense???
I sure hope so.....
When Sam's therapist was going over some "goals" with me... I said, to prepare him for death of loved ones.... I KNOW he'll be sad, yes... SO WILL I-----.... but.... I don't want it to be TRAGIC..... and of course I don't want him to totally lose it, when I DIE, some day.....
During relapse prevention.....
I was told the only way to prepare for some one's passing, is to spend as much quality time as you can with the person... and really be "present" during that time you DO have with them..... meaning use ALL FIVE of your senses...
you know,, I know it sounds dumb, but it's good advice, to live your life more PRESENT..... instead of when your kid is talking to you,,, thinking about the grocery list or bills the whole time.... engage in the story with him.....
PLAY ALONG with his make believe....... 
You'll be surprised how much fun, just the SMALL... day to day things are,,, 
when you're ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PRESENT...

moving on....... I'm so glad she's better..... I'm so sad she has cancer.... I'm sad she may not be around much longer..... I'm happy that she's fighting.... I'm happy when I hear her say,,, maybe I'll just beat this thing and laugh in all their damn faces!!!
yeahhhhhh
but I do ... I REALLY DO want her to have QUALITY OF LIFE over quantity of life......
I promised her I wouldn't let machines keep her alive.... and I won't.... I wouldn't be able to SEE HER go thru that, either.... and especially how damn independent she is......
I don't want to see her lose that.... one reason I stay with her..... so she can keep her Independence.... the other reasons, are of course the kids make her happy.... and I want Sam to have LOTS of GREAT MEMORIES to look back on... to pull out of his heart when he's sad.....
and last but probably biggest of all...
I haven't been a good person,
at certain points in life... I was a real piece of shit there for a period of time.... I did things, I'd never fathom doing, while SOBER...
part of which, included stealing from my grandma..... a person that would ALWAYS catch me when I fell.... ALWAYS throw me the safety net, before I hit the concrete.... I stole from her, and I couldn't be trusted in her home without supervision....
so,
now... NOW I feel like I am helping make up for those mistakes.... I'm doing anything and everything I can to make her HAPPY and PROUD of me, and make the last few months, or year or WHATEVER it is,,, that she's on this earth, JUST a little better..... like cooking, and cleaning, just being THERE,,,, for her, talking to her, showing her I'm NOT that person anymore.....
which is really important to me.... I think that's one reason I will make it thru the process ahead of me..... because I have learned... well I"M LEARNING COPING SKILLS... and I'm not still using, and I'm not still out being a big piece of shit, that can't be trusted.....
that person wouldn't even recognize me, today....

*****SIGH******* I just love her SOOOOOOOOOOO much......she's my HERO, and she always will be......


Mike & Probation.....
well...... I'm sure only about 10% of you know that they make all sex offenders in Oregon take Polygraph tests, while ON supervision.... AND from that 10% maybe 5% will know they have a polygraph that is even worse than "normal" maintenance ones.. it's called a
FULL DISCLOSURE polygraph...
and it's OVER 200 QUESTIONS in a packet... ALL ABOUT YOUR COMPLETE SEXUAL HISTORY... I mean EACH and EVERY PERSON you EVER,,,, EVER had ANY KIND Of sexual contact with.... making out, feeling up.,,,, 
ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING Bukko....

TWO HUNDRED QUESTIONS... 
yeah, they COVER everything imaginable..... 
OHHH,,,,,,,,,and maintenance polygraphs are $275..... full disclosure,,,, $450.... (what age did you start to masturbate, and why ..... have you ever spanked, choked, slapped, or restrained someone during sex, have you ever used a sex toy, have you ever shaved your pubic area or asked someone else to, have you ever had anal sex, have you ever experimented with animals and sex, have you had sex with a dead body, have you wanted to, what's your biggest fantasy, what's the ONE thing that turns you on the most,,, ETC ETC ETC)

you know how many Christmas presents ($450) that could have bought?
but the GREAT THING IS....
HE PASSED THAT BOOOOASHIT..... !!!!!!!
and NOW he has to write an essay or something,,, 
and then he's moved into ADVANCED treatment.... the LAST STEP...... good for him..... I'm so proud of him, for making something POSITIVE come from something so awful.... so horrible and so fucking UNFAIR.....
I mean, let's get real for a minute...... mike for some reason got the hint this WOMAN (26) was flirting with him... maybe HE IS socially stupid,,, who knows... but for some reason, he did.....
he "made his move" to touch her knee and thigh.... and when his hand got to her upper/inner thigh,,, she pushed it away and said no... and according TO HER STATEMENT ALONE,,,, he stopped and didn't attempt anything afterwards, and didn't say one word the rest of the ride....
okay,
so let's recap....
***60 days in county jail (and probably another 60 days - on sanctions----since release, at least 90 days on GPS from sanctions)
***Forbidden from living at Family home, with wife & child
***Forbidden from ANY CONTACT with 5 yr old son, (took 5 months to get phone contact approved, 10 months for SUPERVISED visits)
***registered sex offender(SO), for life
***3 years of SO Probation.... 
***plus SO treatment..... a weekly group $50 each and every week
****so far, FOUR maintenance polygraphs, and the full disclosure. he's passed all of them.
****$2700.00 court-ordered evaluation, within 45 days of release from county jail. (which he did and had good recommendations, none of which were ever taken seriously)
****PO denied two jobs he had, before the log truck company.
**** isn't allowed at a grocery store, movie theater, restaurant, clothing store, ANYTHING.... he CAN go through drive thrus...
****check in to probation and have "class" each and every week at the $50 costs, if you don't keep up, you're kicked out and then in violation of probation.
**** cannot live with anyone who has minor children, cannot live within 1000' or adjacent to a school, park, daycare, bus stop, or anywhere that children do or may congregate (which includes the one and only homeless shelter here)
**** must get 2 weeks advance notice for dr. appts or anything like that, via "action plan" (written permission and guidelines) which your GROUP gets to "vote" whether you get to do whatever....
**** a 25 page packet of rules & restrictions... one of which states ALL sexual relations must be approved by PO. (we did one, they make you sign a thing about birth control because "its a violation to procreate as a SO on probation")
**** he cannot change diapers, or help with bathing.... at ALL,,, even if I'm right there... (so, just do it, you say??? yeah, well don't forget about the every 60-90 days you have a polygraph!! and the PO can take away any and all privileges over not passing it,,, and seeing your kid(s) is definitely a privilege)
****when I had Sullivan in Portland... he couldn't stay at the hospital w/me. he could be present for the birth and THATS IT, and REQUIRED to be ESCORTED by security TO AND FROM MY ROOM to the parking lot when he got there, and agian when he left..... 
((((like he's gonna rape a kid or something, on his way in???? ))))

Hmmmm
I could probably add more, but I think you get the picture? ( keep in mind,,, his CRIME was touching a women's leg(age 26 @time of incident) , over her clothes, for about 3 minutes, while driving 60mph on the highway)

now...
DONT GET ME WRONG HERE FOLKS..... I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a consequence..... but I have written documents, of Sam asking his preschool teachers, if his DADDY DIED AND NOBODY IS TELLING HIM about it.... because he's just "gone"..... since mike COULD call from county jail...... those first ten months was PURE FUCKING HELL.... with Sam asking EVERY SINGLE DAY..... about his DADDY....
and all the places I wrote to,,,, bawled on the phone to,,, JUST to be ignored......

there's something SERIOUSLY WRONG with this picture....
and now..
now they are prosecuting TEENAGE BOYS,, for CHILD PORN,, for having naked photos of their girlfriends...... that the GIRL SENDS..... CP charges,,, with mandatory minimums of 5, 10 & 15 years...

when are people going to "wise up"??
when there are MORE men on the SO registry than in the "regular" population??

people say sometimes.... yeah, but he TRIED to have an affair... and he worked pretty hard at it...
yes.. yes that's true..

but.... Do YOU think he learned his lesson?
I could be wrong.... but I'd be willing to bet the FARM, if and when a woman or ANYONE even gets remotely flirtatious with him, in the future,,, I see him CALLING IMMEDIATELY or RUNNING to me IMMEDIATELY, and reporting EXACTLY what "happened" or what was said,,, ETC....
I don't know any other man,,,, who has had such harsh consequences for an online cyber sex chat... or anything else... hell there's a few men that have a whole DIFFERENT LIFE, online, and their wife has NO CLUE.... I don't think I'd trade places... this whole thing has taught Mike he CAN tell me his inner most feelings, the uncomfortable ones, and I'm not going to judge him, or think badly of him.... that really brings you closer to another person.... plus it's like were on Mr. Toad's wild ride, thru HELL, or something? and we don't KNOW what's around the NEXT BEND,,,, but we're going for it , anyway.... and we're gonna try like hell to make it!!! to the FINISH LINE...

I still have a LOT of resentment and anger built up.... but Mike... is trying soooooooo hard.... he's supporting the family AND his probation Bullshit, financially..... 150%..... and he goes to work every day by 230/3 in the morning,,, doesn't get done until 330pm sometimes 530pm..... he's trying so hard in "group" (which he hates, and none of the people he goes with have NEAR the type of "crime" as him)
that he's NOW getting ready to move to ADVANCED....
and it's been TWO YEARS..
in TWO YEARS.. NOBODY else in his group has passed all their polygraphs... NOBODY has passed the full disclosure (he asked even)
and yet,
he's moving forward.... I can only imagine how hard that is...

he absolutely wants to go to counseling... even if we do NOT stay together, we are both under the agreement we are still going thru some kind of program to be EFFECTIVE CO PARENTS.... which I think is a great idea....

Ohh.... my whole POINT OF EXPLAINING ALL THAT...
was... okay last summer, Sam wanted to go to the GoKarts, right?
you might remember my post...
well, Mike was forbidden by the PO from going to the one in Long beach WA, because, and I quote...... "I'm uncomfortable with you going out of state"
well guess what.....
he had a action plan last week,,, to drive grama on a trip to see family in central Washington and be gone one maybe two nights.... I told grama, DO NOT get your hopes up... I'm fairly sure, it'll get denied....

IT WAS FUCKIN APPROVED.....

I mean, for THAT MUCH to change... this guy MUST be doing SOMETHING RIGHT.... something!!!
and I'm just proud of him,
because someone else in his position may well have just freaked out and lost it,,, which I believe they'd have every right to do so... I've totally LOST IT a few times...
he took this and made it an OPPORTUNITY to be a better father, and a better MAN... and a very good example for his boys....



Triggers & Bad thoughts

I had a couple really difficult days in the last two weeks or so... not difficult,,, like what I usually write about.... like a bunch of bad LUCK happening? or something....
difficult as in.....
thinking about using... A LOT..... there was about 4 solid days... it's ALLLLLLLL I thought about.... 
morning, noon and night..... 
first it'd start as a trigger,,,, like I want to get high because (insert variety of reasons)
then, I would most certainly, and rather quickly I'd love to add.... talk myself totally down from it, out of it,,, tell myself all the reasons why it wouldn't HELP anything.... even if it DID temporarily make me feel better.... LOL..... very temporary.........
I dunno..
I guess it's stages... stages of recovery..... and I'm definitely in it to WIN IT.... but it's still so freaking hard sometimes....
I'm so lucky to have as many support people as I do... I really am... I feel confident that if I couldn't talk myself down/out of the trigger, I could call someone, and "tell" on myself, and that would help.... It has helped before.... my green monster.... (addict side of my brain) HATES IT WHEN I TELL ON IT....because that makes that green monster lose power... when I'm silent,,,, it's gaining power....
I saw someone "nodding" in town two weeks ago.... that kinda pissed me off, more than anything... LOL.... I was surprised... it used to really make me 'reminise' well.... NOT NO MORE.... thankfully....

Sullivan David
my not so little four month old guy~~~~
he's so funny...
he's SO HAPPY.... and awesome... and CUTTING TEETH ALREADY!!!
he rolls around all over the floor... back and forth, back and forth.. then gets stuck and freaks out... LOL.... Sam is such a good big brother... he WANTS to help, I'd say 70% of the time... that's good... I'll TAKE THAT!!!
I'm absolutely certain..... Sullivan is here, so I wouldn't "lose it" and relapse when I found out grama was sick... when they found the cancer.... when the cancer spread.... when they deemed her terminal..... maybe that's why he IS HERE.. and it's NO ACCIDENT... and maybe that's why he's a damn easy baby comparatively speaking.... LOL.... Sam was definitely high maintenance... I've EARNED SULLIVAN..... believe me.... 
you should SEE Grama light up, when this kid SMILES AT HER... it's so awesome... it's like MAGIC.... magic IS REAL, ya know? it's just different than most people think...
I find comfort,,, knowing that in the future,
I will ALWAYS FIND GRAMA IN SULLIVAN'S EYES... and SMILE... always... that.... .THAT HELPS..... why else would I have gotten pregnant, ON birth control.... AND made it to a full term, HEALTHY BABY BOY.....??? ...... oh.... he's definitely part of a bigger plan.... he's here to keep me straight..... well, that's what I keep telling myself anyway.... whatever works, right????


OKAY IM DONE RAMBLING...
this stuff just gets to my last nerve, once in awhile... I just cannot help it...


ENJOY SOME PHOTOS......

I love each and every one of you that supports me... and my fight to get thru the days, still opiate/heroin FREE.....

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH for being YOU


 














YEP THIS IS ME... these days...... LOL


TRUTH !!!!!!





 this last one...... I DEFINITELY DO!!!!!!













Saturday, November 15, 2014

another year older, another diagnosis, another chapter in "Karma will get you" (I hope so)

ANOTHER year OLDER.......
(monday is my 33rd birthday) more gray hair in the mirror...... more wrinkles on my forehead,,,,, darker circles under my eyes when I don't get enough sleep.....
oh and my MORE important birthday,
 will be coming up again, soon TOO.....
and IF I make it....
 I'll have FOUR FREAKING YEARS....
4 YEARS....
four.......
FOURRRRR years....
why is it STILL so hard?
why is it STILL my first IMPULSE reaction ? ? ?
 you would THINK, after FOUR freaking YEARS,,,,, my brain would learn to redirect, or NOT go that route, or something...
unfortunately,,, it still does...
only difference is NOW... my OTHER coping skills (my new ones) kick in right away,, almost in an auto-pilot, way.....thank GOD for THAT one....
so, as time goes by, I grow both in maturity and age..... LOL..... and for some reason I'm having issues getting rid of the last fifteen pounds of weight gain from the BABY... I'm ready for it to BE GONE... NOW..... but, it's just not happening....... Dr says I need to give myself AT LEAST six months, and it's just barely been three.... so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.... but It sure would be nice, if it WOULD GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!


Mr. Sam man had an evaluation last week.....
Looks like he's getting diagnosed with a sensory disorder, as well as his SEVERE ADHD.... I haven't done nearly as much research on sensory disorders as I have ADD/ADHD, but I'm starting to now... the therapist said, they don't really "do anything" but teach coping skills, how to get the kid to calm themselves down, after an 'episode'
the more I read on it, the more I can definitely see his symptoms... and you know the first time it's mentioned in Sam's file is about 30 months old, just like the "hyper activity" ,,,, so it's probably spot on. . . . Anyway he has another appointment in December, we'll find out more then.

He did so great, at his 2 and half hour evaluation!!!
I was super proud of him.
"what have you learned from you Mom & Dad?"
___about what?
"about life, in general"
___that we don't hurt people and we don't hit people
"that's good... and very important.. can you tell me anything else?"
____If you do hit people, when you are a grown up you will go to jail
"well that's definitely true"
____and that good decisions bring you good n fun things in life and bad decisions bring you not so good things
"very good Sam,,, it sounds like you ask your Mom n Dad a lot of questions, that you spend a lot of time as a family"
____(sighs)...... yeah, we do. . . we eat dinner at five o'clock. . . and I like to snuggle with my daddy when he reads to me, but I have to sit still and not jump around or he stops reading.
"well that seems reasonable..... what else do you like to do with your Mom or Dad"
____reading...... Mom colors with me.... ohhhh and I really like building legos with my Dad.

Later on....
"so what happens when you make a mistake, or as you put it a bad choice?"
____ (... sighs, and rolls his eyes.....)   WELLLL sometimes, I just don't get to get a new toy at my two weeks..... and sometimes, I get a toy taken to toy jail...... and SOMETIMES< I have to go to my room, by MYSELF, until I calm down.

LOL...... doesn't sound like we're doing TOO bad, if you ask me!!!!
I'll keep ya posted, on everything else I find out. . .
so far I've been reading on the add forum, about sensory disorders and how common it is to run hand and hand with ADHD kiddos.
more on sensory disorders
Sam definitely hates tags in his shirts, or anything for that matter....
he will NOT have something tight over his head... I actually CUT 90% of his hooded sweatshirts, so that they don't go tight on his head as he pulls them on,, or he just won't put them on.... he's been like that since he was an INFANT... just FREAKED when anything went tight on his ears/head.... he's always been super sensitive to loud noises,,,, and bright lights.... anything like that , really.... which is why I never "got" why the grocery store was so terrifying...
 until his counselor explained what it's probably like to "be Sam walking in to the store" with all the bright lights, tons of people, noise from the intercom/cash registers/beeper alarms/EVERYTHING , and it's huge, I mean talk about OVERLOAD...
nowadays, I just ask HIM, if he can "handle" a trip to the store... he HAS said before,
"probably not  a great idea today Mom"
LOL... enough said, kiddo!!!!!!!!!
I love him.... SOOOOOOOO MUCH.... I just want him to be happy.... and successful at ANYTHING he puts his mind to.... I don't care what it is.... as long as it makes HIM HAPPY... I'm happy.
can we really ask for anything, more? as parents?


still dealing with the super-shitty FRIEND, problem....
only it's gotten worse... the threats, have gotten worse...
I'd call it EXTORTION, actually.
she's like trying to EXTORT money from me? . . . saying she will call CPS, and mike's PO and all kinds of CRAZY SHIT, if I don't "gimmie my money right now"
Hmmmm
yeah, NOT gonna support your HABIT, k...
Honestly, I have no idea what to do.... I was thinking of contacting mike's PO (she has the same one, what a lovely coincidence) and explaining, BEFORE she says something awful.... she's ALREADY called my Dr., or maybe talked to him in person, and tried getting me kicked out of the program... but since I DONT ABUSE MY MEDS, it didn't work.
maybe that's what made her more pissed?
*****sigh*****
I hate to be a 'nark' and go the PO but I don't really see any other options, at this juncture.. I'm almost positive she's going to do something to ..... retaliate? although, I hate to use that word, because that says I did something to her, or something to piss her off to begin with.. which I DID NOT.
I really am serious,,, she just totally changed personalities.... the dope,, I mean I KNOW the dope does that to you...... but it's just crazy, obviously she views me as a push-over or she wouldn't be trying to do what she is..... Honestly, the devil on my shoulder wants to drive right over there and beat the dog shit out of her. BUTTTTTTTTT I can't do that. . . . if she shows up AT MY HOUSE, though.......??? .............. ha ha ha I'm thinking I'd have a better chance at getting away with it....
I'd like to punch her right in the nose,
watch her land on the asphalt and say,,,
WHAT WAS THAT???
what are YOU GONNA DO NOW???
it's nice to day dream...... I decided long ago, that black & white stripes just "don't look good" on me , though....


Birthday Weekend Getaway.......
we went to Chinook Winds Casino Friday night... and stayed OVERNIGHT.... in the Casino Hotel.. in a  "jr suite" right on the ocean...
it was beautiful.... and awesome..... and I had a really nice time.....
you know what the nicest thing was?

eating dinner, at a TABLE,,,, in an ESTABLISHMENT,,,,, with my HUSBAND......
(and he even had permission)
FIRST TIME IN 22 months....
yep...
and WHY he had permission, is pretty simple.... because nobody under 21 is allowed in the place... he still wasn't permitted to gamble or go in the bar or anything... good thing I don't care about the bar, and he got to watch me bet all night, so I was fine with that!!!!
This morning,
we went for yet ANOTHER MEAL,,, in PUBLIC.... at a  TABLE..... for the breakfast buffet
it was GREAT while it lasted...
my bestest buddy,, took the kids overnight for us... her and her husband (they are newlyweds, !)
have 3 children, between the two of them.. PLUS our two, made FIVE KIDDOS.... lol
brave souls,, I KNOW!!!!!
Her and her hubby are "set up" as temporary guardians, too.... for my boys, just IN CASE of any type of emergency... I don't have to worry about them going to the state or anything like that. it's already in place and IN WRITING, and on the RECORD.... thankfully.
Anyway,,
Sam had a great time... I was so thankful, to them, her for taking the kids.... we really needed it.... just the BREAK from the kids, was great.
my awesome neighbors, took them until she got off work... and then Nana & Papa had them for awhile this afternoon,,, until we got back into town...

 it REALLY does TAKE A VILLAGE you know.....


Sullivan had his 3 mo check up!!!
he's 16 pounds, 3 ounces and 26'' LONG...
a moose?
YES... a TANK?
yes...
doesn't miss the dinner bell?? YOU BET YOUR ASS HE DOESN'T...
He got FOUR SHOTS, too.... right in his upper thighs, of course.... and I Vividly remember Sam's first round... his little body turned purple, he cried so hard and loud..... I am pretty sure it took 20 minutes before he stopped screaming......
Mr. Sully???
he.... on the other hand,,, cried during the "pokes" and his head did turn three shades of red....
but as soon as I picked him up and patted his back a few times, he was all done with the crying... he did however, continue to give me dirty looks for 20 minutes or so....
LOL
yes, the stink eye from my 3 month old baby.....


well..... short and sweet tonight..... that's about all I got for now..... I'm tired, since I didn't get a WHOLE lot of sleep last night.....(it was so worth it though)
so, as always THANKS for the support...
I LOVE YOU ALL,,,, all of you who support me... whether I barely know you, or know pretty much everything.... I have love for you, in my heart.

Until next update,,,,,, remember...... treat others how you want to be treated.... always..... even if they don't share that moral with you.....

it's just the right thing to do....

Peace & Love to you and your loved ones.











Sunday, November 2, 2014

stuff I left out, from last week.... (forever imprinted) O Shit!!!! Moments


 well for the sake of...... "get to the point already, Amber......."
I left a few things out of my recent post.....
they weren't important, or news of any kind, but I sure don't understand how I get myself wrapped into these precarious situations sometimes???

FYI..... I even kept a few of the swear words.(less than 5)... so you've been warned !


Thoughts today On shitty friends......
I guess I just expect people to do their best, and NOT hurt others, on purpose, you know, act like a DECENT HUMAN BEING...... and what I'm a little SLOW to learn, is ,,,,,,
thats just NOT how some people are!!!!!

first of all....
a while ago,,,, I wrote about a close friend, having an "incident" and basically it resulted in his demise...... (he passed away).....
  link to post about his death, scroll to last section
... and I can't remember if I mentioned, his wife...???
well,,,
she just didn't go away....... like AT ALL...... after he died...... and at first, I felt bad, yes... I sure did.... but after weeks and weeks of hearing her tell EVERYONE and ANYONE that'd listen,,,,, how sad and suicidal she is, because she just lost her husband...... that's right..... 3& 4 months later, shes still saying JUST lost him....... Oh, and I should also mention, collecting (trying to) money for his very needed burial and funeral...... which she still hasn't had...... unless she HAS in the last 2-3 weeks, and I just don't know because I'm not talking to her, now.... or again..... well, probably again, eventually but only to "keep the peace"
she's shown me her true colors,
and reminded me that it is SOOOOOO FREAKIN HARD to make "FRIENDS" as you age....
guess that's why you're supposed to do it , young........
LOL
I thought she was..... but friends, don't name call , and degrade, accuse, lie, manipulate each other when they have a shitty day,,,, or even get mad over something stupid....... I'm nowhere near exhaggerating, and REALLY want to give more details, but I just can't because I didn't ask her permission, and I'm NOT calling her, to do so..........  (any one I talk about in a post, I've asked permission first)
I'm almost ashamed to admit,
that she hurt my feelings, and made me REALLY UPSET at I guess what became my "breaking point"....... I'm NOT ashamed, because I know it's okay to feel my feelings no matter what they happen to be, , , and that's life without my #1 coping tool...... and THATS what I want to continue, so guess what, I'm gonna have uncomfortable feelings, too......
anyway,
Here I am, now..... Guard all up again, , , built a wall around my heart, again...... cuz I'm not letting anyone hurt me, you know..... (,my grand master plan, anyway)
I hate that I started to CARE so much,
it hurt when she "flipped"
she started using, again.... and I swear turned into a different person, overnight........ demanding money, and/or valuable items. . . . . . with an "or else" to top it off,,,,, because you have a whole lot more to lose in your life than I do"
as a cherry on top.....
so,
that was her "chapter" I guess,

and I'm TURNING THE FUCKIN PAGE...... 

like I should have months ago, as MORE than one friend, and family member mentioned I SHOULD do....
another shiny example of why I do not get along with other women, as a general rule....

I hope I'm not alone, in this "making friends" isn't easy, experience.... I don't even know how I could make it easier..... LOL

a fender bender......
O SHIT, I said,,
, as I STRRRRRRRRRRRETCH into the back seat, trying to find his "mouth" with a bottle, blindly......
and he is ***SCREAMING***
that baby is even MORE pissed now that I've had the bottle close to his lips and he can SMELL it, and still DOES NOT HAVE IT............
theres a white Chevy pickup ahead of me,,, two HUGE brand new truck tires, loose in back,,, as I'm thinking,,, if I bought those, I'd tie those suckers IN... they can be a grand a piece!!
I'm approaching a four way stop, it's busier than usual, too.... two rows at least five cars behind me,

BAM,,, kiddo is eating..... I look forward again, JUST IN TIME TO KISS HIS BUMPER.....

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww FUCK man.
he motions for ME to FOLLOW him, NOW.......
okay, yes sir.
I don't see anything on the truck, yet, ..... I can't see a mark, or a dent, scratch, anything...THANK GOD...
my bumper??? well, let's just add that to the laundry list of my "incidents" while using mostly..... and somehow never earned a DUI.....
anyway,
I follow him to where he pulls over...... there's a scuff mark on his bumper, MAYBE the diameter of a baseball.....it's MY tan paint.......
I write down my info, but explain that this will leave me with an AT FAULT WRECK, on my driving record, again...............and I know from experience, they COST A HELL OF A LOT OF $$$$
he's on the phone and not listening.
I ask, who are you calling?
"warrenton P D"
are you serious?
"yes.... I know you can get IN BIG TROUBLE for not reporting this"
I say,,,, ummmmm yeah, when there is DAMAGE to the vehicle.....whoever is NOT at fault... sooooooooooo
"well there's damage"
not more than 1500 or whatever it is!!!! I say, kinda like, W T F is your problem< DUDE
I go sit in the car.... figure I better keep my mouth shut.
two seconds later, because it's four blocks away,,,, warrenton's finest shows up.
Officer says,,,
that where she hit ya?
and points to the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE TRUCK, that I actually hit.....
dude says, no, and wipes the RAIN off the bumper so you can see the paint.
cop says...... yeah, you don't HAVE to report it, unless you do want to file a claim, but it will leave a pretty bad mark on her driving record, I know that"
Im like. WOW.... thanks for saying that.... whew.
this dude,,,,
says he probably is,,, and it's a "company" truck, and he'll have to talk to his boss.

ummmm YEAH, you do that, , , and I actually SAY,,,,,,
"please be sure and tell him I just had a baby, I just had two wrecks drop of my driving record, and I'm really realllllllllllllllllllllllly sorry and will give him a couple hundred bucks, or whatever makes it okay... that I'd much rather do THAT, then go thru the insurance.

he nods okay, and leaves......

I had his info, so when I didn't hear a THING for a week,,,, I texted him.....
***this is amber that hit your truck the other day, and I'm really seriously sorry about that. I just wanted to check in with you and ask if everything is OK
--- I'm getting an estimate on the damage, you should call my dad, and gave the #
***okay, thanks

holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy shit....... WHY ...... WHY do I have to do such STUPID SHIT sometimes?
I was 15 minutes late, picking Sam up to.
he was almost in TEARS, when I got to the school finally..... he thought I forgot about him.....

well,,,,, long story short, after almost two weeks the dad (BOSS!!!)
returns my call,,,,,, says the estimate is $750
I ask if I can make payments..
he didn't really answer, but gave his address.
I haven't been able to send any money yet..... I SHOULD have.. I told him I was going to.......
I have issues, though....... I'm going to send him $200 the day before my birthday.
YAY
happy f****** birthday

If you'd like to send the guy a donation or letter on why it's stupid ,,, or how AWESOME I AM,
the address he gave is
37665 Timber Lane    Astoria, Or  97103

I tried negotiating, but I didn't try really hard.... because of the obvious predicament, I'm in.
the cop ran my ODL, and checked all my info,,, and logged my ODL #, plate , address and cell #.....handed dude a reference number to the information....
 so I can't just disappear, either.....

my............(((long pause)))........REWARDING  son.... and his shenanigans.....
I decided to go shopping,,,, with BOTH kids recently.... LOL... like that's not the norm, or something.... that's how I usually GET to go shopping.... but this time was different because I could tell Sam was emotionally fragile, already.
I asked, if he could handle it, and TRY not to fight with me.... he said, yes he could.

and his nose should have grown!!!!!
because,,, he was terrible from the MOMENT the doors slid open for us...
mom ... mom ... mom..... I want to play the machine, ... mom MOM MOM MOM MOM
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmmmmmmmm
no.
no.
maybe when we're done shopping if YOU ARE GOOD!!!
he collapses to the ground, and wails
like I murdered his Guinea pig while he slept, or something.

CMON SAM LETS GO.
((whining and crying in the background,as I'm walking thru the store, with Sullivan in the cart)))
yes, people stare.
I'm used to that shit by now!!!
I just smile..... if anyone says ANYTHING, I ask if that's an offer to babysit.
they walk away briskly, 90% of the time.
LOL
as the shopping proceeded,,,,, Sam just got more unhappy with me..... he wanted a toy, he wanted to eat candy, he wanted the cereal HE NEVER EATS, and I end up throwing out after a month and half, one bowl gone.
I stick to my guns, I breath deeply, I ignore his comments and crying.... I remind him HE said he could handle it....
he wants in the cart, and back out.... IN and back OUT...... and CRIES EACH TIME when I say, you just got out, or in.... whichever it'd been.
I'm wrapping things up, and now he starts his bullshit, of running ahead of me and hiding and jumping out in front of other people.....
you know, to startle them, or make them laugh.
YEAH.
I'm always scared some person will have a heart condition or something, and Sam JUMPS in front of them and says HI.. I"M SAM.... and Im a lot to handle.
lol
then runs a circle around them, points at me, there's my mom.; she's mad.
BYE
and some poor soul with a bad heart, bites the big one right there in the aisle.

anyway,,,, I'm in the clothes section now,,,, still working on re-stock of my unmentionables, because as anyone whose had a baby knows..... you just have to start over, with the whole drawer AFTER pregnancy & delivery......
Now Sam is clearing off clothes racks.... yes...... throwing all the clothes in the floor like it's hilarious. there's a couple workers that start cleaning up after him..
I YELL at him, to help..... and HELP NOW, you made that mess.
he picks up like ONE thing, and has a shitty grin, the entire time.

next he pushes the racks into the MIDDLE OF THE AISLE..... then hides in the center.
pushes the other racks, into each other or the walls...
and I'm TRYING to redirect, the ENTIRE TIME....
bribes..... candy....... the machine @front of the store.... ANYTHING I can think of...
he keeps doing it....
he stops for thirty seconds, and then just goes for more. and RUNS in between times, so that I can't get ahold of him, as he RACES passed me.
like a pin ball in a pin ball machine.

Pretty soon..... I'm wearing THIN.... my NERVES ARE GONE..... I'm Freaking DONE... over it.
the last straw, was knocking the entire coat rack over onto the floor with a sales person watching.
I was so embarrassed.
and PISSED OFF

I shout,,,,,,, BYE SAM IM LEAVING.............. (cus he's hiding again)
I mean it!!!! as I empty the few items I had in the cart, onto a shelf close by.
he sees me putting the things back, meaning I AM leaving, not going thru the check out even.
he's laughing..

HES LAUGHING....
I proceed to walk away...... all the way outta the clothes section.
all the way to the front of the store.... just before going out the doors, I look back, NO SAM.
oh freaking well.
whos  LAUGHING NOW???????????????

I'm at the car.
phone rings....... it's mike...... I tell him, I left Sam inside fred meyer, I'm in the parking lot having myself a TIME OUT.
he says,
oh no.
he's inside, and your outside?
YEP... Yep... and he was LAUGHING when I walked out!!!

yeah... but amber, you gotta go back in and get him, like now.
Please.

SIGH.... no.... do I HAVE to?...... uhhhh...... I don't want to.......

please, amber... please.

yes of course, I'm almost back to the entry door, again. I'll call you back.

okay. thanks, love you. don't kill him.

bye.

as Sullivan and I walk in,,,,,, and back towards the area I was in..... I figured he'd still be there making a mess....
turns out.... halfway across the store, I see him being led by two workers,,,, I can READ HIS LIPS.. he's saying My Mom left without me
and Looks all sad!!!!!!!!!!

I YELL.... SSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM

the look on his face?
PRICELESSS.

lady says, that your Mom?
he says,
yeah, that's her... she's not happy tho.

COME HERE, NOW..... I told you I was LEAVING the store..... guess you'll believe me next time!!!!
the sales people laughed.... they recognized me, I think..... which is a good thing... this is NOT my "normal" reaction to my son acting out.... not even close......

but guess what?
I'm only human.... I'm definitely NOT the perfect parent.... and I totally "lose my shit" some days.
but, I apologize, don't expect him to forgive me right away, and try and make up for it, pretty quickly.....


My "with drawl baby"
that they were SOOOOOOOO concerned about..... is now...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....

10 weeks old, and JUST UNDER 16 pounds!!!!

more than double, his birth weight...... a MOOSE..... in size 6 mo already.
but.... a very happy,,, healthy moose. and pretty CUTE, if you ask me....

Sam has been so good with him.... I was totally worried for no reason, I think.
he's loving and just wants to help, most of the time....


So Grams had her CT scan last week.....
I guess they couldn't do as much as they had planned though, because her kidney function was too low, so they didn't use the ink/gel stuff, they did one w/o.... which probably won't be as accurate.
My mom's taking her for the results and "next course of action"
with the oncologist, tomorrow....
her "numbers" on her blood work.... think they call it tumor markers.
it's in the 200s.... and she says, it was 3 hundred something after the first couple rounds, MONTHS ago..... so it has dropped quite a lot, since just a few weeks ago it was reading over 1400
she doesn't feel well, tho.
and I can totally see it..... she gets tired so easily...... she feels so inadequate, WANTS to be able to do everything herself.... BY HERSELF..... but she just can't anymore.....
I try to make as many good memories as I possibly can, with her....  she has shared a lot of old stories from her childhood, with me the last couple months..... they are funny, too...... if you imagine 8 kids, and the early 1940s & 50s

I love her so much.
this one is gonna hurt like no other..... and our family dynamic, will change, FOREVER....
I honestly believe, it will never be the same, once she's missing....
she's like the "glue" that keeps some of us talking.... the "calm" that takes over, so one family member doesn't "go trunk monkey" on your ass....

I'm so very lucky, for the privilege of having so much time with such a beautiful human soul.
there's so much to learn from her..... so many obstacles she had to overcome..... overcome and stand victorious over the very reasons she could have given up, and nobody would have blamed her.
but she didn't....
not once....
she fought.... and loved her family....... was a faithful and loving wife the better part of a half century..... and fought harder for the ones she loves/loved....

I asked her the other day,,,, just as I was walking passed , do you need anything?
she points to her lower chest/upper abdomen,
says..... "if you could make this go away, that'd be great"
and smiles.
I said..... Grama, you know, or should know, I'd slay a dragon,
if that's what it took...... anything... I'd do anything to make that come true.

she takes my hand, and says, I know.. I know you would. I love you.

I had to kiss her head, instead of say I love you back, because I had a lump in my throat.
my heart just hurts sometimes, already.


Halloween...... 
is kinda ruined for me, I think..... Until Mike's off probation anyway.
there's so many people who have NO IDEA what they are talking about when they automatically assume, "sex offender" and PEDOPHILE are the same thing....

not even close, people.
there seems to be an over abundance of "fear" driven into parents from the media.... they are the ones that call a 17 yr old, with "nude pics" of his 15 yr old girlfriend, child pornography.....
you blink, and the kid is doing 10-20, will register for life, all for his consensual sexual relationship resulting in a couple nude pics.

would you be "disgusted" by this guy ten years down the road? how about 20 ? when he's forty , and has kids of his own,,,,

 would you be repulsed by looking at him?
because, his while  "crime" will be long gone,

 but his scum-of-the-earth LABEL, is there FOREVER.

just on a side note... if you have EVER watched a lil Internet porn.....
you MAY HAVE VIEWED child pornography...

the law states,,,, that a 16 or 17 year old is  a CHILD....
and you know, even I know, all those free clips online, show ID/proof the "actors" are all OF AGE, right???  so how do YOU KNOW, they are? or aren't?
you don't........ you may have downloaded it YOURSELF......
REMEMBER THAT, next time you warn someone, or look up the sex offender list in your area. Keep in mind how far the courts PUSH, STACK, WORSEN charges, just to ENSURE they will get their plea deal
that is ALWAYS the goal.... get the plea......
you can't tell me you wouldn't SIGN your name, to get out of jail, while they are telling you of the MINIMUM sentence you will do,,,,,, if a trial doesn't exactly go your way........
any logical person, would sign away at guilt, or whatever the case may be, to not do 10, 12, 15 years in prison, or "get released today and start probation"
with your brand new label..... think about THAT....
so wrong..... unjust..........and totally unfair.

well I'm going to bed, now.... Just had to share some of those.... MOMENTS from my life.

still love ALL OF YOU.....
can you do one thing for me, this month??

DONT BE A SHITTY FRIEND!!!!!!!

and that's all I have to say about that.

enjoy some photos....