Saturday, November 16, 2013

past, present and future.....

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Well there’s quite a lot to cover, here……
Things are going well in general.
They weren’t a couple weeks ago, which is why I waited to do an entry.
The most important thing I have to say, is it’s ALL calmed down , now.

ohhhhh another birthday, ALREADY?????
Well just family dinner and a few close friends... I don't want anything big or stressful..... Some people think, what's stressful about someone else throwing YOU a big party??
well when your uncomfortable in social situations like I am,,
it's ALL stressful.....
Anyway,, it will be great just to hang out with the family and my friends for awhile...

++++++Sam man's birthday!!!!
it's coming up!! my baby will be FIVE years old!!
I can't believe it...... but it's happening... so the ATTITUDE.... it's coming for sure...
We went to the ENT specialist a week or so ago, (ears/nose/throat)
he MAY have fluid behind his ears, and since his hearing has been on ongoing issue, he's getting tubes in his ears..... I know, I know... it's ALWAYS scary to have your kid need ANY procedure..
but if it's going to help him be more successful in life,
well I just HAVE to give him the best "shot" I can.... I'm going to have his part on the 7th, since his pre surgery appointment, is on the 4th of December... 
I've already been talking to him about it, and he's already SUPER excited... just like a kid should be for their birthday...

this time of year is HITTING me hard this year.... I mean I'm usually one of the weird ones looking FORWARD to the holidays... this year, it reminds me of all the  BULLSHIT that went on last year, without my knowledge really,, and of course everything else that's come since then...
I wouldn't recognize my life,
a year ago if I had a crystal ball to "peer" into the future.. NO WAY.
I'm a different person, now too... in certain ways.
I definitely have my "guard" up almost always,
not trusting any kind of law enforcement/officer of any kind. UNTIL they show me I should trust them. Life is certainly more challenging, 
but easier in some ways, too.
It's been hard to not get a little depressed though... being sad for a short time, and depressed are two different things to me...
I let myself be "sad" or reminisce BRIEFLY,,,, and then I try to pick myself back up, but it's harder right now than it was let's say a month ago. I think I'm dealing with it all rather well, though.
Sam needs good holiday memories,
and that's what I really need to remember. I know this situation is NOT of my doing, but on the other hand it certainly  NOTHING is his fault, either.  He definitely didn't "pick" his father, I did. So I'm going to make DAMN SURE he does get those warm childhood memories, that every kid needs(and should have)
I keep telling myself,
that 2013 just wasn't "my year" and that 2014 will be a whole BUNCH better... cuz just like when I have a really rough day,, chances are the next day won't be so bad.
You just cannot have two "bad years" in a row ,, can you?
*&^% I hope not!!!!

*****WORK... work at last
I started a new job, temporary of course, last week... thanks to a good friends' significant other.. that sure feels nice... for ONCE I'm the one that "someone knew and called" and didn't miss out on a job because of that... LOL...... actually it's a HUGE RELIEF To be working just a couple weeks, if that's all it turns out to be.. that's fine. We found out mike is Not getting paid for his training time and although he just has the driving test to do,, he won't be making a paycheck until afterwards...
he's still getting paid for the weekend work, but it's nothing close to sustaining one person, let alone three people. So, THANK GOD for a little bit of work.

*****about jail*****
So on Friday the 18th, Mike went to county jail for 13 days.
It was all the WAITING that was the worst.
in my last entry,

It was actually that very day, that I wrote where I got my check from the Concrete company I was working for. That morning I asked Mike to meet me there, next door to the daycare center. That way I could pick him up, after dropping Sam off. I had called the secretary and let her know, he’d be there to get my check, and I’d be picking him up shortly afterwards. what happened in a nutshell, was someone turned him in for being too close to the daycare, either someone driving by, or someone from the daycare itself. It doesn't really matter WHICH, because what's done is definitely done.
Mike's PO called later that day, and questioned him about being AT the daycare. He of course said, no, I stuck up for him too. I explained to her exactly what had gone on, and she got off the phone REAL FAST.
She told Mike they would discuss it on friday at their usual "meeting" time. 
Later in the week, the day before, she called and changed the time from 8 in the morning, to 330 in the afternoon.
Now, I knew from previous friends of mine going out there, that you do NOT want to check in at probation, on friday afternoon, EVER.
But, I didn't want to "jinx" it, and I definitely didn't want Mike to be thinking, he wasn't going to show. So, I took him out there, and when she didn't let me "go back" with him, like I had asked to previously, I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. As a warrenton cop pulled into the parking lot, right next to my car, I got a WORSE feeling yet.
I don't need to give anymore details than that, I guess.
He was taken away, once again, ripped from the fabric of our family, and now from the job he'd JUST gotten, and that I had just spent most of my paycheck, insuring he could keep.
Did the PO care about that? NO... of course not... she rejected two job offers he had previous to that, so why should she care....
Anyway,,,, the only conversation I had with her that day,
was me pleading that two weeks was a LONG time for him to keep a job he'd only been at a few days, that I wasn't working (or getting unemployment) and did she understand HOW BAD that screwed up my financial outlook.... Yeah, she said she has a job to do, and he broke a rule. As always, she just repeats the same answer, over and over.
I realize Mike "broke" a rule... I do.... I didn't know that was one of his rules, didn't realize it at the time, when I asked him to help. We've had the discussion about him needing to remind me, if I ask him to do something that will get him in trouble.
Court wasn't until the 29th of October, and Mike was released the next day, I'm not sure why since the PO wanted him to serve 14 days and no less.
The judge told him, if he is in the courtroom for ANY reason AGAIN, during probation, that she will NOT HESITATE, he's going to prison for his suspended sentence of 27 months. In his paperwork, it says he'll serve it day for day, no "credit" for good time, NO alternative programs, ETC ETC. basically what it says is he'll serve EVERY HOUR of the time. 
I think the almost two weeks he spent in there DID do some good on scaring him. Certainly, I have tried telling him how incredibly close prison time is, and I'm not sure he believed me. Now he does, but maybe this is what it took to get there.

****Mike's Job****
Furthermore, somehow by the grace of God, or I don't KNOW how, he was able to KEEP HIS JOB...... He's got his class A permit now, and is driving log truck.... He is still having someone else ride with him, until he's ready to take his driving test. But the AWESOME thing is, his boss it totally more than willing to help him... with the class A, and with the probation. I had the chance to talk to him the Friday after He was arrested. I assured the man, if he were to wait and give Mike a chance, he wouldn't regret it. Only because I know Mike's always wanted that kind of job, a job driving log trucks, since he got his CDL back in 2003.
Well this whole two week lesson, has certainly made him appreciate the job, he's "gung ho" about going to work. He's even still working on weekends, washing trucks just as he started out.
I'm really glad he's walking with his head UP again. . . It's certainly a welcome change. 

it was great... Sam went trick-or-treating with his little buddy from school, Kyle. 
Over the last couple months, I and Kyle's Mom have figured out, they are in all the same classes, at the daycare center, Head Start, and ESD.  They even get to ride the bus together. Now, that its winter time, grandma and I discussed putting Sam in some swimming lessons. There's a couple different reasons but the biggest being so he can get some of his energy out!! Plus he needs to learn how to swim, so it's perfect. What's more perfect, is Kyle is in the same swimming lessons!!
I will admit it's nice having someone else to visit with, an adult above all else, while Sam is swimming for the half hour he's there. 
Anyway, they both had a great time, and both tired out about the same time. 
The first pumpkin Sam and I carved, rotted within a week, and the second one, we didn't carve until just a few days before Halloween. He was much more involved than last year, of course. It just amazes me how independent he gets, as the days go by.
I really hope and want his future to be bright. The fact that kids can dream BIG, and when they put their mind to it, and have a good "foundation" to make that leap,,, they really CAN do whatever they want to,,,, almost anything IS POSSIBLE,,, if you work hard enough... I think?
I hope so.

***Healthy Families program***
well Mike and I attended a seminar aimed at Fatherhood, and how to be a better father, among other things. It was ALL day, from 9am to 5pm. Thankfully my Mom and Dad watched Sam, so I could go along with Mike. All the information fliers, stated couples (especially separated co-parents) were "encouraged" to attend.
I'm actually glad I went. Mike and at the very least learned some different techniques on communicating effectively. It was really good for both of us, I think.
It certainly felt like Mike hearing that he NEEDS to be there, as a father, and role model for his son, from someone else besides ME, was really a kick in the ass for him.
the last few visits, 
Mike has certainly been much more "in tune" with Sam, and pays attention to his stories,
pretends to be interest, plays along with his imaginary games (restaurant, sword fights, spider man, etc!).... Mike used to read to him every night, and sing him a song as he fell asleep, PRIOR to january. After that well he just plain couldn't see him for months and months. then, Mike kinda was so ashamed or embarrassed, I'm not sure, he just didn't want to "interfere" very much. I'm really glad to see that's changed, I'm even MORE happy that Sam has noticed. to Sam, Mike is his hero, and I'm sorry we are only kids for a SHORT time, so I'd never want to change that for him, or do anything to "spoil" that. I'm positive Samuel will form his own opinions on both his parents eventually...... LOL
and that "view" 
will change drastically when he has KIDS OF HIS OWN........

Well that's about it for this entry...
A good catch-up post this was, I hope.
as always,
thanks to ALL OF YOU that support me, and help me and all the GREAT STUFF you know you do. Even when you don't realize you're doing something great for me, you probably are.
you know, it's been THIRTY MONTHS, TWO DAYS, and going strong (today anyway!)

Thanks for listening to my never-ending pool of thoughts 

here's Sam man and his new adopted kitten.
yep that's ALL WE NEEDED,,,, another mouth to feed!!!
how do you say no, though?
I cant do it!!
NOW I know what my Dad meant when he'd YELL ,,
anytime we saw ANYTHING stray..........
(sorry Dad.... I didn't know!!!!)

 here's Mike and Sam's silly string fight...
priceless memories for both of them.....

Sam man and Me, halloween..........................................................................

 Sam and Kyle, getting candy...
and spooked a bit...
 a zombie and a super hero!!

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