Tuesday, October 15, 2013

29 Months...insignificant??? not a chance

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Well there’s a reason, my last post title said,
“everything’s A-ok, , , for a minute”
Apparently, these days, I can “feel” the next catastrophe coming. I guess I should be able to make sure and deflect whatever I can!!!
Well there really IS a lot to catch up on.
I’ve been in a FUNK lately…..

****TODAY IS 29 whole months****
I've made it through some storms I never saw coming.... things I never imagined I'd have to deal with ..... SOBER..... and "aware" of my feelings.... I mean, who the hell decided feelings and emotions were important????
HA!!!!!!  what a joke...... It's still very uncomfortable, dealing with my feelings sometimes, but I'm getting there,,, I know I'm making progress,,,, and that's what counts!!!!
Doesn't seem like that much time has passed... some days I guess it does feel like a million miles away,,,, definitely feels like a whole OTHER person, other than myself. Today I'm definitely Myself.... Most days, anyway :-)
when I first stop using,
the "lines" were very BLACK & WHITE....
I'd tell myself, NO do NOT stop in the aisle and talk to that person, IF you want to stay clean.... and I'd walk right past them, as they said my name, or whistled, or sometimes even STARTED TALKING..... I changed my phone number, for instance. I cut OFF all communication, every way I could. 
Nowadays,
it's a bit more complex........
I want to HELP OTHERS,,, I want to show someone, the "way" I got better. That you really CAN do it, if you want it bad enough, if you ask enough people for help. In asking for help, I'm meaning "hey I'm (insert # of days clean) today, Isn't that great, or can you believe it, or I just wanted to share, because I'm trying really hard, and its difficult. a person would certainly be AMAZED at how many people give you a POSITIVE response, or even a little bit of strength. I'm not saying every single person you say this too will pat you on that back or buy you an ice cream cone!!
I'm saying the vast majority, WILL though.
And that's what helps. that's what HELPED ME. . . the smallest bit of acceptance, goes a really long way. 
If I'm suddenly around a large number of people. well LARGE to me?? is more than TEN...... ha ha ha
I'm never sure if I still belong HERE or THERE or step back to THEM . And, it’s hard to explain. Maybe sometimes I don't want to give up my "druggie" friends. Some of them I really kinda miss. There's something to be said for someone you KNOW has your back. I'm not talking about when the cops raid the place, and your "friend" is looking at 5-8 years upstate, I'm saying if someone, tried to hurt you or someone close to you, they'd step in the way and pounce. THAT'S having some one's back in "real" life. 
Anyway,,,, my "point" if I had one,
was the lines get more and more faded as time goes on. And I'm not sure what "side" I'm supposed to be on. But, I will give myself a little credit, and say that at least there's more than ONE group, I can stand with.

***about the suboxone***
To be totally honest, 
I thought I'd be off suboxone, by now. I thought I'd have this whole "sober" thing WHIPPED, packaged, and hanging on a shelf in my living room. It confuses the HELL outta me, when someone says the can get "high" or catch a nod, off suboxone. I've already said, many times over, never ONCE, did this happen to me. IF It had, that's all it would've taken for my family to NOT believe, I was being honest about my sobriety. 
In all the reading and asking I've done, it seems to me, people who have NO TOLERANCE to opiates, will get more SICK, than "high" ; like vomit, nausea, sleepiness, etc........  then there's the other peeps that "binge" on it, which is the same thing, letting your tolerance go down, then taking a bunch, etc. 
I cannot go "without" mine, so NO worries there.... I'm just not "me"
in more than one way. Basically, I'm still taking two a day, or 16mg, and I'm really not concerned about tapering anytime soon. Least not til things CALM DOWN again, and for awhile.... Unless of course one day, I just "decide" to , well that could always happen, too.

***Officially UNEMPLOYED***
So the shop CLOSED permanently, on Friday September 20th. Yeah, it was a sad day, for sure. But, I figured something like that was going to happen, sooner or later. 
It was sad loading all my tools I had slowly collected over the two PLUS years I had driven there five days a week. It was sure sad, saying bye to the very place who helped me GET ON MY FEET.  I do believe things happen for a reason, and I do believe when one door closes, another one opens, or sometimes even TWO.....
I was absolutely LOYAL to my boss, and I never would have "quit" so I guess something like the place closing is what would HAVE to happen, for me to move on.  I didn't work the first week after. Then found out my unemployment was being denied, because I was getting partial unemployment while working, the last six months or so. To make a painfully long story short, I "turned down" work offered, even though it was part time, and further away. After the appeal and stuff, I realized I should have reported it like they said, and lost a week or whatever the decision would have been. So, anyway, not getting that. The next job offer I had was for a concrete contractor. Well of course I took it. Ended up working a week for him, and I think we had some communication issues, or something? To be perfectly honest, I dunno if I quit, or got fired , even. . . Oh well , it turned out to be a week's pay, which I got yesterday and payed ONE bill, so off we go again, on the HUNT. . . . . I've applied for quite a few jobs, and even ones that are 50 or so miles away. If I could work something out about working four tens, well that would be damn near perfect. 
the GOOD NEWS IS.....
Mike got a job, with a trucking company. At this very moment, he is only washing trucks on the weekends. (he started last weekend) BUT, the owner offered to help him, or let him get his class A commercial endorsement. He already has the B, and just never got a chance (maybe never took it) to get the next one. So, today I took him and did a few errands getting that in order. Tomorrow he has two more things to do, and he can go back and talk to the owner. I was really proud of him two nights ago, would have been his 2nd day, he told me the owner asked , "have you been in trouble with the law" He answered him fully, completely, and honestly. Apparently, he said he was willing to work around it, willing to work with him and his supervising officer, if he continued to work hard. Now, I'm going to hold my breath, but Mike seems happy, and like he at least has a "chance" in hell.
For his son's sake,
and for his OWN sake,
I hope he can do well, and keep the job. . . He'd be working 14 & 16 hour days, driving. When he told me that, I said yes, but the Money to go WITH that, and look at it this way,,,,,
what an EASY way to get through two more years of this probation!!!
He agreed. . . . . . . . And I said, Time will Tell. . . . I did explain to him, that working equals trying to me, and he'd be alot closer to my "good" side, then he'd been in a very long time, if he were to keep it. . . . So keep your fingers  crossed. He's taking his permit test in the morning.

***Sober & Single  Parenting.....*****
Not the easiest thing in the world.......
but manageable..... MOST of the time....
Let me tell ya, I have MY MOMENTS OF PURE INSANITY.........
pure freaking MELTDOWN.......
But,,, I pull it back together, and keep going..... People say, I don't know how ya do it. I don't know HOW you have so much patience with him. 
Hell,
I don't know either some days!!!!  Oh, that's a joke............ (mostly.)
These days I'm stressing about a JOB..... a hopefully GOOD JOB... would be nice. But not one where I have to do something like pour concrete every single day, in the rain. It's NOT that I'm above that work or ANYTHING like that, DON'T take me wrong,
It's that I feel so much more CAPABLE these days.... I know I'm capable of sooooooo much more. That's a great place to START... and it's even a great place to start for the people that LIKE DOING IT... but it's just not MY PLACE anymore..... at least I don't want it to be....
In all  reality,
if I don't find something soon, I'll have to take ANYTHING I can. So, better not hold my head too high, eh?
Mike working takes off a LITTLE pressure, 
but there's always a fear in the back of my mind 
of him being ripped AWAY at ANY GIVEN MOMENT..... and 
spending TWO PLUS YEARS UPSTATE...
which, he'd have to start the whole probation mess ALL OVER AGAIN.
But that's a harsh reality,
of where he is in life right now, 
and why I have to keep some distance. not to mention the simple fact, we just CANNOT be together, for at least a couple more years.

It upsets me sometimes, how the public, when they
hear "sex offender" they 
AUTOMATICALLY think it's linked to children...... Why do so many people NOT realize, it's not? ? ? ? 
I may never know the answer. And, I'm definitely not saying "all sex offenders have a bad wrap"
I'm saying how much DO YOU trust our judicial system??
do you honestly think, every one's created equal???

Yep.... that's what I thought. 
I'm guilty of those ideals, too. Before all this mess happened. . that's why when some one's getting that LABEL, that you care about, it's so damn scary. Just because someone, makes a mistake, it doesn't make them a bad person.
Shouldn't matter,,,
if the mistake is USING DRUGS,
Driving too fast, Or being flirtatious with someone they didn't "read" right, or even a vengeful person. 
I'm really irritated about......
the state, or county or court system not "caring" about a lot of what's happening. but ESPECIALLY when I ask for marriage/parental counseling, for both Mike and I. They all either ignore me, send me elsewhere, or say "My hands are tied"
Okay, why is that??? I mean, let's face it, they are getting a WHOLE LOT of money, to NOT be able to do anything... but I tell ya what...
If I were there saying something NEGATIVE about "my child's father"
something would be done IMMEDIATELY... I just don't "get" how that helps ANYONE...... So,,,, I guess WHEN we can afford it, we'll go to counseling TOGETHER< and as a FAMILY, too. but we'll be PAYING OUTTA POCKET for it. Which FINE,,, because I think it's THAT much of a priority... If there were such a thing, as a a "mental" emergency counseling office,,,
I'd be there, every day probably.
Just because, this WHOLE MESS< has been almost a year. . and they can say whatever they want to ..... Mike has a CHILD. and that child will NEED HIS FATHER.... it's not like, Mike had nothing to do with him. but I could rant and rave til I'm BLUE... they still don't care... They still "can't do anything" and it really pisses me off sometimes....

Guess I've rambled on enough for one night.......
Hope I said everything I meant to. Couldn't count the number of times I started a post, and deleted it. Think it's just been my mood lately. I'm definitely feeling a little "lost" ....... in ..... translation.....
to be continued.......... promise it won't be so long in-between.......


The twice-weekly visits, are going well.... really good for both of them.....

 Sam got a guinea pig a couple weeks ago.....
thanks to NANA, and a good deal on a "habitat"
(was called a cage in the 80's) from PENNY WISE,, we were able to get it for him... it's been really great for him, he loves her so much!!! And FRITZ doesn't really mind.....