Monday, September 16, 2013

Everything's A-OK... for a minute....

I guess this is my return back to technology...
THANKS ONLY,,, to a very dear friend,,,, (you KNOW who you are!!)
That friend,,, is allowing me to long-term-borrow (lol) a laptop they had around, but weren't using...
MY Laptop, got returned to the place I was making payments...
when you're so behind they tell you, you have to give one of the following "back" or catch up the payments, laptop, washing machine, bed (mattress/boxspring)  yep,,, it's obvious which one I gave up.
NOW I've got another, with NO payments... NICE..... and I hope my friend just landed about a million "good karma" points!!!!
Okay, so there is quite a bit of stuff going on right now with me..
~~~last weekend~~~
I hate being sick!!!!!
ANY kind of sick, SUCKS........ It's also sort of a "trigger" for me, anytime I'm sick, or don't feel well.... Years ago, when I'd be "under the weather" I would just medicate myself until I didn't feel ANYTHING.... and talk about the PERFECT excuse, too. 
The last few days I've had a sore throat, and been kinda achy, all over. With Sam in daycare, and pre-school, it seems like I'm always fighting off something. So, I just thought it was yet another "mild cold"
For the last 27 months,
Anytime I feel like that, I just take motrin and/or tylenol and ignore it. Tell myself, "such is life"
and these are things people all over the planet deal with all the time, without even having motrin and the like.
I drove Grandma to Florence, to attend an informal type memorial for her sister, Millie, who passed away recently.
All morning, I didn't feel "that" bad, just had the sore throat. As the day progressed it got more and more difficult to swallow. This morning when I woke up,,,, I couldn't swallow without so much pain, my eyes watered!!!!
Hadn't eaten since the day before,,,,,,, So I knew THAT was a huge red flag. I just got done at the walk-in clinic, and although the "rapid strep test" was negative,,, the Dr. said it still COULD be strep, or it could be a variety of other things........... I'm not congested or sick really , just a headache, achy muscles and the throat issue. Oh, and there's some kind of spots or film over my tonsils, they are REALLY swollen and bright red....
I started the antibiotics late sunday afternoon,
and by this morning/Monday,,
I'd estimate I'm feeling probably 50% of "normal"  (normal for me!!)
All those "old sayings"
are true...... Like..
old habits die hard,
bad habits are the hardest ones to break,
You get so used to "handling" something a certain way,
it's really a pain in the ass to change your THOUGHT PROCESS.
I'm doing it.... Couple days ago, was TWENTY NINE months for me.
yeah,,, monthly mark, will be 30,, that will be exactly 
TWO AND A HALF YEARS,,,,, with no opiates..... 
No getting high, 2.5 years (almost!!)
My posts here have been so few and far between for a couple months,,
I cannot remember,
If I've said,  I always thought the first few months, maybe the first "year" would/will be the HARDEST, and then once that's over
it's all easy days ahead
I was  WAY OFF........... SURE, the first few months, days, whatever were definitely difficult, but NOW,,,, now they seem difficult in a different way, and "easy" in some ways. 
In those early days, I was still fighting off the sweats, shakes, muscle aches, painful joints, ETC... Not on a daily basis by the time 3 months came, but I'd say on a weekly basis, I would have around two "bad" days. When you're going through that, it's like a constant "reminder" of WHY you don't want to use again. Once all those physical symptoms are gone,,,,, so is the reminder.
the hard part, is NOT listening to my addiction's voice in the back of my head. 
Don't worry,
It's usually not anything I don't dismiss right away... I've done really well in the category of "change thought process" on cravings. Since my relapse prevention therapy,,,, everytime I'd think of using, I would think of ALL the BAD, too. After a couple months of that,
NOW, I think of ALL of it, when the thought crosses my mind.... and I'm telling you, it's not NEARLY as "romantic" as it once was.....
Yes,,, you read that correctly,
out of NOWHERE,,, Mike's probation officer granted visits, after NINE MONTHS,
of NO CONTACT... yep, that's right NINE MONTHS,
and yes, he's a registered sex offender now, but his 'crime' had nothing to do with a child, and I'll say it a million times, he was never even accused of penetration. and for that,
NINE MONTHS,,, he couldn't see OUR four year old son. After being forced to move out, have a whole BUNCH of restrictions, pay THOUSANDS of dollars,
270 days,
without saying "goodnight" or "goodmorning" to his son, whom he used to be involved DAILY with.
does that sound fair?
(end rant)
Moving on,,,
Two weekly visits, two hours each. 
We'll take it!!!!!
let me tell ya... *****huge sigh of relief*****
Maybe things will move in the right direction now?!!! I sure as hell hope so...
I'm meaning with Mike's probation, and him and his son's relationship.
What I think's funny......
how DRASTIC of a change this is, on just the "fly"
the PO was DEAD SET ON NO VISITS,, for the last NINE MONTHS,
and outta the blue, he gets papers last week saying otherwise???
sometimes I wonder, WHO my report got to, and WHO either called or notified that office, something was seriously wrong with this situation.
whoever it was,
There's still nothing new about Sam's hearing......
He went and had a bunch of tests done, the specialist had him "marked" at about 20% loss in the high-pitch range. But, his 'bone' test scores were a little higher. The specialist told me, that's a GOOD thing.
We are supposed to get a referral for I think OHSU, but I'm not positive, and I'm still waiting to hear something, ANYthing. Actually I should probably call them, and figure out what's up.
so I've been fairly happy in general, lately....
lately it seems like I can "see" my marriage from the outside, now. Something I wasn't capable of doing, while entangled in the mess. While I definitely still love him, and probably always will,,, there's a couple of bench-marks he's got to "hit" for me to even try...... And, I'm seeing a therapist for THIS issue too, and that has helped a TON... not only to help me process everything, but to help me figure out what the "next" step is, and how the hell I'm going to get there....
Maybe the most important thing this therapist has helped with, is HOW to be honest with Sam. . . . . Because he doesn't understand, yet. Sam was really starting to interrogate me about a month ago,,, every single night, he'd ask all these difficult questions, "do you still love my Daddy"  "can you let Daddy come home, I promise he'll be good"   Anyway,,, I did the best I could, as I always do, , , After seeing the therapist and discussing the issue again, I took the suggestion of explaining probation to him. So, I did!!!! and guess what?? he hasn't really asked MUCH, since. And, it's been over a month.
is exactly what I think, too. . . . . . . 
he seems like a very happy kiddo these days, I'd like to add.
VERY HAPPY.... means I must be doing SOMETHING right?!!!
that's it for now!!!
While I do not have a crystal ball to tell the future with,,
I should be back to regularly posting again
I'll attach some photos,
and until next time, be SAFE, and HAPPY... 
remember, you never know when the "rug" will be pulled right out from under you,so don't take anything for granted...

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