Monday, September 16, 2013

Everything's A-OK... for a minute....

I guess this is my return back to technology...
THANKS ONLY,,, to a very dear friend,,,, (you KNOW who you are!!)
That friend,,, is allowing me to long-term-borrow (lol) a laptop they had around, but weren't using...
MY Laptop, got returned to the place I was making payments...
when you're so behind they tell you, you have to give one of the following "back" or catch up the payments, laptop, washing machine, bed (mattress/boxspring)  yep,,, it's obvious which one I gave up.
NOW I've got another, with NO payments... NICE..... and I hope my friend just landed about a million "good karma" points!!!!
Okay, so there is quite a bit of stuff going on right now with me..
~~~last weekend~~~
I hate being sick!!!!!
ANY kind of sick, SUCKS........ It's also sort of a "trigger" for me, anytime I'm sick, or don't feel well.... Years ago, when I'd be "under the weather" I would just medicate myself until I didn't feel ANYTHING.... and talk about the PERFECT excuse, too. 
The last few days I've had a sore throat, and been kinda achy, all over. With Sam in daycare, and pre-school, it seems like I'm always fighting off something. So, I just thought it was yet another "mild cold"
For the last 27 months,
Anytime I feel like that, I just take motrin and/or tylenol and ignore it. Tell myself, "such is life"
and these are things people all over the planet deal with all the time, without even having motrin and the like.
I drove Grandma to Florence, to attend an informal type memorial for her sister, Millie, who passed away recently.
All morning, I didn't feel "that" bad, just had the sore throat. As the day progressed it got more and more difficult to swallow. This morning when I woke up,,,, I couldn't swallow without so much pain, my eyes watered!!!!
Hadn't eaten since the day before,,,,,,, So I knew THAT was a huge red flag. I just got done at the walk-in clinic, and although the "rapid strep test" was negative,,, the Dr. said it still COULD be strep, or it could be a variety of other things........... I'm not congested or sick really , just a headache, achy muscles and the throat issue. Oh, and there's some kind of spots or film over my tonsils, they are REALLY swollen and bright red....
I started the antibiotics late sunday afternoon,
and by this morning/Monday,,
I'd estimate I'm feeling probably 50% of "normal"  (normal for me!!)
All those "old sayings"
are true...... Like..
old habits die hard,
bad habits are the hardest ones to break,
You get so used to "handling" something a certain way,
it's really a pain in the ass to change your THOUGHT PROCESS.
I'm doing it.... Couple days ago, was TWENTY NINE months for me.
yeah,,, monthly mark, will be 30,, that will be exactly 
TWO AND A HALF YEARS,,,,, with no opiates..... 
No getting high, 2.5 years (almost!!)
My posts here have been so few and far between for a couple months,,
I cannot remember,
If I've said,  I always thought the first few months, maybe the first "year" would/will be the HARDEST, and then once that's over
it's all easy days ahead
I was  WAY OFF........... SURE, the first few months, days, whatever were definitely difficult, but NOW,,,, now they seem difficult in a different way, and "easy" in some ways. 
In those early days, I was still fighting off the sweats, shakes, muscle aches, painful joints, ETC... Not on a daily basis by the time 3 months came, but I'd say on a weekly basis, I would have around two "bad" days. When you're going through that, it's like a constant "reminder" of WHY you don't want to use again. Once all those physical symptoms are gone,,,,, so is the reminder.
the hard part, is NOT listening to my addiction's voice in the back of my head. 
Don't worry,
It's usually not anything I don't dismiss right away... I've done really well in the category of "change thought process" on cravings. Since my relapse prevention therapy,,,, everytime I'd think of using, I would think of ALL the BAD, too. After a couple months of that,
NOW, I think of ALL of it, when the thought crosses my mind.... and I'm telling you, it's not NEARLY as "romantic" as it once was.....
Yes,,, you read that correctly,
out of NOWHERE,,, Mike's probation officer granted visits, after NINE MONTHS,
of NO CONTACT... yep, that's right NINE MONTHS,
and yes, he's a registered sex offender now, but his 'crime' had nothing to do with a child, and I'll say it a million times, he was never even accused of penetration. and for that,
NINE MONTHS,,, he couldn't see OUR four year old son. After being forced to move out, have a whole BUNCH of restrictions, pay THOUSANDS of dollars,
270 days,
without saying "goodnight" or "goodmorning" to his son, whom he used to be involved DAILY with.
does that sound fair?
(end rant)
Moving on,,,
Two weekly visits, two hours each. 
We'll take it!!!!!
let me tell ya... *****huge sigh of relief*****
Maybe things will move in the right direction now?!!! I sure as hell hope so...
I'm meaning with Mike's probation, and him and his son's relationship.
What I think's funny......
how DRASTIC of a change this is, on just the "fly"
the PO was DEAD SET ON NO VISITS,, for the last NINE MONTHS,
and outta the blue, he gets papers last week saying otherwise???
sometimes I wonder, WHO my report got to, and WHO either called or notified that office, something was seriously wrong with this situation.
whoever it was,
There's still nothing new about Sam's hearing......
He went and had a bunch of tests done, the specialist had him "marked" at about 20% loss in the high-pitch range. But, his 'bone' test scores were a little higher. The specialist told me, that's a GOOD thing.
We are supposed to get a referral for I think OHSU, but I'm not positive, and I'm still waiting to hear something, ANYthing. Actually I should probably call them, and figure out what's up.
so I've been fairly happy in general, lately....
lately it seems like I can "see" my marriage from the outside, now. Something I wasn't capable of doing, while entangled in the mess. While I definitely still love him, and probably always will,,, there's a couple of bench-marks he's got to "hit" for me to even try...... And, I'm seeing a therapist for THIS issue too, and that has helped a TON... not only to help me process everything, but to help me figure out what the "next" step is, and how the hell I'm going to get there....
Maybe the most important thing this therapist has helped with, is HOW to be honest with Sam. . . . . Because he doesn't understand, yet. Sam was really starting to interrogate me about a month ago,,, every single night, he'd ask all these difficult questions, "do you still love my Daddy"  "can you let Daddy come home, I promise he'll be good"   Anyway,,, I did the best I could, as I always do, , , After seeing the therapist and discussing the issue again, I took the suggestion of explaining probation to him. So, I did!!!! and guess what?? he hasn't really asked MUCH, since. And, it's been over a month.
is exactly what I think, too. . . . . . . 
he seems like a very happy kiddo these days, I'd like to add.
VERY HAPPY.... means I must be doing SOMETHING right?!!!
that's it for now!!!
While I do not have a crystal ball to tell the future with,,
I should be back to regularly posting again
I'll attach some photos,
and until next time, be SAFE, and HAPPY... 
remember, you never know when the "rug" will be pulled right out from under you,so don't take anything for granted...

Monday, September 2, 2013

the "catch-up" promised.....

Greetings from my Mom & Dad's house!!!
Sam and I journeyed the four blocks over here so that I could do a REAL entry,,,,, 
get some things off my chest, let Sam man see "Nano and Papa" for a bit, a WIN-WIN all the way around!!!
Yes, Sam pronounces, Na-NO for nana...... Don't know why? But I gave up on correcting him a LONG TIME AGO about it..... Remember,,,
I CHOOSE my "battles" with this kid wisely ;-)
Last night, (saturday night) I went OUT,,,, yes, OUT....... for the second time this year!!!!  WOOO HOOOO for me!!!
seriously though,,,,,
I actually had a "break" from "single-momma-land"
I needed it.... I needed a break from the whining and constant barrage of questions...... Don't get me wrong,,, I wouldn't trade any part of my life today for all the diamonds and gold in the WORLD,,,,
Most parents are BETTER parents, after a break from their children.
Okay, back on topic.......
I screwed around in town most of the day, with friends,
then went home and changed,,,
headed for downtown Seaside, and I really did royally enjoy my day.
I did miss Sam TERRIBLY by the end of the day.... I was actually headed home by 8pm. Think I picked him up right at 8.....
Yes I am a MAJOR party animal 
(ha ha ha ha ha ha)
I didn't wear anything "revealing"
 (I was raised to dress with class and taste)
But,,,, I did thoroughly enjoy being winked at, whistled at, traffic stopping the MOMENT I came to the curb.....and so on....
WOW......All of that,,,,,, Was VERY good for my confidence... Makes me feel beautiful inside & out. I already KNOW I am a great person, internally.
Everything that I've been through since January though,,,,
has taken a huge toll on my self-worth, and how I think of myself (or used to)
as a woman, wife, mother, ETC.....
I can tell you the GOOD NEWS IS.....
I know I'm beautiful inside and OUT, now, I FEEL that way,
and even had the PROOF last night....
It's so incredibly foreign to me... the whole thing--- going out, being in a bar, being ALONE, everything.
I used to be VERY uncomfortable,,,, in general with all of it. 
BUT, I'm happy to report, things are getting easier, and last night,
(my entire day actually)  was FUN....
about Sam man..
Today.....Back to reality, and my newly single Mommy land....
Samuel starts his ESD/Early Intervention classes again next week. He's super excited!!! He's even MORE EXCITED for Head Start to begin!!!
We are actually making a "count down chain" so he can count the days, til they start classes.
He's getting SO BIG!! and soooooo GROWN UP!!!
it's absolutely amazing....
How he's turning into his very OWN person, with his own opinions, thoughts, fears, insecurities..... ETC.
I'm so glad I got sober...... I glance over at him sometimes, and think to myself, I ALMOST missed EVERYTHING........ 
I'm really lucky I made it 
There's no way I would have made it , without the support network I've built, or that's "Gathered" around me.....
and his hearing appointment, is next week, on Wednesday, I'll try and remember to post ANY NEWS we find out. I've been talking to him about it, already... showed him where the place was and all.
The morning I spoke to his teachers at Coreyell's .... I caught a glimpse of him staring down at the floor when I was explaining his hearing test results. I could tell he felt BAD, or like there was something WRONG with HIM....
I took him aside, crouched to his eye level and told him it was NOTHING HE DID or didn't do. that we ARE ALL BORN DIFFERENT, and that's why we have "Mommies" to love US NO MATTER WHAT... ALWAYS....
further more,
I said that's why we are going to see a specialist, to see if we can figure something out, and get you hearing better... He perked right up after that. and the next time I was explaining it to someone else, Sam actually "helped" explain how we're going to see a special dr. and all........ (lol)
about Suboxone----
Now, I cannot remember if I posted on here, that I recently switched to the Generic, pill form???
Let me tell you the price difference.......
10/suboxone strips..   89.00
10/buprenorphine pills.. 37.00
and, Please understand, that my dr. brought up the idea of me switching a long time ago to save money,,,, BUT I was TOO SCARED  to do so.

well that's easy.... if it ain't broke-- don't fix it!!!
if you have a friend or family member or something on this medication,,,
there are a couple differences,,,,
there's Naloxone in the Suboxone strips, it's NOT in the generic.
it supposedly makes it so you can NOT inject the strips. They call it an "abuse deterrent"
the ACTUAL medicine, buprenorphine, is what Keeps your opiate tolerance very high, so that IF you were to relapse, you WOULD NOT DIE..... and you most likely, would NOT FEEL HIGH, at all.....
(those are GOOD things, believe me)
Please do not "judge" others that take this medication. there's so MUCH mis-information out there, it SAD.....
Lots of people think Suboxone/buprenorphine makes the person "high" and blah blah blah.
NO WAY.... the ONLY way I personally have seen someone be "high" off this med is ---- they either have NO opiate tolerance (which means they're not an addict) OR,,,, they do NOT take it daily, like you're supposed to, so they "binge" a dose, and do feel a "mild high"
here's a couple links I personally recommend..
to research yourself........
as of now,,,
I'm sorta "stuck" at 16mg/day.... Yes I was DOWN TO 8mg...
I know, ,  I was REALLY proud of myself.... It just got to hard though
there were WAY TOO MANY troubling thoughts a'brewing.....
the only way I have found to fix that, is to manage cravings and urges as MUCH as I can, by relieving my own stress, and triggers, when my life in
GENERAL is nothing BUT STRESS....
well,,,,, I'm stuck at two doses a day...
I constantly remind myself, there's not MANY people that would be able to walk the path I have the last 8 months, and still be able to look you straight in the EYE, and say, "I've not used any opiates in 29 months"
but I can and do say that.....
So,,,,, baby steps, RIGHT???
(all smiles)
Personal stuff.....
Well I can honestly say,,, I'm happier lately than I have been in A LONG TIME
I get sad sometimes..... And I definitely "mourn" the relationship I thought I shared with Michael. The more space that gets between us, the MORE I realize maybe he's been "done" with our relationship for a long time?
I don't really know for sure.
We have been getting "along" fine. I mean, we talk throughout the week, without arguing. Which is good I guess?!! He's looking for a job, and also has his transfer papers in... a transfer can take UP TO 60 days for a RSO, he has to wait for "reporting instructions" from Washington, before he can actually leave the state of Oregon.
Lately he's said, he wants to "stay" in Clatsop County.... why? I'm not sure. He SAYS, because he thinks it'd be too easy for Sam and I to forget "all about him" if he were hours away.... the thing is,,, he won't be able to SEE Sam at all, if he stays here anyway. So what's the difference,,,, that's kind of how I feel about it. Plus, I think he NEEDS SUPPORT right now, especially from his family...... That's why I think it would be a GREAT thing for him to go be WITH them... But,,, I don't have a crystal ball and I definitely have NO IDEA what the future holds....
Am I ready for divorce? Not quite..... Although I did tell Mike, if he KNOWS he doesn't have the "effort" in him to FIX this relationship, we might as well file now and get it over with.....
He SAYS he's not ready for that..... But,,,, He has to SHOW me alot, before our relationship can go ANY where.... not only that, I've already made the decision, I will not let myself or my son, "be" on Probation, with him. So,,,, I guess he's got three years, to SHOW me the changes.....
The hardest thing for ME....
Is that I KNOW HE'S NOT A BAD GUY.... Okay,, so he might've been a crappy husband the last few months we were together,,,,, doesn't make all the "good years" disappear..... Plus,,, that doesn't make him the anti-christ.....
Only makes him HUMAN and capable of mistakes....
Thing is....... I KNOW he's a good person..... but this "label" He's got..
WOW..... all I can really say...
that's the most difficult thing for me.. it's SO HARD to say anything remotely negative about him,,,, because everyone (or it seems) already thinks the "worst" no matter what.
I'll always have love in my heart for him, no matter what the future holds.
and I hope with ALL MY HEART AND SOUL,,,,, he can dust himself off, put himself back together, not only for HIS SAKE, but for OUR SON's sake as well...
I cannot put into words the absolute RELIEF I felt, when I finally DID convince myself, the consequences of HIS actions/decisions were NOT MINE... They are not MY responsibility, they are NOT MY "problem" to solve.
They COULD have been,,,,,, sure.....
But that's not how this cookie crumbled, 
and this is a ******REGRET FREE ZONE******
So, I'm not "going there" today.
He still goes to weekly group counseling, No polygraph test on the schedule yet, which means NO VISITS WITH SAM anytime in the NEAR FUTURE...
One thing I found out, by sending my "report" everywhere in the state....
the probation officer DOES HAVE THAT MUCH POWER...
and there's not jack shit any one else can do about it....
that's exactly how it is, and its not changing anytime soon...
it's NOT right.... but that's the WAY IT IS...
and I just give up....(on fighting the state,,, especially when Mike's the one that should be fighting instead of me)
Well thanks so much for listening...
I'll try REAL hard to remember, and add a few photos to my post, I'll have to see if I can edit from my phone?!! I don't know if I can...
it was SO NICE of my Neighbor to GIVE me a five gallon bucket of roof coating, AND help coat the roof,
and his Brother, helped too.
I actually didn't have to even get ON the roof at all!!!
they took care of everything,,, I just kept Sam OFF the roof,,,, a chore itself... LOL
And, cleaned up ,,, helped pass stuff up, move ladders, ETC....
So glad it's done, now.... Because I was STRESSED about it!!!!
Oh,,,, one last thing...
My hours got cut at work, the shop's just NOT busy at all.... 
One of the things I couldn't pay was my laptop payment,,,, so I had to return it last Friday... there was only about 4 payments left,,,, (payment every other week) but I was two payments behind, and didn't even have enough to pay that....
I really DO hope Mike can find a job... those "little" things are slowly disappearing .... (Internet, home phone, cable, now the laptop, )
I've definitely made a LOT of sacrifices, but I don't regret anything...
I KNOW who I am these days,
I know EXACTLY what I'm made of...
and holy shit, 
My favorite quote right now,
my Doctor said to me,
months back......................  
******When someone can walk a mile in YOUR SHOES, they can judge YOUR CHOICES... and not until then************

Thank you to everyone that loves and supports me on a daily basis.... NO WAY could I make it "this far" without that.... NO WAY!!!!

have a great week....