Tuesday, July 9, 2013

soul searching.......and what's that??

What exactly do people mean,
When they say,
“looks like you have a lot of soul searching to do”
Does that mean, you have to find yourself, AGAIN??? Or does it mean, make a drastic change of somekind, forever changing your “story”???

I’ve been thinking on this, for like two weeks, now……. And I still don’t know!!!!
maybe, THATS it and you're NOT supposed to "know"
until you've FOUND IT..............  ha ha ha
Well,, that only confuses my thoughts MORE, so I'll move on........
There's NO DOUBT I have alot of decisions to make. Well I guess it's not "many" decisions, it's just a few really HUGE ones...
This is my reason, for not writing the last couple weeks. I wasn't sure what to say. I know what I've been thinking about. But I don't know what my "opinion" is YET.......

Honestly,, if this current situation doesn't change soon, I will have absolutely NO fight left in me, for my marriage. It's a sad thing to admit, after giving basically 10 or 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE to someone. but it's my honest answer.
And, it's NOT because I want to "be" with someone else. That's way far from the truth. I love him, with all of my heart, I know it. Maybe I always will......
My heart is just BROKEN right now. And HE is broken, too. He's not anything like what I remember, or who I fell in love with. I'm not saying I'm "unable" to accept WHO he is now. I think I could, and I think we COULD work through the situation. But right now that's damn near impossible. Not to mention every single day that goes by,,, only more hurt, resentment and anger grow inside me. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle that? or what I'm supposed to do with it?
One thing is for sure,,,
No matter WHAT happens at the "end" I have a lot of healing to do internally.... there's a lot that needs to feel better INSIDE of me, before I can EVER LOVE on the outside, again. Doesn't matter if it's my husband or someone else. My main concern, is keeping myself OFF drugs and on this path of RECOVERY.
For that to continue on strong,
I know all that healing must take place. It's like looking at the damage path of a tornado, first you have to "look around" and ACCEPT what's happened. Then you clean up the MESS that's all over the place. Picking up pieces you can SALVAGE and throwing away what's impossible to save. THEN,, and only then comes the "re-building"
I've only just ACCEPTED the situation, recently.
Not sure if I'd even say that much.... Maybe I have accepted it, though. I do realize there's not one damn thing either of us can do about it. Most days, I can keep a pretty positive attitude about it.
 sometimes the days come, where it's ALL I THINK ABOUT.... I can't get these terrible images out of my head. Court and yellow jumpsuits, chains and the little voice on the phone, "you have a prepaid collect call from an inmate at " or I think about the night the investigator came to the house, and I think over and over about the argument we had. All I can think, is why did he lie to me, and why couldn't I tell??? why didn't I do something MORE??? It just hurts.
You get the idea....
When those days come around, I try and just "sit" with it. I know it's "okay" to FEEL my emotions. And, I know it MUST be "normal" to be saddened by what's happened. Who wouldn't be sad, right?
I'm definitely thankful it's not like that every day. Like I said, it's only once in awhile, maybe once a week? If that...........
work's going well.... I have some actual WORK to do, anyway.
Sure was NICE to have a long weekend.... Sam and I did a lot of fun things together.
I just wanted to write a short and sweet entry about what's UP with me.
I'm still thinking on all of this, and I'll try and write more sooner than two or three weeks....
until next time,,,
enjoy some new pictures!!!!

sam gets to enjoy a bike ride each night, now.... WHEN he's good, or has a good day at school..
whatever works, right???
Fritz LOVES to go, too!!!

                                                        FIREWORKS!!!  or sparklers anyway.... but he had A BLAST!!


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