Monday, July 22, 2013

The most difficult but simplistic answers

Well, you're going to have to bare with me here,,, this is from just my phone!! Due to an extremely delinquent cable/internet bill :-(
Oh well,
If "something" has to go,,, that's my first choice!!
Last night I found a free app for blogger,, so here I am :-)
The internet has only been "off" since last Friday/Saturday early a.m.
So, as I've brought up before,
I sent the packets/reports out over two weeks ago now. Less than a handful of people have even attempted contacting me.....
Remember,, my SON and I have done NOTHING wrong!!!! Yet, it really feels like we are dealing with the consequences just as much ....anyone close to us already knows and sees that for themselves.
No matter how incredibly WRONG it is,,
The probation officer has COMPLETE CONTROL,,,,
Further more,,, answers to NOBODY
Whether you think Mike "deserves" what he's getting or not,,
There is no denying, there's a lot wrong with this situation.
I thought, with ENOUGH EFFORT, time & money, surely we'd find ONE sensible person that agreed with us & the attorney!!?!?!?!
Not a chance
This is "how it is" in Oregon
Ummmm okay,,
plan B ----
Mike getting probation TRANSFERED to Washington, for a variety of reasons :::
He'll have more rights. Not all offenders are "created equal " like here, according to WA state. There is actually a very short list of "guidelines " on the state website. Well short compared to Oregon!!!!
Washington, as long as you're not labeled a "predatory" offender,,, they consider whatever the "recommended treatment" is : as your "sex -offender rehabilitation".
What a novel idea!!!
So the list is pretty damn long of why it makes the most sense.
Regardless of how I currently feel about our marriage, I want Mike to recover from this completely horrific situation.
Before we can even 'talk ' about our relationship, he's got to get OFF SUPERVISION
the more I research,
The more I contemplate -
The more absolute certainty I have,, this is the path of least resistance for him getting through this, and for his son, and myself as well.
What I told him was ---
You've definitely made some mistakes,
Seriously made a mess of our lives,
You've been stripped of all dignity and basic HUMAN RIGHTS.
(Never even accused of sex or touching a child) just wanted to point that out ...
And maybe,
The BEST thing FOR YOU right now is to go be surrounded by your family. So you can feel their support, and in turn,
"Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and fix your mess "
That's my one hundred percent honest feelings.
Don't mistake this decision for me wanting to given up, or be ''done "
That couldn't be further from the truth ...
Now, in all honesty ---
I do need some space right now. And I think both of us having some distance from one another, might be a good thing.
If we "missed " each other, and shared good moments every few months, depending on his actual restrictions, that might be enough for some hurt & anger to subside,,,,
Letting LOVE GROW AGAIN. :-)
It's up to HIM ......
He's asked, how can he convince me to want to stay married, work on our marriage, ETC.
I answered with what I explained above..
so that's it....
That's the plan, it's definitely not an EASY decision, but I don't know what else to do.
I know that there is no way u can deal with this "tornado of bullshit "
He's currently surrounded by
And you're RIGHT,,,,
It makes ZERO SENSE,,,
That he's given the same rules and guidelines as a predatory pedophile.
But that's the EXACT way he's being treated.
Hell -- it's even the counseling program that PO put him in!! Even though, this
Required & ordered a $ 2500.00 evaluation
That recommended "therapy addressing PTSD issues, and individual therapy, working on a better relationship with authority figures "
So remind me again what the reasons are for pedophile counseling??????
Seems like a legitimate question doesn't it?
Well I'm only IGNORED
By every single judicial office & branch in this state ...
Your tax dollars as well as mine, friends!!!
The transfer application goes in next week.
It can take "up to 45 days for an answer "
And I really hope it's the one he needs :-/
I'm completely shocked,
About how one person can have so much power, so much authority,
And nobody to answer to
Especially when you and I --- TAXPAYERS ----
Pay the persons SALARY!!
I'm just speechless over it all.
Never in a million years did I see this coming.
That's all I've got for now.
I'm trying to stay positive,
And think of all the ways this transfer will help Mike, put the pieces back together.
I hope so anyway.
Whatever happens in the future,
No matter what --

I only want him to succeed...
It's just really hard to see that through all the "BROKEN "
Right now.
To be continued .............

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

soul searching.......and what's that??

What exactly do people mean,
When they say,
“looks like you have a lot of soul searching to do”
Does that mean, you have to find yourself, AGAIN??? Or does it mean, make a drastic change of somekind, forever changing your “story”???

I’ve been thinking on this, for like two weeks, now……. And I still don’t know!!!!
maybe, THATS it and you're NOT supposed to "know"
until you've FOUND IT..............  ha ha ha
Well,, that only confuses my thoughts MORE, so I'll move on........
There's NO DOUBT I have alot of decisions to make. Well I guess it's not "many" decisions, it's just a few really HUGE ones...
This is my reason, for not writing the last couple weeks. I wasn't sure what to say. I know what I've been thinking about. But I don't know what my "opinion" is YET.......

Honestly,, if this current situation doesn't change soon, I will have absolutely NO fight left in me, for my marriage. It's a sad thing to admit, after giving basically 10 or 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE to someone. but it's my honest answer.
And, it's NOT because I want to "be" with someone else. That's way far from the truth. I love him, with all of my heart, I know it. Maybe I always will......
My heart is just BROKEN right now. And HE is broken, too. He's not anything like what I remember, or who I fell in love with. I'm not saying I'm "unable" to accept WHO he is now. I think I could, and I think we COULD work through the situation. But right now that's damn near impossible. Not to mention every single day that goes by,,, only more hurt, resentment and anger grow inside me. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle that? or what I'm supposed to do with it?
One thing is for sure,,,
No matter WHAT happens at the "end" I have a lot of healing to do internally.... there's a lot that needs to feel better INSIDE of me, before I can EVER LOVE on the outside, again. Doesn't matter if it's my husband or someone else. My main concern, is keeping myself OFF drugs and on this path of RECOVERY.
For that to continue on strong,
I know all that healing must take place. It's like looking at the damage path of a tornado, first you have to "look around" and ACCEPT what's happened. Then you clean up the MESS that's all over the place. Picking up pieces you can SALVAGE and throwing away what's impossible to save. THEN,, and only then comes the "re-building"
I've only just ACCEPTED the situation, recently.
Not sure if I'd even say that much.... Maybe I have accepted it, though. I do realize there's not one damn thing either of us can do about it. Most days, I can keep a pretty positive attitude about it.
 sometimes the days come, where it's ALL I THINK ABOUT.... I can't get these terrible images out of my head. Court and yellow jumpsuits, chains and the little voice on the phone, "you have a prepaid collect call from an inmate at " or I think about the night the investigator came to the house, and I think over and over about the argument we had. All I can think, is why did he lie to me, and why couldn't I tell??? why didn't I do something MORE??? It just hurts.
You get the idea....
When those days come around, I try and just "sit" with it. I know it's "okay" to FEEL my emotions. And, I know it MUST be "normal" to be saddened by what's happened. Who wouldn't be sad, right?
I'm definitely thankful it's not like that every day. Like I said, it's only once in awhile, maybe once a week? If that...........
work's going well.... I have some actual WORK to do, anyway.
Sure was NICE to have a long weekend.... Sam and I did a lot of fun things together.
I just wanted to write a short and sweet entry about what's UP with me.
I'm still thinking on all of this, and I'll try and write more sooner than two or three weeks....
until next time,,,
enjoy some new pictures!!!!

sam gets to enjoy a bike ride each night, now.... WHEN he's good, or has a good day at school..
whatever works, right???
Fritz LOVES to go, too!!!

                                                        FIREWORKS!!!  or sparklers anyway.... but he had A BLAST!!