Sunday, June 16, 2013

"it's all relative"..Dads, relationships and CHANGE.....


***********THIS ONE,,, Is for MY DAD************
 
I posted on my FB page earlier.......
"Anyone can be a FATHER... but it takes someone special to be a DADDY"
it's the ABSOLUTE TRUTH of the matter...... My Dad,,,, much to many people's surprise, is not my biological father... I didn't understand him very much growing up... and he definitely didn't understand me. But,, I respected him.... I never once told him "your not my dad"
No matter HOW PISSED I WAS.... Because,, you just "don't do that"
He went to work every day to support his Family... He supported ME, and he treated me the same as my brother. Now, that I'm a parent, I understand a LITTLE MORE,
how much of a commitment, and "big freaking deal" that REALLY WAS....... the fact that he helped to raise ANOTHER MAN'S CHILD.........without hesitation.......... And he did it in the good and the bad times... he was there at the games and Christmas programs, and holidays,,, he was there when I had the flu and barfed from one end of our 60 foot long trailer, to the OTHER, trying to get to the toilet....  He crawled down the hall on his hands and knees with a dustpan,,, scooping vomit, at 3am...... vomit, not of "his" child, but someone elses...... No, he might not have done everything perfect, but it was close enough for me,,,,, and far better than MANY OTHERS out there.....
THAT, my friends,,, is a DAD.......... a REAL MAN.......... and nothing less.......
The day I asked my mother, "is Bill my dad?"      she said, "Do you want him to be"        I said, "well if he's my brother's dad, yeah, I want him to be my dad, too...... do you think I could call him dad?"                 She said,,, "you will have to ask him that yourself.  Are you ready to do that"        Ummm, yeah I think so.....I replied....
We walk outside together,,,,, My dad under someone else's car, as usual..... Doing a "sidejob" to bring in extra money............. "Bill, Amber has a question for you, do you have a moment?" My Mother piped off.....
Yeah, one sec, this deep voice says,,, from underneath this greasy old car......... The creeper wheels, tore across the pavement, and I had goosebumps on my arms..... What would he say, I thought... does he WANT me as a kid, I wondered...... Will he be embarrassed I want to call him my dad  I pondered,,, as we stood in the beaming sunshine,,, In Southern California Summer.......
Hey Kiddo, he says...... What's the Question, today???   *****silence*******  filled the air, as I pondered all the questions above, in my head of course.......... My mother, pulls my arm and says, are you going to ask him or do you want to go back inside?
"Uuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  Bill,,,,"
Yes, Amber
"wellllllllll     seeeeeeeee    I was thinking.........................since you live here now....................and I have a brother.........................................welllllllllll      we are kinda like a real family, right............
okay, he says.
welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll   I think we'd really be a family, if I .......................................ummmmmmmm
could call you .......................................my...............................................................dad..........
And I could FEEL THE HEAT ON MY FACE... I knew my face was BRIGHT RED......
He stands to his feet, wiping his hands off with a red grease rag, about the color my face was.....
A low, deep voice says...........well there's a couple of things, we need to agree on before that can happen... do you want to hear what they are?
I thought..... this is actually a POSSIBILITY??????????
YEAH... SURE!!!  I said.
He says,,,, Well ,, One day your going to be curious and your going to want to meet your biological Dad.
"no I won't" I say.
Yeah,,, yeah you will... you don't want to now, and that's okay... you'll grow up one day, and you'll change your mind....... I want you to KNOW ,, that's OKAY.... allright?
"ummmm no I wont I said.... but okay"
he laughs...... and continues................ If your going to call me Dad,,, and you're going to be my daughter, I need you to promise me you will Never, ever Say to me, anything like  'your not my REAL DAD'  no matter how mad you get at me... no matter HOW MUCH you hate my rules.... How does that sound?
"sounds good to me"
okay then,,, he says. that's about it. Just know, that would hurt me so badly, I'm not sure what I might say back to you, and I Just don't want that to happen...................I'm going back to work under the car now, did I answer everything, or do you have more questions?
"I'm good"   as I'm like trying to pull my mother's arm BACK inside to hide......
LOL

We didn’t really make a “deal” out of father’s day at our house for obvious reasons….. I hate that things are the WAY they are, but nothing I can do, will change that.
I’m not sure if we’re doing anything later,,,, “as a family” either… Plans seem up in the air today, because Grams and the relatives that are here from outta state, went on one of those train rides down in Garibaldi today….. Yep the ones that are meant for the tourists!!!

He he he he
Grandma said, Do you want to go with us, on the train ride, Sunday??        In my head, I picture the 1-2 hour car ride, there, the 2 hour train ride, with three kids, the drive back, eating out of course,  with MY KID,,, who is a real pain sometimes, in that setting…. And I thought,,,, NOT EXACTLY what I had planned for my day off……. So, I ask, are you going to take Sam with you guys???    Oh, of course she says……

Well, I tried to CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT…… and said , thanks for inviting me but no, I think I’ll stay home and get things done for myself,,,, have SOME TIME TO MYSELF!!!!  Sounds much, much nicer and a PEACEFUL way to spend Sunday……..
Not much has changed, in the last week…..

I've noticed lately,,,

some of my closest relationships with people, both family and friends, , , have become closer than they EVER WERE, even before I started to screw up, years ago.... Before all the lies, and bullshit... So that's pretty FOREIGN and strange to get used to. but a nice feeling overall...to feel "safe" enough to share my REAL, TRUE FEELINGS.... and not have fear of judgement, or rejection.... To feel unconditional LOVE from people who do NOT "have to" love me,, is a REAL GIFT these days............  It makes me REALLY PROUD,,, that I could show that much, drastic improvement,, Not to mention ACTUALLY CHANGE and be "worthy" of that LOVE, and respect.
It's something,,,,,,, You cannot BUY, or BARGAIN out of someone... You have to EARN IT and deserve it, especially after screwing it all up a time or two.
OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been wanting to do this for awhile now.... Would you like to see some BEFORE and AFTER pictures?
SURE YOU WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want to see what MINUS   100 POUNDS looks like???
How about one hundred pounds, PLUS about a $200 a day "habit" ,,, BOTH of those things GONE from one picture to the next................Looking at the SAME SET of pictures???
Allright,,, here ya go!!!!!!!
Honestly... I'm just as AMAZED and shocked,,, as any of you looking at these.. when it happens SLOW like it did for me..... You don't "notice" anything... except that your not getting high anymore, not riding the "dope sick" merry go round, and most of all, IMPROVING your life...........in lots of ways........ OBVIOUSLY.........
hope you can "tell" which ones are the OLD ME,,, and which are from just a few hours ago......
HA HA HA HA     Of course you can.........
Have a great upcoming week...... thanks again, as always to ALL who support me.........
                                              
 
 
Easter, 2010
 
 
       November,   2010   (below)
 
me and grams, Christmas 2011
 
 
 
 
 
 
DRUM ROLLLLLLLLLLL PLEASE................
 

 
 

Little bit different, huh????
have a great week, everyone!!!!!!!!!

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