Monday, June 24, 2013

Help, cuz I'm GIVING UP

I’ve never been more confused in my entire life.
And, I really hope to NEVER be again.
I guess I just don’t understand, how this situation is EVEN POSSIBLE.
Let’s totally disregard “FAIR” for a moment.
We all know  life doesn’t deal a “fair” hand,,, hardly ever. Only once in awhile do you hear about the single mother that wins the lotto, the elderly lonely man, whose long lost love , finally finds him, ETC. These stories are FEW and far between. And these days, when it’s a “post” on FB who knows if it’s even real.
So, disregard Fair, disregard, “crime fits the punishment” that doesn’t happen very often either. 
Even with NOT factoring in ANY of that,,,,,
You would think, with as much tax money as YOU AND I PAY,,,, there would be SOME COMMON SENSE in our SO-Called judicial system, wouldn’t you?
No,
I don’t think so.
 I don’t think there’s ANY HINT of it, anywhere. If there is, I have YET to experience it.
Mike was arrested on January 19th 8:25am. Saturday..
He was released, to a “supervising officer” on February 13th, at 440pm.
It was a Tuesday afternoon. The lawyer which we paid (along with a few relatives) a total of $ 2,650 to date, informed us, he needed to “check in” to the probation office, as soon as humanly possible.
And, he’d now be on sex offender probation, so the Probation Officer would be in charge of any and all stipulations. Okay, fair enough.
Happy to be coming home, right?
WRONG……..
 He did come home, for a week.
Let me back up for a moment. . . . . . .
He gets released from jail, did 31 days In custody, maximum security custody at Clatsop County.
The crime/allegation= feeling/rubbing/touching a 27 year old woman’s leg, from her knee to her crotch. She claims when he got to her crotch area, she pushed his hand away and said “no” and he stopped. . . . . Might as well tell the gory details right?
There it is…
there’s the “worst” it gets…..
 Moving on…..
We drive STRAIGHT out to the Probation Office……
I mean, he’s there at 4:50 pm. He wants to make absolutely sure he’s “following the rules”. I mean, wouldn’t you???   
Okay,,, they don’t do anything except say, your new Probation Officer is (let’s say PIC… she IS the person in CHARGE) and you have an “intake” appointment, next Wednesday at 130pm. Okay, so can I go home? He says. The woman behind the counter says,
well you can speak with our daily officer, about that.
 So this dude comes out from the back, looks at all Mike’s papers, and says, well I don’t see why not, your crime didn’t involve a child, and doesn’t involve sexual penetration. So, I think it’s fine, but You’ll know more at your intake appointment.
CELEBRATIONS begin…..
Our family is back together, FINALLY…..
After the longest Mike’s been away from me, let alone from his son. Before this time, the longest he’d been away from Sam was about 16 hours, working way across the river, and having to stay the night. For me, it was the three days he spent in county back in 2006. We (Sam/I/Mike) did speak, just about every night on the phone. So, we try to live “normally” for a week. We are upfront with the manager of where we live, letting her know EXACTLY what’s going on, even giving her copies of the papers, including the ‘victims words’ and everything. I mean, what I wrote above, is exactly what the “crime” is. The part that complicates things, is even though if you saw her on the street, or talked to her you wouldn’t know it, but she’s “disabled”. Okay, moving on…………………………..
Intake day--------- 
I’m sitting in the car, because we don’t have enough gas for me to go ANYWHERE, and I want to be there to “support” my husband. I even sent a letter in with him, explaining “our” history, in a brief timeline, my  past “issues” and how great of a Father Mike is, and how much I really need his help, after not having it for thirty PLUS days. Well I end up falling asleep in the car, because it’s taking SOOOOO long. Mike comes out, Finally, swinging the passenger door open suddenly, and he’s white as a ghost and says, Amber your not going to BELIEVE this stuff, and she’s coming out to talk to you. I’m like TRYING to wake up still…  Maybe I was still hopeful it was ALL a bad dream?
She comes out, walking about ten feet off the ground. I only say that because by the end of our discussion she makes it PERFECTLY clear, WHO is in charge of His, mine, and OUR LIVES for the next 36 months. She orders him to be moved out by 9pm, I’m sure if you’ve read my blog, you read all about how she didn’t approve of my grandmother’s house, because it’s “across the street from a park” So I won’t explain that all again, I’ll just say we did finally get a judge’s order for it.
She made all these “other” rules too.
 Some are, No going to strip malls, clothing stores, outlet malls, basically ANY store where a child or family would be, without written and direct permission. No grocery stores, between the hours of 9am and 9pm. No going to or going within 100 feet of schools, parks, daycares, ETC…… No restaurants, (a drive thru is ok) No movie theaters, No skating rink, arcade or the “like” where children or families go. Unless written direct permission is granted, in advance.
Really???
Okay………
but she DOES give me the “compromise” that after he completes this
TWO THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED dollar evaluation ( psycho sexual)
AND starts counseling AKA sex offender treatment,
then things will change……..
 He has been granted 60 days to come up with this $ 2500, and get the evaluation done, he cannot even START his “counseling” until it’s done, according to the PIC.  Well I did have a tax return coming, I was going to try and put back into savings, since that’d been completely WIPED OUT…. But I guess we have a new “issue” that needs attention, aka-MONEY….
Mike completes his very expensive evaluation, he completes 30 days of Electronic Monitoring at the price of $60 “set up” fee and $12/per day.
Yep, everything adds up.
Anyway, he does that, his evaluation comes back, with the wrong criminal history the first time, the second time, it’s correct, and he’s graded as “medium/high” risk ONLY because of his childhood, split up parents, drug-addicted parents, abusive step-father, joining the military at 16,
 basically the Dr. (evaluator) says all of this in the last two paragraphs----
 “Mr. Cowans “crime” seems to be out of opportunity and although he needs some social skills, I do not see  Mr. Cowan as ANY kind of threat, please keep in mind his ‘risk assesment’ is almost SOLELY based on things he’s not in control of. On a positive note he scored well on mental aptitude/psychosis exercises and is able to learn and grow from mistakes. His separation from his wife of ten years, and young son is very mentally draining to him. That is  his major source of anxiety at this time. “
Okay, that was in MARCH.
ITS JUNE 25th.
He completed a “initial” polygraph test, the first week of May…
and YES he did PASS it…
 he did pretty well on it actually…
They mostly asked about compliance with Probation rules, etc.
THREE WEEKS LATER…………..
 the PIC says, the tech didn’t ask the questions Correctly or directly enough, for her. So, he’s rescheduled for June 24th, and until then,
 he’s ALLOWED PHONE CALLS WITH SAM…..
Okay,,, the phone contact “allowance” is what’s kept me quiet until NOW….
Because that did help keep my Sanity…..
June 24th………………….
Second, polygraph…..
Mike did well on everything except ONE question…
 it was , have you ever hit your son………………….
He says, he explained to the tech, about disciplining him a few times, for being in and climbing on dangerous things, by swatting his diaper, when he was around two. Then, he barely tapped his mouth one day, when he was three, for spitting on me….
Yeah,, horrible father, I know…
So that’s how the tech asked the question………….Have you ever hit your son, other than the times you explained to me. “no” he says……………….
.after the test, the tech accuses him of Lying. He says, No, I’m telling the truth…….. He waits for PIC…. She does the same thing, and even gets upset with him, saying she’s waiting for the “full results” remember, last time they took THREE WEEKS…..
and when she gets that back,
he’s PROBABLY LOSING PHONE PRIVILEDGES……..
Okay………..
I’ve seriously HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT.
Okay…..
I WANT ONE VALID REASON THEY CANNOT HAVE A SUPERVISED VISIT?
Now, she claims,,,
he’s a DANGER to his son……
 I’m sorry, but let’s NOT FORGET,
he wasn’t arrested or even ACCUSED of sexual conduct, wasn’t arrested or ACCUSED of BEATING CHILDREN,,,abusing CHILDREN….
ANYTHING of that nature…
Or even ME, for that matter….
AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT FINDS THIS STUPID????
Maybe it’s because I’m a FORCED single parent………….
maybe because I get all the questions,
why can’t daddy come home, why can’t I see my daddy, why can’t daddy take me to school anymore………….BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Oh, it gets even BETTER now that he’s six months older….
 He asks me if we’re divorced,
 if his daddy is DEAD,,,,,
oh yeah, all kinds of shit…… I mean, SERIOUSLY…….
I’ve got a ten page letter,,,
I was HOLDING BACK,
until today’s test was over… but I’m sending it, to the “head honcho” there at the Probation Office…. And then I’m sending copies to every single elected office,
in this COUNTY AND STATE….
I’m going to find SOMEONE who thinks this is STUPID………….
the only reason I get from the PIC,,, is the fact that SHE doesn’t have a reason TO trust him, so she doesn’t.
Okay,,,
 so SUPERVISED visit………….what the hell????
Am I just crazy???
For thinking this is wrong??
This cannot be right…
I mean,
it just can’t.
But it is.
So Far,,,
 Nobody cares…..
I wrote a five page letter to Sheriff, Tom Bergin……
.I don’t think he even read the entire thing, I never heard anything back… I did call to make SURE he received it, since I sent one via email and US mail………..
the ‘assistant’ said he did….. okay? So he’s okay with this?
This is how your going to make sure he’s “okay” to be in public??
Let’s remember,,,
AFTER PROBATION,,,
he could live in the grocery store parking lot, IF he wanted……
So what GOOD is all this separation??
Who’s it good FOR??
Who is it rehabilitating?
Your tax dollars at work, my friends…… remember that.
That’s all I have for tonight…
I’m so pissed off, I cannot see straight…
and I may even end up editing this,,,, I don’t kknow……
 I don’t know half of what I’ve said, Im so FREAKING ANGRY………………
But,,,,
somehow,
someway,
I’ve managed to STAY OFF THE DOPE…. Don’t ask me how, cuz right now, I DON”T KNOW.
**************
Before signing off,,, I just have to add a couple more things, I left out.
EVERY WEEK,
on Wednesdays,, Mike goes to group counseling, since he completed his very expensive evaluation.
it's $40 every WEEK.
Yep,,, adds up to 160 per month.
Plus, supervision which is $60/month,
plus the first polygraph we're still paying off, $175
plus, court fine payments,   $60/month.
Why not charge for a
SUPERVISED VISIT????
I'll pay it!!!!!
I mean, who in there "right mind" would want to permanently damage such a relationship?? between father and son, when nowadays, it's hard to find a WILLING FATHER, to begin with.
I mean, what's wrong with this picture?
Sam's okay....
I mean, he's confused.. he'll be even MORE confused, if all of a SUDDEN he
can't even TALK to daddy anymore on the phone.
exactly,
what do these people suggest I say?
he's discovering pieces of Atlantis?
I mean,,, this child's mind,,,
you gotta wonder what's going on in there.
he used to NEVER worry about me coming BACK from anywhere.
i could leave him ANYWHERE.
Now??
well now he's worried I'm going to disappear at the grocery store...
Well, I guess it makes sense, coming from HIS STANDPOINT.
I seem to be the ONLY ONE that gives two shits, about what's going on in HIS LIL HEAD.
I've written to Mike's "therapist"
saying
I want to go to marriage counseling (it's required for his 'treatment' anyway)
and I WANT counseling for my poor confused son.
That was almost TWO MONTHS AGO.
I just have to find SOMEONE in a POSITION OF POWER,
who has some common sense,
or common DECENCY....
I'm not picky at this point, I'll take either one.
are you out there???



Does this family look "abused" to you?
I should add...
Mike asked this PIC about two months ago,,
is there anything more I can do, besides what I'm already doing to you know, speed this process along?
he had it on speaker phone, and she just started going off, about how much WORSE she COULD make things, if she wanted to.
how is that right?
forget, fair..... how is that, "okay"?
he hasn't "re-offended"
One violation, in ANY way, he's got a one way, do not pass "go" non-stop flight to PRISON for no LESS than 27 months... no alternative sanctions, no "time off for good behavior" nothing....
So,, he's been "good" you could say..... anyone that knows ANYTHING about him would say......
here's where it says, "supervising officer or department is in control of all guidelines/requirements/rules while offender is on probation"
here's a blog,,
written by a former, (I think he's not practicing), Criminal Defense attorney..
interesting stuff there...

















Sunday, June 16, 2013

"it's all relative"..Dads, relationships and CHANGE.....


***********THIS ONE,,, Is for MY DAD************
 
I posted on my FB page earlier.......
"Anyone can be a FATHER... but it takes someone special to be a DADDY"
it's the ABSOLUTE TRUTH of the matter...... My Dad,,,, much to many people's surprise, is not my biological father... I didn't understand him very much growing up... and he definitely didn't understand me. But,, I respected him.... I never once told him "your not my dad"
No matter HOW PISSED I WAS.... Because,, you just "don't do that"
He went to work every day to support his Family... He supported ME, and he treated me the same as my brother. Now, that I'm a parent, I understand a LITTLE MORE,
how much of a commitment, and "big freaking deal" that REALLY WAS....... the fact that he helped to raise ANOTHER MAN'S CHILD.........without hesitation.......... And he did it in the good and the bad times... he was there at the games and Christmas programs, and holidays,,, he was there when I had the flu and barfed from one end of our 60 foot long trailer, to the OTHER, trying to get to the toilet....  He crawled down the hall on his hands and knees with a dustpan,,, scooping vomit, at 3am...... vomit, not of "his" child, but someone elses...... No, he might not have done everything perfect, but it was close enough for me,,,,, and far better than MANY OTHERS out there.....
THAT, my friends,,, is a DAD.......... a REAL MAN.......... and nothing less.......
The day I asked my mother, "is Bill my dad?"      she said, "Do you want him to be"        I said, "well if he's my brother's dad, yeah, I want him to be my dad, too...... do you think I could call him dad?"                 She said,,, "you will have to ask him that yourself.  Are you ready to do that"        Ummm, yeah I think so.....I replied....
We walk outside together,,,,, My dad under someone else's car, as usual..... Doing a "sidejob" to bring in extra money............. "Bill, Amber has a question for you, do you have a moment?" My Mother piped off.....
Yeah, one sec, this deep voice says,,, from underneath this greasy old car......... The creeper wheels, tore across the pavement, and I had goosebumps on my arms..... What would he say, I thought... does he WANT me as a kid, I wondered...... Will he be embarrassed I want to call him my dad  I pondered,,, as we stood in the beaming sunshine,,, In Southern California Summer.......
Hey Kiddo, he says...... What's the Question, today???   *****silence*******  filled the air, as I pondered all the questions above, in my head of course.......... My mother, pulls my arm and says, are you going to ask him or do you want to go back inside?
"Uuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  Bill,,,,"
Yes, Amber
"wellllllllll     seeeeeeeee    I was thinking.........................since you live here now....................and I have a brother.........................................welllllllllll      we are kinda like a real family, right............
okay, he says.
welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll   I think we'd really be a family, if I .......................................ummmmmmmm
could call you .......................................my...............................................................dad..........
And I could FEEL THE HEAT ON MY FACE... I knew my face was BRIGHT RED......
He stands to his feet, wiping his hands off with a red grease rag, about the color my face was.....
A low, deep voice says...........well there's a couple of things, we need to agree on before that can happen... do you want to hear what they are?
I thought..... this is actually a POSSIBILITY??????????
YEAH... SURE!!!  I said.
He says,,,, Well ,, One day your going to be curious and your going to want to meet your biological Dad.
"no I won't" I say.
Yeah,,, yeah you will... you don't want to now, and that's okay... you'll grow up one day, and you'll change your mind....... I want you to KNOW ,, that's OKAY.... allright?
"ummmm no I wont I said.... but okay"
he laughs...... and continues................ If your going to call me Dad,,, and you're going to be my daughter, I need you to promise me you will Never, ever Say to me, anything like  'your not my REAL DAD'  no matter how mad you get at me... no matter HOW MUCH you hate my rules.... How does that sound?
"sounds good to me"
okay then,,, he says. that's about it. Just know, that would hurt me so badly, I'm not sure what I might say back to you, and I Just don't want that to happen...................I'm going back to work under the car now, did I answer everything, or do you have more questions?
"I'm good"   as I'm like trying to pull my mother's arm BACK inside to hide......
LOL

We didn’t really make a “deal” out of father’s day at our house for obvious reasons….. I hate that things are the WAY they are, but nothing I can do, will change that.
I’m not sure if we’re doing anything later,,,, “as a family” either… Plans seem up in the air today, because Grams and the relatives that are here from outta state, went on one of those train rides down in Garibaldi today….. Yep the ones that are meant for the tourists!!!

He he he he
Grandma said, Do you want to go with us, on the train ride, Sunday??        In my head, I picture the 1-2 hour car ride, there, the 2 hour train ride, with three kids, the drive back, eating out of course,  with MY KID,,, who is a real pain sometimes, in that setting…. And I thought,,,, NOT EXACTLY what I had planned for my day off……. So, I ask, are you going to take Sam with you guys???    Oh, of course she says……

Well, I tried to CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT…… and said , thanks for inviting me but no, I think I’ll stay home and get things done for myself,,,, have SOME TIME TO MYSELF!!!!  Sounds much, much nicer and a PEACEFUL way to spend Sunday……..
Not much has changed, in the last week…..

I've noticed lately,,,

some of my closest relationships with people, both family and friends, , , have become closer than they EVER WERE, even before I started to screw up, years ago.... Before all the lies, and bullshit... So that's pretty FOREIGN and strange to get used to. but a nice feeling overall...to feel "safe" enough to share my REAL, TRUE FEELINGS.... and not have fear of judgement, or rejection.... To feel unconditional LOVE from people who do NOT "have to" love me,, is a REAL GIFT these days............  It makes me REALLY PROUD,,, that I could show that much, drastic improvement,, Not to mention ACTUALLY CHANGE and be "worthy" of that LOVE, and respect.
It's something,,,,,,, You cannot BUY, or BARGAIN out of someone... You have to EARN IT and deserve it, especially after screwing it all up a time or two.
OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been wanting to do this for awhile now.... Would you like to see some BEFORE and AFTER pictures?
SURE YOU WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want to see what MINUS   100 POUNDS looks like???
How about one hundred pounds, PLUS about a $200 a day "habit" ,,, BOTH of those things GONE from one picture to the next................Looking at the SAME SET of pictures???
Allright,,, here ya go!!!!!!!
Honestly... I'm just as AMAZED and shocked,,, as any of you looking at these.. when it happens SLOW like it did for me..... You don't "notice" anything... except that your not getting high anymore, not riding the "dope sick" merry go round, and most of all, IMPROVING your life...........in lots of ways........ OBVIOUSLY.........
hope you can "tell" which ones are the OLD ME,,, and which are from just a few hours ago......
HA HA HA HA     Of course you can.........
Have a great upcoming week...... thanks again, as always to ALL who support me.........
                                              
 
 
Easter, 2010
 
 
       November,   2010   (below)
 
me and grams, Christmas 2011
 
 
 
 
 
 
DRUM ROLLLLLLLLLLL PLEASE................
 

 
 

Little bit different, huh????
have a great week, everyone!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Music, My Son, and general BS tonight :-)

Another week, has passed……
Things weren't  “so bad” this last week…. 
I’m REALLY HAPPY the dude I work with, changed out my broken-ass stereo, with the NICE one I’ve had in the back of my car for months and months......I needed an adapter, and a new “frame” deal, for it to “sit in” after it’s installed, for a grand total, of $60. So, that’s why I kept putting it off… then this last week, I figured out I’ve now “hit” ONE HUNDRED POUNDS…. That I’ve lost, since April 2011…. CRAZY!!!! Right?
Anyway,
I decided, I wasn’t putting it off ANY MORE… So I sent Mike to get the parts, while I was at work Friday,,,, and Dan changed it out for me….
 It has an “auxillary” plug, so I can plug in my MP3 player, OR my phone,,,, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  SO HAPPY!!!
I don't know WHY music has become SO Important to me, but it really has. I've always LOVED music,,, all kinds of it..... From R&B, reggae, some hip hop/rap (as long as it's not too 'over the line'), New country some OLD stuff like Johnny Cash,             Rock--from EVERY decade,, definitely classic stuff, Kid Rock's first 4-5 albums starting from '00 are my all time favorites,,, &  the list goes ON and ON.... 
At work,
I listen to the radio/music/CDs, ALL DAY LONG..... Recently, I paid for a subscription to "Slacker" radio.. the "premium" one, and let me say it's worth every CENT of $9.99/month!!!!  I used "pandora" before that... but even PAYING for Pandora, you cannot make playlists, or play a song you want to hear
 "on demand"-------
This "spare" stereo I had, came out of an old pickup I paid $200 for, when I was TRYING to get my act together, but the transmission went out, in my car. About the ONLY thing that worked, was that radio.... So when the engine blew up, I left it on the side of the road, but clipped the stereo out before I started walking........The "stock" one that was in my car, up until friday: well the CD player stopped working MONTHS ago, but it had a CD stuck in there, and it WOULD PLAY it every once in awhile. Well that was until about two weeks ago, then it started playing two SECONDS of every other song.... And, you couldn't "see" what station you were on, because the lights were bad, or whatever you want to call it. Your only option was the TWO or three local stations, with the same irritating-ass commercials, and the SAME SONGS, every day. AND,, I swear, they played the Same CD's every day,, just on "shuffle"  I swear I'd hear the same songs, on my drive to work and home.......
My point is.... I'm VERY HAPPY to have a Nice, working stereo.. I may have to add more insurance,  to my car, now............  :-)    (liability only,currently)
******************************************************************************
Sam's outta  preschool now, for the Summer.... 
Except the ESD classes, they are apparently and "all year round" school program. Which is FINE with me. He really has improved in some areas, since starting there. I got to have a good talk with his teacher, one evening last week. She said she thinks he's already "good to go" for the #2 class.... which is in the afternoons, instead of mornings.. Know what THAT means for ME???
NO MORE NAP AT DAYCARE!!!!!
YES!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I've explained, we 'dropped' his nap, MONTHS ago,,, since he'd be UP TIL MIDNIGHT, or later!!!!!
this Momma,, cannot stay up that LATE, and go to work at 7am, TOO.... uggghhhh....
anyway,,
Grams picks him up on Mon/thurs/fri..... around noon,,, right after he eats. So, obviously she doesn't let him take a nap... Well on tues & weds, when he's at the daycare,, according to THEM,,,, it's "state law" they have to provide the kids a rest peroid.. which I do NOT Think that means it "has to be" Dark, and play quiet music in the background!!!  But I digress..... who wouldn't fall asleep, right???
I always try to bribe him to NOT take a nap... but it doesn't work..... tues/weds I give him a small dose of melatonin, to help him get to sleep... if he's NOT out by 830.... When he has NO NAP,, he's OUT by 730...   (yes!!! awesome)
So,, NOW this "new" class,, the 2nd stage,,
is from 1-330....
YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that'll be FANTASTIC..... Wednesdays,, unfortunately will still be a "had a nap" day until he's old enough, not to I guess... I think 5 years old, but Im not sure.
it was a welcome change to have a GOOD report from a teacher....
She said, Sam is a sweet kid, who really tries to please, but gets a little side-tracked,, and might be a little mis-understood, as "defiant"... She doesn't think he's being defiant the majority of the time.. I happen to totally 100% agree with her.. so we get along GREAT......
*****************************************************************************
Unfortunately,
Mike didn't get an opening for the re-test on his birthday last Monday.... (big sad face)
the next one isn't until the VERY end of the month........ so we wait.......... as usual......
Other than that, he's doing very well, with his probation, and getting along with both his therapist and P.O. I try to encourage him, when I can..... but it's hard...... Its hard for me to NOT harbor resentment, for how different things are.. I know I've said that before.. but it's true.... I'm still very much struggling with that.
I know there's NOTHING he can do about it "now"    but that doesn't mean it hurts ANY LESS........ I know he's trying....  So, I am too.
Next month is our ten year marriage anniversary...... ten years!!!!!  We actually started living together, in 2000.... so ,, 13 years...  that's a long damn time........ am I right???
Nobody ever said marriage was easy!!! especially the ones, that last a lifetime.....
*******************************************************************************
A little about Suboxone.... 
I don't think I've written much detail about that subject for awhile......
Well,, about a week and a half ago.... I cannot really remember, exactly how long,, but more than a few days, less than three weeks!!!
I totally ran out of suboxone... and money..... and didn't have any for three and a half days.....
WELL...... This used to happen, ONCE in awhile, when I was taking two (16mg) or three (24mg) each day,,,,  and honestly,, I'd HARDLY NOTICE,,, till day four/five....
This time around?
I NOTICED,, at 24 hours!!!!  
Before what I mean by "hardly notice" is,,, my back would be stiff,,, and muscles a little achy,,,, a little "off" on my mood, but nothing too terrible
Well, right at 24 hours,,, I kinda had the "sweats" and felt really anxious... Not to mention my back hurting.... Knees, too......
Anyway,,,, when I FINALLY got some cash,,,, and got to the pharmacy....... No, it didn't make me "high" 
what a bummer, dude...........
KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay,,, I just felt RELIEF......... from the minor aches/pain, anxiety ,, and MOST OF ALL THE CRAVINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, the cravings is REALLY what this is about.... why is it STILL SO INTENSE??
it's been TWO FREAKING YEARS!!!!!
******deep breath*******
I don't have the answers.... But I do know, staying ON suboxone, is GOOD for my recovery journey....
and I know, each one of "us" recovering addicts, is on our very OWN PATH.... because we all had our very own, unique addictions........ and path to destruction.....
I'm still absolutely TERRIFIED, of mine.... Yep, that big monster, in the back of my mind...... it does 'wake' once in awhile, and catch me off guard, but I know that at least with Suboxone riding 'shotgun' I've got HALF A CHANCE.........
that's about all I have to say, about that I guess.... Anyone out there,, if you are even THINKING of going on suboxone, or you've got a loved one, thinking of it... I will post a couple of links, at the bottom of my post,, Please go and take a look.... What have you got to lose????
I'd recommend to anyone and everyone considering this route,
 to RESEARCH, RESEARCH ,,,,,RESEARCH!!!!!!  (and then do some more!!)
Because knowledge is POWER my friends... 
and your gonna need a whole hell of a lot of that, to have ANY CHANCE at sobriety  :-)
******************************************************************************
well I'm gonna wrap this up for today... Sorry for the "hum-ho" post.. Nothing big to report here..........
 which is a GOOD THING,,,,,, these days.....
I really am so very greatful to have the friends, family and extended family I've been able to EARN BACK again..... I know I don't tell them NEARLY ENOUGH, how much I appreciate them,, Love them, and cherish the fact they've not ONLY forgiven me,
but given me the chance to RE-BUILD the relationship..... Just know,,,, I do appreciate and love every one of you........ I'm so lucky...... for many, many reasons, but that's one of the "big ones"
Goodnight,
as always,,, 
****************"to be continued"************************************
Links for more information on SUBOXONE TREATMENT,,, maintenance
and how to find a doctor in your area......
Scientific explanations/information on how suboxone works, in the brain
http://www.naabt.org/education.cfm

lots of information
http://www.naabt.org

suboxone doctor search tool--  http://www.suboxone.com/patients/opioid_dependence/find_a_doctor.aspx

even more
www.suboxone.com                     




  here's my GRAMS......