Friday, May 31, 2013

Where I'm at right now.........


Good Evening/afternoon/morning!!!!

First, I need to apologize, for not writing much the last month/six weeks….. Honestly,,, It’s too painful, some days. You know, I KNOW in my heart, it’s perfectly normal, to be sad or depressed once in awhile. I just don’t LIKE IT…… therefore, I don’t want to talk about it, I guess…. I mean, I DO talk about it, just not in a public way…… I’m sure most of you, can relate to that. With that said,,, those of you loyal characters, that love me for who I am,,, when you don’t see a post for a week or two,,, DON’T WORRY!!!!  Most likely, I’m fine,,, just trying to “cope” with things, the best way I can…… and SOBERLY, of course….  J 
so,,,, the last two weeks-----------
I already wrote, the "news" about Mike having to RE-take his polygraph test, but for those of you who missed it,,,,, YES< he has to take it again, because the tech didn't ask the questions correctly.... See, they ask a BUNCH of questions about sexual/physical abuse..... for example  "have you physically abused your wife or any other female since your release?"  which, was one of the questions,,,  along with sexual abuse, abuse of your son both physical/sexual,,,, and let's not forget to mention EVERY question is asked three times, to "check" against each other....... WELL he was supposed to ask, "Have you EVER--" instead....... So yep, for that reason alone, he has to take it again... Oh, and the "topper" is,,, The next "date" testing is going on, is Monday the third, which happens to be his birthday.... his PO said, I'm not going to have you take it on your birthday,,,,, and OF COURSE Mike protested,,, because they only do them ONCE A MONTH.......  Well,,,, turns out, that day was "booked"........ there JUST MIGHT be an opening though, he found out JUST YESTERDAY,,,, and he doesn't know for SURE yet, and won't until 930am or so, Monday... the test, if he does GET to take it, will be at ten a.m.   Any of you, who wish to do so, PLEASE be sending good thoughts his way..............   It'd be REALLY GREAT for him and Sam to spend some time together......
Now, on a more positive note,,,,,,,, the PO did decide to APPROVE "phone contact" so,,, YESSSSSSS   at least it's a STEP in the right direction...... a STEP.... and honestly,,, I'm really thinking, she only did THAT, because she probably KNEW I was going to go APESHIT about the re-test..... and the fact that if he does NOT Get "in" Monday,,,, he won't be able to take it, til the 26th or something..... so I'm thinking,
MAYBE BY CHRISTMAS??????? they'll be re-united........   Never saw that coming,,, I mean,,, never saw six months of NO CONTACT with his own kid, from all this..... MESS of a situation.......
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If I could afford the time off from work, I'd go PICKET the CAPITOL IN SALEM,,, about these laws needing to be changed..... I could go on for hours about how much is wrong...... Just think,,,, a 19 or 20 year old, who "moons" someone, out the car window, could and would get this same label, for LIFE, and treated this SAME WAY...... or the 18 year old, with the 16 year old girlfriend.... You wouldn't believe HALF of the stories I've heard............But it happens, every day in this state, country,  
"Our America"     sure isn't the America I thought , growing up..........
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How about a GOOD story????
So,,, Sam's last day of Head Start, was last Thursday.....
These last few months, I can't count the times I tried making it to one school function or another,,, but it just never happened.... Either, too busy at work, an appointment, Mike needing the car,, something ALWAYS came up..... A notice came home with him, that said they were having a "End of year Party" along with a BBQ/Potluck......   The kids would sing a few songs, put on a skit, they'd do a slide show of photos ffrom the school year, and you could get their artwork and projects... I thought PERFECT!!!  I'm MAKING this one!!!!
As the day got closer, I told Sam about it, told him I'd go, and how great it was going to be!!!  Oh I could tell he was DOUBTFUL.....
WELL----  I advised my boss,, what was 'up' about two weeks ahead of time!!! and made DAMN SURE I'd be able to go!!!  That morning,,, Sam was still looking doubtful,,,, and I did show up a few minutes LATE.... because I'm ALWAYS late...  :-0    but, when that kid SAW ME!!!!!!  wow......  made it ALL worth it.... his face LIT UP like fireworks, he YELLED to me,, "Mommy you made it!! you made it to see ME!!!"
They had already started the songs,,,, and he really wasn't "participating" until AFTER he saw me...... but it was awesome....... It took EVERYTHING in my power NOT to cry,,, when I saw his expression....... and I got just about the BIGGEST HUG EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We had hamburgers together, and gathered up all his projects,,,, and it was REALLY SPECIAL...........
He's returning to Head Start next year, since he won't be "5" when the school year begins.... but I think the extra time, will do him well..... Only thing is,, he'll definitely be TOWERING OVER all the kids... Since he already IS, now....... But, oh well, that's the way it goes, I guess.....
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It's hard to not be depressed some days...... I try and "sit" with my feelings, like I'm supposed to, and share them with close friends/family..... Which DOES HELP a little....  I know the emotions I feel, I am FEELING because I gave up the drugs, and this is what "normal" life, is like. Even people who seem to "have it all" get depressed.... Or at least that's what the dr. says!!!
It never lasts TOO terribly long, but it's hard NOT to isolate,,,,, and "hide" and try and not show how I feel.... I'm not sure why I'm still stuck,, with that train of thought, but it happens....  So, to get AWAY from that, I do share how I'm feeling with the people I feel "safe" doing so.....  It's still difficult. I guess I want to be "STRONG"
all the time..... I don't want ANYONE to know, I EVER hurt... or am sad.
CHANGE is not easy,,,,,, but it IS POSSIBLE...... Just remember that!!!  Because If I CAN DO THIS.... anyone can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I've decided,,,
I'm NOT going to "push" myself on the "getting off Suboxone" wagon..... I'll cross that bridge, when I come to it.... So, I'm not going to drop to four mg/day... I'm going to stay RIGHT where I'm at.... (8mg/day)
And, keep taking my ADHD meds, as well...... because WOW that sure helps with my ANXIETY,,, my IMPULSE control, and memory just to name a FEW...
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Today, I saw a guy, I've worked with over the years, off and on. I hadn't seen him in about THREE years.....
And,,, you'd never guess, I actually ran into him, at the Dr.'s office of ALL places, doing the VERY SAME THING,,, I was.... I had NO CLUE the guy was an opiate addict, back in the "day"   and Of course, he didn't KNOW I was, either. he told me he remembers "calling me out" on it,,, but I do NOT remember... I'm not saying he didn't because I "don't recollect" a whole BUNCH from back then...... Anyways,,,, he says, You don't even look like the SAME PERSON!!!
I said,,, WELL IM NOT!!!!
"wow you look so much different with your teeth fixed!! Look at that big ass grin you got!!     ((((long pause))))   wow, you just look so much younger, too!!"
It really made me feel good, to hear that...... then he says, you've lost some weight too, huh?
yeah,, about 94 pounds!!! I'd say I've dropped some......
WOW, he says,,, yeah, you look REALLY GOOD......
well,, it didn't inflate my ego or anything, but it definitely made me feel better about myself, my current situation, ETC....... hes right ,, I'm NOT the same person... but that's a GOOD THING..........
WELL
with that I'm going to say goodnight.
I'm going to post the pictures from the "Party"  even though, those of you on my facebook, have already seen them....  :-)    Sorry,, I can't get enough of that SMILE he's got!!!!
As always,,,
thanks for all the support..... I could NOT be doing this without you......
*****YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE*****

 
 

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