Sunday, May 5, 2013

Normal, maybe??? And a good weekend........



Things feel like they are settling down now.. I don't feel like I'm in a constant state of panic anyways.....
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I recently went almost five days without any suboxone. Not because I planned it or wanted to. Because of financial issues.... the first few days, I didn't notice much of a difference, just a little more pain than usual.....stiff back, achy joints, etc.... nothing too unbearable....
day four was a real bitch, though.......
I didn't feel like I was in opiate with drawl, or anything, I was just depressed and not in any kind of a good mood,,, nowhere near my "normal self"
upon buying two films ,, ($18.79)  and placing one under my tongue,
my spirits lifted, and I felt like myself once again......
High? that's a real big " NO "... far from that...
 Normal? yes, maybe? 
as "normal" as Amber gets, anyway......
I'm still on the Strattera, by the way, and that totally helps with my anxiety level, among other things...... The only real "side effect" I've had is the first few days, an upset stomach.... It's expensive, too. So sometimes I go a week or so without it. Being on these two meds, I think I'm beginning to understand, what "normal" is.... But I'm still not sure... the jury is STILL out on that one... I'll keep ya posted, though  :-)
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Mike was scheduled to take his polygraph test, on May 8th.......
but his probation officer called last monday morning, at 8am on the dot,
and said,,, they had ONE slot "open"
so if he wanted to take it now, he could... she said he certainly didn't have to, because he was scheduled for it next week anyways.
he always puts her on speaker phone, in my presence, so I can know what's going on, same as him.... Well she started to give all these reasons he "wasn't required to come in now" and so on....
Mike kinda interrupted her and said,,,, If this is the "next step" to seeing my son, then I'm on my way NOW.....
We were really busy at the shop, too. But I didn't say much, just wished him good luck, said try not to be nervous ,, (yeah right) and love ya.
he came driving back into work, down the road, 

music blaring, and a big smile on his face, I KNEW it had gone well,
just from the music that I could hear coming from the radio.
That big 'ol smile on his face, that I hadn't seen in MONTHS....
Right at that moment, it felt like the weight of the world came OFF my shoulders. And, he hadn't even spoken two words to me yet....
Well, (he says) I did great,, I PASSED IT, and the guy said,
nobody passes it, the "initial poly"
I replied,,, GREAT JOB ,, I knew you were going to do great, you've done everything by the 'book' lately, and thank God, something has worked the     WAY IT SHOULD..................it's about damn time......
About 20 minutes later,
the probation officer calls again, and says, she'll be having a meeting with his therapist, and they'll come up with a "plan" sometime in the next coming week. she explained that it takes about a week to get the "full write up" of everything, and she'll need that for the meeting.
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Things worked out a little faster than that,,,, because the therapist totally went to "bat" for Mike on there be no need for supervision of visitation. All that will do is make things harder on Me, and the rest of the family. 
Wow....
I guess he really IS trying, in the therapy sessions... I mean, he's GOTTA be doing something right.....
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So, maybe I've accepted this, as my 'new normal'
I've come to terms with this is how things will be, for now, and I just gotta make the best of it. No,  it's not easy.... I definitely try not to think about everything that's happened, I definitely KEEP the stuff that was totally wrong,, IS totally wrong that's going on , OUT OF MY HEAD.....
all that does, is get my blood boiling a little,
makes me want to march right up to the state capitol and protest these stupid ass laws, and this "One size fits all" approach....
i mean, seriously....
we're all grown-ups here.... we ALL make mistakes...... Isn't that a part of BEING a grown up? being able to admit your faults, and try to learn from mistakes???
Well,,,
this whole mess, sure has shown ME the exact opposite... a lifetime label, and jeez, don't even get me started......
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The weekend was great..... Sam had a pool from last (end of) summer, my mom had gotten somewhere.... We brought that home, friday night, and i set it up Saturday, after lunch...
that kid was in that water, alllllll day the rest of the day.....
then on sunday, I was tired of him begging me to get in the pool with him, and splashing me every chance he got,,,,
I let him invite a couple friends over,
and he had himself a mini-pool-party.....
Wow,,, he had so much fun... he was definitely worn out....
by the time he took a bath tonight,
I was washing his hair, and he looked up at me,
with those big blue eyes,
touched my arm and said,
"Mommy, I had SO MUCH FUN with you today"
*****sigh*****
Just about brought a tear to my eye.... he's a happy kid. and really,,, what more could you ask for???
Life is so hard, as it is, so very unfair, and I just don't have the heart to tell him all that crap yet....
I want him to be the happiest kid he can be, for the longest time possible.
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Not sure how school is going right now... from what I 'hear' he does still have rough days.
he's going to the extra classes two days a week, two hours a day.
I've seen some improvement in him listening and things like that. He's still HIMSELF,,, his old stubborn self... NO DOUBTS THERE...
But I have noticed a small difference.
We have a 'home visit' tomorrow, so I'll be getting off early from work to deal with that. And I'll have more of an idea, how things have been the last few weeks.
WELL... that's all I've got for now.
Thanks for reading.....
thanks for all of you, that support me in my daily fight, to keep my sobriety.
I sure couldn't do this, without you.
Here's some pictures from the weekend........
~~~~~~peace out,~~~~~~
~~~~~~for now.....~~~~~~





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