Sunday, May 19, 2013

Mother's Day Weekend, my nervous breakdown and the week after.......


Basically,,,,
 last weekend, Friday the 10th, we found out, there was a warrant issued for Mike…….
 “theft 1” and that’s all we knew, at the time. 
As you can imagine, this is where my stress level, began to rise......
 All I could do, was wonder, what went wrong,,, what kind of 'misunderstanding' it must be, or mistaken identity, it MUST be some kind of mistake..... 
With him having the suspended prison term hanging over his head, he's been terrified of ANYTHING that would revoke his probation..... and I do mean anything.... So I know, if he's scared to go to the grocery store, outside of "allowed hours" to do so,,,, well I just KNOW he's not going to shoplift, or steal anything. Besides that,,,, he's pretty much been able to buy anything he's needed or really wanted since he's been working quite a bit.
After talking to his lawyer,,,,,,
he decided the best thing to do, would be turn himself in, with a GOOD attitude, and wait for court. So, that's exactly what he did. He went in on Saturday morning,,,, I went and saw him Sunday afternoon.
After he turned himself in,,, well THEN we found out, exactly what all this was about.....


 ******Back in 2009,,,, when his hours went down, as they normally would in winter/fall, he was getting partial unemployment benefits..... as all of you already know,
my decision making skills were at their GREATEST, then....
I don't remember the exact reason why,
but he asked me to call in and do the weekly report one Sunday night. . . . Well I did, and I thought up this great plan,,,, to claim way less hours, and get some extra money.
See,,
when you're lost in an addiction, an endless cycle of sick, high, sick, high, ETC.....
you do not care what happens tomorrow,,
you ONLY care about getting money, TODAY.
it's almost like it's impossible, for you to "connect the dots" between, your actions, and what the consequences are.
Anyway,
As I was saying, I thought it was a good idea at that time,,,,, and continued to call in weekly claims, for something like eight months....... I'd take the money off the card, as soon as it was there and not say a word about it.
well, about a year later,(2010)
He was served with papers, to go to a "fraudulent claim interview"
As you can imagine, he was confused....... until I fessed up.
At the interview, 
he told them exactly what happened. They explained to him, if he were to press charges on me, he wouldn't be responsible to pay it back..... Well, he said, whether it's her name or mine I'm still responsible to pay it back.  They never mentioned anything about pressing actual charges, OR I would've made sure I took responsibility at that time.......(well not 'exactly' that time, but you understand, what I mean)
So,,,
Now,,,, I've mentioned this suspended prison term, as part of his probation... it's a "no violation" suspended sentence... meaning, ANY violation, big or small; he's headed up state, and quickly........ Says right on his paperwork "not eligible for alternative sanctions"  
All I could do,,, ALL WEEKEND LONG,,, was stress out about him being GONE for two plus years... seriously,,, that's ALL I could think about. Between, trying to get myself "mentally prepared" and knowing that his probation officer COULD revoke his probation, JUST for the arrest alone,,,, it was I guess what you'd call a nervous breakdown......
Just like I told Mike, Friday night,
EVERY time that I THINK it's getting a little bit better-----
SOMETHING HAPPENS...............and it seems to ALL fall apart, again.... So, that's why I didn't write an entry for last weekend,,, I couldn't even hold myself together long enough to go to the grocery store.....
On a positive note,,, it didn't feel nearly as "devastating" as his arrest in January, but it was every bit as painful/stressful and completely overwhelming.
**************************
I don't know FOR SURE that it was a nervous breakdown,
but it's the closest thing I've ever experienced,,,,, and ever WANT to experience.  I felt just completely overwhelmed with several severe emotions. Mostly guilt, sadness and fear. Not a great combination.....
All in all, I think I did okay, in front of Sam... I did cry alot, but I explained to him I was just sad that Daddy was (still) gone. He understood that completely, or seemed to anyway. He almost looked relieved, to see ME show some kind of sadness, about it. I've told him, how sad I am sometimes to vindicate his feelings, but I wasn't crying at the time. 
All of my emotions kind of "built up" to Sunday afternoon, after I went and saw him. yes, once again in a jumpsuit, behind plate glass.... This time, for something I was completely responsible for. Upon returning home,,,, I could NOT stop crying. It wasn't a histerical cry, or anything like that. It was more like my eyes were a water faucet. A feeling and sensation that I've not felt, in I don't know how long. No matter what I did, it just wouldn't stop.  Certainly,, I didn't want to go ANY where, or talk to ANY one. I don't like showing that I'm "hurt" in any way, ever to begin with. So, for me to hurt THAT much, and for it to be THAT obvious, was painful, in itself. 
****************************
I had ZERO doubts, that he was going to be staying there, UNTIL charges were dismissed, or he was found "not guilty". Or, he was going to be sent up-state somewhere, and I wouldn't be seeing him again, outside of prison walls, for at least two years. 
So, I took a late lunch Monday, and went to the arraignment. I had to pay the lawyer for the court appearance anyway, so might as well go, right....
To my complete and utter shock, (his too) they did release him, on conditional release. Also,,,
apparently, this "case" had been ON the district attorney's desk since May/2012 or maybe even earlier. So, they knew about it, when he was in court, earlier this year.
After all of five minutes inside court, it was over, and so began the wait for his release, and obviously, I took the afternoon off. It would have been NICE to go back to work, but since I knew it was going to be at least an hour,,, by the time I'd drive to work, it'd be time to turn around, and go back. Oh, and to further complicate the day, I remembered Sam and I had his last home visit at 5:30.......
*******************************
After (*only) two more days of agonizing anxiety,,,, he finds out that his probation officer is NOT worried about the arrest, or charges since the "crime" is four years old. Not to mention, the length of time, the case has been pending, in Clatsop County.
That was some GOOD NEWS......  Basically,, even IF he did plead "guilty", it would   NOT revoke his probation, therefore, not imply the suspended term. However, I don't think he should plead guilty, for a variety of reasons, but at the top of that list, is that it would be that much more difficult to get him OFF supervision early........ that being the "main goal" in sight.  
Ultimately,,, that means I'll end up at some point, being charged... Yes, here we have ANOTHER reason I was absolutely overwhelmed emotionally,,,,, alllllllll weekend.
Since Mike's lawyer cannot represent both of us,,,, I spoke to two lawyers over the weekend... Both of them agreed that IF and when I do get charged/arrested, they shouldn't "hold" me, but most likely book & release. They both said, make sure to have alternative plans,,,, JUST in case, but they absolutely couldn't see me "staying" after arraignment............ So, I do have a back-up plan for Sam, and a back-up plan for the first one..... Because when it comes to your CHILD,,,, there's NO such thing, as            "too prepared"
---------------------------------------------
I had already paid the bills, last Friday, and NOT planned on paying the attorney's office. So, to say that this week/upcoming week have been ''rough'' is an understatement.... But it was money well spent, and I am GLAD I/we had it, to pay in the first place. It's just a "plus" the bills are paid, too. 
--------------------------------------------
Mike found out last week also,,,
that even though he PASSED well, on his Polygraph,,,, the Technician didn't ask the "proper" questions, the probation officer WANTED askedlllllllso he has to take it      ALL OVER AGAIN.........
nope,,,, I'm not even kidding...... She DID say that he didn't have to PAY for this one.... well thanks, cuz we haven't even paid for the FIRST one ($275)..........
So, that's coming up towards Mid June.
I really,,,, really HOPE he does JUST as well,,,,, since THIS TIME he shouldn't be nearly as nervous..... Last time, he only knew ten minutes "ahead" of time, too...
since there was a last-minute opening.
**************************************
Five days ago,,,,,,
I surpassed 25 months, sober.......  There's NO bigger sense of accomplishment, for ME, than "making" it YET ANOTHER month, without USING.......
Yes,,,
I'm still on 8mg/day of Suboxone. And that's probably not going to change anytime soon,,,,, There's no way I'm telling you "I'll never" stop taking it,,, but for now I'm under the "don't fix what's not broken" umbrella......
My doctor would 'rather' me be on 12- 16mg, but understands my reasons for being at 8mg, for now........                                                                                                                                           
In the midst of all this newest chaos, I am reminding myself to concentrate on doing ONE Thing, at least for my sobriety/recovery every single day......  I'm making sure not to make that same mistake again, and let it move to the "back burner" and become "not such a big deal" like I did a few months ago....... 
I'm happy to report, too,,,,
that I gave up my "spot" with the Here to Help program,,,, the one I found online, where the Manufacturer of Suboxone, pays for your perscription, for 12 months. See, the way the program works, is each doctor can only have UP TO three patients on it, at one time....... Just for example, when I started, I was on 24mg/day,,,, which equals just OVER   $ 750......(thirty days supply)......... with no insurance.......
But,
how much is your life worth, too, ya know??  
ANYWAY,,,, back to my point,,,
I told my dr. I wasn't going to apply again, since getting down to one film/day, I asked him to let someone, JUST starting out, who REALLY seems like they need treatment, but couldn't otherwise afford it....
He gave the spot to a guy,,, who's come in to see him about five times, over the last six months,,,,, who does well for awhile, but cannot afford a perscription on a regular basis, so he goes back to using...... Although he's tried to use at a "maintenance" dose, and "get by" til he can afford the suboxone again--- we ALL know that's a losing battle... Apparently,,, this guy was approved for the program, and it's been thirty days, now.... and he's got THIRTY DAYS on Suboxone, with NO using, at all... the dr. said that was HUGE for the guy,,,, and he HOPES it continues.... yes, me too, even though I have NO idea who it is..... that's OKAY,,, I just hope he can take advantage of that program, and land back on his "feet" like I did.
************************************
Last weekend, I was definitely at my breaking point..... I guess there really IS only so much one person can take...... 
But,,, I somehow, got through it, and I'm better now.... that much stronger, for the next Fiasco...... I'm really hopeful the "next" one isn't very bad, and is a LONG time away,,,, or AT LEAST a couple months...... (fingers crossed)
I'd like to buy a LOTTO ticket,,, but I don't even have a couple bucks for THAT !!!!!
Oh well,,,,,
that's the way it goes sometimes. 
***********************************
Yesterday,,,,
I got the skirting replaced that blew off the house, last winter.... A few weeks ago, I think a family of raccoons decided, Under MY HOUSE was a good place to LIVE....
They are A LOT louder than you'd think.......
Anyway, got that done, yes in the RAIN, yesterday and last night,,, it was basically QUIET!!!!!!!!!!! 
Which was a nice change.....
On the OTHER hand,,,,,
the Washer is broken.... like for GOOD, I think.... I don't know,,, but I did take it apart yesterday,,all the way...... and I can see where the NOISE was coming from... it's the drum scraping on the bottom of the frame or whatever.......
I thought maybe it was way too out of level.... so I put a NEW piece of plywood,        left-over from working on the outside of the house.... and screwed it down,  PERFECTLY LEVEL................ had that thing within a sixteenth......
Put the washer back together..... and guess what???
YEP,,,
STILL MAKING THE HORRIBLE SOUND.... A sound SO loud,,, the neighbor actually knocked on the door, to "see" what it was, and make sure Sam and I were "okay"
LOL
that's pretty damn loud....   I briefly looked around for a used one, in the paper and on Craigslist,,,, but then my friend told me--- they sell the top-load basic washing machines, at Home Depot for just over  $ 200.....   Well,,,, most GOOD used ones are around $100...........Looks like I'll be buying one..... And even a service call,,, is around $80/hour.... even if all they do is take it apart, to give an "estimate" on what it needs... it's still gonna run you probably a hundred dollars... Might as well buy a new one....
**************
well,,
this turned into a long post..... but I wanted to fully explain last weekend... Especially to those of you,,, who didn't hear from me, that normally would have. Sorry,,, but I just wasn't "dealing" well......
Rest Assured,,,, I do feel better, now though..... One hundred percent, better.... Still a little worried/scared about the future, and any charges I may face. But as someone told me this last week-----
"it takes awhile to wipe the shit off, after crawling outta the dung pile"
I really liked that,,,,,, it really seems that way.........
*************************
Last but not least, I'm posting a few pictures of my Mother's Day gifts from Sam.... I can't even put into words, HOW EXCITED he was to give these to me....
the hand plate, I didn't get until Monday,,,, he forgot it at school.... He and I found the "package" in his cubby, Monday morning when I was dropping him off... It was all wrapped up in tissue paper and ribbon...
He just SQUEALED when he saw it, and says, "mommy, mommy,,, this is your mommys day present, want me to open it?"
I said,,, Let's wait til I pick you up from school, okay? I PROMISE we will open it together... He agreed after a little more convincing.....
Then,
remember that Monday was arraignment day,,, not to mention parent/teacher meeting, so I picked him up early,,, he was excited about that,,,, then asked me "do you LOVE it? are you gonna show everyone?!"   OF COURSE I AM!!!  and OF COURSE I love it!!! I told him it was the MOST special gift I'd ever received.... he  was very proud to hear that....the flower he gave me on Thursday....... they planted them ,, on their field trip to home depot, last month..... I still have to take him to the second hand store, I told him we could go pick out a pot to re-plant it in. Honestly, I've never had much of a "green thumb" but I'm going to try REALLY HARD,,,, to not let this thing die...... LOL  
**************************
 Well the kiddo just woke up,,, so I'm gonna get going... at least all my "chores" are done and we can hang out & relax today.......

as always THANKS for reading, and thanks so much for all of you that support me.......                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


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