Saturday, April 13, 2013

Two years, tomorrow

Here I am. Two years later…………..
It sure hasn’t been an easy road. I’ll never tell anyone it’s “easy” to get anywhere, sober. . . The GOOD news is, it IS entirely POSSIBLE, though. As long as you have some support behind you. . I don't know HOW I could have made it here, without the numerous people in my life now, that are there to just listen, if that's all I need..... And, it's absolutely worth it all the hard work, all the "am I gonna make it?" doubts that go through your mind, millions of times a day. 
 My newest, favorite quote is....
"You've got what it takes,
but it'll take all you've got"
that about sums it up!!! 
In all honesty, I have to admit, I do still fight urges/cravings. It doesn't happen all the time, but it still happens. 
Just like I wrote about in my last entry, it can hit out of nowhere and really take your breath away. It's amazing to me, that THIS MUCH time can go by, and urges to use, can still be that intense. 
Bringing that up, brings me to my next point, that I'm still on Suboxone, I don't really plan on going off it any time in the near future right now. Plans change all the time, and I'm not saying I'm going to be on it forever, but as for right now, I'm not "fixing" what isn't "broken". . 
I'm still taking 8mg/day, but I've split it to four mgs twice a day. So that when I'm ready, I can cut one dose out, and I'm already used to taking a half. that's the "plan" for now, anyway. . . 
One thing I had to do, two weeks ago, was write a list of all the things I've gained, this last two years, and in turn write all the things I'd lose, and in chronological order, if I were to use, again.....

What I've gained                               Order I'd lose what I love
*a job I really like (been there 23 mos)           self-respect/confidence
*my car back                                      my job, then dignity
*driver's license                           Freedom & being independent
*self-respect/confidence/dignity                 custody of my son
*relationships with close family           utilities first(electric/water/etc)
*friendship/companionship                     car/house/roof over my head
*moved up at work/more responsibility     ***everything I've grown to love
*trust from others-- mending the "fact"      my mental/physical wellness
everything that came from my mouth was B.S.
*Re-building all of my relationships, over time
*Being a good parent, the best I can be
*My teeth fixed
*my health=mental/physical/spiritual
*ability to look at myself in the mirror without shame
*My "word" at face value
*proving those wrong, who didn't think I could do this,every day that I go to bed, clean and sober
(many of these ^^^ are still a "work in progress")

I know, it doesn't look like the "other side" is very attractive.... That's the hard part to try and explain to people, who aren't addicts. They say, "why don't ya just stop" 
Well, it's just NOT that easy...... Especially now, that I've done so much reading on the subject.  Now, that I know the part of the brain that tells an addict to use, is the same part that tells all of us to eat,breath,sleep, ETC..... That would explain why I still feel "hard wired" to use, at times of high stress/anxiety/etc....

So, I'm trying not to concentrate on the whole "time" thing, too much. Since last time I started thinking too much about it, it overwhelmed me. Sounds dumb, I know, but that's how addiction works. I am very glad I've made it these last couple months with NO slips, though. THAT is a huge accomplishment, considering life as I "knew it" turned upside-down...

On that subject, nothings really changed. My family still can't be together, Sam still cannot see his father, not even supervised visits. The probation officer even took phone calls off the list, last week. Mike admitted to talking on the phone to Sam, and she threatened the suspended prison sentence. So, I've told Sam, his dad is working way far up in the woods, building logging roads, and there's not even cell phone towers yet. He looks at me like, "yeah, okay" and moves on, but this kid isn't stupid. Last week, he asked me twice if his dad was in jail, and once  he even said,,,,
"did my daddy die?" 
NO. . . I told you he's working. You know he loves you with all his heart, don't you?
"yes, I know. . I just really miss him and wish I could say bye bye daddy, your my best friend even when your gone"
I know sweetie, I miss him alot, too. He loves both of us very very much and we'll see him just as soon as he gets back. okay?
" (few tears) okay mommy, I'll try not to be too sad"
it's OKAY to be sad, mommy gets sad, too. but I love you with my whole heart, and your daddy does too. (he squeezed my neck just about as hard as he's ever done it. and I hugged him and cuddled him until HE let go)

Just how else am I supposed to explain this "whole thing"????
the next "step" to supervised visits, is the polygraph test, which is now been scheduled for the middle of May. 
IF he does WELL on that, then he MIGHT have a supervised visit, by his birthday, the first week of June. 

Most of the time, I can't really believe this is all happening. Honestly, I TRY not to think about it too much. All I can really do, is be the best parent possible, and support Mike how I can, when I can. And of course make damn sure my recovery (sobriety) doesn't take a "back seat" again any time soon. 
On a  positive note, Mike's been working quite a bit, which helps alot with all his fees, and fines and appointments and CRAP.... I make him use pretty much whatever he gets paid, for all that, so NONE of it comes out of my paychecks. THAT money has to support Sam and I. 

So, that's about it for now. I've got a kid asleep on my lap, and I'm getting tired, too. . .  I did order myself a couple new t-shirts, since the other ones I had, are way too big now, so they're work shirts, now...
One of my new ones says, Sober and Badass, just like the one that's too big, because well , it was my FAVORITE..... and the second one says,
Sober and Sexy.......
And I think it's pretty amazing, I would have never worn anything like that a year ago, or so, but now I have enough confidence, I don't really CARE, what anyone else thinks about it..... meaning, when they see/read a shirt like that. It's supposed to be funny, and it's supposed to "show" that I'm not ashamed to be clean/sober, but PROUD of what I've accomplished. THANKS to all the people that stand beside me, supporting me on good days and BAD DAYS.
thanks by the way....
to every single one of you.....
Sam thanks you, too. I'm getting along better with him, now. I mean, more of our time is spent doing fun things now, rather than arguing or completing "time out"....
And that, makes me feel like I'm a better parent. the hardest job in the world, for sure... and even harder, doing it by yourself......

have a good rest of your weekend, everyone. 
To Be continued...........

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