Thursday, April 18, 2013

Okay, I need to vent a bit.......



I told myself, after getting through my worst craving day yet, a week or so ago..
IF {when} I started to feel overwhelmed,,,
I’d write about it, or share,,,,, I’d do SOME THING about it…

So here it is……….
One hard lesson I've learned the last 24 months is.... it's HUMAN to feel feelings... it's NORMAL, to have EMOTIONS.... Not every single day, is sunshine and roses.... You just cannot walk around happy as can be,,,, every day,,,, all day long..... NOT CLEAN, anyways....
sometimes,
my heart aches soooo badly, I can feel actual physical pain, in my chest. It feels like my heart is breaking into little tiny pieces.... Like I'm picking up the pieces of my heart, off the ground, after everyone has stomped on them.
Sorry to be so depressing...
I HAVE TO GET IT OUT, though.... to stay OFF THE DOPE,,, I can't keep it all in... It doesn't work that way.....  I hear quite often....
"you are SO STRONG to be getting through this"
Well,,,,,YOU Don't see me,,, cry my eyes dry, while I'm in the shower... why do I do that, in the shower??? So  my SON doesn't HEAR ME or see me...  I don't want HIM to know, it hurts that much... OF COURSE< I tell him,, I'm sad too, when he shares with me, how he feels.  we even cry together, sometimes..............   I'm doing my VERY BEST.... that I know, and I guess, that's all I really CAN DO...............
I miss Saturday morning cartoons,,,
ALL THREE of us, in our pajamas, breakfast on the snugly blankets, the dog crawling in our laps, the sun gleaming through the window and Sam asking his Dad WAY too early in the morning, "CAN we go PLAY OUTSIDE now???"   I mean,,,, it's sad... it's totally heartbreaking, to NOT have the answers for this kid.... he's so loving, he's SO CONFUSED..... He's asked me if daddy's in jail, he's asked me if his daddy died.... I mean,,, WHAT do these people REALLY EXPECT me to say??????   I asked the Probation Officer, if there were any ideas SHE HAD ... for a four year old, that was USED to his father taking him to school EVERY SINGLE DAY,,
then one day, he's just "NOT HOME" anymore... for a MONTH.... never even said "bye"
then,,, he's HOME,,,, yay,,, he's HOME,, finally....
FOR A WEEK......
and all gone, once again.... he's STILL... forbidden from ANY CONTACT....
Mike's done every single thing, this PO has asked,, faster than "expected"
Plus,,,, last week,,, we weren't having a "fun conversation" at all.. we were discussing separation, and all that crap.... well I WAS......
Anyway,,,, he broke down,,, as anyone would. . . he calls the P.O. and has her on speaker phone... he says,,,,
Look, I was just wondering, well BEGGING,,, is there ANYTHING I CAN DO to speed up this process?? my heart is breaking here, every single day I don't see or speak with my son. My wife is losing it, I"M LOSING HER... my marriage of ten years,, is almost over,,,, is there ANYTHING I can do, to speed this up,,, make it so I can HELP WITH HIM???? I mean, besides what I'm already doing? I mean,, this is MY FAMILY... I'll do ANYTHING... anything to be able to be WITH THEM, again... Please... please help me..... save my family... PLEASE....
and let's not forget, he was emotional as a man can get, while saying all that... voice cracking, shaking, you name it...
know what the answer was????
(((you'll love that YOUR TAX DOLLARS are at work, here)))
the reply was........
well NO... you NEED to learn to listen, and comply... I've been really easy on you actually... so I can tighten things up a bit, if that's what you'd like?
he says,,,,with his voice STILL cracking..... No, thanks.... I'm pretty sure that's exactly the opposite of what I just asked. but thanks for your encouragement.
****silence*****
he ends with.... well have a great day.
~~~click~~~
Isn't that FANTASTIC??????
Sometimes.....
I still cannot believe this has ALL GONE ON... sometimes,
I get SO ANGRY, I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE.... Literally.... **********EXPLODE*******
I was thinking.... the probation department they should do a FUNDRAISER... where the officers,, get to do MMA style fights,, or something.... for the HIGHEST BIDDER....
OOOOOOO I'd start a COLLECTION PLATE!!!!!!!!.........  Now,,, I'm HALF kidding... I'd do it,,, as long as it were LEGAL, and in a ring... I'm not saying I want to ASSAULT anyone, here... I'm saying I'd LOVE to blow off some steam, in a healthy way, though.... At work,, I BUST up the old pallets, with a SLEDGEHAMMER...... Yep, that works, til I can't feel my shoulders and arms anymore.....
I keep preaching to my son,,, you ONLY fight in a RING,, or for sport,,,, we don't FIGHT... it's the easy road to fight............. the better person, can make a SMART ASS REMARK,,, and get the other really pissed,, and WALK AWAY With a smirk....
I know,
I know... I'm NOT a perfect parent...
this is NOWHERE NEAR A PERFECT WORLD,,, either....
Time for some POSITIVE stuff.....
So, Mike and I had about the MOST grown up discussion we've HAD, in our ten years of marriage... EVER the other day..... it was both good and bad. The great news is,,,, we can COMMUNICATE again, without resentment, without the scoreboard in the background... yep,,, it really was exactly what we needed to do.
My point, here............... is while we were talking,,, I said, you know we BOTH need to come to the realization, there's NOTHING,,, I mean not ONE DAMN THING either of us can do to CHANGE the situation we are in.....
************NOTHING*************
BUT,,, the ONE thing we DO have control over,,, is what we LET this situation do to us,,, our family,,,, our marriage,,, OUR SON,,,,,,
we can make the VERY BEST of it,,,
by learning all we can,,,, you can take advantage of the counseling, the classes, everything.... you MIGHT just learn to be a better father,,, husband,,,, man.
Wouldn't that be great???
take something HORRIBLE, and turn it in to something GREAT???
(I don't mean what I'm about to say in a negative way,, AT ALL... but I don't know HOW else to say it).... after I said those words to him... it looked like a LIGHT clicked on,, WAYYYYY far back in the dark space, of his head....
And,,, he started Group Therapy,,,,     two weeks ago.....   and I really HONESTLY already see a huge change in the way he's looking at the whole situation,, the way he's TAKING IT ALL IN...                                  he's not on AUTO-DEFENSE    every time I say something to him... he's actually listening to my words,,, seeing things from MY SHOES,, for once. . . . maybe things WILL be okay????
Your guess,,, is as good as mine, right now....
the "estimate" for supervised visits,, is STILL around four months from now... for SUPERVISED VISITS...               so can ANYONE tell me WHY a serial rapist,, gets supervised visits,,, but a loving, "stable" father,,, does not???
anyone???
I mean,,, by the TIME he does get a supervised visit,,, it will be at least       SIX MONTHS, since they've seen each other.... and if he hadn't have been home for that first week he was out,,, well then SEVEN... and remember,, that's if EVERYTHING GOES WELL....   if not,, well it's going to be EVEN LONGER........ how is that OKAY???
HOW????
yeah,,, I'm VENTING.....
I get SO MAD...
then I'm sad,,,
then depressed,,,
then the heart ache,
then the sun comes up again, and the cycle starts ALL OVER...........
This isn't the AMERICA I used to be so proud of........... I'm ashamed of our government,,, for doing this to families all across the nation... then they WONDER why there's so many broken homes??? really??? and so many "lost children"  how are they even confused by that????
****sigh****
One more thing, OUT of my control,,, so I'll stop there.......
On the other hand,,,, work is super busy.... at least that's ONE THING I can control.....
Sam is "okay"    he started his "extra classes" last week.... the ones that are supposed to help him Sit down in the circle group, and pay attention, and be able to complete A TASK,,, independently......  I wish I could take away all the hurt in his little heart..... I wish I could make things ALL BETTER for him, with one wave of my "magic wand"
that's how he looks at me, , , with those deep blue eyes, that I feel like SEE right INTO MY SOUL.... he looks at me like "fix it mommy"
Sometimes,, he tries to convince me ,,, "if you let daddy come home he will be very good,,, I will tell him he HAS to be good,, okay mommy?"
and,,, just for the record,,,
according to the schools, and all that,, he's a "special needs" child right now, because of ALL the behavior issues,, and other issues.... So,, NOT ONLY, did his father get ripped away from him, like a band aid,,,,,,, but I'M STUCK with the aftermath..... I'm the ONE, that gets to listen to all the crap.....
I love the kid, to death,,, don't get me wrong... but it's
REALLY FREAKING HARD..... not to completely LOSE MY SHIT.... some days.............
I'm making it.... I AM.... and it feels good to let it "all out"
The one thing,, I try to do ,,, is make his dad's absence,,, affect him the LEAST AMOUNT as possible..... I try to hug him extra tight... and give him extra kisses,,, and yep, he's still sleeping in MY BED.... cuz,,, what the hell else am I going to do??? 
we sing songs, and we dance, and we have as much silly time as humanly possible,,, while I do have to work full time,,, remember.... LOL
but,, he seems happy.... I really HOPE he's a happy kid..... I'd do ANYTHING I COULD... to make him happy...
This world,, is rough.... it's unforgiving, and it's definitely NOT FAIR..... so if he can find happiness.... I'll feel that I've done my "job" well, as a parent.
In general... I'm a happy person... I've heard A LOT,,, that I'm the happiest person someone has known/seen/met... Not so much, since January,,, but I used to hear, all the time,,,
"How can you be in such a good mood all the time?"
Well, truth is,,, I have my moments of despair, for SURE... but maybe, when you've been down the road, I HAVE... there's a WHOLE LOT you could be SAD/MAD/depressed about..... but I CHOOSE to be positive,,, and look at the GOOD SIDE.........
TRY and find the GOOD... in whatever situation YOU might be pushing through.... it's true what they say,,,
**********YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE,,,,
UNTIL YOU'VE GOT NO OTHER CHOICE************
hang in there.... hold on tight, it's gonna be a BUMPY RIDE
If you feel like you can't find ANY good..... then try to
***Learn to laugh,,, at the silly things,
***learn to enjoy the things you NEVER even thought of......
***Watch an older couple, walk down the street holding hands..
*** take advantage of an old black and white movie...
***Listen to an old country love song..... not a SAD one, a LOVE SONG
for instance.... 
the older I get...the MORE I believe....
rock and roll, CAN save your soul......
It might not be "rock n roll" for YOU,,, and that's okay, but hopefully you get my point.... Good music, or music YOU LIKE.... is GOOD FOR YOUR SOUL...
don't believe me???   Next time your having like the shittiest day ever... listen to five of your favorite songs, of ALL TIME... and TRY not to tap your foot, or move or hum,,,,,, or anything...... You'll FEEL what I'm talking about... If you do NOT... then Maybe you don't HAVE a soul????
****kidding******
sorta...... LOL
That's all I got for tonight everyone...
thanks for reading all my venting... thanks for all your support, thanks to my family and close friends.... for EVERYTHING YOU PUT UP WITH from me....
I'm doing my best.... I'm still CLEAN, and I'm doing MY BEST... Know that much, okay???
I love all of you..........
I'll end this with pics of my BABY BOY.... Dancing in his NEW Nike high-tops.... showing ME,,, how GREAT he can dance.. in his new shoes.......
I know, your smiling now......



 
And here's a couple of things,, I FIND inspirational......


 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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