Saturday, February 9, 2013

22 days, and "3 wishes"

well, here we are, at 22 days.
by the time court gets here finally, it'll have been 26 days.
damn near a month. and by anyone's standards, I think Im okay saying
a MONTH... because you KNOW to HIM, it FEELS like YEARS.
~~~I can only imagine.~~~
at BEST, it'll have been  a month, since a hug, kiss or touch.
feels  like an eternity, when you've been together every day, as long as we have......
to tell you. . . . at all
Just trying to do the next thing that I'm supposed to, one foot in front of the other.
in all reality,
that's ALL I really CAN DO.
I've finally figured out, that getting really mad, or really sad ,
won't do ANYTHING.... but not for lack of effort, that's for sure.
it's just incredibly difficult to stay positive
this entire time.
I do however, put on a good false front, especially with my son.
he IS the most important person in this situation.
I sincerely hope,
he will NOT remember this time, but it's a toss-up according to the counselor.
she said,
the more I 'minimize' it, the better the chances are he won't remember.
so, that's good, there's at least some possibility he won't.......BUT
that's of course, IF and only IF,  he gets released next week.
the biggest question I keep getting asked, is "have you felt like using??"
I'd be lying,,
If I said it's NEVER come to mind. because honestly, I always think about drugs in
general. I've made "peace" that's probably never going to change.
the ONE thing I can say though,
is all the relapse prevention and all that,
because NOW when "high" comes to mind, it's like on "auto-pilot" that all the bad shit, comes at the SAME TIME........
it used to be,
I'd have a thought, I'd fantasize about it for HOWEVER long,
almost always TOO long,
and then I'd have to remind myself, of that "shit tornado" I always talk about with a path of destruction as wide as all my family and friends.
After reminding myself of that tornado,
for I guess about 18 months, ALMOST DAILY,
Now it comes automatically.
So, when I DO have a thought of using, it's AUTOMATICALLY played forward into the crapfest,,,,, that ALWAYS follows.
I hope that makes sense to anyone reading who is NOT
a drug addict.
I'm actually more worried about, after Mike's HOME,
and I breathe some kind of relief, it's then that I'll REALLY need to have my
guard up.
I was reminded of that fact, by a very good friend, or honestly I may have NEVER thought of the issue.
If I had "three wishes" today,
       the first would be the most obvious, that either this would have NEVER taken
place, OR everything's dropped right now.(mike's release any way you dice it)
       the second would be, my son  not to remember this, any part of it.
the third,
 all the people that have helped mike and I,over this last month especially,,,
for the universe to pay them back, ten times over.
that's right,
nothing materialistic for me, I'm FINE with having my FAMILY TOGETHER again,
best "gift" ever----- if you ask me.
You can't pick it up at the local store,
bargain for it on the corner,
or have it shipped from ebay.
A great relationship, and a stong, loving family, is BUILT, over time.
Like a strong house.
And, I'm just ready to have mine back.
here's to HOPE.............
one day at  a time.
thanks   :-)
Sam's very favorite pic
                                                 this one's from the old apartment
                                                  two of a kind  :-)
                                Day at the park, February 2010

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