Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Help Appreciated

I just wanted to throw this out there,
in case anyone WANTED to help,
we are definitely NOT above accepting,
ANY HELP at this point.
so here's the link to the attorney's site
http://www.mlanglaw.com/
and, the account number is
00512-COWAN
Any little bit, EVERY little bit adds up....
or you can call during business hours
503-325-2884
We HAVE to have $2500 no later than Friday
late afternoon, and I'm at about $1300
So, Thanks from the bottom of my heart,
for anything and everything,
and don't forget to keep your fingers crossed for us!


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Broken Hearted

After sharing over 12 years of my life with someone, 
and he's  gone, just GONE one day, 
it feels like I'm missing an arm or something.
Yes, I get to talk on the phone every night with him, but it's not the same, nowhere near the same. Especially, when who I talk to is not the confident, proud man I once knew. He's scared, frustrated, labeled, and a whole list of other not so great things. But, I keep telling him to stay strong for us, for his son, and we'll get him out of there, sometime.I wish with everything in my SOUL I could make things better , but I just cannot.
I'm doing absolutely everything I can think of,
and I'm pretty sure the attorney is too.
We have a plan now, to have him do this state certified evaluation,
basically to prove he's not this monster they are making him out to be.
I sure hope it works, because it's costing $2500. which I don't have quite together yet, but I'll figure something out. 
Because,
that's about the ONLY chance he's got at not going up against a six year sentence, so really what  else is there to do.
At first, when this FIRST all happened, I had faith in our justice system, faith in people generally speaking, and ALL of that's changed now.
I used to believe people were "generally" good, and as long as you lived an honest life, were a good person, and did the best you could,
BAD SHIT wouldn't happen to you.
Well, Mike's about the best man I've ever known, and didn't deserve anything like what's going on here. Sure Mike's had his issues over the years, but he's never been anything like this "label"
Now,
his son will be the one paying the price for it. If you would have told me a year ago, or two, that ONE of us would be raising our son alone, 
I would have guessed it to be his dad.
He's always shown commitment to his family, always. Even people that DON'T LIKE HIM, will tell you that.
When I'd hear about sex crimes/allegations before this happened, 
I thought the same as anyone else probably does,
"well SOMETHING must have happened"
And, that's why I believe all six attorneys I've spoken to, that say it's the HARDEST thing to do, "win" a jury when being accused of ANY KIND of sex crime. They all said the SAME THING, they all had years of experience at defending people. They say you are playing with a LOADED GUN.
So,
right now that evaluation is his only hope, I guess.
That or this person saying now,  it was nothing, which probably isn't going to happen, but I HAVE to ask myself, if she knew everything that was happening here, would she think he deserved it?
If something had gone on here, I'm pretty sure he'd come clean about it by now. At least then, he'd have some REASON he's there.
I mean, even IF he comes out of this thing, with no prison time,
our lives will never be the same again.
And here's fair warning, that this could happen to ANYONE.
It sounds INSANE but it's absolutely the truth.
I'm trying to come to grips with him being gone for a long time, but it's pretty damn hard.
Most people are raised with the belief that only "bad people" go to prison, or people who make "bad" mistakes......
A very good man is on his way for no good reason at all. I'm not saying he's perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination.
But I've known the guy TWELVE YEARS, 
he has always been unconditionally loving, understanding, and kind.
Sure, he'd get upset or mad once in awhile, but when it's all said and done, he'd forgive.
And I guess I don't see this "monster" they describe in court,
when all I can think of, 
is him having tears in his eyes, when Sam first said "da da"
or that he's sang a song to him every single night before bed, since I was pregnant with him. 
I remember my mom telling me as a teenager, if you want to KNOW how a man treats a woman, watch the way they treat their mother.
Well,
that's the same story, too. All loving, patience and understanding.
Maybe that's why this is so hard to digest for me.
I just honestly can't believe this monster was hiding somewhere for twelve years and then decided to "show" itself.
We've had our UPS and DOWNS, that's for sure.
So, why NOW, would something like this happen? when everything was really great.......
I remember saying not too long ago to him,,,,
"things are going so great for us, they never go this great, It makes me nervous that the next catastrophe is right around the corner"
That's all I've got for tonight,
Im just,
broken hearted.



Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hard Lessons and Difficult Questions...

THINGS IVE LEARNED THIS WEEK.........

~~~I am MUCH stronger, than I EVER realized.....
~~~a GOOD defense attorney, makes the BEST SIDEKICK ever
~~~when you are a genuinely caring person, you RECEIVE genuine care in   your time of need.
~~~ kids "pick up" way more than you think
and last but not least.......
Mike did alot more chores around the house, than I EVER REALIZED~~~
~~~
this is just about the worst situation, ever.
but I'm hanging in there.
this has definitely SHOWED me how tough I REALLY AM.
I thought I was tough,  before.....
BUT watch out now!!
ha ha ha  ha ha ha
~~~
Seriously,,,
If I can stay clean through this ORDEAL,,, I can stay clean through ANYTHING
honestly, it hasn't been TOO hard, in "that" department.
Of course that was my FIRST thought, as they are dragging my husband off to jail ...................I'm wondering EXACTLY what avenue I'm going to go "down" after this is all Dismissed/cleared/acquitted ~~~~For some reason,
the sheriff charged Mike two counts, assaulting an officer..............WELL
there's always MORE to the story, isn't there???
As I was completely shocked, horrified, scared, whatever you want to say,,,,
I look out my dining room window,,,
AND WHAT did I see???
I saw two sheriff deputies, laughing, joking (or something?) AND
using a digital camera, to take PICTURES OF THEMSELVES......
(Now I wish I would have been "together" enough to take a few of them!!).
I watched them,for a few minutes, and thought YOU KNOW, SURE ENOUGH, as soon as they get done there, whatever they THINK they are documenting......they are going to SLAP mike with MORE CHARGES......
AT THAT MOMENT.................  I dug out some notebook paper, and just went to town, writing EVERYTHING DOWN......... every little detail.
all the questions they asked, everything....
it's VERY DETAILED.....
and I even put on PAGE ONE, why I started------------I described how they were posing in front of each other, taking pictures of their arms and everything, smiling and laughing, like it's some BIG JOKE----I was NOT IMPRESSED,,,,,,,,and honestly I know some people say we hold police officers on a pedestal sometimes,,,,,, I realize they are just people like you or I,,, and I can even get over the fact OUR HORRIFIC situation might be funny somehow to them, but that was neither the TIME or the PLACE to make a scene out of what just happened...........especially NOT with his wife, standing in the doorway completely dumbfounded....A respectful gesture of "is there anything we could help you with",,,,,,would have went A LONG WAY
instead of making fun of us, right out in the driveway.
Also,
I understand that a " sexual predetor " is like the scum of society, yes BUT
let's NOT forget this is only an ALLEGATION and if they would have read what they were arresting him for,  well then THAT might have been their funny joke, instead.
Six years mandatory minimum for this complete fabrication of a statement is just incomprehensible to me. (In THIS DAY and age.)
I just went ahead and started writing everything I could remember,
every small detail I could remember..... Even the deputy explaining to me since they had talked on the phone that he MUST be guilty.....(mike talked/texted each client, every day)
I think
they  "KNEW "  he was guilty, when they showed up...... and furthermore,
they "knew" he was going to FIGHT THEM , when they got here.
I can't even put into words how much tension I felt, when  they came in, as they walked down the hall into the bedroom.....I was MORE than cooperative
with every single thing they asked.....After I wrote what turned out to be a ten page statement on notebook paper,,,,, I walked into our bedroom and took pictures of the  "aftermath"  everything from the curtains and plugs torn out of my wall,
to the black boot marks,
UP the walls.
Just how the hell one man in underwear is so dangerous, is beyond ME.
especially with the "accused"  yelling-- ouch, ouch, Im not an animal, PLEASE STOP!!!!!! ouch  ouch......... 
Mike puts up a convincing 'tough guy' persona, but he's learned in his time
NOT to fight with the police. He only wanted to know WHAT EXACTLY he was going to jail for....And, NOW I guess I understand WHY they didn't want to tell him.
Isn't it amazing how ONE SMALL statement, can affect so many different things? Mike's boss came and got the medical van yesterday. Along with his phone and all the other crap, that was his....I'm not sure what's going on THERE is quite legal, but I do know that Mike will be somewhat 'broken' for at least a little bit.....I haven't really asked him,,,,about going back to work for them..... I think if he does do it, we'll be having a surveillance camera installed, at the VERY LEAST.......That's the question I find myself,,,,,most often asking.---why did his employer NOT install some TYPE of surveillance AFTER THE FIRST ISSUE????
He said,,, that night Mike called him,,,,
"we've had allegations like this in the past, and they always work themselves out,,,,,, this has happened o, maybe three times over the last two to three years."
BUT, when I asked LAST weekend,,,HOW exactly did they "work themselves out"  he wouldn't tell me...... all he said was that they ended up okay, at the end......I said, well THIS SITUATION is NOT working for ME.
Just so you know.
honestly I'm just fine with me working, at least for a bit. Mike will at the very least need some time to heal here. And he's worked on and off for my boss, over the last two years, I'm  sure when it's busy that will be the same.
He was just STARTING to trust people, come out of his "shell" a bit and open up. WELL I'm sure you can imagine how this whole experience will be a huge step back, in that department.
This last week,
I've thought a lot about people who have been sexually assaulted,
and you know, (horrible) things of that nature.
I completely, whole heartedly understand,,,,
NOT being able to report things, for hours or even days.
BUT
when allegations take WEEKS to report,,,,
they shouldn't be able to just RIP some guy out of bed on Saturday morning, bringing insanity to every aspect of his family's life.
Sam was basically sent home from the learning center every day this week.
I did by choice pick him up early, twice.
And honestly,
I'm REALLY PROUD OF  Mike  for NOT freaking out,,,,
for what's going on here..... He's got every RIGHT to be upset,
about all this.......
and you know, a few years ago if something like this would have happened, he'd be doing TIME for sure, for SOMETHING,,, some kind of freak out along the way.
It's a weird feeling, having SO MUCH history with someone,
knowing you've "grown up"
pretty much right along side each other..........
This will only bring us CLOSER TOGETHER, and STRONGER than ever,
when it's all said and done.
One more thing, we've MADE IT THRU and came out on the OTHER SIDE.
honestly,
Im ready for the whole DAMN THING to be DONE AND OVER.
and I know, that's just wishful thinking.
I'm absolutely GRATEFUL for the help getting him some GOOD defense
because that's one HUGE lesson I've learned,,,,,,
how much different everyone treats you in this system when you've
HIRED someone.
And as of right now, we are good financially, with the attorney.
anyone that WANTS to help, still can I (we)won't turn it down!  :-)
but I'm hopeful it won't drag out too far.
if it does though, IM MORE than prepared, to keep fighting
financially, emotionally , everything.
I'm only waiting on one thing, for taxes too, which will help a ton,,, along with filing ch. 7 and ending my 33% garnishment....
It feels good to SHOW him how much I've changed, and that I believe in him as much as he believed in ME<
all those times, I just couldn't "get it" yet.
So, that's all for now.
Be thinking of us, sending us all the good luck and positive thoughts you can!!
oh, and Mike's done smoking he says.
Tells ME, I'm done , too at least around him!! and  he  adds,
""IF we can MAKE Something POSITIVE out of all this bullshit,
then it's just ONE more thing that makes US a stronger family.""
I sure miss him!!!
Sam is hanging in there....
he's given me some REAL eye opening, statements and questions.
One morning, he announced
Mommy , Daddy is in jail, he's lost and hes not coming back
I said, WHO SAID THAT?
I was pissed,,,, hurt, ashamed, everything..... This is just NOT something I ever saw us going through!!
Telling him,,,, You talk to your daddy each night before bed, he still sings to you every night, he knows right where you are, and believe ME, he'll be here as SOON as he can be.
Sam didn't say much.... I picked him up and hugged his lil body as hard as I could, tried LOVING him in that moment, ENOUGH for BOTH of us.
then today,
hes been asking about good and bad guys, all day.
I posted about that earlier, on my page, so I won't repeat it.
You know,
I've always told myself, to be as HONEST as possible with him, so I haven't denied the jail thing. BUT I haven't SAID jail in his presence, or anything.
he doesnt' hear the first part of the call from his dad, where it says sheriff's office either.
I THOUGHT I'd been really careful about it. But I've been honest and open with both preschools, and I think that's where he may have heard something.
That hurts me most of all, that he probably heard it when I wasn't even there.
And, I'm glad they've been talking each night. Mike's always sang to Sam every night, before bed, since I was starting to "show" pregnant with him.
(Yep,,, what a threat this guy is)
At least THAT gives him the re-assurance, he IS going to be here,
as soon as he possibly can.
Sam's TIRED of MY answers though,,,,, I KNOW that much!!

 
 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Update from the lawyer

Well you know I WISH I could give all of you, all the "gory" details, but I just can't......
i want mike to be able to FIGHT AND WIN this case, and for that to all go through, I just cannot
disclose much of anything.
I can say, that when this is ALL OVER,
the truth will prevail, and mike WILL BE HOME with US, where he belongs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just KNEW this wasn't Mike......
I just knew, in my heart, my husband, that stood by my side,
when i was at my VERY WORST.......
I knew he wouldn't "force" himself on ANYBODY, I knew IF he was a cheater of ANY KIND,
I would have known about it, a LONG TIME AGO.......
not now,
not when everything was really good between us, and had been really good between us.
we have MOST DEFINITELY had our "issues" in the past....
but you know something,
I've never questioned Mike's "fidelity" with me, not once..... well maybe I've asked
him,,, when I was in my early 20s and really insecure about myself....
but not in the last five years?
or more?
definitely not since we had a son...... Mike's never been "that" guy.....NEVER
so when this whole nightmare began,
it was like the wind was knocked out of me,
and I stand back up, and STILL DONT GET IT!!!
I'm still like WTF just happened???
Anyways,
the "allegation" is only touching,,,,, no clothes removed, and while driving.
and WE KNOW ITS BS right?
I KNEW IT FROM THE START
I'm just finally able to feel some relief, that the way I see him,,,
the MAN I KNOW, will prevail.
it might take some time, but IT WILL PREVAIL
thanks so much
to all of you who've been supportive of me and especially of him......
he was so broken last night.... it was so painful to try and keep him seeing things
positive SOMEHOW!!!!
all I could tell him tonight, was that I talked with the lawyer, and
it was all good stuff, and he'd be in to see him tomorrow......
WELL
Mike said, I can HEAR THE RELIEF IN YOUR VOICE,,,,, and from that ALONE
I could hear it in HIS.
maybe this all was just a test,,,,
a test to show him, I"LL STICK BY HIM just like he did for me,
and you know, if I can make it through THIS ORDEAL sober,
JEEZ I can make it through ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks a million to everyone!!!
I'll keep you updated, as much as I CAN!!!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Worst day, ever.

Title says it all.......
I was hesitant on posting ANY of this. it's both very highly personal, and very painful.
but I said I'd be 100% honest,
so that's what I'm going to do.
I will start at the very beginning.
so, just before Christmas this detective came to our house, ten at night. Asked Mike a whole
shitload of questions, about some 26 year old woman, who lives out  in Astoria.
I'm not going to say her name.............
Until this all gets worked out, EVEN THOUGH I'd really love to tell ALL Of  you......
a million and one questions, and of all things about "sexual harassment"
Mike couldn't even REMEMBER the ride, because it had been THREE WEEKS prior.
Actually, she rode to portland, and back, on December third.
the detective came just before Christmas......................
.(((.(he acted like he couldn't... found out later, he was lying to me, the night the investigator was at our home. he was scared, and he told me,,, he was SURE in his mind it would "all work out fine" because he did NOTHING WRONG.... and I can see where he's coming from there.... why would any normal person think,,, they are going to be in jail, shortly, for something someones mother says happened???.... just something to think about)))))
At the time of "questioning"
Mike was very confused, frustrated, irritated, you name it.
he immediately called his boss, after the detective left.
His BOSS said that in the last two years, this "kinda thing" had happened at least three times.
Where these women, trying to get money out of the insurance, you know, some kind of "award"
His boss assured him,
obviously they didn't have "enough" to take him to jail.
Mike sighed a breath of relief, and went right back to work the next day. His boss said,
"mike, your the best driver I've had, yet, don't worry about this man"
~~~~
That was the weekend before Christmas......
I looked up his paperwork from December third, I saw the name, didn't really "click" that I knew
her or anything, figured, his boss must be right, and didn't say much.
I did ask him,,,
are you SURE you didn't like "accidentally flirt" or something?
he says, NO, I don't think so?
but he really was fuzzy on the details, I mean if you think about HOW MANY people he gives rides to, sometimes three trips to portland and BACK each day,,,
I guess I can see HOW it'd be confusing.
so, I was you know, just TRYING to figure out why someone would say such a thing?
why they wouldn't contact his BOSS for starters.
he tells me,
WELL, what happened, WHAT I remember was like, she was talking both her mother and her were talking actually alot on the way TO portland, you know, LOTS of people talk to me, it's a boring ride.
but,
I distinctly remember, on the way back, she was VERY quiet.
Mike's boss constantly "screens" his riders/clients and kind of does an "evaluation" asking about the service he provided, ETC.
so he says ON the way back she didn't say hardly TWO WORDS to me,
and I thought she was mad or something.
I was trying to kinda smooth things over,,,,, My boss called in the middle of a ride, and my phone
lit up. It's mounted to the dash, since he uses a bluetooth, anyways, I guess she sees the picture on his phone, of me and sam.
she asked him, "is that Amber?"
He said yes, and explains we're married.
Mike says, he thought NOTHING of it, but just kept driving, dropped her off, and at the end of the day he tried calling to apologize for "whatever" might have been wrong. he was super worried, his boss would ask her how he did, and she was going to complain about SOMETHING.
So, he tried twice, no answer.
he says they exchanged messages, just saying I hope that everything went okay for you today,
I didn't mean to make you mad or uncomfortable, you seemed upset on the way back from Portland,
and I apologize if I did in fact do something to make you angry.
now, this is all stuff I've gotten out of Mike just today......
BECAUSE
at 9am the sheriff came and arrested him for felony sex abuse.
Yep, can you believe this shit???
first of all,
Sam was at my mother's house, thank god.
So we stayed up late last night, like really late.
I promised he could sleep in today, I had planned on taking sam to the park with some of his friends.
WELL
knock knock knock at the door.
I had fallen asleep in the recliner, and I thought it was the neighbor,,,,,,,,,,,LOL
so I ignored it the first few times.
it just got LOUDER AND LOUDER
I was like WTF????
and flung the door open, there was the Sheriff.
he says,
Is Michael here?
Im like yea, but he's asleep.
WELL you need to wake him up, he says, real pissy like.
Im like, well I don't think you want me to, but okay I will.
I asked what it was about he says, he needs to speak with Michael.
I'm like OKAY mr. your in charge. No, I didn't say that part. LOL
the guy was a total ASS from the start, seriously.
now , NOW that I know what he's being charged with, I guess I can SORTA understand it.
(((sidenote,,,,, here...... you could FEEL a fight coming, in the air... I had NO IDEA what was about to happen... but I COULD FEEL it wasn't going to be GOOD....seriously looking  back on the situation... it was like the came LOOKING for a fight)))

but what the hell ever happened to innocent until proven guilty????
Anyways,
back on topic here.
So he comes in behind me,
asked if there was anybody else in the house, besides us, I say No our son is at my mothers.
Again, being the real nice cop he is,
I say, "mike there's a cop here, you gotta get up baby"
he opens ONE EYE and the cop and now his sidekick, mr. nice number two,
SHOUTS
"get up Michael we have a warrant for you arrest"
mike says,
WHAT???? what the hell for???
and gets himself sat up to the side of the bed.
he's in his underwear, by the way.
LOL
Mr. sidekick ,
shouts again, we have a warrant your coming with us, get off your fucking ass now
Mike shouts back, now coming to his feet,
WHAT AM I GOING TO JAIL FOR?????
and crosses his arms, across his chest, still in his underwear.
nice cop number one,
YELLS< about 12 inches from his face,
IM NOT ASKING AGAIN, YOUR PUTTING YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK , NOW
I walk down the hall, I can tell shits getting heated.
the cop TRIES TO GRAB MIKE'S arms,
and mike STEPS BACK, toward the bed.
they BOTH then proceed to tackle him, like wolves or something,
and drag him by the neck into the hall, out of the bedroom, tearing down our bedroom
curtains, ripping all the plugs outta the wall, along the way.
Mike's screaming now.
"ouch what the F did I do?"
why the F am I going to jail, Im NOT AN ANIMAL MAN, that f-ing hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they threaten to taze him,
and he quiets down, but they are still on him like wolves.
it was horrible, horrific and something I NEVER want to see again.
I felt pain in my heart, more than, I don't even know.
Mike's about as bi-polar as you can get, and he does FINE most of the time,
but tear him OUT of bed on saturday morning,
and just treat him like some kind of animal?
yea, not good results.
so they get him into the livingroom, and at some point in time they called for "back up"
yea, really, Im not even joking.
so NOW there's FIVE COPS at my house, all because mike refused cuffs, until they told him
WHAT his warrant was for.
I just got back from visiting him,
he's in a bright yellow jumpsuit, chained at the ankles and waist.
he says, they don't take him anywhere without the chains, because his charge is felony sex abuse,
forcing himself on that woman. (who was 26 in December, and is 27 now)
yea, unbelievable.
he says, he's by himself, because all sex offenders are, and that they are treating him like an animal trapped in a cage, the scum of the earth.
I looked in his eyes,
I saw nothing but  pain and sadness, he says, " I swear amber, I swear on our son, I did not do this"
do you believe me?
yes, yes I do mike.

I have to say,,,,Reading this months later, after all my family is been through,
just brings all the pain back UP to the "top"
But ,,, I felt like it was really important to add right here......
finding out later on----
that he knew the "allegation" when that investigator came to the house,
and he just flat out lied to me,,,, hurts worse than the REST of it all....
And,
just in case your wondering,,,,
it's the end of APRIL now, he still is forbidden from ANY CONTACT with his son,
and I STILL BELIEVE HIM.....
He admitted openly to me,
just last week,,,, that he felt "entitled" in a way, to lie to me, about the investigator,
that the VERBAL Flirtation that DID take place,  was absolutely mutual, AND, that it never "went further than that"
he still swears that.... his two thousand dollar evaluation,,,
the "dr." says on his summary, he thinks Mike is being HONEST about "his side of the story" since, there's some "holes" in the prosecuting case, anyway.

IN NO WAY am I saying,,
he did the "right thing" by LYING to the investigator, LYING TO ME, or any of that...
NOPE that was absolutely wrong,
and I HONESTLY BELIEVE,,, he needs to pay SOME TYPE of consequence for that...
but a month in jail, the registered sex offender label,
and NOT being able to even speak on the phone to his son, for maybe a YEAR, is a little harsh,,,, wouldn't you say???
Let's not forget,,, the allegation, is touching over the clothes, while driving 60mph.
So, even IF,, and that's a BIG IF for me,,,
he did do that.... even IF,,,
it's still not a punishment fitting of the crime... At least not in my opinion.... and further more,,, its the "mother" of the 27 year old,,,
that made the report,,, she actually made TWO reports, cuz the first one went ignored... I also found out later,,
Like only last month,,, all the "evidence" went before the grand jury,,, three different times... before he was EVER indicted...
Meaning,,,,
HMMMMM..... there must NOT have been THAT MUCH "evidence" of a crime, right??
he shouldn't have lied....
BIG F-ING mistake, dude.......
HUGE.......
You live, and you learn I guess......
I know I SURE HAVE LEARNED A LOT... the last four months....
Peace out folks......
here's the rest of my pain-full blog post;;;;;;;;


****
My stomach hurts my heart aches,
and my baby boy just wants his daddy.

so I think the courthouse is closed Monday, it's  a holiday.
but Tuesday he should get arraigned, in his fashionable jumpsuit, at 115pm
I really , sincerely hope they see he's
"no flight risk"
and has a stable job, home, and family...........
and NEEDS TO WORK to help support us.
I don't even want to THINK about him having to do time for this.
I just am absolutely dumbfounded, someone can SAY something like this.
and it RUINS ANOTHER FAMILY, completely.
seriously.
this is seriously bad.
arrest records, are PERMANENT.
well, I think you can get them "cleared" for a couple grand.
all I can say is,
I somehow made it through the day without using drugs.
I wanted to, yes.
but I didn't do it.
I'd also love to have a drive up to you know who's house and have a "talk" with her.
but my friend, advised it wasn't a great idea.
so,
Im signing out,
from the worst day ever,
the hardest day, ever
still sober.
thanks for reading

you know, i forgot something.
I've known this man for 13 years..... he really (used to at least) loved his new job.
I highly, highly doubt he'd do something so unthinkable, and risk everything we've
worked sooooo freaking hard for.
and IF 
and IF I say he in fact WAS a cheater, don't you think he would have cheated,
when I was "off" using drugs, not having any kind of relationship with him???
I think so. this just doesn't add up to ME..... NONE OF IT
that's just a small part of the reason, Im here, right beside him, same as he was
for ME< when I went through all my shit.
I'm here for him....... always.......
one more thing.....
IF he were the "forcing" himself type of guy.... his WIFE of ten years, would probably be the FIRST TO KNOW.... don't ya think???
well, it might be TOO MUCH detail for some,,, but he's just "not into it" believe me.......
I've tried.......
Being with the same person, for ten/twelve years... you become "open" to new ideas, right? I mean, what's wrong with that???
well,, it's just not something he's "in to"
Another drop in the bucket,,, Of why I believe him......
STILL......