Sunday, December 8, 2013

That's a WRAP!! Regarding; Thanksgiving, my lil guy turning FIVE,, and 32 months is almost here......

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Wuzzzz UP my Bro-thaaa?
Well where to start ........…….
First I’d like to say ***THANKSGIVING ***
was pretty GREAT….Just about the best one I can remember.
No particular reason why,,,,,,Other than I didn’t feel tense/anxious/stressed, anything like the “norm” for me. It was actually really cool to spend a long weekend WITH my family….. And guess WHO got to enjoy FAMILY TIME, as well???  Yes,,,, Mike was granted permission to be around/involved with Thanksgiving. That sure made things MUCH EASIER…. There’s so many times we have to make extra trips, just to ensure Mike IS following each and EVERY SINGLE GUIDELINE…. Let's face it,,,, If you ARE following the rules, then there's nothing to be nervous or stressed about,,,,,, right?
Well that's what I used to honestly believe,,
while my "outlook" has changed somewhat,
following the rules when you THINK nobody is watching...........still absolutely feels like the best "insurance" no matter HOW I look at it all.
So, the long holiday weekend,
Sam was blessed with the presence of his UNCLE WILL****
and THAT is quite the treat for Mr. Sam man......
My brother, Will, takes the "job" 
of being an uncle, VERY seriously.... as he should, right?? yes, that answer would be YES,,,,, it's just not the "norm" these days....      (Hmmm he's not normal either,, imagine that!!)
We are almost 7 years apart, in age. So growing up, we mostly fought,,, LOL.... No, not "mostly" we mostly got in trouble... together.... And when I moved out he was hitting that pre-teen STAGE..... and we ALL know that's certainly NO FUN AT ALL.. I think he maybe harbored resentment or anger towards me for a long time, for "leaving" him behind...
 but in all honesty WHO KNOWS what goes through that kid's head.... LOL.....  he's one of those people who seems ALMOST too smart for their OWN good, if that makes any sense. My brother was blessed with both "book smarts" and street smarts..
Me,,,, I don't know. Some of both, and the ability to SURVIVE no matter the "odds" of NOT surviving.... those are just a couple of my strengths.
This last past year,
we've definitely communicated MUCH more, than all ten years prior, added together... I think it's been great for ME, and especially for Sam. One thing I learned in going to the classes with Mike,,, was NO matter what, your child will "long for" positive male attention. doesn't matter what age, race, gender, ETC..
they (we) all long for acceptance and love from THAT "father figure"
So what really "stuck" with me was,
trying to surround your child with as many POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODELS as possible, creates all kinds of "channels" for them to get that acceptance/attention/love they may or may not be getting from their Dad...... UNCLE is a great example.... So let's say ten years down the road, Sam is really "torn" on something, or some decision, I want NUMEROUS people around that he feels "connected" with and safe enough to share/ask/learn from.
There's no denying,
anyone would rather their child talk to someone (anyone) than make a decision leaving permanent results in it's wake.
I'm in NO WAY the "perfect" parent.... and MANY people have issues with my parenting STYLE..... And that's okay, I really don't care how YOU or anyone else raises YOUR CHILD...
I guess my POINT would be;
Sam is really LUCKY to have so many people in his life, who love him. Not to mention would catch a bullet for him, any day.
for taking his "role" seriously...... that eases SOME of my concerns regarding Sam's teenage years.... LOL
(of course not all of them! but it at least helps) 
Looks like he's waiting to become a father, until he feels ready, willing and able to handle that kind of responsibility. Well I don't think anyone can "prepare" for being a parent. I THOUGHT I prepared myself, very well for it... HA!!! Boy did I have a freaking SHOCK COMING..
It's so overwhelming, consuming and rewarding ALL At the same time.

Mike is taking his ***DRIVING TEST ***
 on Monday morning.    Yes,, PLEASE wish him the BEST of luck to pass. . . I've already told him (expressed) I wouldn't be mad/disappointed/upset if he does NOT pass, since at least then he'd know WHAT he needed to study more, or what at least to expect next time..... I do sincerely hope he passes it though.... Financial ISSUES are what plagues MY worried mind the majority of the time, nowadays. . . . 

he told me--- ""it was JUST what I've been wishing for momma. thank you SOOO MUCH. I love you""
That made all the hassle, lists, stress, letter to the PO (including guest list w/phone numbers) , WORTH EVERY SECOND......
His eyes were so bright that night...
I followed through with ALL of the little requests he made to me,,,,,, Like he specifically asked for a "number five candle"
and REAL CANDY for the goodie bags........  LOL
these things are a BIG DEAL when you're turning five!!!
I just invited the people we see all the time, the kids he plays with quite often, and his best lil bud, Kyle, wasn't able to make it because of plans/reservations they had to make MONTHS in advance ... I'm guessing that' the ONLY thing that would've made it even better for him.
I'm feeling quite PROUD of him, do you know this kid hugged EVERY PERSON who brought a gift, as I helped him open them?
he would pick one to open, I'd tell him who it was from, and he'd RUN OVER to them, with his arms stretched open. 
he'd say, HUGS!!! and thank you SO MUCH for the present!!!!
Then, RACE BACK OVER to the present, and TEAR IT OPEN!!!!
First time I've ever seen a kid,
THANK every person that bought them something, BEFORE he opened it...
C'mon, that MUST MEAN I'm doing SOMETHING RIGHT!!!???!!???
I'm relieved, and elated......
that he had SUCH A GREAT BIRTHDAY..... One for him to remember, for sure. you know,,, he's my only child, and my brother (that lives here) doesn't have any yet (and leads no hope of anytime soon/and that's ok!)
Our other brother and sister live a few states away. There IS more grandkids, there but they don't get to see each other NEARLY as often. So, my mom and grandma buy quite a LOT of stuff for him,
any day that ends in "y".... Which don't get me wrong, I would too!! But when Sam is pulling my arm off my body NEEDING this $10 toy and I only have like 7 bucks or something to BUY WHAT WE NEED WITH,,, I have NO choice but to say,"" No Sam,
I don't have the money.""... He doesn't like that answer, let me tell you!! Don't believe me??? I'm formally inviting any "doubters" to Come to the store with US some time.
ONe of my friends, will NEVER accompany Sam and I again, in a store because of how he behaved on ONE SHOPPING TRIP...... that was just a "normal" supermarket trip for ME...... I kinda realized how CRAZY he really becomes... like he's possessed !!!!!!
MY WHOLE POINT, before I got sidetracked was.......
Mike and I got him a "big toy" set, and two small gifts, for his birthday. when Sam asked,
who bought that BIG ONE right there?
I answered,   ""that's from me and your Dad.""
he says 
""WOW I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!! You got that for ME???""
I think he's starting (just barely) to realize us buying something like that IS A BIG DEAL FOR US,
and it's special.
I didn't think that was possible, with "nana and grama" so easily out-doing me.... But it's really cool, that it DID HAPPEN. 
That was the first thing he wanted to open when we got home, too. what a LONG day... but there's NO DOUBT in my mind, it all paid off 
one more thing,
it was a very big deal for Sam to have his Dad at his party... With the family, WITH his friends present....  I can't remember if I already said, I "submitted" three options of a birthday party to Mike's supervising officer, asking for her to "pick one" and look over the guest list,
because we'll change whatever necessary for Mike to be able to BE THERE FOR HIS SON's BIRTHDAY..... well I was absolutely SHOCKED when she gave the okay. And, yes she chose the place, time, and looked over the guest list. Furthermore I provided every one's phone number and explained this is close friends and family only, whom all know of EVERY SINGLE THING that's gone on since January and are still more than comfortable coming. You can even call and ask if you'd like or talk to them about anything else you may be concerned with. They also all know how HORRIFIC Mike's  consequences would be if the rules are broken. 
for once in ten months, 
she said YES to something.
I had totally prepared Sam for a "small dinner with Daddy at gramgram's"
and him not getting permission to attend his party. So, that made it that much more AWESOME when his Dad shared the news with him that he could go!!!
***A great time was had by all***

My "parenting style" lately.....
is probably unlike anything you've ever heard of.......  LOL
I've learned that POSITIVE comments/actions/encouragement go MUCH farther than ANY discipline could ever HOPE FOR......
On top of that,
I'm just as honest as I possibly CAN BE, (to an extent of course).
but I often hear criticism for being TOO HONEST.
I certainly don't want to fill his head with the notion that life is all candy and roses... Because it's just NOT.... and it surely is not FAIR, either. After all,,, my "job" is to prepare him for the "real world" and how to MAKE IT,,,,, right?
how PREPARED would he be, if I filled his head with BS ?
that's what I said to myself, too.
anyone who's been around a 4 or 5 year old KNOWS the questions....
"how does it do that"
"why are they doing that"  "oh... WHY"
"what's this? what's inside? WHY?"
"yeah, but WHY?????"
I DON'T KNOW!!!! is my reply after 45 of them.
Yes, I keep my patience THAT LONG... I even counted his questions in a row, before I just could NOT take it anymore....
Sometimes, or I guess most of the time, RIGHT BEFORE , I'm at my boiling point...  I say, OKAY you've used up all your "why's" today"
he used to get mad, now he takes a deep breath, a long SIGHHH
and says,
Okay momma
ha ha ha ha YESSSSS
Anyway,,,,,  I'm doing my best to prepare him for the future. he knows the difference between traffic tickets and crimes, that their are misdemeanors and felonies, probation and parole, and of course a whole ton more than that. But that's the example I wanted to use of WHY and HOW honest I am with him.
Of course,
I do not give inappropriate details, it's all due to him coming up with his very own questions, and me just answering.
Oh, and things like when he refuses to wear his seat belt, I say, "we can't afford a ticket so you're gonna have to wear it!!"
the questions ROLL from that point on...
Sam's favorite thing to do right now is "play pretend"
so I'm not saying he doesn't dream big, still. I even play along because he gets SO EXCITED when I do..... and giggles... he gets these uncontrollable giggles like I did, and still do sporadically.... and it just makes me laugh SO MUCH.... it's so entertaining to me... I could be having the roughest day ever, and he giggles like that?! it feels like everything is GONNA WORK OUT, somehow.
Maybe those giggles are my 'drug' these days. I certainly play with my son instead of doing housework, sitting on facebook, or taking part in some heated debate,,,  among other hobbies.....
Playing pretend or tonka trucks with him is SERIOUS business... You think when your life ends, people will remember how successful (or not) you were Socially and Financially. 
Then a few more years pass, and maybe some shitty things happen, 
the ONLY thing you'll leave behind when your life ends, is the memories others have of you. (or don't)
I can remember my Mom being silly, and having fun with us. Things like spraying us with the garden hose, when we were just walking by (and laughing her ass off) Or, turning the hot water on while your in the shower til it turns ICE cold on you for a second... Yes, she laughed then too! Another one would be, wise cracks that make you laugh so hard you'll pee your pants, when your trying to be SERIOUS with her....
that's how I want Sam to think of me.... I know NOW,,,, I was a challenging child......  but she still held a high enough value on playtime that we got plenty of it. some parents are WAY TOO SERIOUS for me these days... I mean, really.... wiping every surface down your kid touches with bleach, only makes them get more severe illnesses LESS often... I'd rather Sam have a continual cold for a year, than spend two weeks in intensive care.... I swam in  a river you're "not supposed to" all while growing up.... Most of the kids in the neighborhood did as well.
Choose your battles.
And choose wisely....
That's my point, and it's also my ONLY advice on parenting. You do that, and you'll already have 75% LESS FIGHTS with your child.
I'm comfortable in my "own skin" with who I am today, what my skills (and weaknesses) are, I'm empathetic towards others, and very non judgemental. . . . if Sam gets to adulthood,
and possesses all these things mentioned above,
I'd me more than satisfied with my parenting skills/abilities/style....
These days,
You just get NO HELP from society with this stuff. It's all about Internet dating sites, googling family members, Fitting in to this image society/pop culture paint as beautiful,  and being successful at everything you do.......
Truth is, if you're successful with EVERY ATTEMPT at something new-
you don't learn anything....  Anyone knows, when you "mess up" while trying your best not to, you learn how that won't happen again!!!  
I guess my point is,
figure out what's important to YOU, and keep it close.
Cherish every moment. . . It's then, and only then you create serenity.

you'll experience true serenity

Is my "quote" for this week......

that's one recent lesson I learned.... Lowering expectations, ensures you won't be disappointed..... You're always pleasantly surprised, instead...

Okay, I've written on this every day for almost four days.
So, I'm getting tired and 
THIS IS A WRAP........ hope you enjoyed the UPDATE,,
and enjoy some pictures, too.
as ALWAYS,,,, a big huge thank you to all you guys who help me through each day.... who listen to me VENT when I need to, that put up with my sad country songs when I'm depressed, last but not least..   You LOVE and ACCEPT me for who I am.... 

Mom and here challenging child...... LOL

Dad and Me.. I mean Papa and Mom***
My Mommy and my goofy-ass smile

Cheyanne and I below
                                                                                      Sam and his "haul".( the blanky was from me)

The Birthday Boy & his GUEST of honor....

Tearing into those packages, like I mentioned...... He'll be a PRO on Christmas this year!!!

         <<<<     the PARTY.....

the FAMILY.... yes, Sam is JUMPING up and down, while we're trying to take a photo together.....

SNOW on December 6th.... Highway 101 just North of Camp Rilea , South of Home Depot

                    What it looked like out my Front door..... about 8am

Sam decorating the tree, Thanksgiving night.... my rule was AFTER thanksgiving.... he said, we had turkey dinner so "its all over"   TIME FOR THE TREE!!!

The famous UNCLE WILL

 he IS pretty cute,,, right? LOL
My evil twin....                  me and grams >>>>

 Here ,,,, we have a LOVELY example of Sam having a fit, cuz you have to be still for a photo....
gotta love'm

Saturday, November 16, 2013

past, present and future.....

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Well there’s quite a lot to cover, here……
Things are going well in general.
They weren’t a couple weeks ago, which is why I waited to do an entry.
The most important thing I have to say, is it’s ALL calmed down , now.

ohhhhh another birthday, ALREADY?????
Well just family dinner and a few close friends... I don't want anything big or stressful..... Some people think, what's stressful about someone else throwing YOU a big party??
well when your uncomfortable in social situations like I am,,
it's ALL stressful.....
Anyway,, it will be great just to hang out with the family and my friends for awhile...

++++++Sam man's birthday!!!!
it's coming up!! my baby will be FIVE years old!!
I can't believe it...... but it's happening... so the ATTITUDE.... it's coming for sure...
We went to the ENT specialist a week or so ago, (ears/nose/throat)
he MAY have fluid behind his ears, and since his hearing has been on ongoing issue, he's getting tubes in his ears..... I know, I know... it's ALWAYS scary to have your kid need ANY procedure..
but if it's going to help him be more successful in life,
well I just HAVE to give him the best "shot" I can.... I'm going to have his part on the 7th, since his pre surgery appointment, is on the 4th of December... 
I've already been talking to him about it, and he's already SUPER excited... just like a kid should be for their birthday...

this time of year is HITTING me hard this year.... I mean I'm usually one of the weird ones looking FORWARD to the holidays... this year, it reminds me of all the  BULLSHIT that went on last year, without my knowledge really,, and of course everything else that's come since then...
I wouldn't recognize my life,
a year ago if I had a crystal ball to "peer" into the future.. NO WAY.
I'm a different person, now too... in certain ways.
I definitely have my "guard" up almost always,
not trusting any kind of law enforcement/officer of any kind. UNTIL they show me I should trust them. Life is certainly more challenging, 
but easier in some ways, too.
It's been hard to not get a little depressed though... being sad for a short time, and depressed are two different things to me...
I let myself be "sad" or reminisce BRIEFLY,,,, and then I try to pick myself back up, but it's harder right now than it was let's say a month ago. I think I'm dealing with it all rather well, though.
Sam needs good holiday memories,
and that's what I really need to remember. I know this situation is NOT of my doing, but on the other hand it certainly  NOTHING is his fault, either.  He definitely didn't "pick" his father, I did. So I'm going to make DAMN SURE he does get those warm childhood memories, that every kid needs(and should have)
I keep telling myself,
that 2013 just wasn't "my year" and that 2014 will be a whole BUNCH better... cuz just like when I have a really rough day,, chances are the next day won't be so bad.
You just cannot have two "bad years" in a row ,, can you?
*&^% I hope not!!!!

*****WORK... work at last
I started a new job, temporary of course, last week... thanks to a good friends' significant other.. that sure feels nice... for ONCE I'm the one that "someone knew and called" and didn't miss out on a job because of that... LOL...... actually it's a HUGE RELIEF To be working just a couple weeks, if that's all it turns out to be.. that's fine. We found out mike is Not getting paid for his training time and although he just has the driving test to do,, he won't be making a paycheck until afterwards...
he's still getting paid for the weekend work, but it's nothing close to sustaining one person, let alone three people. So, THANK GOD for a little bit of work.

*****about jail*****
So on Friday the 18th, Mike went to county jail for 13 days.
It was all the WAITING that was the worst.
in my last entry,

It was actually that very day, that I wrote where I got my check from the Concrete company I was working for. That morning I asked Mike to meet me there, next door to the daycare center. That way I could pick him up, after dropping Sam off. I had called the secretary and let her know, he’d be there to get my check, and I’d be picking him up shortly afterwards. what happened in a nutshell, was someone turned him in for being too close to the daycare, either someone driving by, or someone from the daycare itself. It doesn't really matter WHICH, because what's done is definitely done.
Mike's PO called later that day, and questioned him about being AT the daycare. He of course said, no, I stuck up for him too. I explained to her exactly what had gone on, and she got off the phone REAL FAST.
She told Mike they would discuss it on friday at their usual "meeting" time. 
Later in the week, the day before, she called and changed the time from 8 in the morning, to 330 in the afternoon.
Now, I knew from previous friends of mine going out there, that you do NOT want to check in at probation, on friday afternoon, EVER.
But, I didn't want to "jinx" it, and I definitely didn't want Mike to be thinking, he wasn't going to show. So, I took him out there, and when she didn't let me "go back" with him, like I had asked to previously, I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. As a warrenton cop pulled into the parking lot, right next to my car, I got a WORSE feeling yet.
I don't need to give anymore details than that, I guess.
He was taken away, once again, ripped from the fabric of our family, and now from the job he'd JUST gotten, and that I had just spent most of my paycheck, insuring he could keep.
Did the PO care about that? NO... of course not... she rejected two job offers he had previous to that, so why should she care....
Anyway,,,, the only conversation I had with her that day,
was me pleading that two weeks was a LONG time for him to keep a job he'd only been at a few days, that I wasn't working (or getting unemployment) and did she understand HOW BAD that screwed up my financial outlook.... Yeah, she said she has a job to do, and he broke a rule. As always, she just repeats the same answer, over and over.
I realize Mike "broke" a rule... I do.... I didn't know that was one of his rules, didn't realize it at the time, when I asked him to help. We've had the discussion about him needing to remind me, if I ask him to do something that will get him in trouble.
Court wasn't until the 29th of October, and Mike was released the next day, I'm not sure why since the PO wanted him to serve 14 days and no less.
The judge told him, if he is in the courtroom for ANY reason AGAIN, during probation, that she will NOT HESITATE, he's going to prison for his suspended sentence of 27 months. In his paperwork, it says he'll serve it day for day, no "credit" for good time, NO alternative programs, ETC ETC. basically what it says is he'll serve EVERY HOUR of the time. 
I think the almost two weeks he spent in there DID do some good on scaring him. Certainly, I have tried telling him how incredibly close prison time is, and I'm not sure he believed me. Now he does, but maybe this is what it took to get there.

****Mike's Job****
Furthermore, somehow by the grace of God, or I don't KNOW how, he was able to KEEP HIS JOB...... He's got his class A permit now, and is driving log truck.... He is still having someone else ride with him, until he's ready to take his driving test. But the AWESOME thing is, his boss it totally more than willing to help him... with the class A, and with the probation. I had the chance to talk to him the Friday after He was arrested. I assured the man, if he were to wait and give Mike a chance, he wouldn't regret it. Only because I know Mike's always wanted that kind of job, a job driving log trucks, since he got his CDL back in 2003.
Well this whole two week lesson, has certainly made him appreciate the job, he's "gung ho" about going to work. He's even still working on weekends, washing trucks just as he started out.
I'm really glad he's walking with his head UP again. . . It's certainly a welcome change. 

it was great... Sam went trick-or-treating with his little buddy from school, Kyle. 
Over the last couple months, I and Kyle's Mom have figured out, they are in all the same classes, at the daycare center, Head Start, and ESD.  They even get to ride the bus together. Now, that its winter time, grandma and I discussed putting Sam in some swimming lessons. There's a couple different reasons but the biggest being so he can get some of his energy out!! Plus he needs to learn how to swim, so it's perfect. What's more perfect, is Kyle is in the same swimming lessons!!
I will admit it's nice having someone else to visit with, an adult above all else, while Sam is swimming for the half hour he's there. 
Anyway, they both had a great time, and both tired out about the same time. 
The first pumpkin Sam and I carved, rotted within a week, and the second one, we didn't carve until just a few days before Halloween. He was much more involved than last year, of course. It just amazes me how independent he gets, as the days go by.
I really hope and want his future to be bright. The fact that kids can dream BIG, and when they put their mind to it, and have a good "foundation" to make that leap,,, they really CAN do whatever they want to,,,, almost anything IS POSSIBLE,,, if you work hard enough... I think?
I hope so.

***Healthy Families program***
well Mike and I attended a seminar aimed at Fatherhood, and how to be a better father, among other things. It was ALL day, from 9am to 5pm. Thankfully my Mom and Dad watched Sam, so I could go along with Mike. All the information fliers, stated couples (especially separated co-parents) were "encouraged" to attend.
I'm actually glad I went. Mike and at the very least learned some different techniques on communicating effectively. It was really good for both of us, I think.
It certainly felt like Mike hearing that he NEEDS to be there, as a father, and role model for his son, from someone else besides ME, was really a kick in the ass for him.
the last few visits, 
Mike has certainly been much more "in tune" with Sam, and pays attention to his stories,
pretends to be interest, plays along with his imaginary games (restaurant, sword fights, spider man, etc!).... Mike used to read to him every night, and sing him a song as he fell asleep, PRIOR to january. After that well he just plain couldn't see him for months and months. then, Mike kinda was so ashamed or embarrassed, I'm not sure, he just didn't want to "interfere" very much. I'm really glad to see that's changed, I'm even MORE happy that Sam has noticed. to Sam, Mike is his hero, and I'm sorry we are only kids for a SHORT time, so I'd never want to change that for him, or do anything to "spoil" that. I'm positive Samuel will form his own opinions on both his parents eventually...... LOL
and that "view" 
will change drastically when he has KIDS OF HIS OWN........

Well that's about it for this entry...
A good catch-up post this was, I hope.
as always,
thanks to ALL OF YOU that support me, and help me and all the GREAT STUFF you know you do. Even when you don't realize you're doing something great for me, you probably are.
you know, it's been THIRTY MONTHS, TWO DAYS, and going strong (today anyway!)

Thanks for listening to my never-ending pool of thoughts 

here's Sam man and his new adopted kitten.
yep that's ALL WE NEEDED,,,, another mouth to feed!!!
how do you say no, though?
I cant do it!!
NOW I know what my Dad meant when he'd YELL ,,
anytime we saw ANYTHING stray..........
(sorry Dad.... I didn't know!!!!)

 here's Mike and Sam's silly string fight...
priceless memories for both of them.....

Sam man and Me, halloween..........................................................................

 Sam and Kyle, getting candy...
and spooked a bit...
 a zombie and a super hero!!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

29 Months...insignificant??? not a chance

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Well there’s a reason, my last post title said,
“everything’s A-ok, , , for a minute”
Apparently, these days, I can “feel” the next catastrophe coming. I guess I should be able to make sure and deflect whatever I can!!!
Well there really IS a lot to catch up on.
I’ve been in a FUNK lately…..

****TODAY IS 29 whole months****
I've made it through some storms I never saw coming.... things I never imagined I'd have to deal with ..... SOBER..... and "aware" of my feelings.... I mean, who the hell decided feelings and emotions were important????
HA!!!!!!  what a joke...... It's still very uncomfortable, dealing with my feelings sometimes, but I'm getting there,,, I know I'm making progress,,,, and that's what counts!!!!
Doesn't seem like that much time has passed... some days I guess it does feel like a million miles away,,,, definitely feels like a whole OTHER person, other than myself. Today I'm definitely Myself.... Most days, anyway :-)
when I first stop using,
the "lines" were very BLACK & WHITE....
I'd tell myself, NO do NOT stop in the aisle and talk to that person, IF you want to stay clean.... and I'd walk right past them, as they said my name, or whistled, or sometimes even STARTED TALKING..... I changed my phone number, for instance. I cut OFF all communication, every way I could. 
it's a bit more complex........
I want to HELP OTHERS,,, I want to show someone, the "way" I got better. That you really CAN do it, if you want it bad enough, if you ask enough people for help. In asking for help, I'm meaning "hey I'm (insert # of days clean) today, Isn't that great, or can you believe it, or I just wanted to share, because I'm trying really hard, and its difficult. a person would certainly be AMAZED at how many people give you a POSITIVE response, or even a little bit of strength. I'm not saying every single person you say this too will pat you on that back or buy you an ice cream cone!!
I'm saying the vast majority, WILL though.
And that's what helps. that's what HELPED ME. . . the smallest bit of acceptance, goes a really long way. 
If I'm suddenly around a large number of people. well LARGE to me?? is more than TEN...... ha ha ha
I'm never sure if I still belong HERE or THERE or step back to THEM . And, it’s hard to explain. Maybe sometimes I don't want to give up my "druggie" friends. Some of them I really kinda miss. There's something to be said for someone you KNOW has your back. I'm not talking about when the cops raid the place, and your "friend" is looking at 5-8 years upstate, I'm saying if someone, tried to hurt you or someone close to you, they'd step in the way and pounce. THAT'S having some one's back in "real" life. 
Anyway,,,, my "point" if I had one,
was the lines get more and more faded as time goes on. And I'm not sure what "side" I'm supposed to be on. But, I will give myself a little credit, and say that at least there's more than ONE group, I can stand with.

***about the suboxone***
To be totally honest, 
I thought I'd be off suboxone, by now. I thought I'd have this whole "sober" thing WHIPPED, packaged, and hanging on a shelf in my living room. It confuses the HELL outta me, when someone says the can get "high" or catch a nod, off suboxone. I've already said, many times over, never ONCE, did this happen to me. IF It had, that's all it would've taken for my family to NOT believe, I was being honest about my sobriety. 
In all the reading and asking I've done, it seems to me, people who have NO TOLERANCE to opiates, will get more SICK, than "high" ; like vomit, nausea, sleepiness, etc........  then there's the other peeps that "binge" on it, which is the same thing, letting your tolerance go down, then taking a bunch, etc. 
I cannot go "without" mine, so NO worries there.... I'm just not "me"
in more than one way. Basically, I'm still taking two a day, or 16mg, and I'm really not concerned about tapering anytime soon. Least not til things CALM DOWN again, and for awhile.... Unless of course one day, I just "decide" to , well that could always happen, too.

***Officially UNEMPLOYED***
So the shop CLOSED permanently, on Friday September 20th. Yeah, it was a sad day, for sure. But, I figured something like that was going to happen, sooner or later. 
It was sad loading all my tools I had slowly collected over the two PLUS years I had driven there five days a week. It was sure sad, saying bye to the very place who helped me GET ON MY FEET.  I do believe things happen for a reason, and I do believe when one door closes, another one opens, or sometimes even TWO.....
I was absolutely LOYAL to my boss, and I never would have "quit" so I guess something like the place closing is what would HAVE to happen, for me to move on.  I didn't work the first week after. Then found out my unemployment was being denied, because I was getting partial unemployment while working, the last six months or so. To make a painfully long story short, I "turned down" work offered, even though it was part time, and further away. After the appeal and stuff, I realized I should have reported it like they said, and lost a week or whatever the decision would have been. So, anyway, not getting that. The next job offer I had was for a concrete contractor. Well of course I took it. Ended up working a week for him, and I think we had some communication issues, or something? To be perfectly honest, I dunno if I quit, or got fired , even. . . Oh well , it turned out to be a week's pay, which I got yesterday and payed ONE bill, so off we go again, on the HUNT. . . . . I've applied for quite a few jobs, and even ones that are 50 or so miles away. If I could work something out about working four tens, well that would be damn near perfect. 
the GOOD NEWS IS.....
Mike got a job, with a trucking company. At this very moment, he is only washing trucks on the weekends. (he started last weekend) BUT, the owner offered to help him, or let him get his class A commercial endorsement. He already has the B, and just never got a chance (maybe never took it) to get the next one. So, today I took him and did a few errands getting that in order. Tomorrow he has two more things to do, and he can go back and talk to the owner. I was really proud of him two nights ago, would have been his 2nd day, he told me the owner asked , "have you been in trouble with the law" He answered him fully, completely, and honestly. Apparently, he said he was willing to work around it, willing to work with him and his supervising officer, if he continued to work hard. Now, I'm going to hold my breath, but Mike seems happy, and like he at least has a "chance" in hell.
For his son's sake,
and for his OWN sake,
I hope he can do well, and keep the job. . . He'd be working 14 & 16 hour days, driving. When he told me that, I said yes, but the Money to go WITH that, and look at it this way,,,,,
what an EASY way to get through two more years of this probation!!!
He agreed. . . . . . . . And I said, Time will Tell. . . . I did explain to him, that working equals trying to me, and he'd be alot closer to my "good" side, then he'd been in a very long time, if he were to keep it. . . . So keep your fingers  crossed. He's taking his permit test in the morning.

***Sober & Single  Parenting.....*****
Not the easiest thing in the world.......
but manageable..... MOST of the time....
Let me tell ya, I have MY MOMENTS OF PURE INSANITY.........
pure freaking MELTDOWN.......
But,,, I pull it back together, and keep going..... People say, I don't know how ya do it. I don't know HOW you have so much patience with him. 
I don't know either some days!!!!  Oh, that's a joke............ (mostly.)
These days I'm stressing about a JOB..... a hopefully GOOD JOB... would be nice. But not one where I have to do something like pour concrete every single day, in the rain. It's NOT that I'm above that work or ANYTHING like that, DON'T take me wrong,
It's that I feel so much more CAPABLE these days.... I know I'm capable of sooooooo much more. That's a great place to START... and it's even a great place to start for the people that LIKE DOING IT... but it's just not MY PLACE anymore..... at least I don't want it to be....
In all  reality,
if I don't find something soon, I'll have to take ANYTHING I can. So, better not hold my head too high, eh?
Mike working takes off a LITTLE pressure, 
but there's always a fear in the back of my mind 
of him being ripped AWAY at ANY GIVEN MOMENT..... and 
which, he'd have to start the whole probation mess ALL OVER AGAIN.
But that's a harsh reality,
of where he is in life right now, 
and why I have to keep some distance. not to mention the simple fact, we just CANNOT be together, for at least a couple more years.

It upsets me sometimes, how the public, when they
hear "sex offender" they 
AUTOMATICALLY think it's linked to children...... Why do so many people NOT realize, it's not? ? ? ? 
I may never know the answer. And, I'm definitely not saying "all sex offenders have a bad wrap"
I'm saying how much DO YOU trust our judicial system??
do you honestly think, every one's created equal???

Yep.... that's what I thought. 
I'm guilty of those ideals, too. Before all this mess happened. . that's why when some one's getting that LABEL, that you care about, it's so damn scary. Just because someone, makes a mistake, it doesn't make them a bad person.
Shouldn't matter,,,
if the mistake is USING DRUGS,
Driving too fast, Or being flirtatious with someone they didn't "read" right, or even a vengeful person. 
I'm really irritated about......
the state, or county or court system not "caring" about a lot of what's happening. but ESPECIALLY when I ask for marriage/parental counseling, for both Mike and I. They all either ignore me, send me elsewhere, or say "My hands are tied"
Okay, why is that??? I mean, let's face it, they are getting a WHOLE LOT of money, to NOT be able to do anything... but I tell ya what...
If I were there saying something NEGATIVE about "my child's father"
something would be done IMMEDIATELY... I just don't "get" how that helps ANYONE...... So,,,, I guess WHEN we can afford it, we'll go to counseling TOGETHER< and as a FAMILY, too. but we'll be PAYING OUTTA POCKET for it. Which FINE,,, because I think it's THAT much of a priority... If there were such a thing, as a a "mental" emergency counseling office,,,
I'd be there, every day probably.
Just because, this WHOLE MESS< has been almost a year. . and they can say whatever they want to ..... Mike has a CHILD. and that child will NEED HIS FATHER.... it's not like, Mike had nothing to do with him. but I could rant and rave til I'm BLUE... they still don't care... They still "can't do anything" and it really pisses me off sometimes....

Guess I've rambled on enough for one night.......
Hope I said everything I meant to. Couldn't count the number of times I started a post, and deleted it. Think it's just been my mood lately. I'm definitely feeling a little "lost" ....... in ..... translation.....
to be continued.......... promise it won't be so long in-between.......

The twice-weekly visits, are going well.... really good for both of them.....

 Sam got a guinea pig a couple weeks ago.....
thanks to NANA, and a good deal on a "habitat"
(was called a cage in the 80's) from PENNY WISE,, we were able to get it for him... it's been really great for him, he loves her so much!!! And FRITZ doesn't really mind.....

Monday, September 16, 2013

Everything's A-OK... for a minute....

I guess this is my return back to technology...
THANKS ONLY,,, to a very dear friend,,,, (you KNOW who you are!!)
That friend,,, is allowing me to long-term-borrow (lol) a laptop they had around, but weren't using...
MY Laptop, got returned to the place I was making payments...
when you're so behind they tell you, you have to give one of the following "back" or catch up the payments, laptop, washing machine, bed (mattress/boxspring)  yep,,, it's obvious which one I gave up.
NOW I've got another, with NO payments... NICE..... and I hope my friend just landed about a million "good karma" points!!!!
Okay, so there is quite a bit of stuff going on right now with me..
~~~last weekend~~~
I hate being sick!!!!!
ANY kind of sick, SUCKS........ It's also sort of a "trigger" for me, anytime I'm sick, or don't feel well.... Years ago, when I'd be "under the weather" I would just medicate myself until I didn't feel ANYTHING.... and talk about the PERFECT excuse, too. 
The last few days I've had a sore throat, and been kinda achy, all over. With Sam in daycare, and pre-school, it seems like I'm always fighting off something. So, I just thought it was yet another "mild cold"
For the last 27 months,
Anytime I feel like that, I just take motrin and/or tylenol and ignore it. Tell myself, "such is life"
and these are things people all over the planet deal with all the time, without even having motrin and the like.
I drove Grandma to Florence, to attend an informal type memorial for her sister, Millie, who passed away recently.
All morning, I didn't feel "that" bad, just had the sore throat. As the day progressed it got more and more difficult to swallow. This morning when I woke up,,,, I couldn't swallow without so much pain, my eyes watered!!!!
Hadn't eaten since the day before,,,,,,, So I knew THAT was a huge red flag. I just got done at the walk-in clinic, and although the "rapid strep test" was negative,,, the Dr. said it still COULD be strep, or it could be a variety of other things........... I'm not congested or sick really , just a headache, achy muscles and the throat issue. Oh, and there's some kind of spots or film over my tonsils, they are REALLY swollen and bright red....
I started the antibiotics late sunday afternoon,
and by this morning/Monday,,
I'd estimate I'm feeling probably 50% of "normal"  (normal for me!!)
All those "old sayings"
are true...... Like..
old habits die hard,
bad habits are the hardest ones to break,
You get so used to "handling" something a certain way,
it's really a pain in the ass to change your THOUGHT PROCESS.
I'm doing it.... Couple days ago, was TWENTY NINE months for me.
yeah,,, monthly mark, will be 30,, that will be exactly 
TWO AND A HALF YEARS,,,,, with no opiates..... 
No getting high, 2.5 years (almost!!)
My posts here have been so few and far between for a couple months,,
I cannot remember,
If I've said,  I always thought the first few months, maybe the first "year" would/will be the HARDEST, and then once that's over
it's all easy days ahead
I was  WAY OFF........... SURE, the first few months, days, whatever were definitely difficult, but NOW,,,, now they seem difficult in a different way, and "easy" in some ways. 
In those early days, I was still fighting off the sweats, shakes, muscle aches, painful joints, ETC... Not on a daily basis by the time 3 months came, but I'd say on a weekly basis, I would have around two "bad" days. When you're going through that, it's like a constant "reminder" of WHY you don't want to use again. Once all those physical symptoms are gone,,,,, so is the reminder.
the hard part, is NOT listening to my addiction's voice in the back of my head. 
Don't worry,
It's usually not anything I don't dismiss right away... I've done really well in the category of "change thought process" on cravings. Since my relapse prevention therapy,,,, everytime I'd think of using, I would think of ALL the BAD, too. After a couple months of that,
NOW, I think of ALL of it, when the thought crosses my mind.... and I'm telling you, it's not NEARLY as "romantic" as it once was.....
Yes,,, you read that correctly,
out of NOWHERE,,, Mike's probation officer granted visits, after NINE MONTHS,
of NO CONTACT... yep, that's right NINE MONTHS,
and yes, he's a registered sex offender now, but his 'crime' had nothing to do with a child, and I'll say it a million times, he was never even accused of penetration. and for that,
NINE MONTHS,,, he couldn't see OUR four year old son. After being forced to move out, have a whole BUNCH of restrictions, pay THOUSANDS of dollars,
270 days,
without saying "goodnight" or "goodmorning" to his son, whom he used to be involved DAILY with.
does that sound fair?
(end rant)
Moving on,,,
Two weekly visits, two hours each. 
We'll take it!!!!!
let me tell ya... *****huge sigh of relief*****
Maybe things will move in the right direction now?!!! I sure as hell hope so...
I'm meaning with Mike's probation, and him and his son's relationship.
What I think's funny......
how DRASTIC of a change this is, on just the "fly"
the PO was DEAD SET ON NO VISITS,, for the last NINE MONTHS,
and outta the blue, he gets papers last week saying otherwise???
sometimes I wonder, WHO my report got to, and WHO either called or notified that office, something was seriously wrong with this situation.
whoever it was,
There's still nothing new about Sam's hearing......
He went and had a bunch of tests done, the specialist had him "marked" at about 20% loss in the high-pitch range. But, his 'bone' test scores were a little higher. The specialist told me, that's a GOOD thing.
We are supposed to get a referral for I think OHSU, but I'm not positive, and I'm still waiting to hear something, ANYthing. Actually I should probably call them, and figure out what's up.
so I've been fairly happy in general, lately....
lately it seems like I can "see" my marriage from the outside, now. Something I wasn't capable of doing, while entangled in the mess. While I definitely still love him, and probably always will,,, there's a couple of bench-marks he's got to "hit" for me to even try...... And, I'm seeing a therapist for THIS issue too, and that has helped a TON... not only to help me process everything, but to help me figure out what the "next" step is, and how the hell I'm going to get there....
Maybe the most important thing this therapist has helped with, is HOW to be honest with Sam. . . . . Because he doesn't understand, yet. Sam was really starting to interrogate me about a month ago,,, every single night, he'd ask all these difficult questions, "do you still love my Daddy"  "can you let Daddy come home, I promise he'll be good"   Anyway,,, I did the best I could, as I always do, , , After seeing the therapist and discussing the issue again, I took the suggestion of explaining probation to him. So, I did!!!! and guess what?? he hasn't really asked MUCH, since. And, it's been over a month.
is exactly what I think, too. . . . . . . 
he seems like a very happy kiddo these days, I'd like to add.
VERY HAPPY.... means I must be doing SOMETHING right?!!!
that's it for now!!!
While I do not have a crystal ball to tell the future with,,
I should be back to regularly posting again
I'll attach some photos,
and until next time, be SAFE, and HAPPY... 
remember, you never know when the "rug" will be pulled right out from under you,so don't take anything for granted...