Saturday, December 29, 2012

Found out I lost 70lbs since my clean date, Im back on ADHD meds & a bit on general life today :-)

~~~~~~HAPPY SATURDAY~~~~~~
I'm finally back on my ADHD medication..... Probably a good thing, for the long run. 
Although, I've decided, I'm not going to take them on the weekends
UNLESS I have to work or something else is going on that I need to be "together" for.
I'm comfortable with WHO I am these days, 
So what if I'm a little bit scatter-brained among other things?
Sure, I don't sit still, and I'm always busy..... but I'm HAPPY.....
truly , completely HAPPY  and that's what is important, to ME.....
On the other side of the coin, I do need to be productive, at work and at least when I'm on the meds,
I can FIND my tools, KEEP my paperwork straight, REMEMBER the schedule,
things like that.
That's the compromise I and the Doctor came to Thursday. . . he was "okay" with it, although it's not
he says, , 
I need to remind you that your ADHD doesn't take a vacation on Saturday and Sunday.
well, that may be true, but I DO!!! (take a vacation)
he completely understands WHY it's so important for ME to prove to myself that I'm not 'addicted' or abusing them.......   I'm soooo scared of that, it's not even funny.
Being "pro-active" about it, is the ONLY way I can continue the "treatment" 
I guess if I KNOW it is possible to just "go without" then I'm not using them the wrong way,,,, or letting my addiction grow in any way, shape or form.........
these meds don't affect ME in a way that makes me WANT more, anyway,,,,,
which is definitely good, or I wouldn't be able to take'm in the first place........
The doctor has played around with when I take them, and how many milligrams,
when it went UP too much, I was terribly sleepy and groggy.....
I'm sure not interested in feeling like I need to hibernate a few months,,,,,,
which is my GUESS on how I'd feel.
Okay, my rant is over on that, now..... HAD to share it though,,, just had too.
Oh and let's not forget, while I was OFF the meds,,,
I WASHED and DRIED my cell phone,,,,,,,
broke a couple things at home, just by pure "reaction" when I got frustrated,,, didn't even realize I had done it, til it was ALL OVER WITH.......
I lost a customer's paperwork, honestly, more than ONE customer's paperwork
and I think I drove my boss just about over the edge, the last couple weeks..........
I ended up taking 16mg of suboxone, a day.... where the weeks before that, I was doing really well on just 8mg..... but when my anxiety comes back, the only thing I can think is I'm "medicating" the ADHD symptoms with suboxone,,,,, OR it's just the "impulse'' to take more ,,,,,,,
So, back to my "normal" I guess, now....
especially since I'm prescribed 24mg/a day.
My "addict" side, says, TAKE 24mg!! are ya nuts?? but anyone who knows anything
about suboxone, knows it does NOT work that way.
you don't "crave" more, because there's no euphoria, or anything else. Your just NOT craving the "real" opiates.........
I've probably explained that before, but I just like to talk about it once in awhile.....................
there's still so much negative attitude towards this medication...... but it really did save my life,,, I know it.
So, I talk to my doctor about everything else on Thursday, too. Taking less suboxone, 
when I'm actually taking my ADHD meds......
he wants me to try Strattera, next.... in ADDITION to, what I'm on now....
Only trouble is, it's about $250/month at just 25mg a day, which is a "starting" dose.
so let's say I need DOUBLE that,,, well then it's about $300.......
Not gonna happen with buying suboxone, already, and the other meds,,,,
Plus my husbands' prescriptions, Oh and let's not forget the garnishment!!
the dr. signed me up for some kind of assistance, where I can get the strattera for FREE.... Not sure how long, a year, or what, but hey, I applied.... we shall see what happens.
Oh,, yes, and speaking of assistance programs,
He applied me for the "here to help" program again, since it's now been over three months ago, that it expired.
I just turned in my part of the papers, on Friday, and now it takes something like 4-6 weeks, to "process'' the application...................
but, my doc said, if they DENY me, the first time we send it in, that we will just KEEP TRYING, and he'll have his assistant fax that paper in every single day, UNTIL They accept me...........  :-0
I was shocked,,,, and said, REALLY???
he says, "sure."  he explained that if that didn't work, he'd write a letter, saying he has no problem writing the generic suboxone to many of his "long term" patients, so if they can't help ONE, then he'll make sure they lose some business.
Well, that was even more shocking, that he cares that much......... I've never experienced a doctor that DID take so much time, with a patient........
He's definitely in the right "line of work" for how much he actually cares.
I once asked him if he, himself was an addict, he said No, but he EASILY could have been.  I'm not sure what that means, but my "gut" tells me he lost someone close to him, to addiction at one point or another.
he's lost many, many patients, to relapse, since he started prescribing suboxone in 2004.
BUT he told me it's well worth all the heartbreak, for the FEW that "make it"
Like I am, SO FAR!!!!!!
that felt good, let me say that much !!!  :-)  :-)  :-)
I'm just so glad we get along, he CARES, he works a little "outside" the system, and seems to be willing to put in the extra effort, ANY TIME..............  I was/am EXTREMELY LUCKY to have found him, WHEN I did,,,,,,
this being such a small area, AND of the situation I was in, 20 months ago.
well what can I say, this week, about work??????
It's STARTING to slow down, some...................
I have the second phase of one of the big jobs I did before Thanksgiving. . . It's around 40 doors. . . but I do have help, so that's a huge ,,, giant plus...........
The "big" boss, the actual owner,,,,
has been in and out, a lot more than normal, the last couple of months,,,,, so it's been nice to clear the air about some things,,,, SOME issues, I have with the General Manager.............
I told him about the GM telling me I had to be THERE, MORE,,,,, 
Pretty sure I wrote about in on here some place, about working a Monday and Tuesday, 13 then 14 hours...... the next morning, I WAY over-slept..... actually didn't even WAKE UP until 745am,,,, So by the time I got into the shop, it was 2minutes UNTIL 8am.........
he stops me right there,,,,
and says, why weren't you here, MUCH EARLIER????
I had to explain that it depends on Mike's schedule, what Time HE has to work,
he says,
"well I don't know what the hell that has to do with ANY thing....and you REALLY NEED TO BE HERE MORE, so WE can get this high priority stuff done and out on time"
At this point, I want to throw a brick at his face,
or maybe punch him in his teeth, and say "oh WE SURE DO, don't WE"
WE don't do a THING at that place, I DO....................
So, the OWNER,,,,,,
comes by, maybe two weeks ago, and we are talking about everything,,,,, it was RIGHT before I had that first Saturday off, after working almost two months of weekends, including my birthday, thanksgiving and the day OF my son's party.
HE made me feel a whole lot better about things,, He said over and over again, that he really appreciates everything I do, without me there, he'd be completely SCREWED,,,, and so on and so on...............
that felt really good.
he asked why I decided to stay, months ago, when I did find another job, paying $2 more per hour........... My answer was simple-----
""Sometimes, when you give someone a last, LAST chance, even when they DON'T deserve it, WELL sometimes it pays off, TEN FOLD..........""
I also told him I felt SOME loyalty to him and his business, for GIVING me that LAST , last chance, when nobody else in the COUNTY would.
I'd never just up and "leave" ---- that would absolutely screw his company up, he'd lose customers, which equals money;; and, a lot of it.
I do feel loyal to him, for helping me in some ways, to get back on my feet. For putting up with the ONCE a WEEK doctor's visits, the random drug screens, medication "counts"
and so on..............  Nowadays, I only go once a month, I was actually going every THIRD month, until I went on ADHD medication again.
I'm doing the every four week visits right now, until we figure out about the strattera,
and the here to help thing.
About family........
so we had family counseling, after Christmas..(just my husband, son and me)............  I'm actually glad we went. It was well worth the effort, many things got brought to the "surface" and it actually felt really good to get it UNLOADED from MY head!!!
that's ONE thing, I KNOW I have to continually keep 'watch' of,,,,
SHARING my feelings........... by sharing, the burden lightens a bit.
when your NOT used to feeling, ummmmmm   ANYTHING,,,, Its really important, to NOT get overwhelmed, that is a big trigger or MINE....... at least now I am comfortable recognizing what MY triggers ARE, and how to cut them off before they start.
I'm also doing better at sharing WHEN I do have cravings,,, when I feel a huge URGE to GET RELIEF from MYSELF,,,, well, I'm much better about telling/talking to SOMEONE.... it really doesn't matter WHO,,,, to any of you reading this.......
JUST SHARING the feelings, is the KEY.......... obviously having someone you TRUST to talk to , is a HUGE PLUS,,, but regardless, just talking and making sure to think of the negative parts of the drug, will help more than any other thing....
I used to NOT SAY ANYTHING to anyone when I'd feel the urge/cravings. 
I didn't want to disappoint, shame, or burden anyone else with MY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!
Plus,,, my husband, the first few times,, he got VERY WORRIED,,, like stressed out I was going to--- "fall off the wagon"    --and not get back on, or even COME HOME..... but I DID,,, every time,, SO FAR , so good.
I had another round of blood work done, a month ago, so I got the "results" of that test, thursday,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
the liver enzymes, were GREAT the doctor said, much better than my first three rounds, although they've slowly but surely been going UP,,,, Just recently, they are back in
"normal" range. . of a "regular" person,,,,,, NON -opiate/benzo addict.
ALSO,,,,, he made me get a Hep "c" test,{a and b, too} an HIV test, and I forget, but it was a super long list.  actually,,, I got ONE , in June of 2011,                                       and another last spring, but he kept saying it can take a                                          YEAR or MORE for it to "show" or turn  up in a test........................
Guess what???
EVERY SINGLE ONE, back 'normal'
Or as NORMAL as I CAN BE..................
ha ha ha ha ha
Seriously,,, it was a relief for the "serious" tests to be NEGATIVE..... who the hell wants to find out they've got a serious disease , once they've gotten clean???
NOT ME............
I'm pretty lucky to have come out of a really bad place, so well.... I mean, NOT on parole or doing jail time, No medical issues, besides my teeth of course.......
and we aren't going to discuss my memory or anything else like that.
:-)   :-)    :-)
My son is doing well,,,,,,,,,,, He is on "break" from head start right now, and I'm 
ever-so-patiently waiting for all those results, of his evaluations and other tests.
he's getting VERY TALL......... his feet, geeeeshh, he's GOT to GROW INTO those, some day!!!! his feet are BIG for JUST turning four, two weeks ago!!!
he's in between sizes right now, basically between a kids' 13 and a "youth" 1
for anyone with kids, YES< < < < his feet are that big.....
One thing, 
that's sorta funny,,,, maybe not,,,,, at his center, he goes to, most of the kids are Caucasian, ,,,,, this is a pretty small/rural area.....
Well, when he first started going, back in July, another boy started just a few days before he did...........
they are the same age, and were in the same class,,,,,, His dad is working at the Coast Guard, Astoria station............  And moved here from Florida, I forgot where,,,,,
So, "Jamir" is one of the ONLY black kids, in the entire center......(he may in fact be the only one)
Sam, and Jamir were best buddies right away, they actually had to put them in separate classrooms, two months ago since they were UNABLE to pay attention, 
when in the SAME ONE,,,,,,,,   he he he he  -----  (sound familiar mom?)
Anyways,,, My point here,
the teacher was telling me how "close" Sam and Jamir were, and how one doesn't go anywhere, without the other one.......
She complimented me on my parenting, 
and said, it's VERY OBVIOUS  we are a non-racist family,,,,, since they had already had "some problems" with name calling, and questions, when Jamir started.
I was shocked,,,,
and said, "really?, that's pretty sad"
she says, "yes, and you KNOW it's taught at this age, kids do not see each other differently, it takes someone else pointing it out,,,,,,, your doing great with him, and keep up the good work"
well, that's different, now isn't it??
Ha ha ha ha
I mean, the complimenting me on his behavior, in ANY way,,,,,,,,,   :-)
It made me a lil proud, I won't lie, that he is BEST FRIENDS with him and HAPPY at the same time, that he made at least ONE kid feel not alone, in this place. 
I can just imagine how scary daycare could be, for ANY kid, let alone a kid that JUST moved across the country,,,, PLUS being different then every other kid, THEN on top of that, they're mean to you..............
Oh, wait,,,,
that's what Jr. High was for me!!!!
we only moved from Seaside to Warrenton, but it may as well been the entire country!!!! It was NIGHT and DAY different.
School, wasn't easy for me, at all.............I've talked about that before, and I do not want to go into it again.......but I'm proud that at least SO FAR, I'm not raising a bully, or a "follower"
that can be scary,,, I'm sure, when your kid WANTS to FOLLOW along, with everyone else. . . . I always THOUGHT that's what I wanted, but I never did it.
they wouldn't have liked me then, either, and I knew that. Plus my mom was very supportive, of ME,,,,,, how I was, and didn't really care WHAT anyone else thought about it. She'd just say, , , , 
"the BEST I can hope for is for you to grow up and be a descent human being"
NOW I GET IT..........................I sure didn't then, but NOW I DO...... that's all I can hope for too.
so far, so good!!!!!
so,,,, 20 months,,,, 
another sober Christmas is in the books, and we are REAL DAMN CLOSE to another  New Year's in the books, as sober as well,,,,,,,,,,
One more thing that the Dr. brought up on Thursday, which was ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING to me,,,,, was in twenty months on suboxone, I've LOST OVER SIXTY POUNDS-------
Okay, you would think, I would KNOW that, right???
well,I really do NOT pay much attention to my 'actual' weight,,,, since getting off the methadone and getting my teeth fixed, , , I definitely eat a lot healthier!!
I started exercising a while back, because of stress and anxiety of all things......
and it HELPED, A LOT.... I had been getting stomach aches from HELL,,,,,,,
couldn't figure out WHAT was wrong......
so my addiction counselor recommended walking/jogging/biking something like that, to "rid" myself of my excess energy,,,, to help.....
I thought YEA RIGHT............
but I gave it a shot, since I was sooooo desperate.....
and it worked,,, really well actually!!! anyways,,,,,
I have noticed none of my jeans fit, I have to wear a belt with EVERYTHING ...... And I even wear pajamas UNDER my jeans when I'm working, since it's so very cold in the shop,   I have to KEEP the bay doors open during the day when I'm painting, because there is NO ventilation in that building, YET...(( Im working on the boss for it..))  
so,,,, I just thought, I was thinning out a bit, no big deal.... I DO feel a lot more energetic, healthier, ETC ETC ETC.
so, back to the appointment, , , he says, WOW,, that's a ton of weight,,, but you've "done it right" it's been average of 3-4  pounds a MONTH, or not quite one pound a week....
when people lose weight like that, they USUALLY keep it off. He adds that he bets half of it, was due to the methadone, I guess it REALLY slows some people's metabolism down, like a WHOLE LOT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and it makes you retain water....... whatever that means!! I know that I sure used to SWEAT,,, all the time when I was on it.... ALL THE TIME!!!
So, I got sorta sad, at first, when I left the office, I was like -----  I had NO IDEA I was that BIG,,,,,,,,,,,,, NO IDEA  :-0
after letting it kinda sink in, that I wasn't doing much of ANYTHING,,,, wasn't eating right, AT ALL..... or anything else for that matter,,,, I was more "okay" with it. Especially after what the dr. said..........
WOWSA,,, huh?
it's like 67 pounds or something..... basically two of my son!! no wonder I'm more energetic!!
had to add that, in there,,,, I will TRY and find an old and a new picture and post it at the bottom------
Sorry this turned into such a long post today,,,,,
they have been shorter and shorter lately, and I guess I just had a LOT to say!!!
As always,
thanks for reading. . . I hope I'm helping at least one person, or family, or 
addicts loved one, by writing this.
OR changing some one's mind about suboxone, , , Man, that would be nice, , for suboxone to be " seen"  for what it REALLY IS,,,,,, instead of called "diet methadone"
by some places........
Let me just say, it's NOTHING like it. . . . I could never lower a methadone dose, NOT even in the beginning... NEVER.............but I've cut my suboxone dose down 66%
that's got to SHOW SOMETHING doesn't it???
that there's over 50 at the pharmacy, right now,,,, since you can pick up one to whatever films you want. . . if it were ANYTHING that gave me ANY buzz, I'd do whatever I had to , to get them OUT of the pharmacy, and take, well, ALL OF THEM.........................
thanks, again.....................
until next time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,                                                                                                 ~~~~I hope  your journey leads you where you want to be~~~~~
If anyone would like to learn MORE about suboxone, please go to this website---
You can search for a doctor, Order a FREE education packet, and  a whole bunch of other stuff!!!  It's a great introduction to what suboxone/buprenorphine treatment is all about....... I ordered the packet when I first found the site, it was VERY helpful in explaining to others HOW suboxone works, how it blocks opiates, etc etc etc. they sent out a few different brochure-type articles on suboxone treatment, with pictures and everything of HOW it "plugs" the opiate receptors in your brain!!
OH, and here's a video, on HOW it does that-----------
It's only a minute and a half long, by the way=====

Okay, NOW I feel better leaving you tonight!!!


Above, is Thanksgiving, of 2010

                                               This one, is November of the next year, 2011
                                                 so I had already lost 20 or so pounds, 
                                                   Maybe more? who knows. . . . . . . .

                                           OKAY,, here's just one year ago, exactly!! 
                                (only a month later, than the one just above)  Christmas 2011

                                             Thanksgiving, 2012   yep, I see a difference, too

                                        Just the other day,,, Christmas 2012
thanks for following me!!!!  :-)

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