Sunday, December 2, 2012

After a 60hr work week, I get to spend a good day with my son

Hello friends, :-)
Just as the title says, I worked just short of sixty hours this week..... Monday to yesterday............
I did get off a bit "early" yesterday, compared to the REST of the week, because I had NO interest, in working til 5pm or 6pm..........I left about 330pm, got home about 430 after the pharmacy stop....
I wanted to go home, and spend time with my FAMILY...............I missed them, MORE than I can begin to say. I'm not even going to attempt it.......
Let's just say, I really missed my son, my husband, my grandma and my mom , too.
Because I worked the weekend of my birthday,
the weekend of Thanksgiving, and NOW was coming in EARLY and staying LATE pretty much EVERY day I could, I was just missing everything, BUT work..........
We have two big jobs, going on right now ,,, they are basically due at the same TIME............
And, NO HELP..........
actually I did get help, Friday........... A guy finally came in to help me, and Monday, I will have him and a TEMP too, so that SHOULD help.... I'm still going IN at 5am or so, just to be "safe"
Right now, there's no problem with getting AHEAD of where I need to be, so that's what I mean by safe.......
I AM going to take
a few days OFF around Christmas, I deserve THAT MUCH................
Right now, I have band-aids/tape on FOUR of my fingers, on my right hand..... they are just 
RAW and sore........ does not feel good when lacquer thinner gets in there!!!  That's when you KNOW you are working hard, when you have the skin rubbed/worn  down to where it bleeds......... in MORE than one place............
yes, and the "new guy" well, what can I say......... I don't think he "has" to work, like "us" parents do.....   he says he can make ALMOST as much, just sitting home and getting the unemployment......
Which I understand and all,,,, but if you WORK,,, and make LESS than your benefit amount, EVEN only ten dollars less, you STILL get almost the entire benefit amount, NOT to mention, you are putting IN to your unemployment, too...... what will you do if when it's "all over" 
there's NOT ONE JOB to be had..... then what????
Anyway,,,, I don't think he WANTS to be there.... He CANT BELIEVE I do everything I do, all by myself normally.................Oh and he said his feet hurt REALLY BAD, around 2pm,,,, I said, "mine too, cuz I've been here since 5:15 AM.................
i asked if he could work saturday..........Nope, he had plans... I understand that. NO BIG DEAL I tell him....
Can you come in EARLY Monday?????
Ummm I'll TRY..........
Doesn't sound too promising........ My boss asked me how he was doing, I said, he's doing allright......
Then he says,
"well, amber, the problem is, we could hire FOUR guys, and they wouldn't get ALL the WORK DONE that JUST YOU DO, in ONE DAY...........that's the problem"
:-)
I reply,,,, thanks for the compliment, but quit trying to "inspire me", Its not going to work!!!
~~~~~
My son's birthday party will be next saturday, at the indoor playpark...... I'm definitely EXCITED to give him his present, and see him have fun with his friends ,,,, from school.......
We are doing the "after hours" party this year, so that should be fun, especially for the KIDS............
I have to make a strawberry cake, sometime friday night, or saturday morning..... I'm thinking cupcakes, too.....
It will ALL WORK OUT................  My boss probably will NOT remember though, and then he'll be shocked, when I tell him I cannot work, LOL.........
I did tell him though,,,,,,,
more than once........
~~~~~~
Oh and last night, we went to Grandma's house. We hadn't been there, since thanksgiving, I think.... 
but MORE importantly,,, since I worked SO MUCH last week, TOO, I neglected MOST of my "chores" at her place...........So Saturday night, we ALL WENT as a family, and all helped her.... Sam vacuumed, Mike got out all the Christmas decorations, I cleaned up her kitchen, ETC ETC.....
I love how it shows Sam to HELP people, when we can, to do good deeds, just "because" 
And every other lesson you can think of, that goes with that........
It's just the things, that are getting to be too much for her,,,,
Or the LAST of the housework, she DOESNT get done, ya know.
Like the pots and pans, and putting away the dishes FROM thanksgiving dinner. she doesn't use her dishwasher much, so the dishes from our "big dinner" were CLEAN, but STILL In the dishwasher.
She says,
"oh Am, you do NOT need to do that"
I know grandma, but I WANT TO DO IT,,, and it'll take me ten minutes, so NO ARGUEING.
ha ha ha 
she didn't ..... I think it's just really hard for her, to ASK for help.... but if you JUST DO IT,,, she doesn't put up "much" of a fight.
And Sam had SUCH A BLAST going thru all the bows,and wrapping paper, and decorations with her!!!
it was really quite the "sight to see"
It feels great, to be able to HELP her a little bit, and make HER LIFE just a LITTLE BIT easier,
like she has, mine.
:-)
~~~~~~
Right now, We as a family,,,, are doing BETTER THAN EVER.............................really it's true.....
Our bills are paid, 
and we have food in the fridge, gas in the car...... 
It's great,,, really is.....
BUT,
ya know, I have to be honest.......
that's what this blog is FOR.............the real honesty...............
I still think about getting HIGH...................I still think about blowing a whole two weeks' pay 
on dope and "going for it"
Now, of COURSE I have NOT followed through on any of those urges...... so far.......
but, 
I guess I just thought it would be a WHOLE LOT EASIER by NOW, for sure.....
The long ass days at work, and my boss being totally OFF HIS ROCKER (if you ask me) by telling me, 
"you need to TRY and be HERE MORE"
on tuesday, REALLY put my head in a spin..............
Monday, I worked from 545am to 645 PM,,,,,,, Yes 13 hours.....
I didn't take a lunch, just a few smoke breaks....
and Tuesday, Mike had an early pick up, in the morning, so I had to take the kiddo to school, 
Which means, I can't drop him til 7am.
So, I didn't GET to work, until 730, and that's what set my boss off........
he just COULDNT understand, Why it mattered, what time Mike works, has to do with ME getting to work......... It's VERY apparent, that he did not raise his kids.....
I mean, maybe he did, when they were OLDER, and you can leave them to fend for themselves,,,,
I explained to him, exactly WHY it mattered................
Also, let him know that mike MAKES more than I do, so why would I have HIM miss work, for ME to work EVEN MORE hours????
And, I'm getting GARNISHED now, almost 30%
so REALLY, what the hell is in it for ME????????
but, I digress..........
back to my ORIGINAL thought,,,,,
Okay, so there are TIMES,,, where I miss the freedom I guess, of being a drug addict and having NO RESPONSIBILITY like I do, now.
Of course, I have to remember WHAT comes WITH THAT..... which is a whole LOT of bullshit......
And it's definitely a huge WEIGHT to carry around,,,
having an addiction, a habit like I did.
I know I've said this before,
but I have to tell myself, ALL THE TIME.......
How I was there, at the end..... how desperate I was, how hopeless, life-less, and everything else........
I MUST stay scared, of going BACK to that.
I HAVE TO REMEMBER, that is WHAT COMES with the "high"
No,
it's not nearly as fun, to remember it in that " LIGHT"  But it's definitely necessary.
So, 
yes, working a shit load, feeling guilty about being away from my son, and MISSING him so damn bad,
makes things a lil more rough......
But it's what I need to do, to keep my job going well/moving forward...........
Sam was SO VERY EXCITED when he saw me sitting in the recliner this morning, as he woke up....
he ran STRAIGHT DOWN THE HALL, with his arms stretched wide,
gave me just about the biggest hug ever and told me he 
"was sooo happy mommy didn't go to work"
Melted my heart, it really did.................
Oh, and for dinner tonight,
we went to Dairy Queen, I asked him what he wanted, he answered ICE CREAM and a hot dog!!!
So, that's what he got!!
I know that might not be the "proper" way,,, but it's MY way, especially since he only ever eats a 
few bites of ice cream OR candy, and all he had all day before that was an apple,
string cheese and some re fried beans.
So, YES, he got to have ICE CREAM and a hot dog for dinner, 
BUT more importantly,
He giggled himself silly, for five mins  after I handed the ice cream to him,
and told me he loved me about ten times!!!
That's what I wanted, him to have an EXCELLENT day WITH his MOMMY!!!!!
and that he did.................
We played pretty much all day.......I didn't get ONE chore done, but I figured, this precious time with him, is only taking place ONCE ,,,,,,,,,,,and housework, well, who even cares, right????
AND,
I can definitely say, since Mike and I changed our ENTIRE parenting "style" with him,
things have been much more smooth, at home........
sure, he still gets into things, mis-behaves and ignores me sometimes, 
but it's a HELLUVA lot better than it was, 
and he ACTUALLY sometimes, LISTENS................
We had a GREAT DAY together today,,,,,, 
and I'm really glad we did..... That will give me something to think about next week, when I'm working so many hours......
Hopefully it will make things easier on HIM, too.
I know last week was a lil tough a few days, for Mike and him at home in the evening....
Anyway....
it's been just how I wanted it.
I would have liked to see my mom sometime today, but I just didn't feel like going anywhere today,,,,
I stayed in my sweats , ALLLLLL day............
Mike told me since I worked enough hours for TWO full time jobs this week, It didn't matter I stayed in them all day.....................   :-)
AND,,, he did housework today...... NICE.......
So to sum up,
I had my SECOND clean and sober Thanksgiving, last weekend......
Almost 20 months of sobriety now.... and I'm on about a third of the dose, of suboxone as I started out on...... Roughly 8mg a day now..... Last week, there were a couple days, I took 12mg,
which is STILL half the dose, I started on.
But since Im paying roughly $8 each now,,,,
that's really as much as I want to be on. I know my doctor would like me to stay on 24mg a day,,,
he thinks I need it for one, and for two, obviously 24mg BLOCKS a whole lot more than 8mg does.
The important thing is, 
Im still ON IT, and putting my recovery at the TOP of the priority list........
We have GOT TO FILE the bankruptcy after taxes this year..............
I talked to a local lawyer here, two weeks ago, when I found out about the garnishment.
He said, might as well "take a chance" and see if we'll get a tax return............
Meaning,
SOMEBODY might garnish it, but they MIGHT NOT, too.........and, if we DO get a return, than we can pay for chapter 7 UP FRONT and get it all done & over with.........
If we were to file NOW,
then we'd lose any return, WITHOUT A DOUBT
Sounds like good advice to ME.............I just cannot wait to have a "fresh start" and ACTUALLY make our "credit" better,,,,,
since ya know ,,, all I've done is make things MUCH MUCH WORSE, the last few years, I was on pills...................
I'm really happy that Sam does NOT have some kind of cognitive disorder.....
However,
his appointments, are getting closer and closer for the evaluations,,,, which makes me more and more nervous...... not really nervous "about" the evaluations per say,,,,
More like nervous FOR HIM,,,, he just gets stressed ya know, in uncomfortable situations.....
THATS ALL!!!!
:-)
he's a good kid, or at least he sure TRIES to BE...... which is really all you can ever "expect" out of them,,,
is to do their BEST...........
~~~~
OKAY,
enough blabbing outta me for one night   :-)
~~~~~~thanks for reading~~~~~~

Sam's first day, (september 2012) What a HAPPY GUY!!!
at head start..... 
I actually went
and had lunch with him,
Met his teachers and all that :-)



1 comment:

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