Saturday, December 29, 2012

Found out I lost 70lbs since my clean date, Im back on ADHD meds & a bit on general life today :-)

~~~~~~HAPPY SATURDAY~~~~~~
I'm finally back on my ADHD medication..... Probably a good thing, for the long run. 
Although, I've decided, I'm not going to take them on the weekends
UNLESS I have to work or something else is going on that I need to be "together" for.
I'm comfortable with WHO I am these days, 
So what if I'm a little bit scatter-brained among other things?
Sure, I don't sit still, and I'm always busy..... but I'm HAPPY.....
truly , completely HAPPY  and that's what is important, to ME.....
On the other side of the coin, I do need to be productive, at work and at least when I'm on the meds,
I can FIND my tools, KEEP my paperwork straight, REMEMBER the schedule,
things like that.
That's the compromise I and the Doctor came to Thursday. . . he was "okay" with it, although it's not
he says, , 
I need to remind you that your ADHD doesn't take a vacation on Saturday and Sunday.
well, that may be true, but I DO!!! (take a vacation)
he completely understands WHY it's so important for ME to prove to myself that I'm not 'addicted' or abusing them.......   I'm soooo scared of that, it's not even funny.
Being "pro-active" about it, is the ONLY way I can continue the "treatment" 
I guess if I KNOW it is possible to just "go without" then I'm not using them the wrong way,,,, or letting my addiction grow in any way, shape or form.........
these meds don't affect ME in a way that makes me WANT more, anyway,,,,,
which is definitely good, or I wouldn't be able to take'm in the first place........
The doctor has played around with when I take them, and how many milligrams,
when it went UP too much, I was terribly sleepy and groggy.....
I'm sure not interested in feeling like I need to hibernate a few months,,,,,,
which is my GUESS on how I'd feel.
Okay, my rant is over on that, now..... HAD to share it though,,, just had too.
Oh and let's not forget, while I was OFF the meds,,,
I WASHED and DRIED my cell phone,,,,,,,
broke a couple things at home, just by pure "reaction" when I got frustrated,,, didn't even realize I had done it, til it was ALL OVER WITH.......
I lost a customer's paperwork, honestly, more than ONE customer's paperwork
and I think I drove my boss just about over the edge, the last couple weeks..........
I ended up taking 16mg of suboxone, a day.... where the weeks before that, I was doing really well on just 8mg..... but when my anxiety comes back, the only thing I can think is I'm "medicating" the ADHD symptoms with suboxone,,,,, OR it's just the "impulse'' to take more ,,,,,,,
So, back to my "normal" I guess, now....
especially since I'm prescribed 24mg/a day.
My "addict" side, says, TAKE 24mg!! are ya nuts?? but anyone who knows anything
about suboxone, knows it does NOT work that way.
you don't "crave" more, because there's no euphoria, or anything else. Your just NOT craving the "real" opiates.........
I've probably explained that before, but I just like to talk about it once in awhile.....................
there's still so much negative attitude towards this medication...... but it really did save my life,,, I know it.
So, I talk to my doctor about everything else on Thursday, too. Taking less suboxone, 
when I'm actually taking my ADHD meds......
he wants me to try Strattera, next.... in ADDITION to, what I'm on now....
Only trouble is, it's about $250/month at just 25mg a day, which is a "starting" dose.
so let's say I need DOUBLE that,,, well then it's about $300.......
Not gonna happen with buying suboxone, already, and the other meds,,,,
Plus my husbands' prescriptions, Oh and let's not forget the garnishment!!
the dr. signed me up for some kind of assistance, where I can get the strattera for FREE.... Not sure how long, a year, or what, but hey, I applied.... we shall see what happens.
Oh,, yes, and speaking of assistance programs,
He applied me for the "here to help" program again, since it's now been over three months ago, that it expired.
I just turned in my part of the papers, on Friday, and now it takes something like 4-6 weeks, to "process'' the application...................
but, my doc said, if they DENY me, the first time we send it in, that we will just KEEP TRYING, and he'll have his assistant fax that paper in every single day, UNTIL They accept me...........  :-0
I was shocked,,,, and said, REALLY???
he says, "sure."  he explained that if that didn't work, he'd write a letter, saying he has no problem writing the generic suboxone to many of his "long term" patients, so if they can't help ONE, then he'll make sure they lose some business.
Well, that was even more shocking, that he cares that much......... I've never experienced a doctor that DID take so much time, with a patient........
He's definitely in the right "line of work" for how much he actually cares.
I once asked him if he, himself was an addict, he said No, but he EASILY could have been.  I'm not sure what that means, but my "gut" tells me he lost someone close to him, to addiction at one point or another.
he's lost many, many patients, to relapse, since he started prescribing suboxone in 2004.
BUT he told me it's well worth all the heartbreak, for the FEW that "make it"
Like I am, SO FAR!!!!!!
that felt good, let me say that much !!!  :-)  :-)  :-)
I'm just so glad we get along, he CARES, he works a little "outside" the system, and seems to be willing to put in the extra effort, ANY TIME..............  I was/am EXTREMELY LUCKY to have found him, WHEN I did,,,,,,
this being such a small area, AND of the situation I was in, 20 months ago.
well what can I say, this week, about work??????
It's STARTING to slow down, some...................
I have the second phase of one of the big jobs I did before Thanksgiving. . . It's around 40 doors. . . but I do have help, so that's a huge ,,, giant plus...........
The "big" boss, the actual owner,,,,
has been in and out, a lot more than normal, the last couple of months,,,,, so it's been nice to clear the air about some things,,,, SOME issues, I have with the General Manager.............
I told him about the GM telling me I had to be THERE, MORE,,,,, 
Pretty sure I wrote about in on here some place, about working a Monday and Tuesday, 13 then 14 hours...... the next morning, I WAY over-slept..... actually didn't even WAKE UP until 745am,,,, So by the time I got into the shop, it was 2minutes UNTIL 8am.........
he stops me right there,,,,
and says, why weren't you here, MUCH EARLIER????
I had to explain that it depends on Mike's schedule, what Time HE has to work,
he says,
"well I don't know what the hell that has to do with ANY thing....and you REALLY NEED TO BE HERE MORE, so WE can get this high priority stuff done and out on time"
At this point, I want to throw a brick at his face,
or maybe punch him in his teeth, and say "oh WE SURE DO, don't WE"
WE don't do a THING at that place, I DO....................
So, the OWNER,,,,,,
comes by, maybe two weeks ago, and we are talking about everything,,,,, it was RIGHT before I had that first Saturday off, after working almost two months of weekends, including my birthday, thanksgiving and the day OF my son's party.
HE made me feel a whole lot better about things,, He said over and over again, that he really appreciates everything I do, without me there, he'd be completely SCREWED,,,, and so on and so on...............
that felt really good.
he asked why I decided to stay, months ago, when I did find another job, paying $2 more per hour........... My answer was simple-----
""Sometimes, when you give someone a last, LAST chance, even when they DON'T deserve it, WELL sometimes it pays off, TEN FOLD..........""
I also told him I felt SOME loyalty to him and his business, for GIVING me that LAST , last chance, when nobody else in the COUNTY would.
I'd never just up and "leave" ---- that would absolutely screw his company up, he'd lose customers, which equals money;; and, a lot of it.
I do feel loyal to him, for helping me in some ways, to get back on my feet. For putting up with the ONCE a WEEK doctor's visits, the random drug screens, medication "counts"
and so on..............  Nowadays, I only go once a month, I was actually going every THIRD month, until I went on ADHD medication again.
I'm doing the every four week visits right now, until we figure out about the strattera,
and the here to help thing.
About family........
so we had family counseling, after Christmas..(just my husband, son and me)............  I'm actually glad we went. It was well worth the effort, many things got brought to the "surface" and it actually felt really good to get it UNLOADED from MY head!!!
that's ONE thing, I KNOW I have to continually keep 'watch' of,,,,
SHARING my feelings........... by sharing, the burden lightens a bit.
when your NOT used to feeling, ummmmmm   ANYTHING,,,, Its really important, to NOT get overwhelmed, that is a big trigger or MINE....... at least now I am comfortable recognizing what MY triggers ARE, and how to cut them off before they start.
I'm also doing better at sharing WHEN I do have cravings,,, when I feel a huge URGE to GET RELIEF from MYSELF,,,, well, I'm much better about telling/talking to SOMEONE.... it really doesn't matter WHO,,,, to any of you reading this.......
JUST SHARING the feelings, is the KEY.......... obviously having someone you TRUST to talk to , is a HUGE PLUS,,, but regardless, just talking and making sure to think of the negative parts of the drug, will help more than any other thing....
I used to NOT SAY ANYTHING to anyone when I'd feel the urge/cravings. 
I didn't want to disappoint, shame, or burden anyone else with MY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!
Plus,,, my husband, the first few times,, he got VERY WORRIED,,, like stressed out I was going to--- "fall off the wagon"    --and not get back on, or even COME HOME..... but I DID,,, every time,, SO FAR , so good.
I had another round of blood work done, a month ago, so I got the "results" of that test, thursday,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
the liver enzymes, were GREAT the doctor said, much better than my first three rounds, although they've slowly but surely been going UP,,,, Just recently, they are back in
"normal" range. . of a "regular" person,,,,,, NON -opiate/benzo addict.
ALSO,,,,, he made me get a Hep "c" test,{a and b, too} an HIV test, and I forget, but it was a super long list.  actually,,, I got ONE , in June of 2011,                                       and another last spring, but he kept saying it can take a                                          YEAR or MORE for it to "show" or turn  up in a test........................
Guess what???
EVERY SINGLE ONE, back 'normal'
Or as NORMAL as I CAN BE..................
ha ha ha ha ha
Seriously,,, it was a relief for the "serious" tests to be NEGATIVE..... who the hell wants to find out they've got a serious disease , once they've gotten clean???
NOT ME............
I'm pretty lucky to have come out of a really bad place, so well.... I mean, NOT on parole or doing jail time, No medical issues, besides my teeth of course.......
and we aren't going to discuss my memory or anything else like that.
:-)   :-)    :-)
My son is doing well,,,,,,,,,,, He is on "break" from head start right now, and I'm 
ever-so-patiently waiting for all those results, of his evaluations and other tests.
he's getting VERY TALL......... his feet, geeeeshh, he's GOT to GROW INTO those, some day!!!! his feet are BIG for JUST turning four, two weeks ago!!!
he's in between sizes right now, basically between a kids' 13 and a "youth" 1
for anyone with kids, YES< < < < his feet are that big.....
One thing, 
that's sorta funny,,,, maybe not,,,,, at his center, he goes to, most of the kids are Caucasian, ,,,,, this is a pretty small/rural area.....
Well, when he first started going, back in July, another boy started just a few days before he did...........
they are the same age, and were in the same class,,,,,, His dad is working at the Coast Guard, Astoria station............  And moved here from Florida, I forgot where,,,,,
So, "Jamir" is one of the ONLY black kids, in the entire center......(he may in fact be the only one)
Sam, and Jamir were best buddies right away, they actually had to put them in separate classrooms, two months ago since they were UNABLE to pay attention, 
when in the SAME ONE,,,,,,,,   he he he he  -----  (sound familiar mom?)
Anyways,,, My point here,
the teacher was telling me how "close" Sam and Jamir were, and how one doesn't go anywhere, without the other one.......
She complimented me on my parenting, 
and said, it's VERY OBVIOUS  we are a non-racist family,,,,, since they had already had "some problems" with name calling, and questions, when Jamir started.
I was shocked,,,,
and said, "really?, that's pretty sad"
she says, "yes, and you KNOW it's taught at this age, kids do not see each other differently, it takes someone else pointing it out,,,,,,, your doing great with him, and keep up the good work"
well, that's different, now isn't it??
Ha ha ha ha
I mean, the complimenting me on his behavior, in ANY way,,,,,,,,,   :-)
It made me a lil proud, I won't lie, that he is BEST FRIENDS with him and HAPPY at the same time, that he made at least ONE kid feel not alone, in this place. 
I can just imagine how scary daycare could be, for ANY kid, let alone a kid that JUST moved across the country,,,, PLUS being different then every other kid, THEN on top of that, they're mean to you..............
Oh, wait,,,,
that's what Jr. High was for me!!!!
we only moved from Seaside to Warrenton, but it may as well been the entire country!!!! It was NIGHT and DAY different.
School, wasn't easy for me, at all.............I've talked about that before, and I do not want to go into it again.......but I'm proud that at least SO FAR, I'm not raising a bully, or a "follower"
that can be scary,,, I'm sure, when your kid WANTS to FOLLOW along, with everyone else. . . . I always THOUGHT that's what I wanted, but I never did it.
they wouldn't have liked me then, either, and I knew that. Plus my mom was very supportive, of ME,,,,,, how I was, and didn't really care WHAT anyone else thought about it. She'd just say, , , , 
"the BEST I can hope for is for you to grow up and be a descent human being"
NOW I GET IT..........................I sure didn't then, but NOW I DO...... that's all I can hope for too.
so far, so good!!!!!
so,,,, 20 months,,,, 
another sober Christmas is in the books, and we are REAL DAMN CLOSE to another  New Year's in the books, as sober as well,,,,,,,,,,
One more thing that the Dr. brought up on Thursday, which was ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING to me,,,,, was in twenty months on suboxone, I've LOST OVER SIXTY POUNDS-------
Okay, you would think, I would KNOW that, right???
well,I really do NOT pay much attention to my 'actual' weight,,,, since getting off the methadone and getting my teeth fixed, , , I definitely eat a lot healthier!!
I started exercising a while back, because of stress and anxiety of all things......
and it HELPED, A LOT.... I had been getting stomach aches from HELL,,,,,,,
couldn't figure out WHAT was wrong......
so my addiction counselor recommended walking/jogging/biking something like that, to "rid" myself of my excess energy,,,, to help.....
I thought YEA RIGHT............
but I gave it a shot, since I was sooooo desperate.....
and it worked,,, really well actually!!! anyways,,,,,
I have noticed none of my jeans fit, I have to wear a belt with EVERYTHING ...... And I even wear pajamas UNDER my jeans when I'm working, since it's so very cold in the shop,   I have to KEEP the bay doors open during the day when I'm painting, because there is NO ventilation in that building, YET...(( Im working on the boss for it..))  
so,,,, I just thought, I was thinning out a bit, no big deal.... I DO feel a lot more energetic, healthier, ETC ETC ETC.
so, back to the appointment, , , he says, WOW,, that's a ton of weight,,, but you've "done it right" it's been average of 3-4  pounds a MONTH, or not quite one pound a week....
when people lose weight like that, they USUALLY keep it off. He adds that he bets half of it, was due to the methadone, I guess it REALLY slows some people's metabolism down, like a WHOLE LOT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and it makes you retain water....... whatever that means!! I know that I sure used to SWEAT,,, all the time when I was on it.... ALL THE TIME!!!
So, I got sorta sad, at first, when I left the office, I was like -----  I had NO IDEA I was that BIG,,,,,,,,,,,,, NO IDEA  :-0
after letting it kinda sink in, that I wasn't doing much of ANYTHING,,,, wasn't eating right, AT ALL..... or anything else for that matter,,,, I was more "okay" with it. Especially after what the dr. said..........
WOWSA,,, huh?
it's like 67 pounds or something..... basically two of my son!! no wonder I'm more energetic!!
had to add that, in there,,,, I will TRY and find an old and a new picture and post it at the bottom------
Sorry this turned into such a long post today,,,,,
they have been shorter and shorter lately, and I guess I just had a LOT to say!!!
As always,
thanks for reading. . . I hope I'm helping at least one person, or family, or 
addicts loved one, by writing this.
OR changing some one's mind about suboxone, , , Man, that would be nice, , for suboxone to be " seen"  for what it REALLY IS,,,,,, instead of called "diet methadone"
by some places........
Let me just say, it's NOTHING like it. . . . I could never lower a methadone dose, NOT even in the beginning... NEVER.............but I've cut my suboxone dose down 66%
that's got to SHOW SOMETHING doesn't it???
that there's over 50 at the pharmacy, right now,,,, since you can pick up one to whatever films you want. . . if it were ANYTHING that gave me ANY buzz, I'd do whatever I had to , to get them OUT of the pharmacy, and take, well, ALL OF THEM.........................
thanks, again.....................
until next time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,                                                                                                 ~~~~I hope  your journey leads you where you want to be~~~~~
If anyone would like to learn MORE about suboxone, please go to this website---
You can search for a doctor, Order a FREE education packet, and  a whole bunch of other stuff!!!  It's a great introduction to what suboxone/buprenorphine treatment is all about....... I ordered the packet when I first found the site, it was VERY helpful in explaining to others HOW suboxone works, how it blocks opiates, etc etc etc. they sent out a few different brochure-type articles on suboxone treatment, with pictures and everything of HOW it "plugs" the opiate receptors in your brain!!
OH, and here's a video, on HOW it does that-----------
It's only a minute and a half long, by the way=====

Okay, NOW I feel better leaving you tonight!!!


Above, is Thanksgiving, of 2010

                                               This one, is November of the next year, 2011
                                                 so I had already lost 20 or so pounds, 
                                                   Maybe more? who knows. . . . . . . .

                                           OKAY,, here's just one year ago, exactly!! 
                                (only a month later, than the one just above)  Christmas 2011

                                             Thanksgiving, 2012   yep, I see a difference, too

                                        Just the other day,,, Christmas 2012
thanks for following me!!!!  :-)

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Christmas Magic & gun control

What can I say,,,, Four days off, all in a row feels SO WEIRD......
It was so nice, to leave work on Friday and KNOW I didn't have to be back until,,,
Yep, WEDNESDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yippeeee for sure.
I have been able to give my son 100% of my attention, when he needs it. Instead of telling him I'm tired, or I'm trying to do this or that. When he's asked for me to hold him, or read to him, I've dropped everything and done it the last two days anyway.
Mike has to work tomorrow, one ride, so he shouldn't be gone too long. Sam and I will have some great one on one time in the morning.........
I don't think I wrote in last week's post that his evaluation went fairly well. You know when they 
scheduled it for ONE P.M. I told them he sleeps DAILY from 1230 to 230, so it's totally his "nap time" and I'm not responsible for what happens........
Much to my surprise he did VERY well, the first 90mins.
then,,,, after all these pictures,  questions, and instructions he stood up in the center of the floor, 
found a "spot"
laid down, put his arm under his head, and said,
"It's time for Sammy to nap now"
Well, you just HAVE to laugh at that, don't ya?
This kid LIKES his schedule......He may not like to sleep,, especially at BED TIME, but he KNOWS
when he needs a NAP.
The screener looks at me and says, I only have like four more questions.
I pick him up off the floor and TRY to get him to pay attention, but I do NOT have to tell you, there's just NO WAY anything was going to work, at THAT POINT.
So she says, He's just all done, isn't he?
I'm like YES,,,, he's all done. You won't get one more word out of him,,, in MY experience anyway.
Well they called it a day, they are supposed to finish the last of the questions, some time when he is at Head Start...... and that's fine with ME............................
All the 'questions' part was for the development/reasoning evaluation.......
the speech part went really well i think.....
he only "missed" one sound, "fork" with the F in front of the word, he got "knife"
with it in the END of the word.
the speech specialist said that WILL Come with time, and patience.
To just correct him, and praise him when he DOES say it well.
so, almost HALF of the "5yr" words he got, PERFECTLY.
his "over all" rate ,,, that they measure was JUST over 5 years old. so that's great news,
means he doesn't need "therapy" for his speech,or anything like that. Just that one, F sound, and the "r's" and "th" she said, that's the LAST sound for them to 'get' so don't worry about those ones, just yet.
I was seriously relieved.
And, you know, I could see the back of most of the flashcards, and he got almost ALL of them right, for the four year old ones, and about half of what I saw correct, from the five year old ones.
So, even the extra four questions they have, I don't see that being a huge drop or anything,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
the deal is ,,, AFTER They get those last questions done,
then "they" look at all the results, from everything he's done, and decide, whats "next"
whether or not he'll have any special instruction in the class, or we'll have stuff to work on at home
with him,,,, I won't know until they do.....  they will also send me a copy of the results, by mail.
got all my shopping done today!!!
That's quite the relief,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,whew!!!!
You know,,, as I've said before, last year was pretty tough...........
financially, and otherwise.
This year, has been VERY different....Now, I'm not saying I bought a bunch of gifts for my entire family,, No, I don't have THAT much money!!!
but what I was able to get, I know they will know, came right from my heart, and the fact that I could buy ANYTHING will show a WHOLE LOT OF PROGRESS................or at least it should!!!  :-)
For my son,,,
well he won't even know WHAT to think!!!  he's got about 4 gifts from me and his dad, and then about the same coming from "Santa"
We have been looking EVERYWHERE for these "dino cars"
Since September, when he first saw the commercial for these things, he's talked about them,,,,,
we haven't been able to find'm ANYWHERE, nobody we talk to has even HEARD of them,,,,,,,
When toy R us opened, we asked them,,,,, they had NO IDEA, either!!!
Well, we went to do our shopping yesterday, went to the mall and the toy store again, got him some stunt cars, instead that do a bunch of tricks and stuff.
figured, that's as close as we are going to get!!  He asked SANTA for the Dino cars, and a new tractor.
they didn't have much for tractors at Toys R us, so we went to Fred Meyer next......
We went thru the toy department, got him some more Thomas the train stuff, he just loves playing with his starter set,,, and  a couple of books for his leapster thing he got for his birthday.
I figured we were done,
and went to check the clearance racks in the kids' section..... . Mike was going to stay and find a "good tractor"   since we wanted to get him at LEAST ONE THING he asked the big man for.
a few minutes later, I'm cruising clearance racks, and what do I hear???
Here comes my husband, one HUGE box at his side, RUNNING down the aisle of Fred meyers,
"amber, amber, amber I found ONE, I found ONE,, amber LOOOOOOOK"
the DINO CARS!!!!!!!!!!!
good job daddy!!! he said he's looked for as many months as I HAVE, and NEVER seen one, but he was looking at R/C cars on the top shelf, and he found this ONE BOX turned backwards, that LOOKED like the commercial!!! ONE BOX<<<<<<
and we got it!!!  it was less than $50 too!!!
it actually has two cars in it, and the big one, turns into a huge T-rex.... it DOES look COOL...... i guess NOW
I know why he wanted one SO BADLY.
today, I went back down to ToyRus and exchanged the OTHER stunt cars, for some dinosaurs and "monster  jams" he LOVES the monster jams monster trucks,,,,,,,,,
It's funny, last year, he opened two presents, and just sat there and played,,,, didn't care one bit about any other gifts, or anything.
We'll see what happens THIS YEAR.......................
i also got rid of THREE HUGE TRASH BAGS full of toys!!!!
HAD to make room for the NEW stuff, anyways,
one bag I filled was all broken/missing stuff, and went in the trash. then I took one bag to the Penny-wise thrift store, and one to another thrift store, in Astoria.
I did that , when he was down for his nap. when he woke up, he noticed ONE THING GONE......
only ONE!!! now I KNOW I did the right thing!!! Wasn't sure as I was carrying it all to the car!!
I told him that Santa asked me to get rid of the toys he's too big for, so that some other little boys and girls could have a nice Christmas too.
he was just fine with that, even offered up a few more "gifts" to go!!!
I said, OKAY, now we are talking!!!
Seriously,,,, I kept his train stuff, all his cars/hotwheels/monster trucks,,, his big cars and trucks, his potato head stuff, and the action figures that were NOT broken!!!
He's got a LOT more room to play NOW........
and even with the new stuff, he should have more room than he did have.
It's kinda sad, getting rid of all the baby toys, and things they grow out of,
it's like another reminder, they are growing up and needing you less and less.
It makes me a little sad, and that's okay.
We also bought a couple presents for the toy drive yesterday, since that's the only reason we could give Sam anything last year. That felt really good to "pay it forward"...............  I just hope the person at the other end appreciates it as much as I did, when we needed it.
Sam even picked out a gift, and we told him it was going to be for a little boy whose mommy and daddy don't have enough money to buy him anything. he looked puzzled, but was HAPPY to pick a gift out. Talked about it, the rest of the night!!!!!
the fire trucks came around the other night, delivering food boxes, we used to get one every year, also.
Not this year, we make WAY too much, now.
I'm not bragging, believe me. But I did see the neighbor across the way, get one, and I was cleaning the kitchen today, there was some stuff that we brought with us, when we moved from the apartment, hasn't moved since we got here. So, I put it all in a box, and had Mike take it over there. He said the lady cried when he gave it to her and said, that we were in  a really rough place for a few years, and know exactly how it is, we just thought you might be able to use this, my wife just could NOT throw it away.
It wasn't much , just a bunch of canned food, bread that was about to go bad, rice, flour, stuff like that. 
the feeling of being able to help others, really is priceless.
when I was younger, I didn't understand that old saying,
"its better to give than to receive" 
I used to think whoever said that, was stupid or maybe crazy.
Knowing what I do NOW<,,,,,, I know that it really IS better to give.
And honestly I wish I could do a lot more. But anything helps, right???
I hate hearing about that school shooting on the news, ANY shooting like that is horrible.
I'm not sure exactly what the cure IS.
But one thing I do know, is assault rifles, should ONLY be for military.... I'm not sure what anyone else thinks they are "good" for. Even target practice, I get that, that it might be fun to shoot one, Ok.
So, don't sell any "live" ammunition for them, something like that.
AND I did think up a "plan" 
on how to solve gun control.............
if EVERY bullet was TAXED and all that shit, like cigarettes or GASOLINE is,,
and EACH BULLET was something crazy like  TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS 
I mean , EACH BULLET...........
you wouldn't have ANYONE "spraying gunfire" would you?
Nope, didn't think so.
AND IF SOMEONE DID GET SHOT, at least you'd KNOW They probably deserved it!!!!
You might be thinking, oh WEALTHY people would.....NOPE, rich people hate "wasting" money MORE than and Poor person I ever saw!!!
that's half a joke, and half serious.
Don't take anything I say, TOO seriously.......................
If that really was the case, and you hear about a woman shooting her husband, 
think about how long it would take her to save up 2 grand, and how many times she'd think it over,
before she finally did it.
then BAM, he's all done.
At least you'd know, he probably wasn't a good guy anyways.
I hate, absolutely hate how ONE PERSON,,, one dumb person at that, ruins everything, for everyone.
Like the cell phone laws, for example. people still drive and talk on their phone, only now they are concentrating MORE on
"is a cop coming" and they are even MORE Distracted. or they are TEXTING

which is TEN TIMES WORSE ,, if you ask me!!!
when it was still LEGAL, I only talked on the phone, if the traffic was light, and the "conditions" were okay.
I mean if you don't have the common sense to figure that out, you shouldn't be on the road to begin with.
anyways, it's just the point..............One person screws it up, for everyone else.
Pain pills, is ANOTHER ONE.
so now, with all the pain pill addicts, YES that includes ME.
people that "actually" need the pills, don't get them.
they don't know WHAT to say, what the magic is, to get the doctor to write them the pain pills.
hell, they aren't even LOOKING For them to begin with.
So who are the ones that get all the narcotics??
the ones that KNOW how to play the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who know WHAT to say, HOW to say it, ETC ETC ETC
the person that actually needs it, doesn't get ANY RELIEF.
and it'll probably stay that way.
Rant OVER..........
I've been off my ADHD meds for two weeks now. I want to try something different.
they were helping me, YES. . . but I was sort of getting a stomach ache, after taking them,
I even ate before hand, and took an acid reducer, 
tried about four different things the pharmacist recommended.
I'm going to go see my Doctor the day after Christmas,
my memory is not doing well, among other things.......but the memory is what I notice mostly.
I lose EVERYTHING............
even washed and dried my cell phone yesterday!!!!!!!!!!
and yes, it's broken, for good.
I still have my work cell which is saving my ass. . . . . But it seems like I'm forgetting and/or losing EVERYTHING now. and it's really irritating.
one reason too,,,
that I stopped my meds,
was I guess I have to KNOW I don't need something ,,, in order to take it???
I don't know if that will make ANY SENSE to someone who isn't an addict.
but Im so scared of being addicted to something again, that I HAVE TO KNOW I can go without and
be "okay"

Yes, I've done the same thing with my suboxone.  About three times actually.
I'm so so so scared to let something have THAT MUCH CONTROL over WHO I am again. 
Well, I've proved it to myself, now.
it's been OVER two weeks, and I'm fine,,,, just have a bad memory and absolutely NO attention span.
I've actually been "working on" this post for two days....if that gives ya ANY CLUE at all.
and when I say two days, I don't mean I've sat down twice to do it, 
I get up and walk off every ten minutes or so, cuz I get "side-tracked" then come back to it.
okay, that's about all I've got for now.
I'm sure I'll post before next weekend, but I don't know when I'll have time.
Thanks for reading,, and everyone have a 
~~~~~~~~VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS~~~~~~~~~
Hug your family tight. You never know what day will be your last.
I didn't have a new pics to post, so I just grabbed Sam and took one,
so this pic, is from ten mins ago,,,
I'm in my PJ's ,,,
no judgment allowed!!!
(sure is a nice change to smile big for every picture)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Breathe in, breath out, repeat...............

Okay first things first.....Im really, severely irritated, that almost three weeks ago,
my boss got garnishment papers on me,,,,
now, I know I've made bad choices, 
I KNOW I'm the one who did this to myself,
I get it...... BUT, he KNEW I worked 20 hrs of OT one week, and 13 the next.
He said, he would NOT even respond to the letter, for a week, cuz it said he had
14 days, to RESPOND............
well, as you can guess, I wouldn't even be bringing this up, UNLESS it happened.
Not only, am I being garnished,
but they also filed some kind of paperwork, to figure out if "my spouse" had income,
and they get 33% BEFORE TAXES.....
that's CRUSHING three weeks before Christmas....
Now, if I got some kind of Christmas bonus,that'd be one thing, but I'm pretty lucky,
just to have a job, and last year, I think we got a ham,,,
HEY at least they can't take HALF MY HAM, eh??
And know what it is?
Medical Bills.
Yep, every bit of it. 12,000 worth....
yes, we NEED TO FILE bankruptcy, but that's almost two thousand dollars, too.
after THEIR 33%, and MY TAXES, I got about HALF,   , , basically, my paycheck 
was Just what it would be if I worked, two forty hour weeks.....
You can see why I'd be PISSED, right????
Yep, and the next week, I punched in 68 hours, in six days,
last week, was a SHORT week, since I DID NOT WORK SATURDAY....
I "only" had 52 or something like that.....
Things are getting BETTER AT WORK,, a lil slower,at least the big jobs are OUT for now.
the second phase of one of them will start just before Christmas, so I'll be a lil  busy again.
I can handle it.
Now 40 hours will seem like a VACATION..........
Oh,and I have a four day weekend, Christmas and New Year's weekend..
that's going to be NICE....
Sam's birthday was today his ACTUAL birthday, even though his party was last weekend....
He had a blast by the way....
a really good time.....
It was so awesome giving him that Jeep..... made all the days I  missed him so much, while I was at work, a LITTLE more worth it...
I hit my 20 month mark,,, friday.
Didn't even REALIZE  It until the day was over, with the school shooting thing that went on, and all that, I was actually getting ready for bed, when I realized it......
I guess that's a GOOD THING though, that means I'm not having a hard time making it through the NEXT HOUR, like it was in the begining.......
that was hard.... Very hard.
I just wanted to write SOMETHING......
sometime this weekend,,, I will write more on, how Sam's latest evaluation went, 
and all about that.
Im really irritated about that garnishment..... that damn collection agency got almost $500 bucks.....I only "cleared" $800 after that and taxes...
Yep, for working OVER 120 hours...
Then when I tell my boss, IM DONE working that much over time til we file ch. 7,
he has the NERVE to raise his voice to ME, and say
"your getting garnished and it's your own fault"
OH REALLY???????????????????????
I had NO IDEA DUDE......
and WHY DID YOU TELL ME you would NOT 'hit' this payroll???
then he really got an attitude.
Im sure he just said that, so I'd work.....If I didn't we would have been screwed, getting those packages out on time........
It just wasn't too cool, in MY BOOK.
that's all the more I'm going to say about it.
Hope everyone had as great of a weekend, as I did....
took lots of naps, and spent some good quality time with the family.
Just where I NEED to be.

Here is ONE HAPPY KID..... last weekend, at his party  :-)

Sunday, December 2, 2012

After a 60hr work week, I get to spend a good day with my son

Hello friends, :-)
Just as the title says, I worked just short of sixty hours this week..... Monday to yesterday............
I did get off a bit "early" yesterday, compared to the REST of the week, because I had NO interest, in working til 5pm or 6pm..........I left about 330pm, got home about 430 after the pharmacy stop....
I wanted to go home, and spend time with my FAMILY...............I missed them, MORE than I can begin to say. I'm not even going to attempt it.......
Let's just say, I really missed my son, my husband, my grandma and my mom , too.
Because I worked the weekend of my birthday,
the weekend of Thanksgiving, and NOW was coming in EARLY and staying LATE pretty much EVERY day I could, I was just missing everything, BUT work..........
We have two big jobs, going on right now ,,, they are basically due at the same TIME............
And, NO HELP..........
actually I did get help, Friday........... A guy finally came in to help me, and Monday, I will have him and a TEMP too, so that SHOULD help.... I'm still going IN at 5am or so, just to be "safe"
Right now, there's no problem with getting AHEAD of where I need to be, so that's what I mean by safe.......
I AM going to take
a few days OFF around Christmas, I deserve THAT MUCH................
Right now, I have band-aids/tape on FOUR of my fingers, on my right hand..... they are just 
RAW and sore........ does not feel good when lacquer thinner gets in there!!!  That's when you KNOW you are working hard, when you have the skin rubbed/worn  down to where it bleeds......... in MORE than one place............
yes, and the "new guy" well, what can I say......... I don't think he "has" to work, like "us" parents do.....   he says he can make ALMOST as much, just sitting home and getting the unemployment......
Which I understand and all,,,, but if you WORK,,, and make LESS than your benefit amount, EVEN only ten dollars less, you STILL get almost the entire benefit amount, NOT to mention, you are putting IN to your unemployment, too...... what will you do if when it's "all over" 
there's NOT ONE JOB to be had..... then what????
Anyway,,,, I don't think he WANTS to be there.... He CANT BELIEVE I do everything I do, all by myself normally.................Oh and he said his feet hurt REALLY BAD, around 2pm,,,, I said, "mine too, cuz I've been here since 5:15 AM.................
i asked if he could work saturday..........Nope, he had plans... I understand that. NO BIG DEAL I tell him....
Can you come in EARLY Monday?????
Ummm I'll TRY..........
Doesn't sound too promising........ My boss asked me how he was doing, I said, he's doing allright......
Then he says,
"well, amber, the problem is, we could hire FOUR guys, and they wouldn't get ALL the WORK DONE that JUST YOU DO, in ONE DAY...........that's the problem"
I reply,,,, thanks for the compliment, but quit trying to "inspire me", Its not going to work!!!
My son's birthday party will be next saturday, at the indoor playpark...... I'm definitely EXCITED to give him his present, and see him have fun with his friends ,,,, from school.......
We are doing the "after hours" party this year, so that should be fun, especially for the KIDS............
I have to make a strawberry cake, sometime friday night, or saturday morning..... I'm thinking cupcakes, too.....
It will ALL WORK OUT................  My boss probably will NOT remember though, and then he'll be shocked, when I tell him I cannot work, LOL.........
I did tell him though,,,,,,,
more than once........
Oh and last night, we went to Grandma's house. We hadn't been there, since thanksgiving, I think.... 
but MORE importantly,,, since I worked SO MUCH last week, TOO, I neglected MOST of my "chores" at her place...........So Saturday night, we ALL WENT as a family, and all helped her.... Sam vacuumed, Mike got out all the Christmas decorations, I cleaned up her kitchen, ETC ETC.....
I love how it shows Sam to HELP people, when we can, to do good deeds, just "because" 
And every other lesson you can think of, that goes with that........
It's just the things, that are getting to be too much for her,,,,
Or the LAST of the housework, she DOESNT get done, ya know.
Like the pots and pans, and putting away the dishes FROM thanksgiving dinner. she doesn't use her dishwasher much, so the dishes from our "big dinner" were CLEAN, but STILL In the dishwasher.
She says,
"oh Am, you do NOT need to do that"
I know grandma, but I WANT TO DO IT,,, and it'll take me ten minutes, so NO ARGUEING.
ha ha ha 
she didn't ..... I think it's just really hard for her, to ASK for help.... but if you JUST DO IT,,, she doesn't put up "much" of a fight.
And Sam had SUCH A BLAST going thru all the bows,and wrapping paper, and decorations with her!!!
it was really quite the "sight to see"
It feels great, to be able to HELP her a little bit, and make HER LIFE just a LITTLE BIT easier,
like she has, mine.
Right now, We as a family,,,, are doing BETTER THAN EVER.............................really it's true.....
Our bills are paid, 
and we have food in the fridge, gas in the car...... 
It's great,,, really is.....
ya know, I have to be honest.......
that's what this blog is FOR.............the real honesty...............
I still think about getting HIGH...................I still think about blowing a whole two weeks' pay 
on dope and "going for it"
Now, of COURSE I have NOT followed through on any of those urges...... so far.......
I guess I just thought it would be a WHOLE LOT EASIER by NOW, for sure.....
The long ass days at work, and my boss being totally OFF HIS ROCKER (if you ask me) by telling me, 
"you need to TRY and be HERE MORE"
on tuesday, REALLY put my head in a spin..............
Monday, I worked from 545am to 645 PM,,,,,,, Yes 13 hours.....
I didn't take a lunch, just a few smoke breaks....
and Tuesday, Mike had an early pick up, in the morning, so I had to take the kiddo to school, 
Which means, I can't drop him til 7am.
So, I didn't GET to work, until 730, and that's what set my boss off........
he just COULDNT understand, Why it mattered, what time Mike works, has to do with ME getting to work......... It's VERY apparent, that he did not raise his kids.....
I mean, maybe he did, when they were OLDER, and you can leave them to fend for themselves,,,,
I explained to him, exactly WHY it mattered................
Also, let him know that mike MAKES more than I do, so why would I have HIM miss work, for ME to work EVEN MORE hours????
And, I'm getting GARNISHED now, almost 30%
so REALLY, what the hell is in it for ME????????
but, I digress..........
back to my ORIGINAL thought,,,,,
Okay, so there are TIMES,,, where I miss the freedom I guess, of being a drug addict and having NO RESPONSIBILITY like I do, now.
Of course, I have to remember WHAT comes WITH THAT..... which is a whole LOT of bullshit......
And it's definitely a huge WEIGHT to carry around,,,
having an addiction, a habit like I did.
I know I've said this before,
but I have to tell myself, ALL THE TIME.......
How I was there, at the end..... how desperate I was, how hopeless, life-less, and everything else........
I MUST stay scared, of going BACK to that.
I HAVE TO REMEMBER, that is WHAT COMES with the "high"
it's not nearly as fun, to remember it in that " LIGHT"  But it's definitely necessary.
yes, working a shit load, feeling guilty about being away from my son, and MISSING him so damn bad,
makes things a lil more rough......
But it's what I need to do, to keep my job going well/moving forward...........
Sam was SO VERY EXCITED when he saw me sitting in the recliner this morning, as he woke up....
he ran STRAIGHT DOWN THE HALL, with his arms stretched wide,
gave me just about the biggest hug ever and told me he 
"was sooo happy mommy didn't go to work"
Melted my heart, it really did.................
Oh, and for dinner tonight,
we went to Dairy Queen, I asked him what he wanted, he answered ICE CREAM and a hot dog!!!
So, that's what he got!!
I know that might not be the "proper" way,,, but it's MY way, especially since he only ever eats a 
few bites of ice cream OR candy, and all he had all day before that was an apple,
string cheese and some re fried beans.
So, YES, he got to have ICE CREAM and a hot dog for dinner, 
BUT more importantly,
He giggled himself silly, for five mins  after I handed the ice cream to him,
and told me he loved me about ten times!!!
That's what I wanted, him to have an EXCELLENT day WITH his MOMMY!!!!!
and that he did.................
We played pretty much all day.......I didn't get ONE chore done, but I figured, this precious time with him, is only taking place ONCE ,,,,,,,,,,,and housework, well, who even cares, right????
I can definitely say, since Mike and I changed our ENTIRE parenting "style" with him,
things have been much more smooth, at home........
sure, he still gets into things, mis-behaves and ignores me sometimes, 
but it's a HELLUVA lot better than it was, 
and he ACTUALLY sometimes, LISTENS................
We had a GREAT DAY together today,,,,,, 
and I'm really glad we did..... That will give me something to think about next week, when I'm working so many hours......
Hopefully it will make things easier on HIM, too.
I know last week was a lil tough a few days, for Mike and him at home in the evening....
it's been just how I wanted it.
I would have liked to see my mom sometime today, but I just didn't feel like going anywhere today,,,,
I stayed in my sweats , ALLLLLL day............
Mike told me since I worked enough hours for TWO full time jobs this week, It didn't matter I stayed in them all day.....................   :-)
AND,,, he did housework today...... NICE.......
So to sum up,
I had my SECOND clean and sober Thanksgiving, last weekend......
Almost 20 months of sobriety now.... and I'm on about a third of the dose, of suboxone as I started out on...... Roughly 8mg a day now..... Last week, there were a couple days, I took 12mg,
which is STILL half the dose, I started on.
But since Im paying roughly $8 each now,,,,
that's really as much as I want to be on. I know my doctor would like me to stay on 24mg a day,,,
he thinks I need it for one, and for two, obviously 24mg BLOCKS a whole lot more than 8mg does.
The important thing is, 
Im still ON IT, and putting my recovery at the TOP of the priority list........
We have GOT TO FILE the bankruptcy after taxes this year..............
I talked to a local lawyer here, two weeks ago, when I found out about the garnishment.
He said, might as well "take a chance" and see if we'll get a tax return............
SOMEBODY might garnish it, but they MIGHT NOT, too.........and, if we DO get a return, than we can pay for chapter 7 UP FRONT and get it all done & over with.........
If we were to file NOW,
then we'd lose any return, WITHOUT A DOUBT
Sounds like good advice to ME.............I just cannot wait to have a "fresh start" and ACTUALLY make our "credit" better,,,,,
since ya know ,,, all I've done is make things MUCH MUCH WORSE, the last few years, I was on pills...................
I'm really happy that Sam does NOT have some kind of cognitive disorder.....
his appointments, are getting closer and closer for the evaluations,,,, which makes me more and more nervous...... not really nervous "about" the evaluations per say,,,,
More like nervous FOR HIM,,,, he just gets stressed ya know, in uncomfortable situations.....
he's a good kid, or at least he sure TRIES to BE...... which is really all you can ever "expect" out of them,,,
is to do their BEST...........
enough blabbing outta me for one night   :-)
~~~~~~thanks for reading~~~~~~

Sam's first day, (september 2012) What a HAPPY GUY!!!
at head start..... 
I actually went
and had lunch with him,
Met his teachers and all that :-)