Sunday, November 4, 2012

Being a parent, and a recovering addict.......

howdy,,,,,
so, first I want to say, sorry that the last couple posts, here have been short and not much to them,,,,,, I don't want to STOP writing all-together, cuz well, it's good for me to do it.......
I was kind of having some personal stuff going on, like REAL personal. . . . . . . .
almost an identity crisis I would call it???
You know, 
questioning EVERYTHING,,,, from my job to my marriage to where I live...
BUT,,, 
one thing I will say is that during this whole two week or so period,,,,
I did NOT want to "get high" to deal with it!!!! That shows MILES of improvement , right there!!!!!!!!!!!!! now, YES, I did THINK about drugs some,,,,
of course, I'm an addict.... BUT there was no serious planing going on,, or ANYTHING of that nature....
I did shut down a little bit,,,, but eventually came around, and shared my feelings and I just think that is a HUGE accomplishment......
That shows just HOW MUCH I've grown up in the last year and a half.
My 31st birthday is drawing EVER so closer!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that I'm "okay" with it, now.
that wasn't the ONLY reason for this whole identity issue, but I think it DID play a small part in it........................
I became obsessive and withdrew from just about everyone, but not for too long.... Like I already mentioned, I came around, and shared what I was going through.........................
So,
back to life we go!!!!
Okay, first of all,,,, when I first started working at my job,,,, ya know I was about three weeks into suboxone therapy......... AND, my driving record was HORRIBLE.........
i had two speeding tickets, two seat belt tickets, 2 NON-fault accidents, AND a "talking on the cell while driving" ticket!!!
well, now that Im the ONLY one working, ,, , , Brian would REALLY like for me to be able to drive..........See, the insurance DENIED adding me to the company insurance when I got the job, because of the record.................
WELL,
I haven't gotten ANY tickets since starting this job,,, now about 17 months ago!!!!   so, I went to DMV, and got a transcript of my driving record.
the ONLY things left on there,,,,,,,
one NON-fault accident,,, (even  made a copy of the letter, then insurance sent me, saying it WAS NOT my fault! case went to arbitration)
AND, one speeding ticket, got it in FEBUARY of 2010   74/55
AND, the cell phone ticket,,,,
that's IT.....
and still, the DENIED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss, was KINDA pissed!! and, I even said, ya know, I dont know HOW MUCH of  a difference the company would have to pay for a different carrier, BUT it MIGHT be worth it,,,,
If you think is it cheaper to HIRE someone to do deliveries, OR change insurance carriers,  so that I would be able to be insured......
So, he's looking into it,,,,,
my speeding ticket comes OFF my record, in febuary.......
the thing that makes me SO MAD, is that NO matter what,,, 
if there is a REPORTABLE accident, with your licence plate/driver's license #
ANY of the above, it counts as FOUR POINTS on your record!!!
and there's not a DAMN thing you can do about it,,, for THREE YEARS!!!
guess all of this explains WHY I pay almost two HUNDRED bucks a month, for LIABILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That WHOLE situation is FRUSTRATING,,,,,,,,, But, at LEAST my boss, is willing to "work with me" on it!!    so see, later in the winter, when there's not much prefinish, I won't have many hours, TIL I can do deliveries as well.........
Just the way it is right now, and THAT'S OKAY......
Yesterday,
my mom and dad took Sam for the afternoon and evening......
I sat in the livingroom for damn near TWO hours, No T.V. on, I read the paper and my voter's pamplet,,,, IN THE COMPLETE QUIET...........
Oh man,,, I did NOT realize how MUCH I needed that....
seriously, I knew I needed a BREAK,, a couple hours without hearing MOMMY,, mommy!! MAA MAA MAA MAAAAAA!!!
but, I didn't realize it was THAT bad,,or that much in "need"
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Mike and I, went and ate Pizza, talked, without interruption,,,,
FORGOT what that was like!!!
there really are a WHOLE LOT of little things in this world, that CAN bring you complete happiness.
I think you just have to be WILLING to let it? or something like that.
I'm no philosopher..... that's a fact!
When Sam was younger, I wasn't stressed about much of ANYthing,
I didn't really care? I'm not sure what it was..... I know I was much too sick,
to care most of the time, , , I was being much too selfish..........
My point is, I don't remember feeling this way before,,,,,,,
it's like i can FEEL my "fuse" running shorter and shorter each day.
And I DONT mean for it to be that way,,, I really DO NOT.....
the world around me, just FEELS like it slowly stacks on my shoulders,
suffocating me,,,,,, in an ever so slow horrible kind of a way-----
but yesterday,,,,,
being "kid-less"   I felt my nerves UNwind, instead of the other way around......
slowly, too.....
Almost comparable to when your tired, sleeping.
NOW I feel like I can "handle" things a few more days.
WHEW.............
Sam has never stayed the night, away from us..........  so, I have NO idea, IF he's ready for that, but I don't see WHY he wouldn't be???
I'm not sure when we'll try for it, but I'm definitely going to have to start asking for MORE afternoons with "Nana & papa"
If I'm ever going to STAY SOBER, that is!!
when your a drug addict, that's the ONLY 'release' for anything and everything you KNOW..... and after awhile, its the ONLY one you want, the only one you can "see" and as far as YOUR brain's concerned, its the only "way'' that WILL even work............
yesterday,,, walking around Costco, it just kind of "hit me"
that I've really climbed out of a deep dark hole.........
honestly, there's not a WHOLE BUNCH of people that come from the place I did....    You're probably thinking, well that's a GOOD thing.
it is, and its also NOT.....
For opiate addicts,, mainly heroin addicts.... relapse IS deadly............
My doctor AND therapist remind me of that, ALL the time.
Now, I'm on suboxone, so the "chances" are definitely LOWER, considerably.
But, as my dose DE-creases, that "bad" chance, IN-creases........
How do I change that???
I'm still trying to figure that out....
but everything I've learned SO FAR, everything I've been told, or "exercises" I've completed,,,,,,,
the ALL say you HAVE to take care of YOURSELF,,,,, mentally, physically, spiritually, ALL of it,,,,,,,,, If your a body builder but you pay NO attention to your MENTAL health, you might be "sicker" than most,,,,,
It has to be looked at, as a complete "package" or none of it, counts.
I have to stay scared of my past........
reminding myself DAILY of where I COULD be, thinking of things that HAVE happened, is the way I do that, and by talking to NEW patients at the clinic I go to, is another way.... Seeing the hopelessness in their eyes, is a real GOOD reminder, of how I felt. the desperation. . . . . . . . . . .
Now I'm learning to "process" my feelings,,,,,,
Oh yea, that's a whole BUNCH of fun, too!!!
It's frustrating, to FEEL uncomfortable emotions.....
But, I'm getting there.
So I guess I "decided" yesterday afternoon, that getting a break from being a parent, is ONE thing I DO NEED once in awhile.
I wish there was another answer, other than my mom/dad...... But at least right now, there really isn't.  When I'm not working a whole lot, which may happen a bit this winter, that time will be MUCH easier to come by.
But, I do need to keep at least a few hours per week at the "top" of the priority list.
I guess I felt like I was being SELFISH, before? Before I really thought it completely through.
Now, it doesn't seem selfish at all, to want to be a BETTER parent..... MORE patience makes me a better parent,,,, a longer end on my fuse, or firecracker, that is, makes me a better parent.
I love that kid TO DEATH....... I don't hardly remember what I did, BEFORE he was around, even.
And yesterday, Mike says "just what the hell did we do all the time, before him?"    ha ha ha ha, wait,
I don't know???        was my reply
I knew I wanted kids, after I got through being a teenager, and everyone always said, Oh its gonna CHANGE EVERYTHING.....
I used to think, Well, of course it is, in a way, , , , they'd also say something like, oh, just wait, your life will NEVER be the same..........
NOW, now I know what they were talking about...... I thought I knew before, but they were RIGHT, I really had NO CLUE............
it DOES change every single aspect in life. EVERY one..............
being a parent lasts, FOREVER............
and I can KINDA see how my mom still sees me as her "child" even though I'm an adult..... Sam is still a "baby" to me.
That's about all I've got for today.......
Work's fairly steady, so can't complain there,
the weather sucks, but I guess I had better get used to that!!!
and now, it's going to be dark when I go to work and when I come home!!
Oh, and GOTTA VOTE today!!!!!!!!!!!
everyone,
have a great Sunday  :-)

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