Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving~my son's specialist~exhaustion

If you were to take a photo, of my life
one year ago,
and today,,,,
they'd be unrecognizable as the same family......
WE Haven't changed, as much as every other single thing about our lives has. We moved, Mike's back to work(at a job he really likes), I'm THE (only) finisher at my job, my teeth sure look better :-),,   and we are HAPPY , honestly happy after some very big struggles & issues......
I have SOOOO much to be thankful for,,, and I truly do NOT take it for granted.
Last week, I worked mon-weds early/late every day,,,,, I was gone for two hours, in the middle of the day, to go to the "mental health evaluation"
When I got there, I was waiting for at least 15mins,,,,,
then , the "specialist" gets there, pretty much immediately,they take my son into another room, with the "assistant teacher"
So, the teacher leads me into a room the specialist lady is already sitting in, along with the "director" of the center, and another teacher/assistant I did not know. I was thinking,,,,
I thought this was an evaluation???
I was on my lunch break, so I'm pretty much covered in primer and paint.... I did TRY and clean up, but they are ALL looking at the paint, all up and down my forearms.
It was tense, I was nervous, these four "professionals" and ME, at a table to talk about ALL the problems/issues with MY son.......
So the specialist starts off by saying that she's been observing him since he started there, and he's definitely made improvements, with following along as the other   kids do, and all that.......
but she believes he has HIGH INTELLIGENCE for his age, AND he's probably HYPER-SENSITIVE to anything NEW< or LOUD (duh!) or overwhelming,,,,
children like him, that  "take in" EVERYTHING around them, are so far "ahead" of their age, that they get OVERWHELMED VERY EASILY......................

years, and she specializes in learning disabilities, extreme behaviors, and ADD/ADHD~~~~~WELL next what she said, shocked me, I'd have to say,,,,
she explains that she's been observing children my son's age  for over 17 years, and in that time she's only seen maybe 10 kids that were as "ahead" of their age; intellectually as HE IS.....

she also added~
Im not sure if he's add/adhd, he very well could be, , , , but it's just a BIT too early to tell right now, especially since he's just EXTREMELY
(im thinking,,, WHAT?????  MY kid????)
so, I talk about his "home behaviors" and how he absolutely does get worked up rather easily,,, he IS sensitive to almost too much of anything,,,,
and so on.
that we NEED to work on KEEPING him thinking/reasoning/rationing and KEEP his attention,,,,
with games, LOTS of hands -on type stuff, if we don't then he will get bored VERY easily,, and not "keep it up" basically, the wanting to learn EVERYTHING.......
which is NOT a bad thing, but IS a challenging thing, especially for parents.
It was GREAT to get some tips/advice on
WHAT to do, when he's overwhelmed and/or upset.
Since that happens fairly often.....
I actually learned a lot, and Feel MUCH better about things, now.......
Since weds,,
It's only been a couple of days, but the difference is AMAZING,,, with just knowing different ways to HELP him handle things, being better at NOT overwhelming him, and knowing what to do in 'unfamiliar' situations, like thanksgiving dinner with all the family....    :-)
I find myself  not yelling, AT ALL..... Being much more patient,,, and I thought I was good at "picking my battles" before...............
But honestly, I've gotten much better at it the last few days...   :-)
The BIGGEST difference,
is with HIM.... He just seems over-all more calm,,, and less anxious.....
I want him to STAY happy.... So we will KEEP working at this, keep doing our very best....
The appointment at preschool lasted almost 45 mins. So I missed almost TWO HOURS of work.....I definitely made it up though..........
Overall, I liked the specialist lady,
I felt like she was TRYING to help, and not TRYING to diagnose him way too early. In her opinion, you can't even START to look for ADD/ADHD until "full  day" school begins.... Makes sense to ME......
We went to the store, thanksgiving day, before our "get-together" they did have some early sales............ We ended up having my Mom help, with her discount, we got Sam one of those HUGE power wheel Jeeps,,,
the TWO-seater ones!!! Weight limit is  140 pounds!!
I'm SUPER excited to give it to him!!!
He's going to be SOOO shocked............ We're going to give it to him for his birthday,,, I CAN'T wait til the END of December, to give it to him!!! NO WAY!
Last year,
We could only buy him a couple of small things, and for Christmas, he was on the "giving tree" so he got a bag of presents, which I was VERY appreciative of....
So, this year, I'd really like to grab a name off the tree, and let MY son, pick out a present for a kid that was in OUR spot, last year.......
I wish I could do even MORE than that, but "baby steps", right???
that's how I've gotten THIS FAR!!!
you know,
it REALLY IS shocking, how much you can REBUILD your life, in a year and a half....
think about how FAST that goes by ....................
Yet, it's enough time to change just about EVERYTHING and then some.....
It took around 6 years to slowly destroy everything,
especially the last two.............
and I really didn't think I'd be where I am now, ALREADY.......
I know I sure have worked my ASS off to get here, I just for some reason thought it might take SIX years , to get it "back on track"
I guess it's all about
HOW BAD YOU WANT TO....... How hard your willing to work!!!
it's overwhelming when you start to think,
you'll be dealing with "cravings"
the REST OF YOUR LIFE...............
Thanks for listening to  my completely exhausted thoughts  today............
thanksgiving was great,,
other than NOT relaxing over a four day weekend, as I thought it was going to be, about two weeks ago, before all hell broke loose........
My lil guy is asleep at the moment,
but I KNOW he's been missing his mommy very much, the last week or so,
and it's not going to be ANY BETTER until after the 1st..............
When he wakes up I'm taking him to the PARK!!!
the sun is out today, even though it's cold, NO RAIN, and WE are going to do something with it!!!
Leaving you with a picture of his FIRST birthday, and his FIRST christmas :-)
~~~ Technically, it's his SECOND Christmas, he was just nine days old,
FIRST christmas~~~


Sunday, November 18, 2012

another year older & the week I learn how much my son is like me, already

hello again, friends.....................
Well, I'm another year older,,, I dont know about wiser, though!!!
who the hell came up with that saying , anyway????
Everyone knows your memory and general health decline with age,
so what part of that makes you wiser???
Even if it DID,
you won't remember anyway!!!
Yesterday, I turned 31
I sure am glad that I turned my life around.......... all though truth be told, if I hadn't I'm not sure I'd even BE HERE...................
Last week, I had a meeting with my son's preschool teacher.
sounds fun already, right???    :-)
I've handed down my very SHORT attention span, along with other symptoms,
of ADHD. No, it's not for certain yet, but you could say I already had my suspicions...........
I was just hopeful that he would "grow out" of it. you know, he'll be 4 years old next month, and I thought it was TOO EARLY to really tell.
They have mental health specialists "observe" the kids in class, twice a month.
let's just say my son is ON the radar.......
Also, he's got just a little bit of a speech delay.
he really always has, if you ask me. . . . . .
actually we've been to TWO of their "evaluations" as recommended by his pediatrician at 24 months, and again at 30 months.
he scored JUST above the 'cutoff' for speech therapy, BOTH TIMES........
well, you know, I said something at that time, even then, asked if there was ANY
way he could get in...........NOPE...................
but now, now I guess they are ready to do SOMETHING about it.
Part of the problem,,,
he's had his four front top teeth pulled,,,,
he fell about 3 feet at 19mos old or so, and chipped part of his front tooth off.
We went to the pediatrician, then to the pediatric dentist, the week it happened.
they didnt want to do ANYTHING, at that time, they said it wasn't "worth surgery"
time went by,,,, and basically the break turned to rot, which rotted the OTHER front
tooth. FINALLY we got a "referral" to the pediatric orthodontist, in portland.
it took SIX MONTHS to get in THAT time, another tooth was rotten
we go to the appointment, and they do schedule surgery,,,,, the surgery is 3 months away..... at his appt they have you sign ALL KINDS of papers, I mean honestly you don't even know what your reading!!!!!!! or SIGNING!!!!
the point of all this,
it was just about a year to the day, he had surgery from the time his first chipped tooth looked rotten.
Surgery day, was NOT say the least............but we made it, and NOW
you know he has a hard time pronouncing certain things.
no shit ,, right????
I cannot remember which evaluation I'm going to this wedsday, but I'm going to sit with him through either the speech evaluation or the the ADD/ADHD evaluation.
this is very hard for me, to digest.
I feel guilty,
I'm worried for the road ahead of's going to be a difficult one, if he IS indeed diagnosed ADD.....
On a positive note, I can honestly say they know how to "handle" kids with ADD much better NOW then they did when I was in school.
(oh jeeeez I sound OLD)
ADHD/ADD was looked at more as a disciplinary issue, than a disorder.
I don't even like calling it that. WE just learn differently than most people.
Most of Us (add-ers) are more sensitive to stress/anxiety than most,
and that's because we try to take everything in ,, ALL at one time.
What's wrong with being different???
ha ha ha ha ha     .... his teacher said for an example,,, she has to "re-direct" him up to six or seven times..... after instructions,, like "go to circle for storytime"
She explained that he repeats the instruction back to her, but just gets 'sidetracked' on the WAY..............   Ohhh do I EVER know how he feels.....
she said she does NOT believe he's being defiant,,, he REALLY IS trying, it's just NOT happening.................
So, I started a NEW blog-----------------------------
the point of that one, is to share/process things from my past. I know I've talked some about my past, here.....
But this is to really think things over, and let go of emotional baggage I have associated with certain things.
I'm going to keep it "light" as possible, and have as much humor as possible with each story......
some stories WILL be sad, but hopefully I can at least make one person feel a lil better by writing it,,, NOT to mention, growing and working on my recovery for
I didn't write anything last week, think I might have had writer's block,,,,,
ha ha ha
seriously, I just didn't feel like sharing anything.
NOW this week is a different story.............I'm a bit overwhelmed about my son going through these evaluations, and being poked at.
I mean, he's NOT EVEN FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn't his life,,, what lies ahead of him even if he's NOT ADD going to be hard enough as it is???
whats wrong with just painting and being a kid in PRESCHOOL for awhile????
Society creates this "image" we all need to "fit" into,,,
and anyone that doesn't,,,, is an outsider.
TRUTH be told, I think a lot of people that SEEM to fit in this "box" per say,,,
are the WEIRDEST of them ALL!!!!!!
you KNOW I'm right!!......................maybe?
OH, one more thing, on this topic...... the teacher says, if he does NOT qualify with his "scores" for speech therapy,,,, I can have MY DOCTOR write a letter saying I was a drug addict (aka,,,, used prescription-or whatever- drugs WHILE pregnant)
I don't know how I feel about THIS ONE.......... honestly, at first I was like "ok"
I'll do whatever I need to, to make sure he gets the help he needs. I'm actually the
one that brought up his "delay" problems, when he started preschool. they ask if there's anything you'd like them to work on , with your child.
that's what I said, help with his speech. It's a big issue for me, for him to speak like the "other kids" by the time he's in grade school.
Anyway,,,,,,,,   I'm REALLY uneasy about volunteering that sort of information.......even though I know I could give my dr. some kind of 'outline' asking him to say some positive things, too. you know, the fact I've got a record of 19 MONTHS of good drug screens, the first six months via blood test.
That must count for something, right???
I'm torn, I really am,,,,, but I'm leaning towards just seeing if he gets in, FIRST, then dealing with the possibility of the letter, later.
okay, enough on that scary ass subject..... I'll write more on that,
when I find out more..............................
WORK, work, work!!!
That's what I've been up to!!! up to my freaking EARS in it, actually. . . . . .
awesome though,,, to be getting OVERTIME,, right before Christmas,,, and maybe even a bonus....
now how great would that be?????
So, the deal is, my boss took on  a "rush" contract, for a BIG hotel, in cannon beach,,,, I have until the first of the month, to sand, stain and top coat (3coats) around 4,000 feet of trim.............MOST of it is 5/4 by 12 inches..... (5/4-means a full inch.)
NICE,, huh??
the problem is,,
I have 16 cabinet doors and 3 exterior doors IN THE shop NOW, that HAVE to be done
before I can even START the hotel.
I worked yesterday, YES, my birthday.
It's OK though,,, saturday will actually be ON my paycheck right before Thanksgiving.
Just couldn't turn down the overtime..... NOPE, not in winter,, not this close to Christmas!!!!
my boss(es) got pretty dang happy, when I said I would work my birthday, and I also said I could work the friday and saturday after thanksgiving.
Basically,,, if I can get this job done on schedule,,, I'll be UN-replaceable, in their eyes.
I mean,,
right now, I sort of already am,,, it will just prove I'm that much MORE valuable,
if I get this done on time. And they shared with me, last week, if I don't need any help like from the temp service, we can figure out a percentage of profit, for a bonus.
I'm IN..... I'm all over it........
On friday,,, a bid was being passed back and forth for a job painting 25 doors and
I worked from about 630am to 6pm, all week except friday, since I had the meeting with my son's teacher.
I plan on doing the same thing next week.... with the exception of thanksgiving.
and I MIGHT go shopping on friday, before work.....
Honestly, I have NOT been able to go shopping on "black friday" for YEARS and years.  I used to do MOST of my "shopping" when it was just Mike and I,,, years ago,, on that day.
I'm talking about 2003 or so..... that's awhile, isn't it???
Obviously, when the majority of your $$$ is going to drugs, shopping isn't high on the list of priorities!!!
Last year, we were just too broke, to shop much, let alone black friday......
I'm so happy we are doing so well,,,,,,
Mike finally has a fairly good-paying job, that he's proud of,,,, he still would LIKE to have benefits for the family, but steady work with good pay, is NOTHING to complain about these days!!!!
We were talking last night, how right now, is probably the best we've ever been.......
financially, even though we are about to file chapter 7 bankruptcy,,,,
we both have steady jobs, and that's really important,,,
a decent place to live,
and finally a healthy relationship.............  we are still going to marriage counseling,
he's been learning about "co-dependency" and so have I,,,  :-)
About his "role" now,
now that I'm not strung-out,,, and don't need him to "take care of me" anymore.
I never looked at things, from that point of view, before going to that session.
He goes in for one-on-one counseling, before it's both of us,
I see an addiction specialist,
and we also have done two "family counseling" sessions.
Those two have been the MOST challenging,,,,    I'm doing the very best I can,,,
in all areas of my life.... parenting, is tough though.
Helping this "little you"
learn things, and show them how to deal with the rest of their life, that's a HUGE responsibility....... HUGE!!!!
and WHY DON'T they "give you a book?"
sounds like a good plan to ME,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,then years later, when your adult child says something about their childhood, you could just say,,,
"well, the BOOK told me to, so that's what i did"
ha ha ha
it was a nice thought.
I didn't have time to go help out grandma yesterday,,,, I tried doing at least a few things, while I was there, for dinner last night..... she kept getting "after me" cuz I'd worked so much last week, already.
I don't care HOW much I work, she still needs help,, and I'm going to do it!!!
it helps me feel better about all the bullshit I put her through...... PLUS she can't really do it,,, so there ya go,,, helps BOTH of us.
LAST WEEKEND,,, Sam stayed the NIGHT, at my mom and dads!!!!
YEP, allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll night!!!
couldn't believe it!!!  now that he's slept there once, I sure freaking hope, he can go back!!!!     We didn't do much, we were both pretty tired,, it was just REALLY NICE to have a quiet evening,,, and not worry about what he's "in to now"
ALL the time,,, NOT to mention, I actually slept in the next morning, slept til 745,,,
UNHEARD OF, for me!!!
Guess I needed it!!!   It really was "foreign" to not hear him, but a much needed break.
We have a challenging child ,,,,
that's for certain.... he's just VERY busy/active and wants to be "engaged" in SOMEthing, non-stop........
Hmmmmmmmm that sure sounds familiar!!!!
ha ha ha ha ha ha
I'm already growing grey hair, on the top of my head thinking about the future,,, all the detentions in OUR future,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,     :-)      that's what they did for "add" when I was in school,,,,,,,, gave you detention!! oh YEA, that helps!!

Thanks for reading,,, that's all I've got for now.
Definitely will write more, as I find it out, about my son........

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Being a parent, and a recovering addict.......

so, first I want to say, sorry that the last couple posts, here have been short and not much to them,,,,,, I don't want to STOP writing all-together, cuz well, it's good for me to do it.......
I was kind of having some personal stuff going on, like REAL personal. . . . . . . .
almost an identity crisis I would call it???
You know, 
questioning EVERYTHING,,,, from my job to my marriage to where I live...
one thing I will say is that during this whole two week or so period,,,,
I did NOT want to "get high" to deal with it!!!! That shows MILES of improvement , right there!!!!!!!!!!!!! now, YES, I did THINK about drugs some,,,,
of course, I'm an addict.... BUT there was no serious planing going on,, or ANYTHING of that nature....
I did shut down a little bit,,,, but eventually came around, and shared my feelings and I just think that is a HUGE accomplishment......
That shows just HOW MUCH I've grown up in the last year and a half.
My 31st birthday is drawing EVER so closer!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that I'm "okay" with it, now.
that wasn't the ONLY reason for this whole identity issue, but I think it DID play a small part in it........................
I became obsessive and withdrew from just about everyone, but not for too long.... Like I already mentioned, I came around, and shared what I was going through.........................
back to life we go!!!!
Okay, first of all,,,, when I first started working at my job,,,, ya know I was about three weeks into suboxone therapy......... AND, my driving record was HORRIBLE.........
i had two speeding tickets, two seat belt tickets, 2 NON-fault accidents, AND a "talking on the cell while driving" ticket!!!
well, now that Im the ONLY one working, ,, , , Brian would REALLY like for me to be able to drive..........See, the insurance DENIED adding me to the company insurance when I got the job, because of the record.................
I haven't gotten ANY tickets since starting this job,,, now about 17 months ago!!!!   so, I went to DMV, and got a transcript of my driving record.
the ONLY things left on there,,,,,,,
one NON-fault accident,,, (even  made a copy of the letter, then insurance sent me, saying it WAS NOT my fault! case went to arbitration)
AND, one speeding ticket, got it in FEBUARY of 2010   74/55
AND, the cell phone ticket,,,,
that's IT.....
and still, the DENIED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss, was KINDA pissed!! and, I even said, ya know, I dont know HOW MUCH of  a difference the company would have to pay for a different carrier, BUT it MIGHT be worth it,,,,
If you think is it cheaper to HIRE someone to do deliveries, OR change insurance carriers,  so that I would be able to be insured......
So, he's looking into it,,,,,
my speeding ticket comes OFF my record, in febuary.......
the thing that makes me SO MAD, is that NO matter what,,, 
if there is a REPORTABLE accident, with your licence plate/driver's license #
ANY of the above, it counts as FOUR POINTS on your record!!!
and there's not a DAMN thing you can do about it,,, for THREE YEARS!!!
guess all of this explains WHY I pay almost two HUNDRED bucks a month, for LIABILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That WHOLE situation is FRUSTRATING,,,,,,,,, But, at LEAST my boss, is willing to "work with me" on it!!    so see, later in the winter, when there's not much prefinish, I won't have many hours, TIL I can do deliveries as well.........
Just the way it is right now, and THAT'S OKAY......
my mom and dad took Sam for the afternoon and evening......
I sat in the livingroom for damn near TWO hours, No T.V. on, I read the paper and my voter's pamplet,,,, IN THE COMPLETE QUIET...........
Oh man,,, I did NOT realize how MUCH I needed that....
seriously, I knew I needed a BREAK,, a couple hours without hearing MOMMY,, mommy!! MAA MAA MAA MAAAAAA!!!
but, I didn't realize it was THAT bad,,or that much in "need"
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Mike and I, went and ate Pizza, talked, without interruption,,,,
FORGOT what that was like!!!
there really are a WHOLE LOT of little things in this world, that CAN bring you complete happiness.
I think you just have to be WILLING to let it? or something like that.
I'm no philosopher..... that's a fact!
When Sam was younger, I wasn't stressed about much of ANYthing,
I didn't really care? I'm not sure what it was..... I know I was much too sick,
to care most of the time, , , I was being much too selfish..........
My point is, I don't remember feeling this way before,,,,,,,
it's like i can FEEL my "fuse" running shorter and shorter each day.
And I DONT mean for it to be that way,,, I really DO NOT.....
the world around me, just FEELS like it slowly stacks on my shoulders,
suffocating me,,,,,, in an ever so slow horrible kind of a way-----
but yesterday,,,,,
being "kid-less"   I felt my nerves UNwind, instead of the other way around......
slowly, too.....
Almost comparable to when your tired, sleeping.
NOW I feel like I can "handle" things a few more days.
Sam has never stayed the night, away from us..........  so, I have NO idea, IF he's ready for that, but I don't see WHY he wouldn't be???
I'm not sure when we'll try for it, but I'm definitely going to have to start asking for MORE afternoons with "Nana & papa"
If I'm ever going to STAY SOBER, that is!!
when your a drug addict, that's the ONLY 'release' for anything and everything you KNOW..... and after awhile, its the ONLY one you want, the only one you can "see" and as far as YOUR brain's concerned, its the only "way'' that WILL even work............
yesterday,,, walking around Costco, it just kind of "hit me"
that I've really climbed out of a deep dark hole.........
honestly, there's not a WHOLE BUNCH of people that come from the place I did....    You're probably thinking, well that's a GOOD thing.
it is, and its also NOT.....
For opiate addicts,, mainly heroin addicts.... relapse IS deadly............
My doctor AND therapist remind me of that, ALL the time.
Now, I'm on suboxone, so the "chances" are definitely LOWER, considerably.
But, as my dose DE-creases, that "bad" chance, IN-creases........
How do I change that???
I'm still trying to figure that out....
but everything I've learned SO FAR, everything I've been told, or "exercises" I've completed,,,,,,,
the ALL say you HAVE to take care of YOURSELF,,,,, mentally, physically, spiritually, ALL of it,,,,,,,,, If your a body builder but you pay NO attention to your MENTAL health, you might be "sicker" than most,,,,,
It has to be looked at, as a complete "package" or none of it, counts.
I have to stay scared of my past........
reminding myself DAILY of where I COULD be, thinking of things that HAVE happened, is the way I do that, and by talking to NEW patients at the clinic I go to, is another way.... Seeing the hopelessness in their eyes, is a real GOOD reminder, of how I felt. the desperation. . . . . . . . . . .
Now I'm learning to "process" my feelings,,,,,,
Oh yea, that's a whole BUNCH of fun, too!!!
It's frustrating, to FEEL uncomfortable emotions.....
But, I'm getting there.
So I guess I "decided" yesterday afternoon, that getting a break from being a parent, is ONE thing I DO NEED once in awhile.
I wish there was another answer, other than my mom/dad...... But at least right now, there really isn't.  When I'm not working a whole lot, which may happen a bit this winter, that time will be MUCH easier to come by.
But, I do need to keep at least a few hours per week at the "top" of the priority list.
I guess I felt like I was being SELFISH, before? Before I really thought it completely through.
Now, it doesn't seem selfish at all, to want to be a BETTER parent..... MORE patience makes me a better parent,,,, a longer end on my fuse, or firecracker, that is, makes me a better parent.
I love that kid TO DEATH....... I don't hardly remember what I did, BEFORE he was around, even.
And yesterday, Mike says "just what the hell did we do all the time, before him?"    ha ha ha ha, wait,
I don't know???        was my reply
I knew I wanted kids, after I got through being a teenager, and everyone always said, Oh its gonna CHANGE EVERYTHING.....
I used to think, Well, of course it is, in a way, , , , they'd also say something like, oh, just wait, your life will NEVER be the same..........
NOW, now I know what they were talking about...... I thought I knew before, but they were RIGHT, I really had NO CLUE............
it DOES change every single aspect in life. EVERY one..............
being a parent lasts, FOREVER............
and I can KINDA see how my mom still sees me as her "child" even though I'm an adult..... Sam is still a "baby" to me.
That's about all I've got for today.......
Work's fairly steady, so can't complain there,
the weather sucks, but I guess I had better get used to that!!!
and now, it's going to be dark when I go to work and when I come home!!
Oh, and GOTTA VOTE today!!!!!!!!!!!
have a great Sunday  :-)