Sunday, October 7, 2012

Moments of clarity: about my mom, and highschool

Ahhhhh, Sundays............
So peaceful, and feels like every thing's "okay" at least for today............

Work was busy as hell, this week. Got all that trim in for that museum, and the funny thing is, some of it is for 'arched windows'.......
so the trim is about 12 inches wide and its curved (obviously) but its like 14 feet long!!! At first,,, Im like, what the F am I gonna do with this???? by myself???
paint BOTH sides? yea right!!!!

well, I figured out that they WILL sit on a set of sawhorses, but yes, your spraying what feels like its on the ceiling. LOL
so, my arms are sore. . . . .
first time in a LONG time, but they are.
So, not even half way thru all that trim, and worked pretty much a full week last week. It's nice to know I've got at least one more........There's a few doors due in, also. Maybe this is how it'll go? I can handle just working one job (project) at a time. Just fine with me!! whatever keeps me busy..............

Next Weekend, I'll have 18 months on suboxone. No "slips" or anything.
Feels great, really does.
I'm doing better, with taking less. My good friend says, "progress not perfection"
so, I'll take that, any day over the OTHER option. . . .
It's definitely easier to take less, with something controlling my ADHD symptoms, THATS a fact.
For the most part, my anxiety is still very minimal.
I still cannot believe how bad it actually was, what I was actually putting up with on a daily basis, and what I thought was 'normal'
Well, I knew it wasn't normal, but I thought it was MY normal.

You know, I had this moment of clarity the other day.......
I was thinking about what STARTED my addiction, what made it continue, even when I wanted it to stop, and whats different THIS time around, when I stopped.
Obviously the suboxone thing is different. But there's alot more to it, than that.

Okay, so sorry if I've talked about this before, I cannot remember. LOL
But, I always felt different as a kid. My mom can attest to this.
She always told me, 'we are ALL made different, wouldn't it be a boring world, if we were all the same'
Yes, it would be. But high school might be a bit easier to get thru........LOL
One thing I must say though, props to mom, for letting me BE different. I've seen so many parents who try to convince their children, to 'be like everyone else' or be 'normal' or whatever. My mom would ask me to act like a "human" once in awhile when I became demonic, but she never told me not to build tree forts, "because girls dont do that" or not to help my dad work on race cars, she always told me to do whatever made me happy. And although it made school pretty terrible, I'm happy she didn't convince me not to, otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today. (I also didnt 'dress' like the average girl, my age)
I love what I do today.... I may not ever get rich doing it, but I do enjoy it. And what more could you really ask for, right??
So, back to my point, if you would have told her and my dad I was going to be a union carpenter at 19, they probably would not be shocked. Since at 12 years old I had a three story tree fort built in the woods behind our house. You know, that thing was STILL standing when they tore it down, maybe 5 years ago to build a four-plex back there?
Even at 12 I might have had a 'natural talent'
Now, I have to tell you this story about it.......and then I'll get back on topic.........
So I and the neighborhood kids were building this gi-normous thing, right?
My dad was letting us  use hammers, nails and a handsaw. When it got time to put the 'deck' on, (NO idea what I called it, then) I was 'brainstorming' it would take FOREVER to cut all the wood into 2' chunks.
My dad was at work........So I went into the garage and found the skill saw.
Im 12 remember, maybe even 11, and I start cutting up wood, MUCH to my lil friends' surprise. One of them says, "my dad's friend cut his fingers off with one o' them"
I say, that's cuz he was stupid.
LOL
So, Im cutting, I have NO idea what Im doing by the way, it DID scare me, that I remember. Next thing I know, my mom comes busting out the door, obviously she hears the saw going.........
"AMBER, WHAT are you DOING??"
"dad lets me use this all the time"
"ummm are you SURE??"
"yes, Im sure mom"
"well, BE CAREFUL, those are dangerous, I dont think you are supposed to be using it when he's not here, and he'll be home soon"
"OK, mom"
As soon as the door shut, I KNEW I had better HURRY THE HELL UP and get done, because after dad pulled in the driveway it was gonna be a LONG time before I was using the saw again!!!!
And, thats what happened. The next day, we were using ROCKS to nail nails into the boards. But, I did get everything cut.
Not bad, eh???

So, you could see, how I was different, right?
very different. So, what I have to tell you know is, the FIRST time I did drugs, I felt normal.
for some reason, I felt like everyone else. Like, I could talk to anybody, they wouldn't look at me like I was some kind of freak of nature. Looking back, I think everyone probably feels like a freak of nature between the ages of 12 and 20 maybe? maybe not 20, but definitely the entire time your a teenager.
Thats why I liked drugs so much.
At first it was alcohol and pot, then came cocaine and a little meth. But those things were all very easy to leave behind, compared to opiates. For some reason, an opiate buzz to me, felt like a nice warm blanket on a rainy day.
It just made everything better.
I would say that opiates were my first love. And honestly, my ONLY love for a long time.

Thats why Im scared to go off suboxone. This has been the ONLY thing, that's made me feel SOMEWHAT normal, since doing drugs in the first place.
Some folks claim your not clean, while your on suboxone.
I assure you,,, it does NOT make me high. I know Ive said THAT before. but it really is true.
This is why Im talking about this today.
If ever since you could remember, you felt like you were 'different' and not like everyone else, you know, what I just explained. The only thing that made me feel okay with it, I definitely had to leave behind, for reasons you already know.
And this is what I'm left with.
Part of me, is like you CAN do it, you can close this chapter and be done with it. But then, how will I feel???
How will I deal with everything???
Who knows!!! And honestly, it's obvious Im not ready yet. At least to me.
I know the new medication is helping alot. and maybe having all the anxiety issues gone, and OCD symptoms gone, will help me build the strength I need.
We will see.....................................................
Parents out there,
let your kids BE who they ARE. . . . Im not saying if you do or you don't they will become addicts. Hopefully NOT.......... I don't think the way I grew up had much at all to do with it. Like I said, my mother let me know, it was "OK" to be different, and she loved me FOR how different I was. (am)
My brother, wasn't your 'average' either. He still isn't. School was no paradise vacation  for him, either. Too bad we are 7 years apart, I think if we would have been a lil closer in age, and able to 'back each other up' it would have been different. LOL
As we got older we were able to do that. But ,it was much less needed.
Now, as a parent and an adult, whose seen a whole lot of different people, and different 'walks of life' I can say, I almost feel bad for the people who LOVED highschool. Not just loved it, I think its FINE if you 'loved' it, I mean the people who, THATS all they talk about.
thats all they DO, is 're-live' those high school memories. Over and over
There's a whole great big world out here!! didn't you know???
No, I didn't necessarily take the 'best' path out to it, thats true.
But, I did learn from my mistakes.
Another funny thing is, I'm willing to bet $$$,,, some of the girls that made fun of me for not dating, or making out, dressing in short skirts or wearing makeup, I'm willing to bet....... they are PRAYING thier kids, are like I WAS.
It IS funny, how life works out sometimes. Being a "late bloomer" (yep, mom said that was ok, too) Is NOT the worst thing in the world!!!

I commend my mom for being the best parent she could, and for letting me be who I wanted to be.
My son, does not 'follow' the crowd, either.
We had our first home visit, with the head start teacher(s). It was "ok" overall. but they said all the 'usual tactics' that work with 'other kids' dont work with him. I'm glad they seem to be open to new ideas, and dealing with it. We brainstormed a few ideas, like giving him something to look at/play with while he is supposed to be sitting down. This kid likes to be DOING something, all the time. Hmmmmm wonder where he gets that????

I'm going to embrace it, and love him FOR who he is, as it develops. As his interests develop. If he wants to sew his school clothes, I'm going to let him do it.  Lately, Ive thought, I wonder WHAT my mom thought the first time I told her I wanted to build a tree fort?? Or, I wanted to help dad with the race car??
LOL
Many people automatically assume that Im lesbian, when I tell them what I do, what Ive always done my adult life for 'work'
After I answer the 'question' then, they apologize for asking. I usually say, that's OK, I'd rather you ASK, then just assume........
LOL
but, sometimes I wonder if they notice how racist they are??
I don't mind the question. I was raised that we are ALL different, and if you can find HAPPINESS in this world, that's all that counts. My mom also used to tell me, when I had certain questions about people.......
"you or I might not AGREE with their lifestyle or their choices, but that doesn't mean we hate them, or judge them"
That, is some good advice right there.
there, is too much hate in this world, already.
and too much unhappiness too.
I hope my mom's not embarrassed about anything I've said today. That sure isn't what I was trying to do.
I'm trying to remember the things she told me, the things she taught me that have stuck with me. Surprisingly, they are the things I've thought about lately when I'm most uncomfortable. When I'm around judgemental people, or watching my son be 'different' from everyone else.
My first instinct, is to get him to 'conform'
But I dont think it's the right way.
I might not be big enough to change the world, but if I can change the way ONE person looks at someone else, its a good start.
I know I've changed at least a couple minds, about drug addicts.

Last night, Sam carved his pumpkin. Last year, we did a pumpkin at my mom's house, Sam carved one, kind of, with my dad. I really did not have much in the form of patience yet with a little over 6 months sobriety. At least I KNEW it, right? LOL
Anyways, so last night was the first one sam and I did together.
He was really excited, really happy that we were doing it 'together'
So, I took a couple pictures, of COURSE.............LOL


                                          the 'before'



                                              he was REALLY excited, that we had 'scary eyes' to put on it!!

                                              and the finished product.....................
                                            I cut the holes for the eyes, but he did pretty much
                                              everything else!!! Patience yes, definitely!!!!!
                                            too bad that doesnt come in the box!!

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