Sunday, October 14, 2012

18 months and a progress report

18 months, TODAY...........
yep, I really cannot believe it's been a year and a half, since everything changed.
This "birthday" has hit me harder than even a year did.
I started going to a support group for people ON suboxone, in July. Shortly after going there a few times, , , ,
there was a woman I met there celebrating 2 years on suboxone, no relapses, etc..................
we got into deep conversation about stuff in general, she had earned partial custody of her kids back, things like that.
The next meeting, she wasn't there.
The one after that, she came in , crying & really upset. You know, the swollen eyes from crying so much. . . . . . . two weeks before that, she relapsed. . . Not just once either, but about a three day "binge"
In that three days,
she lost custody of her kids again, which took TWO YEARS to get, got a DUI, went to jail for a week, and was going to be back ON probation of course. . . . . in THREE DAYS.
That's how FAST things go south.
So, there's a counselor there, at these groups.
He tells us that, even when we stop using, your addiction progresses, so if you go BACK to using, it does NOT take long, for things to fall apart very quickly. He explained that, AS our addiction progressed before you lost more and more, over time. WELL after your clean for however many months, the addiction is STILL progressing.
So that kinda leads me up to one thing I want to write about today......................
Theres a certain controversy,
whether "addiction" is a disease, or a choice.
Some even say "disorder"
Well, I always thought BEFORE when I didn't really consider myself an addict, that it was a choice.
Now, all the reading and research I've done on the subject, MY opinion is that yes, it MAY be a CHOICE, in the beginning,
but it's definitely leaning towards disease, disorder after that.
Did you know that addiction,
invades the SAME area of the brain, that is in 'charge' of telling you when your hungry, thirsty, to breath, ETC??????
I did NOT know that, until all of my 'research' started. LOL
But, I can tell you from experience that you definitely DO feel like your GOING TO DIE, if you don't 'get what you need'................
Actually as things progressed, I felt like it would be EASIER to die, than to keep going thru the cycle, keep circling the drain............
If you had someone/something tell you that you couldn't sleep, or couldn't eat, cuz "it's bad for you"
I bet it wouldn't go over to well.
Thats how it is, in the end. I'm not saying it's that way the first few times. The first few times I would definitely agree, it IS a choice.
for some people it's a choice to finally feel "normal" , or accepted, or "good" period.
And you gotta think, whats so wrong with that???
Most addicts are found to have at least ONE form of mental illness. whether its an anxiety disorder, or something even more serious..........
Disorder, disease, form of mental illness,,,,
whatever any of us THINK addiction is.............It's definitely a BIG problem, that is only getting bigger and bigger every day.
I'm talking about opiate abuse, mainly.
Many don't realise HOW someone could ever do heroin,,,, let alone be addicted to it.
There used to be this HUGE 'stigma' associated with heroin addicts, EVEN IN the drug addict community. They were dirty, homeless, whatever you want to say.
NOW, things are SOOO much different, because of the pain pills everywhere........... And the heroin is apparently stronger that it was ten years ago. . . So there isn't the 'need' to shoot up to get high, or take the dope sick away....... Ten years ago, according to what I've read, and what I've heard in lots of church basements, the only way to really "get" anything out of it, was to inject it.
This is very dangerous, now, for younger and younger people to "just" snort it or smoke it.
That doesn't have ANY of the stigma that injecting it does.
Do you see the problem??? So now the high school or early college kid that would "binge" on pills, can't find any, is offered some H, that they can snort or smoke, JUST like they did the pills.
The further I get from drugs,
the MORE I want to SAVE EVERYONE........................and the truth is,
it just doesn't happen as often as you'd like. "they say" you'll help at least 10 people that will fall right back down, before you have half a CHANCE at actually getting one that's 'ready' for it.........
Just like people that quit smoking,,,, it might take 40 'tries' but the 41st time "takes" and you actually quit.
Its so much nicer, here on the other side.
but its soooo very hard to get out of the drain. You have to first get out long enough to realise there is LIFE beyond getting high.
And, I have to admit,
it IS nice, fun, whatever the first few years, before you lose your ass.
I don't need to go into that ,,, though.
Once I heard the term...........
"drugs sell more than anything else, and there isn't any pretty commercials on TV, although theres lots of negative publicity about doing them"
...........true, very true
So, just to wrap up,,,, what I've done the last 18 months.........
First, I've worked a program thru counseling/therapy where you study where your addiction came from ,,,, what you loved about it, what you hated about it. How much you gave up for it, etc, etc, etc.....
(I still work somewhat of the same thing, thru group therapy)
I started working just a couple weeks after starting suboxone,, and I've been there every day since....... I did have ONE sick day, when I got a bad abscess in my mouth. the time it wasn't even going away with oral antibiotics, and I got "septic" I also missed a half day last week, cuz my son had a really bad fever one night. My grandma had to have tests done in portland, and my mom took her. so all my 'backup' was GONE.
Mike and "split" the day in half, he actually wasn't even scheduled for anything until 1130am, so it worked out perfect!!!
My boss was very cool about it. Obviously because my "attendance" record is pretty damn good.
WE MOVED!!!!! this has been the biggest thing for me, besides getting my teeth fixed. I'm sooo much happier coming home here. It's not instant depression as soon as I'm close to my house. LOL
Our place is always pretty clean. Even when it's messy, its just Sam's toys , and blankets and dog toys on the floor. Our apartment was hard to keep clean, it was so run down, the carpet was so old, it was DARK, even with the lights on/windows open.
TEETH,,,, yes, a huge thing. One of the reasons I started this blog. I didnt realise at that time, what a huge transition it would be.
I don't take my teeth out at night, I don't have to "soak" them, (I brush them, and use a cleaner but it only takes ten mins for the cleaner, usually while Im in the shower), and my husband still hasn't ever seen me without the top plate in my mouth!!! He did come in the bathroom once while I was in the shower to ask me something...........when I didn't answer him, I'm pretty sure he saw my teeth on the counter in the cleaner. . . . and made a quick exit. of course he says it wouldn't bother him, but he's also said that if I don't want him to see me, that's fine too.
Parenting classes, marriage counseling, and group therapy.
All these things have helped me really see what my addiction took away, what I've been able to gain back by quitting, and most importantly it helps me progress in my "recovery"
the worst thing for a recovering addict, is to forget where they came from. To forget the desperation  and hopelessness that was overwhelming in the beginning.
There's also a program thru the group,,, which is thru the doctor's office, and once you've done really "well" on suboxone therapy: meaning all good drug tests, not missing appointments, not missing "counts" etc: you can "help" a new person that is just starting out. You answer questions about induction, help them find the right dose, ETC.
It is such a great feeling to HELP another person. . . that's where what I talked about earlier goes into play, though. . . .

On top of ALLL that,
I've completely changed my life. . . . . I do eat better, cook meals, clean up the house, exercise a few times a week, spend time doing thins with sam (paint, glitter/glue, go for walks or walk beside him while he rides his bike, tons of stuff like this) I also help my grandma with MANY things around her house(trash out, recycle stuff, clean outside, wash her car, washed the house recently, pretty much anything that needs to be done), I've volunteered at Sam's school twice since he's started, and plan on doing it more, All these things "normal" people do. . . .
I didnt do  for years.
Going to work every day and paying bills, , , ,  there's something to be said for that, as well.
I feel lucky because I do like my job. But even then, it feels old sometimes. Thats why it's good to get out and enjoy things, when you can. . . . .
My life doesn't really have any of the people it used to in it. there are a FEW, I mean, less than THREE, that I did do drugs with at one time, that I talk to now. But, they are either clean, or really struggling to BE clean.
Life sure isn't easy,
or fair.
I feel like I'm on the right road these days, at least.......
overall, I'm happy with the way things are going.
I'd really like to buy  an ATV or something. That's the goal I'm sorta leaning towards next.
AS for my ADHD...........................
The doctor upped my dosage last week.
and I do feel better. . . . . at least I don't feel the anxiety creeping back in, during the afternoon like it was.
That's the ONE thing I've noticed the most. I know I have already mentioned that in here. but it's just SO DIFFERENT. Not worrying about things you KNOW are stupid to worry about but you can't help it.
We seem to be having a windy day today, and I know before the meds, I'd be worrying about the roof or SOMETHING.
worrying ALL DAMN DAY..........
*****relief***** feels sooo nice.
I feel like I've come a long way, in 18 months. . . . . I still have a long way to go.
There are times I get depressed when I think that I'll NEVER be able to take pain pills again. I'm pretty sure thats why they say ,,,,
"one day at a time"
I also miss being the person who everyone wants to talk to, go "see", whatever. . . . . . you know, from my days of selling to support my habit. Which, I wasn't too good at, by the way. I could never support my habit. that's a pipe dream!!!!!
My 'habit' consumed everything I had, and everything around me.
the 'shit tornado' as I've called it before.
thats the BEST description I can come up with. All in all, I think my shit tornado, was 8 years long,,, and 6 lives wide.
So, if there's anybody reading this,
that is sucked up into their very own shit tornado,,,, you CAN get out of it, and 'make it'
there IS life on the other side.
No, it's not easy..............even on suboxone, its NOT easy.
but it IS possible.
If you are someone close to an addict, or one in recovery, I get the question alot , "I don't know how to help"
the easiest answer,
is you can't really.........honestly, until THEY are ready ,,,, there's nothing you can do, except BE THERE for when they ARE ready. Then, and only then, you can be a shoulder to lean on, or cry on. Someone to just LISTEN, not talk but listen, when they have something they need to talk about.
One more thing, Just because a person says, "I kinda feel like getting high today, but I'm not going to,,, I just feel like I miss it today"
THAT does NOT mean, you need to worry about a relapse.
This means, they are SHARING their feelings with you. All you need to do is say something like, thats great, your NOT going to get high today. I'm so happy/proud/look up to you for that.
I've shared those feelings before, only to be met by the person that loves me to needlessly WORRY that I was going to relapse. LOL
But, I didn't. And I'm not going to, at least not today!!!!!
Being a parent,
is frustrating these days. More on that, next week. LOL
Work, is fairly busy.
the boss is gone all week next week. . . . . YAY......actually I work just the same, whether he's there or NOT.
the weather sucks, but maybe we'll go to the beach and look for stuff from Japan, when the kiddo wakes up from his nap!!!!
that might be fun. . . . . . .
Thanks for letting me share,
thanks for reading.
THANKS for all the support, the last 18 months, even though the ones that know me well,,,,,,, had "heard it ALL before"
and I didn't deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

new pics of Fritz and 'his' boy!!!   and....... Sam and his salamander
............I made him let the salamander go back to his "mommy" after two days................LOL

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