Sunday, October 28, 2012

Some thoughts for today,,, & school pics

SUCCESS!!!!!!
at last,,,, I WON out, against the damn washing machine,,,,,
on Wednesday when the part came in.........................
No water on the floor..........
the new washing machine actually works SO much better than the old one did.
I guess I didn't really notice, until we had one that worked better.
the clothes dry in ONE cycle through the dryer instead of TWO.... I washed our bedding and our blankets are MUCH softer than they ever were, being washed in the old machine................. VERY happy to say the least!!!
Last week,,,, 
was a lil rough on me...... I worked a lot,,, coming in early and staying late, and since Im the only one working in the shop right now, it just feels like EVERYTHING rests on MY shoulders........
But, I made it. That's what counts. Not every week is that hard, which is GREAT, , , for one, because Im not sure I could "make it" or hold myself together so well, if that was my "normal"
I'm going to be 31 in a couple weeks......This birthday doesn't feel like nearly as big of a deal, as the last one did!!! the last one, was obviously, my FIRST one sober, in a very long time. Not to mention, turning 30 is no "easy" transition in your head.......
Saying "goodbye" to your 20's. UNLESS your 'relieved' to do so, KIND of how I felt last year.
In January of 2011,,,, just a few months before I actually got sober, I was trying, but failing miserably......... I remember thinking,,,
"your going to be 30 years old this year"
Is this REALLY what you pictured your life would be like??????
holy shit, NO, not one bit.  Maybe it was at that moment, I knew I couldn't go on like that, much longer......... I was circling the drain, but at least I knew it.
Anyway,,, I think it'll be just fine.... Not going to anticipate any depression or anything like that. but, we'll see.......
Sam is super-excited about going trick-or-treating! Last year, he was not really into it...... He thought getting candy was "ok" 
But after getting about 5 pieces of candy, he told me "thats enough mama" and wanted to go home.....LOL
First kid EVER to be FINE with having just a little bit of candy!!!
I think THIS year, he'll be a little more "into it"
I want to take a minute,,,,
to talk about the anti-suboxone bandwagon that seems to be rolling around. . . 
LOL
it's my belief, or my HOPE that most people that hate it, don't understand it.
Since I'm now someone that my doctor thinks others can look up to,,,,
I get asked a lot of questions, about what to do, when someone new to suboxone has a family that is NOT understanding nor supportive about it.
I usually send them here...........
http://www.naabt.org/education.cfm
you can also order a packet of information,,, comes with pamphlets, and a couple articles written by well-established writers of the medical community...........
that's what I usually tell people to do, order that packet, and ask your family to read through there, and see if it doesn't help. 
sometimes,
I get almost a feeling of jealousy,,, that some one quit cold turkey, and they call it "white knuckling" through sobriety.....
some people can do that,,,, I was just never one of them, AFTER doing opiates.
But I have heard some recovering addicts say,,, "I had to just quit, there was no lil pink pill for me to take"
Is that why the relapse rate is still WELL over 90%??????
probably......
It's probably a lot of reasons..........
there's many people that DO take suboxone to "get high" but these people are not Tolerant to opiates any longer. That's the ONLY way you can catch ANY kind of 'buzz' off of it, and even then, it's pretty uncommon to get a "nod" or anything like what I would call a REAL "opiate buzz"
Methadone is another stigmatized medication,,,,,
Now, I could never take methadone how you are ''sopposed to''
but there is some people that can.
I've come to the conclusion , now that if you find SOMETHING that works for YOU, then great.......
I hate that addiction takes SO MANY lives, at very young ages......
and one thing that IS  for certain, if you have an addict in your life, and you KNOW the risks of relapse, then you know that many relapses after any length of sobriety have the potential to kill the addict.
Addicts on suboxone (buprenorphine) are FAR LESS LIKELY to have a fatal overdose, because of the "blocking effect"
there's not nearly the depression of the central nervous system, which includes breathing.
Also,,, the "chance" they will actually FEEL an opiate buzz is VERY low......
the addict that's on suboxone or the like,,,
would have to "plan" a relapse, for it to be dangerous, at least two weeks ahead of time. Depending on what dose they are on..........  Most of my cravings have come and gone in a day or two.
suboxone has for sure helped me learn to control the IMPULSE to use, and to think about the consequences of my actions.
something I was obviously NEVER able to do, with a couple DAYS clean.
Instead, I would think about drugs, or think about that warm blanket feeling, and that was it,,,, I was "locked and loaded" on finding something, someway to get it.
It does get easier-
the cravings, the dreams of using again, 
But the 'trade off' is your recovery gets harder, more difficult tasks lay before you.
The hard thing to wrap your head around is that, you WILL never NOT be an addict.
I can't think about that, too much......
It's too overwhelming.
WELL, my son just woke up, 
and I actually promised him YESTERDAY that we'd go to the bounce around play park AFTER he took his nap......
he woke up from his nap, and we all got ready to go, I called just to make SURE they were open, and guess what???
they just so HAPPENED to close an hour early for some kind of maintenance. LOL
should have HEARD the screaming fit,,,,,,
but it was MY FAULT.....
I told him as soon as they opened TODAY, we would go......
I HAVE to make "good" on this, or he'll never believe me again!!!!!!!   LOL
thanks for reading,,,,
Here's his school pics, I couldn't get on the laptop last weekend.....................
its actually a picture of a picture, but HEY, it works!!!!.








Sunday, October 21, 2012

Death of a laptop+Me VS. the New washer

I'm writing today,
from a NEW computer...............
The other one, was sitting on the back of our recliner, while I had it plugged into the printer,,,,,,,
Sam came running down the hall, and JUMPED into the chair,
LAUNCHING the laptop off the back,
it hit the wall, battery flew off, you know it was lovely!!!!
Nope,
I didn't yell, , , I calmly asked to him to be MORE careful next time,,,,
and started putting it back together. . .
this wasn't the first time it fell...... Probably more like the third.
The first time it fell, it was from the railing of our porch ON to the CONCRETE sidewalk..............I thought it was broken for sure, then.
Well, it worked fine, THAT time. . . .
This time,
NOT so lucky........... When I got it turned back on, every time I tried to open ANYTHING, it would say "program not responding"
know how irritating THAT IS??????
So, the next morning, Mike got up at like 5am, because he has to print out his "jobs" every morning, and Scan in a "driver's log"
every night, to get paid on time......................
he got it to work, somehow for long enough to print his jobs, I had scanned his report, the night before that's what I was doing when it fell.
I get home from work that night, (thursday) and SAME SHIT<<<<<
"program not responding"
ONLY this time around ,,,,, it won't even open files on the HARDRIVE!!!!!!!
I reset it, what felt like a thousand times!! I did the "system restore"
thing, let it "reconfigure all files"
EVERYTHING I could think of!!!!!!!
Still, nothing, , , , NOW, it was FREEZING up at the "welcome to windows" screen.................................
WELL,
I didn't know what else to do, but go down to the rent to own place. . . . .........  at least they have a program, where you have 150 days, or 5 months to pay the CASH price, with no interest.
so, that's what I'm gonna try to do, IF I can't get the other one fixed.
That's really what I want to do, see how much it would be to get it working again......the screen isn't broken or anything like that.
So,
that's the FIRST thing that broke...................
OUR washing machine,,,,,,,,,,
came with the house (trailer) when we bought it, ,  a pretty standard set up in manufactured homes, the washer and dryer are kind of "inset" in the long hallway, right by the bathroom.
Well, within the first few days of us moving in,,, every time we'd do a load of clothes, the "unbalanced" alarm would go off!!!!
Even if I put the clothes in there, just right, and I started only filling it half way..................
this helped, but the alarm still went off at least every other load of laundry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WELL, grandma's friend, moved down to southern oregon or something like that, with one of her kids........ She gave her washer to grandma and it was only 3 years old maybe???   Grandma said we could have that one, so yesterday since we were both over there helping her with things, we decided to take it home.
FIRST off, when we moved in the girl tells me "oh yea, the washer works GREAT"
we get it out, and underneath it LOOKS like a rat's nest???
NOPE, not a rat's nest,,,,,,, Mike and I had wooden spoons from the kitchen "just in case'' something JUMPED outta there!!!
it turned out to be TWO HUGE STUFFED BEARS, they had Shoved up UNDER the "bin" part of the washer................
do you think they KNEW there was a problem??????
LOL
Plus, they replace the floor in the hallway, we knew that, but apparently they left a big rotten spot, JUST behind the washer,,,,,, there's even a hole!!!!  So, that just made things GREAT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
OH and let's not forget to mention, I dont know HOW you pull out a washer, and shove stuffed animals up under it, and put it BACK into five pounds of dirt/crap/dryerlint/socks/shit!!!
it looked like at least five years of shit, under there!!! and it STUNK, too.
WE get that all cleaned up...............
disconect everything, and start getting the 500 pound,, 1983 washer outta there,,,,,,,,,,
It gets stuck in the doorway,,,, and Im helping mike shove it out the door, finally it GOES,
and BAM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, the corner board/railing from the back deck BUSTS OFF, the plywood then gives way, the washer tumbles off the porch (we're both inside the doorway, watching)  and the TOP part of the washer, the electrical stuff, BUSTS off, on its way down, finally coming to a ''rest"   in the lawn..........................
Holy hell, is right...............
(oh, it gets better)
Mike loads the new washer up on the dolly, and we go to try and get it in the door,,,,,,,,,
because of the plywood pretty much breaking thru, the "platform" for the porch is all 'tilted' back, and the washer is 'cockeyed' in the door........
WE are TRYING to get it right side up, WITHOUT falling off the back of the deck, and landing with the OLD washer................
when all of a sudden,the corner of the door frame SNAPS the drain hose off,, and of course next comes the WATER.................everywhere!!!!
for some stupid reason, this hose isn't very flexible, it's rigid, and it has  a special fitting on the end that goes into the back of the washer, it sorta "snaps" in................ So I drive down to home depot and of COURSE they say, thats a "specialty part" that you need to get from the manufacturer.......all they had was the kind that's on the OLD washer, that goes on with a pipe clamp.  Next stop, the plumbing store.....
They tell me, they have to order it AND its "about 60 bucks"
ARE you KIDDING ME????? I thought, and walked out.........
Called grandma, was talking to her, and I came up with the idea while on the phone with her, to try and "patch" it back together, with   "Gorilla Tape"        I grab some of that, , , , and do the best patch job I can. . . . I put a towel under where the hose sits, and pushed the washer into place.........
we ran a load of clothes.......... things SEEMED  "okay"
About an hour later, Mike was taking a nap so Sam and I went to the store and I put in another load of clothes........
When I got home,
OMG< < < < <    there's a half inch of water starting from behind the toilet, flowing into the bathroom, AND, the carpet's wet in front of the washer.  I sop up everything I possibly can,,,,
we put an old sock, under the fittings at where the hoses connect, just to make sure there was no leaks, too, when I put the towel behind the washer,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
the sock, is dry...............Obviously, My "McGuyver" idea, was a total BUST.    This morning, I got the model number off the back of the washer, and looked up the part online. I found it for TEN BUCKS!!!!
that's before shipping of course, so I guess when Mike gets paid this week, THAT's the first thing I'm ordering.
Put a space heater in front of the washer last night, left it all night and today the carpet is almost dry.  (whew)
WHAT a NIGHTMARE that turned out to be.
the aftermath of that is,,,,,,,
1.} Fix the washer
2.} Fix the rotted floor sometime this winter
3.}Replace the back deck,,,, NO small job,,, the porch isn't very big, but still a lot of work, "added'' to my list........
4.} how the hell am I gonna do laundry this week???
5.} OH yes, forgot about the doorjamb getting smacked, AS the 500# washer came out!!! now, the door hits about 3/4 of the way up........
LOL
Im pulling that damn washer out today, and gonna try idea # TWO
we'll see how it works out..........................
Just need something that'll work for a few days, , , it could even drip a lil bit onto a towel or something..... just DONT NEED more "gallons" of water coming out!! that's sure what it seemed like, yesterday!!
It just feels like everything that COULDA broke, DID.
I think I handled it "okay" though. . . .
My mood wasn't too great by the end of the day yesterday, after spending an hour sopping up water off the floor........
OH, and I worked yesterday.....{ended up working half a day, when I THOUGHT I'd be done in just two hours! but at least now, the customer will be able to pick up the trim Monday}.................... I usually don't have to work saturdays, but I kinda got behind this week....... I had two long lunches, One to go up to DMV and order the second transcript for my license, so I can take it to the insurance co  Monday.
My boss is HOPEFULL I  can get on the insurance..........
AND, I had another Dr.'s appointment.
It went well, I did one more test for ADHD, where the Dr. read something to me, and then asked me a question about it....... I got 3/5 right...... he said that's way better than any score I had the first time.
Next appointment, Right before My birthday!!!!
Why do birthdays come faster and faster every year?????
weird, right?????
AND, my SON will be FOUR years old, in about two months!!!!!
WOW.................cannot believe it!!!! really, it REALLY DOES fly by, as they say. . . . don't blink, that's for sure!!! now I know what everyone meant when I was a kid, and said, "when did you get so grown up, sooo fast?"     I used to think, jeez you're nutz!!!
other than the BAD LUCK I've experienced this last week, things are OK
Work is slammed, just like I like it.......
So I was thinking about this the other day,,,,,
AND, starting NEXT WEEK,,,,,,,,,,
when I write an entry on here, I'm going to start sharing a FEW stories from my PAST...............
That is ONE of the things I needed to do, with writing this blog......
according to my counselor, I need to share these things that bother me so deeply inside........................
What a perfect way to do that, without having to look face to face at a person......... IF I cry while writing, nobody will ever know, LOL
seriously, though,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
it's something I NEED to do, and I'm finally NOW, just becoming
"okay" with doing that..............
I HAD to talk about my bad luck, today!!!!!!!
So, yes definitely next week.
I'll tell them in a funny way, I will try to keep it "light" as usual...........
People say I'm a good story-teller, so I'm sure I can turn some of the negative things, into positive...................
and, some ARE just FUNNY...........but hold important lessons......
So, that's about it, for today.............. 
I'm using sam's pic from the first thing he made at preschool.....
gotta upload all my pics again....................Oh, and if I have time I'll ad later, a scan of his 'actual' school Picture!!!
Next week.........................first story, from my past, probably start with a funny one)
************THANKS for READING**********




Sunday, October 14, 2012

18 months and a progress report

18 months, TODAY...........
yep, I really cannot believe it's been a year and a half, since everything changed.
This "birthday" has hit me harder than even a year did.
I started going to a support group for people ON suboxone, in July. Shortly after going there a few times, , , ,
there was a woman I met there celebrating 2 years on suboxone, no relapses, etc..................
we got into deep conversation about stuff in general, she had earned partial custody of her kids back, things like that.
The next meeting, she wasn't there.
The one after that, she came in , crying & really upset. You know, the swollen eyes from crying so much. . . . . . . two weeks before that, she relapsed. . . Not just once either, but about a three day "binge"
In that three days,
she lost custody of her kids again, which took TWO YEARS to get, got a DUI, went to jail for a week, and was going to be back ON probation of course. . . . . in THREE DAYS.
That's how FAST things go south.
So, there's a counselor there, at these groups.
He tells us that, even when we stop using, your addiction progresses, so if you go BACK to using, it does NOT take long, for things to fall apart very quickly. He explained that, AS our addiction progressed before you lost more and more, over time. WELL after your clean for however many months, the addiction is STILL progressing.
So that kinda leads me up to one thing I want to write about today......................
Theres a certain controversy,
whether "addiction" is a disease, or a choice.
Some even say "disorder"
Well, I always thought BEFORE when I didn't really consider myself an addict, that it was a choice.
Now, all the reading and research I've done on the subject, MY opinion is that yes, it MAY be a CHOICE, in the beginning,
but it's definitely leaning towards disease, disorder after that.
Did you know that addiction,
invades the SAME area of the brain, that is in 'charge' of telling you when your hungry, thirsty, to breath, ETC??????
I did NOT know that, until all of my 'research' started. LOL
But, I can tell you from experience that you definitely DO feel like your GOING TO DIE, if you don't 'get what you need'................
Actually as things progressed, I felt like it would be EASIER to die, than to keep going thru the cycle, keep circling the drain............
If you had someone/something tell you that you couldn't sleep, or couldn't eat, cuz "it's bad for you"
I bet it wouldn't go over to well.
Thats how it is, in the end. I'm not saying it's that way the first few times. The first few times I would definitely agree, it IS a choice.
BUT,
for some people it's a choice to finally feel "normal" , or accepted, or "good" period.
And you gotta think, whats so wrong with that???
Most addicts are found to have at least ONE form of mental illness. whether its an anxiety disorder, or something even more serious..........
Disorder, disease, form of mental illness,,,,
whatever any of us THINK addiction is.............It's definitely a BIG problem, that is only getting bigger and bigger every day.
I'm talking about opiate abuse, mainly.
Many don't realise HOW someone could ever do heroin,,,, let alone be addicted to it.
There used to be this HUGE 'stigma' associated with heroin addicts, EVEN IN the drug addict community. They were dirty, homeless, whatever you want to say.
NOW, things are SOOO much different, because of the pain pills everywhere........... And the heroin is apparently stronger that it was ten years ago. . . So there isn't the 'need' to shoot up to get high, or take the dope sick away....... Ten years ago, according to what I've read, and what I've heard in lots of church basements, the only way to really "get" anything out of it, was to inject it.
This is very dangerous, now, for younger and younger people to "just" snort it or smoke it.
That doesn't have ANY of the stigma that injecting it does.
Do you see the problem??? So now the high school or early college kid that would "binge" on pills, can't find any, is offered some H, that they can snort or smoke, JUST like they did the pills.
{HUGE PROBLEM}
The further I get from drugs,
the MORE I want to SAVE EVERYONE........................and the truth is,
it just doesn't happen as often as you'd like. "they say" you'll help at least 10 people that will fall right back down, before you have half a CHANCE at actually getting one that's 'ready' for it.........
Just like people that quit smoking,,,, it might take 40 'tries' but the 41st time "takes" and you actually quit.
Its so much nicer, here on the other side.
but its soooo very hard to get out of the drain. You have to first get out long enough to realise there is LIFE beyond getting high.
And, I have to admit,
it IS nice, fun, whatever the first few years, before you lose your ass.
I don't need to go into that ,,, though.
Once I heard the term...........
"drugs sell more than anything else, and there isn't any pretty commercials on TV, although theres lots of negative publicity about doing them"
...........true, very true
So, just to wrap up,,,, what I've done the last 18 months.........
First, I've worked a program thru counseling/therapy where you study where your addiction came from ,,,, what you loved about it, what you hated about it. How much you gave up for it, etc, etc, etc.....
(I still work somewhat of the same thing, thru group therapy)
second,
I started working just a couple weeks after starting suboxone,, and I've been there every day since....... I did have ONE sick day, when I got a bad abscess in my mouth. the time it wasn't even going away with oral antibiotics, and I got "septic" I also missed a half day last week, cuz my son had a really bad fever one night. My grandma had to have tests done in portland, and my mom took her. so all my 'backup' was GONE.
Mike and "split" the day in half, he actually wasn't even scheduled for anything until 1130am, so it worked out perfect!!!
My boss was very cool about it. Obviously because my "attendance" record is pretty damn good.
third,
WE MOVED!!!!! this has been the biggest thing for me, besides getting my teeth fixed. I'm sooo much happier coming home here. It's not instant depression as soon as I'm close to my house. LOL
Our place is always pretty clean. Even when it's messy, its just Sam's toys , and blankets and dog toys on the floor. Our apartment was hard to keep clean, it was so run down, the carpet was so old, it was DARK, even with the lights on/windows open.
Fourth,,,
TEETH,,,, yes, a huge thing. One of the reasons I started this blog. I didnt realise at that time, what a huge transition it would be.
I don't take my teeth out at night, I don't have to "soak" them, (I brush them, and use a cleaner but it only takes ten mins for the cleaner, usually while Im in the shower), and my husband still hasn't ever seen me without the top plate in my mouth!!! He did come in the bathroom once while I was in the shower to ask me something...........when I didn't answer him, I'm pretty sure he saw my teeth on the counter in the cleaner. . . . and made a quick exit. of course he says it wouldn't bother him, but he's also said that if I don't want him to see me, that's fine too.
Fifth,,,,,,,
Parenting classes, marriage counseling, and group therapy.
All these things have helped me really see what my addiction took away, what I've been able to gain back by quitting, and most importantly it helps me progress in my "recovery"
the worst thing for a recovering addict, is to forget where they came from. To forget the desperation  and hopelessness that was overwhelming in the beginning.
There's also a program thru the group,,, which is thru the doctor's office, and once you've done really "well" on suboxone therapy: meaning all good drug tests, not missing appointments, not missing "counts" etc: you can "help" a new person that is just starting out. You answer questions about induction, help them find the right dose, ETC.
It is such a great feeling to HELP another person. . . that's where what I talked about earlier goes into play, though. . . .

On top of ALLL that,
I've completely changed my life. . . . . I do eat better, cook meals, clean up the house, exercise a few times a week, spend time doing thins with sam (paint, glitter/glue, go for walks or walk beside him while he rides his bike, tons of stuff like this) I also help my grandma with MANY things around her house(trash out, recycle stuff, clean outside, wash her car, washed the house recently, pretty much anything that needs to be done), I've volunteered at Sam's school twice since he's started, and plan on doing it more, All these things "normal" people do. . . .
I didnt do  for years.
Going to work every day and paying bills, , , ,  there's something to be said for that, as well.
I feel lucky because I do like my job. But even then, it feels old sometimes. Thats why it's good to get out and enjoy things, when you can. . . . .
My life doesn't really have any of the people it used to in it. there are a FEW, I mean, less than THREE, that I did do drugs with at one time, that I talk to now. But, they are either clean, or really struggling to BE clean.
Life sure isn't easy,
or fair.
I feel like I'm on the right road these days, at least.......
overall, I'm happy with the way things are going.
I'd really like to buy  an ATV or something. That's the goal I'm sorta leaning towards next.
AS for my ADHD...........................
The doctor upped my dosage last week.
and I do feel better. . . . . at least I don't feel the anxiety creeping back in, during the afternoon like it was.
That's the ONE thing I've noticed the most. I know I have already mentioned that in here. but it's just SO DIFFERENT. Not worrying about things you KNOW are stupid to worry about but you can't help it.
We seem to be having a windy day today, and I know before the meds, I'd be worrying about the roof or SOMETHING.
worrying ALL DAMN DAY..........
*****relief***** feels sooo nice.
Well,
I feel like I've come a long way, in 18 months. . . . . I still have a long way to go.
There are times I get depressed when I think that I'll NEVER be able to take pain pills again. I'm pretty sure thats why they say ,,,,
"one day at a time"
honestly,
I also miss being the person who everyone wants to talk to, go "see", whatever. . . . . . you know, from my days of selling to support my habit. Which, I wasn't too good at, by the way. I could never support my habit. that's a pipe dream!!!!!
My 'habit' consumed everything I had, and everything around me.
the 'shit tornado' as I've called it before.
thats the BEST description I can come up with. All in all, I think my shit tornado, was 8 years long,,, and 6 lives wide.
So, if there's anybody reading this,
that is sucked up into their very own shit tornado,,,, you CAN get out of it, and 'make it'
there IS life on the other side.
No, it's not easy..............even on suboxone, its NOT easy.
but it IS possible.
If you are someone close to an addict, or one in recovery, I get the question alot , "I don't know how to help"
the easiest answer,
is you can't really.........honestly, until THEY are ready ,,,, there's nothing you can do, except BE THERE for when they ARE ready. Then, and only then, you can be a shoulder to lean on, or cry on. Someone to just LISTEN, not talk but listen, when they have something they need to talk about.
One more thing, Just because a person says, "I kinda feel like getting high today, but I'm not going to,,, I just feel like I miss it today"
THAT does NOT mean, you need to worry about a relapse.
This means, they are SHARING their feelings with you. All you need to do is say something like, thats great, your NOT going to get high today. I'm so happy/proud/look up to you for that.
I've shared those feelings before, only to be met by the person that loves me to needlessly WORRY that I was going to relapse. LOL
But, I didn't. And I'm not going to, at least not today!!!!!
Being a parent,
is frustrating these days. More on that, next week. LOL
Work, is fairly busy.
the boss is gone all week next week. . . . . YAY......actually I work just the same, whether he's there or NOT.
the weather sucks, but maybe we'll go to the beach and look for stuff from Japan, when the kiddo wakes up from his nap!!!!
that might be fun. . . . . . .
Thanks for letting me share,
thanks for reading.
THANKS for all the support, the last 18 months, even though the ones that know me well,,,,,,, had "heard it ALL before"
and I didn't deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


new pics of Fritz and 'his' boy!!!   and....... Sam and his salamander
............I made him let the salamander go back to his "mommy" after two days................LOL



Sunday, October 7, 2012

Moments of clarity: about my mom, and highschool

Ahhhhh, Sundays............
So peaceful, and feels like every thing's "okay" at least for today............

Work was busy as hell, this week. Got all that trim in for that museum, and the funny thing is, some of it is for 'arched windows'.......
so the trim is about 12 inches wide and its curved (obviously) but its like 14 feet long!!! At first,,, Im like, what the F am I gonna do with this???? by myself???
paint BOTH sides? yea right!!!!

well, I figured out that they WILL sit on a set of sawhorses, but yes, your spraying what feels like its on the ceiling. LOL
so, my arms are sore. . . . .
first time in a LONG time, but they are.
So, not even half way thru all that trim, and worked pretty much a full week last week. It's nice to know I've got at least one more........There's a few doors due in, also. Maybe this is how it'll go? I can handle just working one job (project) at a time. Just fine with me!! whatever keeps me busy..............

Next Weekend, I'll have 18 months on suboxone. No "slips" or anything.
Feels great, really does.
I'm doing better, with taking less. My good friend says, "progress not perfection"
so, I'll take that, any day over the OTHER option. . . .
It's definitely easier to take less, with something controlling my ADHD symptoms, THATS a fact.
For the most part, my anxiety is still very minimal.
I still cannot believe how bad it actually was, what I was actually putting up with on a daily basis, and what I thought was 'normal'
Well, I knew it wasn't normal, but I thought it was MY normal.

You know, I had this moment of clarity the other day.......
I was thinking about what STARTED my addiction, what made it continue, even when I wanted it to stop, and whats different THIS time around, when I stopped.
Obviously the suboxone thing is different. But there's alot more to it, than that.

Okay, so sorry if I've talked about this before, I cannot remember. LOL
But, I always felt different as a kid. My mom can attest to this.
She always told me, 'we are ALL made different, wouldn't it be a boring world, if we were all the same'
Yes, it would be. But high school might be a bit easier to get thru........LOL
One thing I must say though, props to mom, for letting me BE different. I've seen so many parents who try to convince their children, to 'be like everyone else' or be 'normal' or whatever. My mom would ask me to act like a "human" once in awhile when I became demonic, but she never told me not to build tree forts, "because girls dont do that" or not to help my dad work on race cars, she always told me to do whatever made me happy. And although it made school pretty terrible, I'm happy she didn't convince me not to, otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today. (I also didnt 'dress' like the average girl, my age)
I love what I do today.... I may not ever get rich doing it, but I do enjoy it. And what more could you really ask for, right??
So, back to my point, if you would have told her and my dad I was going to be a union carpenter at 19, they probably would not be shocked. Since at 12 years old I had a three story tree fort built in the woods behind our house. You know, that thing was STILL standing when they tore it down, maybe 5 years ago to build a four-plex back there?
Even at 12 I might have had a 'natural talent'
Now, I have to tell you this story about it.......and then I'll get back on topic.........
So I and the neighborhood kids were building this gi-normous thing, right?
My dad was letting us  use hammers, nails and a handsaw. When it got time to put the 'deck' on, (NO idea what I called it, then) I was 'brainstorming' it would take FOREVER to cut all the wood into 2' chunks.
My dad was at work........So I went into the garage and found the skill saw.
Im 12 remember, maybe even 11, and I start cutting up wood, MUCH to my lil friends' surprise. One of them says, "my dad's friend cut his fingers off with one o' them"
I say, that's cuz he was stupid.
LOL
So, Im cutting, I have NO idea what Im doing by the way, it DID scare me, that I remember. Next thing I know, my mom comes busting out the door, obviously she hears the saw going.........
"AMBER, WHAT are you DOING??"
"dad lets me use this all the time"
"ummm are you SURE??"
"yes, Im sure mom"
"well, BE CAREFUL, those are dangerous, I dont think you are supposed to be using it when he's not here, and he'll be home soon"
"OK, mom"
As soon as the door shut, I KNEW I had better HURRY THE HELL UP and get done, because after dad pulled in the driveway it was gonna be a LONG time before I was using the saw again!!!!
And, thats what happened. The next day, we were using ROCKS to nail nails into the boards. But, I did get everything cut.
Not bad, eh???

So, you could see, how I was different, right?
very different. So, what I have to tell you know is, the FIRST time I did drugs, I felt normal.
for some reason, I felt like everyone else. Like, I could talk to anybody, they wouldn't look at me like I was some kind of freak of nature. Looking back, I think everyone probably feels like a freak of nature between the ages of 12 and 20 maybe? maybe not 20, but definitely the entire time your a teenager.
Thats why I liked drugs so much.
At first it was alcohol and pot, then came cocaine and a little meth. But those things were all very easy to leave behind, compared to opiates. For some reason, an opiate buzz to me, felt like a nice warm blanket on a rainy day.
It just made everything better.
I would say that opiates were my first love. And honestly, my ONLY love for a long time.

Thats why Im scared to go off suboxone. This has been the ONLY thing, that's made me feel SOMEWHAT normal, since doing drugs in the first place.
Some folks claim your not clean, while your on suboxone.
I assure you,,, it does NOT make me high. I know Ive said THAT before. but it really is true.
This is why Im talking about this today.
If ever since you could remember, you felt like you were 'different' and not like everyone else, you know, what I just explained. The only thing that made me feel okay with it, I definitely had to leave behind, for reasons you already know.
And this is what I'm left with.
Part of me, is like you CAN do it, you can close this chapter and be done with it. But then, how will I feel???
How will I deal with everything???
Who knows!!! And honestly, it's obvious Im not ready yet. At least to me.
I know the new medication is helping alot. and maybe having all the anxiety issues gone, and OCD symptoms gone, will help me build the strength I need.
We will see.....................................................
Parents out there,
let your kids BE who they ARE. . . . Im not saying if you do or you don't they will become addicts. Hopefully NOT.......... I don't think the way I grew up had much at all to do with it. Like I said, my mother let me know, it was "OK" to be different, and she loved me FOR how different I was. (am)
My brother, wasn't your 'average' either. He still isn't. School was no paradise vacation  for him, either. Too bad we are 7 years apart, I think if we would have been a lil closer in age, and able to 'back each other up' it would have been different. LOL
As we got older we were able to do that. But ,it was much less needed.
Now, as a parent and an adult, whose seen a whole lot of different people, and different 'walks of life' I can say, I almost feel bad for the people who LOVED highschool. Not just loved it, I think its FINE if you 'loved' it, I mean the people who, THATS all they talk about.
thats all they DO, is 're-live' those high school memories. Over and over
There's a whole great big world out here!! didn't you know???
No, I didn't necessarily take the 'best' path out to it, thats true.
But, I did learn from my mistakes.
Another funny thing is, I'm willing to bet $$$,,, some of the girls that made fun of me for not dating, or making out, dressing in short skirts or wearing makeup, I'm willing to bet....... they are PRAYING thier kids, are like I WAS.
It IS funny, how life works out sometimes. Being a "late bloomer" (yep, mom said that was ok, too) Is NOT the worst thing in the world!!!

I commend my mom for being the best parent she could, and for letting me be who I wanted to be.
My son, does not 'follow' the crowd, either.
We had our first home visit, with the head start teacher(s). It was "ok" overall. but they said all the 'usual tactics' that work with 'other kids' dont work with him. I'm glad they seem to be open to new ideas, and dealing with it. We brainstormed a few ideas, like giving him something to look at/play with while he is supposed to be sitting down. This kid likes to be DOING something, all the time. Hmmmmm wonder where he gets that????

I'm going to embrace it, and love him FOR who he is, as it develops. As his interests develop. If he wants to sew his school clothes, I'm going to let him do it.  Lately, Ive thought, I wonder WHAT my mom thought the first time I told her I wanted to build a tree fort?? Or, I wanted to help dad with the race car??
LOL
Many people automatically assume that Im lesbian, when I tell them what I do, what Ive always done my adult life for 'work'
After I answer the 'question' then, they apologize for asking. I usually say, that's OK, I'd rather you ASK, then just assume........
LOL
but, sometimes I wonder if they notice how racist they are??
I don't mind the question. I was raised that we are ALL different, and if you can find HAPPINESS in this world, that's all that counts. My mom also used to tell me, when I had certain questions about people.......
"you or I might not AGREE with their lifestyle or their choices, but that doesn't mean we hate them, or judge them"
That, is some good advice right there.
there, is too much hate in this world, already.
and too much unhappiness too.
I hope my mom's not embarrassed about anything I've said today. That sure isn't what I was trying to do.
I'm trying to remember the things she told me, the things she taught me that have stuck with me. Surprisingly, they are the things I've thought about lately when I'm most uncomfortable. When I'm around judgemental people, or watching my son be 'different' from everyone else.
My first instinct, is to get him to 'conform'
But I dont think it's the right way.
I might not be big enough to change the world, but if I can change the way ONE person looks at someone else, its a good start.
I know I've changed at least a couple minds, about drug addicts.

Last night, Sam carved his pumpkin. Last year, we did a pumpkin at my mom's house, Sam carved one, kind of, with my dad. I really did not have much in the form of patience yet with a little over 6 months sobriety. At least I KNEW it, right? LOL
Anyways, so last night was the first one sam and I did together.
He was really excited, really happy that we were doing it 'together'
So, I took a couple pictures, of COURSE.............LOL


                                          the 'before'



                                              he was REALLY excited, that we had 'scary eyes' to put on it!!

                                              and the finished product.....................
                                            I cut the holes for the eyes, but he did pretty much
                                              everything else!!! Patience yes, definitely!!!!!
                                            too bad that doesnt come in the box!!