Sunday, September 30, 2012

My adhd tests(lol), meds, and sons' first day of school

***deep breath***
I'm probably going to make you laugh today.
But before I do, I'll talk about what I need to.
Things are going well.
So, my poor car has been making this HORRIBLE squeaking noise, or I should say noises, for a couple weeks now. I didn't really have the money to do anything about it. First Mike tried to grease it, with a regular grease gun, but we didn't have the right 'fitting' and that one piece was over $30. So, I could just take it to a shop for an oil change/lube job and spent the same amount of money.
Well, another week goes by..............Now Im starting to dream at night that the tire falls off while I'm driving down the highway!!  THAT is NO good. So I buckled down and asked my dad for help. Went and bought oil/filter and met him at his shop today. And guess what??!!!!!
When we got there, sam says, "hey poppa, we got a squeaky in our car"
it was really cute.
When we were pulling away, he says "Poppa got the squeaky out!"
Yep!! he SURE did!!! I told my mom I feel like a first class citizen again!! It's so embarrassing driving into the preschool parking lot, in a car everyone can hear coming down the road from a half mile away. What a relief it will be to not have that going on, on monday. :-)

Worked about 25 hours this week..... Next week is really busy. Friday  we got all the trim in for the big museum in Astoria. It's about 5,000 feet of trim. Mostly 1x 12 and 1x18. we only got about half of it in, on friday. the rest is coming monday. So, I will be one busy lil painter next week. Fine by me!!!

So, when I went to see the doctor last week,,,,,,,,
I was really nervous, for WHATEVER reason. I get worked up about anything, really. At home I made a list of what I wanted to talk to him about, or things I wanted to tell him, but of COURSE, like always I forgot the damn list!!!
So, I get there and I tell him Im ready (this time) to talk about ADHD meds.
Last month, he gave me 5 days worth of a sample. He told me it was a 'new' medication, and I could try it and see how it goes. Well, I did try it and I felt much better. But I wasn't quite sold on the fact I needed medication to 'control' my symptoms. Last week I said you know, this is really becoming an issue now.
He said,,, "well, I would like to do some tests this time and see exactly where we are"
I,,, was of course fine with that.
the first test, was a clapping test.
he says,,,,,, If I clap once, you clap twice, If I clap twice, you don't clap.
He says, do you understand? I say NO, I wasn't listening.
So, it took three times, of him saying it, before I 'got it'
we start, the test
the first few, I did great. then I forgot the instructions. seriously, I forgot the instructions he gave me three times!!!!
he says, are you failing on purpose???
I say,,, I thought if I PASSED it, I was ADD???
he laughs.
next test............
he puts his computer screen in front of me,,,,,,,,,
says Im gonna show you some pictures, and then ask you some questions, k?
I say,
dirty pictures?????
no, he says, not dirty pictures, I know, its gonna be boring.
first picture was of a bedroom. I think I got to look at it 5 seconds??? maybe not.
Anyways he says.
where was the lamp, in the room???
I say
the door was really short, compared to the window, the drapes didn't match the carpet and the lamp was ON but the SUN was out side the window. but I don't know where the lamp was other than kinda by the sun.
next picture,,,, was of a park, with a road kinda in the background
he asks,,,,,
name three things in the playground
I say
there were no license plates on the cars,
no grass on the playground,
and by the way there were NO kids at the playground???
does that count??
He says, sure it counts. Im not sure for what, but sure.

at least he's got a sense of humor,right???
last one..............
Do you know how to play simon says???
yea!! of course. LOL
okay,,,, 'simon says, touch your nose'
(I touch my nose)
He says, good, you DO KNOW.
now, touch your ear.
(I touch my ear)
He says, I thought you knew how to play????
well, I thought I did!!!!!!
I asked for a 'do over' but to no avail.
He explained to me, that having this disorder, doesn't mean your not intelligent or anything like that. I guess in medical school, they had them put on headphones that played music fairly loud, had people walking dogs around the room, and told the students (doctors, now) to read this page in a book.
When they got done, they had a test on the page.
My doc says many of the students in the class, didn't even get a chance to read the entire page!! Im like, thats how I feel!!!! This was an exercise for them to 'see' whats its like to have add symptoms.
With add/adhd you sort of learn to work around your symptoms, that's why many people can absorb information from many places at one time, just nothing substantial from any ONE source.
So, it was nice to know that he understood a bit at least, of where I was coming from.
If we back up to the month befores' appointment, when he gave me the sample, I told him I didn't really want to be on a stimulant. That they are abusable, and I'd like to steer away from that. He tried explaining to me that when you have ADD, it doesn't WORK, act or feel like a stimulant, though.
He asked how much (how well) the sample worked. Well, I didn't really feel much better til about the 3rd day. I did notice a difference then. Most of my anxiety was gone, my thoughts had slowed down to a pace I could actually 'catch' one once in awhile. LOL
WELL, the dr. says, I hate to tell you this but I lied to you. I was sorta shocked. He says ,,,,, that was a stimulant, just in a form with less abuse-potential.
So, he thinks this is what we need to go with. To start out slow, and see how dosage goes over time.
I was okay with that. Now, that it's been almost a week, I'm REALLY okay with it.
The other thing he said was........
You have been a really great patient. You've been nothing but brutally honest with me, for the most part. We did have a few issues in the beginning, but overall you've been one of the best replacement therapy patients I've ever had. I really trust that you won't try to abuse this and if you do become uncomfortable that you can call me and we'll work something else out."
we put this huge thing above a doctor's head I think. that they are like 'better' than us 'normal' folks? I'm not sure why we do that. They are human just like you or me.  At any rate, it's been a really, really long time since any doctor had anything nice to say about me. I was totally shocked, and it definitely gave me a boost on the self-esteem. Coming in for drug tests, blood tests, "counts" and whatever else over the last 17 months has been trying at times. But, that kinda made it all better.

Got the prescription filled, and it was a lil under $50. For a months worth, that's completely tolerable. The first few days, I felt somewhat better but still had some racing thoughts and anxiety.
By the end of the week though, I was most definitely feeling much much better.
It's crazy to me that we ignore something for so long, we actually 'trick' ourselves into thinking it's "normal" I think. Maybe your body just realizes it's got to 'push' thru and goes into survival mode.
So many things are different  for me. My thoughts don't race through my head 24/7 now. To be fair, I still have a lot of them, and it is still a challenge to think clearly sometimes, but the majority of the time, it feels pretty normal.
The anxiety that I was feeling every single day, is so much better. I don't constantly think someones going to come crashing into the car, or the wheel will fall off while driving down the highway. Seriously, that's how it was. Any kind of scenario I could think up, I would think was going to happen.
That is so much better. There was also times, that I would have some OCD type behaviors. You know, I discussed these with my therapist and my Doctor. We decided it wasn't enough to worry about yet, but maybe keep an eye on. Well, the great news is, that's pretty much gone with these meds, too.
Maybe it was just another disaster brewing from so much anxiety and trouble thinking.

Like I said, I cannot believe the difference. I really should have said something months ago.
The only side effect I'm really having is I'm not real hungry during the day. But I've been taking my Dr.'s advice and eating breakfast before I take my dose.
That way I've eaten at least one good meal. Maybe 'good' is the wrong word. "substantial'' meal, may be better.
He explained that even though the drug won't effect me like a stimulant, most people do experience a loss of appetite, and maybe some weight loss. Well, since I've been losing weight slowly and steadily since Ive started seeing him, he said he wasn't too worried. BUT that if I lose too much too fast, then that will be a problem. I'm still exercising, and I definitely just remind myself to snack (healthy) even though I'm not really hungry. And, Im not even craving CANDY as bad. It will still hit me in the evening sometimes, but you know before sometimes I'd eat a bag of candy for breakfast. LOL

I'm so glad I got my car fixed. Did I mention that???
Dad if you read this, THANKYOU..................
That noise was really driving me completely bonkers!!!!
I finished pressure washing grandma's house yesterday. It felt really good to help her. You know, to make up a little more for what I've done in the past. She was really happy when I was done, so happy she had a tear in her eye. I don't know if it was because the house looked so much better, but I was thinking maybe she was tearing up because of how much I've changed. Either way, I'm so glad she's proud of me.
Didn't really experience much in the way of cravings this week. Maybe it was all the other changes I was feeling with the new script. I am going to try and take less suboxone, now that I have some other 'ticks' under control. The Dr. was okay with that,, too. He said make sure not to push myself, and don't look at as a failure if I don't get as low as I want to, as fast as I want to.
I can see his point. So , I will just take it day by day and celebrate the little victories.
My son's first day of head start was last week. WOW, I can't believe how fast they grow!!! I think I've said it before, it's like I woke up one morning, to go get my baby outta bed, and found a little boy there.........
I am really glad he got into head start. At first they said I made too much money last year. Mike worked last year too, but we didn't work at the same time. So what we made, over the course of the year, was what one of us would  have. He was not on unemployment, either. Anyways, they said we were in the highest 'bracket' they accept, but they hadn't had anybody from that bracket in two years. They also asked, if he had any 'barriers'. Like a parent in jail, a learning disability, things like that. I said, I'm in out-patient treatment and have been for over a year, does that count? Well, apparently someone thought so!! whatever works, right? TWO DAYS before school started, they called. But, I don't care, he got in!! He was SO EXCITED to ride the bus from the daycare/preschool center he goes to now, to head start. So, three days a week they pick him up on the bus and take him back afterwards. Grandma waited with us for the bus the first day. The battery died in my camera, of course. But, she got a picture. I did go and have lunch with him though. I'd like to do that at least every other week. They encourage you to come volunteer in your child's class for an hour here and there, or as often as you can. He was really proud I came the first day!!
I felt like one of the teachers was a big judgemental or perhaps standoff-ish to me. But, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm just going to overlook that for now, and see if she changes her mind. I hope so. :-)

Thats about all I've got for now.
You know, I can't put into words how much this helps me. Even though typing your feelings may not seem like that big of a deal, it makes me a little more accountable, and it provides such a relief of the emotions that over-run me at times.
The guilt, shame, resentment I feel sometimes because of my addiction.
These feelings don't go away, but sharing them makes it a bit more tolerable.
Putting a "face" on addiction is something I really wanted to do.
there's so much stigma with being a drug addict. Some people write you off, like you will never be anything else, in their eyes.
But,,,,,,, addicts CAN come out on the other side. We can overcome our past, or at least work at it!!!!
I hope one day that stigma is gone. I know that's a long shot, but maybe it will be more 'accepted' as a disease or disorder. I honestly believe it CAN be a deasise for some, a compulsion for others.
Some people 'get clean alone'. They just 'think it up' and quit. HA, that was definitely not my addiction.
We'll save that discussion for another time!!!

Thanks so much, for listening.....................................................

Sam's FIRST DAY______
 And, this is the pumpkin I brought home from the store yesterday. . . Hes soooooooo excited for halloween!!!   and yes, I need to vacuum!!! but it was too cute of a picture!!

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