Sunday, September 23, 2012

No "last goodbye" for me

Hey everybody...............
My post is up a little late today...........
I don't know if I ate some bad food yesterday or what!!??
But I was S-I-C-K
I'll spare ya the horrible details!! Feeling much better today. that's why I think it may have been the food??? Hit me about 30mins after I ate, only lasted about 12 hours.
Oh well,
the important thing, I'm better now.

So, yesterday we went to the 'childrens safety fair'
and got the car seat checked, let Sam ride his bicycle through their little obstacle course, AND he got to climb all over a FIRE TRUCK!!! he was SUPER excited about that, let me tell ya.

Then, we went to grandma's and started pressure washing the house. We didn't get to finish however, cuz I got SICK. Gonna finish up either this week or next weekend.

Ended up working just a couple days. Started my unemployment claim. So at least that will be there, if I have another couple of slow weeks this winter.
The company ordered a whole bunch of things like they used to stock at Builder's supply. Which is now officially closed/out of business.
And, I think things are starting to pick up, because friday when I was there, there was about 6 contractors there after lunch. More than Ive seen in a long time.

Anyways,,,, so thats how life is in 'general'
Got to hang out with my mom last week. She wanted to go to Longview and hit a few stores that we don't have here. It was fun, to kind of get away, and it just be her and me. That hasn't happened, in I don't know,,, years???
She wanted to talk to me about my father, and his side of the family. About how if she could have done things differently, ya know she would have. OF COURSE,,,,,,, wouldn't that be AWESOME,, if life had a 'do over' button???
I don't blame my mom for anything having to do with my father, or any of his 'side' that's for sure. I honestly believe she did the very best she could, and that's all any of us can ask, right?
As a kid I always knew I could talk to her, go to her for anything. In this day and age, thats alot. I really hope that Sam will feel the same way about me. All I can do, is try my best.
I wasn't doing my best a year and half ago, but I sure as hell am NOW. ha ha ha
Life is hard, you know it???
That's another thing mom always said growing up.
"life isn't fair"
She never lead me to believe it was. If life was 'fair' we WOULD have that 'do over' button.
You could do/try things until you get it 'right'
How do you raise a child in this day and age, with empathy, a conscience, and morals???
Im not sure!!!
But Im going to try.
The thing is,,,, neither one of my parents,, (that I lived with) were drug addicts.
But, look what happened to me. So, I think those people that say, if you do drugs, your child will, Im not so sure that's correct.
But, maybe the scientific studies that get done, that say, an 'addicts brain' is different than a 'regular' one, maybe they are on to something.
How do I stop MY child from doing drugs???
Do I scare the shit out of him, at an early age, showing him pictures and YouTube videos of what 'drugs do to you'
Or , do I answer questions as they come up? Who knows. I don't pretend to have all the answers. But this is something that weighs heavy on my mind, all the time.
Kids grow up, fast.
Mine will be FOUR, in just a few months.
And, I think kids 'grow up' even faster now, then they 'did' when I was a kid.
The internet, was something we took a 'class' about, when I was in highschool!!!
Chat rooms were only for geeks talking about computers, and pedophiles trying to seduce them!!!
Seriously thats what they told us, in 'internet' class.
At any rate, all I can do is tell him I love him every single day, , , and show him.

Cravings,,,,,,,,,,,,,
let's talk about THOSE, for a minute..................
so, they come and go, as usual. But, lately my brain tells me that I
"never got to say goodbye"
yea, thats the addict brain. I'm glad I can tell the difference now, between the addict end of my brain talking and the rest of it. This is how your addiction works, though. It waits patiently, til your guard goes down, and then takes a 'whack'
so, yea,, I never got to say goodbye. There are lots of stories, in meetings and groups, where people say "I knew it was my last hoo-ra"
Well, that's not really how it went for me. I knew I was starting suboxone treatment pretty soon, the last few times I took pills, yes. But I was so far down my 'dead end road' that there was NO WAY in hell, I had enough money to ACTUALLY feel high.
That was something that had only happened occasionally in the last few months of using. A 'high' consisted of so many pills, while "not dope sick" was much more attainable.
I'd even go as far to say that the last YEAR was all about 'not being dopesick'
So, I'm thinking about this for awhile, and I'm thinking,,,,,,,,,,,
If I would have been able to afford this last 'party' then I probably wouldn't have been ready to seriously, QUIT.
Maybe my 'goodbye' happened slowly, over the last year???
There are the stories out there as well, about people who were going to 'clean up' and went for their last 'goodbye',,,,, Only, it ended up being the REAL good-bye. Like the dirt nap kind.
Well, whatever I've been telling myself, it's been working so I'll go with that, for now.

I honestly believe that every day you have to do something towards your recovery. Every day you don't ,, is a day closer to relapse.

I've really been trying to lower my dose of suboxone. Not working out so well, here lately.
Now, I still take a bit less than I am prescribed, BUT , you know at the end of this month, I'll be paying out of pocket, or cash, whatever you want to say.
so, it would be nice if I could make that bill $200 a month instead of $500.
But, I guess if I can't get there, 500 a month is a small price to pay for where I am these days.
Seriously, who would have EVER thought, you could get your shit together, in such a small amount of time???
Woo -- Hoo.
It's hard work every single day.
I guess I didn't realize how irresponsible I was being???
well, of course you don't realize how selfish you are or anything, being a drug addict. But I mean, just blindly, trying to get thru life, only concentrating on what YOU NEED, for that DAY.
That's all the amount of time you can see, just that DAY.
Now, I stress out about things, months ahead of time, LOL
I thought I had stress then, but it was over small things. It seemed like the more drama I had stirred up about other people, the better it was. You know, cuz if I could keep all the 'attention' on everyone else, then I didn't have to look at myself.
Well, that's the only thing I can make sense of, out of it.

These days, I reach out for help, when I need it. I go to support groups, and talk to a therapist. I have alot of people in my 'corner' hoping I can 'make it'.....
It really is cool, to have that much support.
On the other hand, this is the
Battle of (for) your life
And there's no such thing as TOO MANY people to go to, in that battle.

So, with that, I'm done for today, I promise a more in-depth entry next week. My head's all over the place today. I'm hopeful to get into the doctor next week, too. To see about some meds for my ADHD.
Thanks to EVERYBODY who's in my corner. Even if I don't 'personally' know you, THANK YOU
very, very much.
Its so encouraging,,, to know Im not in this alone.

Oh, and here's some new pics, from yesterday ............sam in the fire truck
and the neighbor had his ATV out last week, so Mike got to ride sam up and down the street!!!!








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