Sunday, September 16, 2012

a timeline in pictures, and a bit about my father

17 months last Friday......................

already??? That's what it feels like. Because I try not to think about how long it's been that much. When I think about that, I think how I'll never be able to recreationally use drugs again. I'm jealous (almost) of people that CAN. My brain, has just never worked that way.

There's been this big two-part article in the newspaper about how heroin use around here has skyrocketed the last few years. Really? you're JUST figuring this out???
http://www.dailyastorian.com/free/heroin-clatsop-county-s-illegal-drug-of-choice-boosts-crime/article_123cb04c-fdc4-11e1-8c0a-0019bb2963f4.html
(this is the first part, and you have to find the link to the second, on the right side of the page)
Don't get me wrong, its good they are bringing it up. But, most people that read these articles think that everybody that uses heroin, looks like the people in the mugshots. That couldn't be further from the truth. Maybe they look like that years down the road, after there options are all gone, after they have burnt every bridge, etc, etc. The first time you do heroin you don't automatically end up sleeping under the bridge, or at some 'compound' with 6 trailers full of people and no running water. All though, thats a good idea of where your headed, it doesn't happen THAT fast.
When you're a recovering addict you want to save EVERYBODY. You want everybody to know what this freedom is like, and that you really can find happiness again. But then you remember how many people tried to talk YOU out of it, and how you didn't listen to anything anybody else said at that time either.
I really don't know what the answer is, but just like I said last week, I KNOW for sure, jail isn't it.

So, before I ever got strung-out on painkillers I was diagnosed with ADHD, and OCD. The adhd Ive had my whole life. I wasn't on any medication for it until I went to Job Corps at 18 though. And the OCD was definitely mild, but there. I was on meds for both until you know, the pain pills took over and I didnt care any more. I forget the exact percentage but it's something like 70% of drug addicts have some sort of mental disorder, and thats what they start out 'medicating'. I can't say that's true for me, I don't really know since I was already on something for my 'issues'. I just thought the opiates made EVERYTHING better. Ha ha ha

Now that I have 17 months,,,, I can totally feel these symptoms coming raging back. It's been really slow and steady, and most of the time it's totally bearable. But lately when I get stressed out, its been UNbearable. Im going to talk to my doctor at the beginning of the month when I see him again. There must be new options for medications for these disorders now. I just don't see things getting better as time goes on. Ignoring it isn't working so great any more!! I've talked to my therapist numerous times, and we've tried all kinds of things up until this point. She said she's pretty much out of good ideas now, and medication might be necessary.
So, we'll see what the dr. says, or what his ideas are. I think if I had these other issues under control a bit more I could get by on less suboxone. Next month I'll be paying for my suboxone with cash again, and for the dose I'm prescribed now its about $550 a month. You can see why I'm looking at other options for being on less. I've gotten by on about half as much for a while, just to see if I could do it.
My therapist says that add type disorders and ocd, are 'progressive' illnesses. Just like addiction, the symptoms progress as time goes on. My biological father has these two 'issues' on his diagnosis sheet, as well as many many others.
The doctor I have now, had my father's medical records looked up, when I went into treatment.
My mother and I had a paternity test when I was a teenager, and Im the only 'offspring' the guy has, so I guess it was pretty easy for the doctor to do this, since he is 'in state custody'
No, not jail, the other institution.
He's been there since 2005 the paperwork says. So at least the last 7 years they know what they've been treating him for. My doctor wanted to see what issues he was dealing with, and how many of them have 'genetic characteristics'.
It's kind of weird, knowing that your biological father is so freaking insane, they have him locked up. To tell ya the truth, I dont think about it all that much. He's never been 'in my life' so to say. The first time I met him was after I graduated high school, and I saw him maybe 3 more times after that. I tried having a relationship with him, but it wasn't until years later I figured out HE is INCAPABLE of having any relationship, with anyone. In the few times I was around him, I never saw one ounce of emotion in the guy. I mean nothing. He got angry a few times, and that was the only human-like emotion I ever saw.
My mother says he wasn't like that when she knew him. I can believe that, Im sure 30 years of hard drug use will do that to a person. I think about the damage I did in ten, and I can only imagine how it would have been three times that long.
His side of the family, is very 'well to do' to say the least. I visited a few times as a teenager, I never saw my father though, only his parents/sister.  Growing up, I always wanted to, but I didn't want to hurt my mother or my dad (her husband, yes, I know, confusing). My 'dad' has been around since I was 6 or so? dont remember exactly, but after my brother was born, we accepted each other, and I've called him my dad, ever since.  Anyways, it's because of this situation, that I know children are engineered to love thier parents. As dysfunctional as my father was ,,,, I still wanted to try and see him, try and have some bond with him but it never happened.
Things aren't always like the movies, where the girl finds her father, and they hang out and live happily ever after as the screen fades out. Sometimes they are nothing short of a lunatic, and they need a weekend pass to go anywhere.
When my son was about 6 months old, my grandfather, on my father's side passed away. For whatever reason I decided I wanted to go to the funeral. This man was always nice to me, when I went up there to visit. He kind of felt like the only one that really, truly wanted to see me, or get to know me. So, we drive up there, about 3 hours. After parking in the parking lot, we are surrounded by Lincolns, Cadillacs and the like. Im thinking, oh yea this is the place.
We walk in, and sit in the very back row.
Mike kept asking me if I was 'ok'. Of course not, but I was dealing with my emotions, the best I knew how, at that time.
So, we are there about ten minutes, it's this big fancy ceremony, with everyone dressed really nice, all in black. My father's sister, and her kids/husband, all have Hawaiian shirts on, and they are standing in the front. Along with my father and his mother.(his favorite place to go was Hawaii) So, it looks like his 'immediate family' is standing up, front and center. Except me of course. I was invited, that's how I knew where the funeral was. My 'grandmother' called and told me, almost sounding like a chore she had to do. Anyways, seeing that made me hurt a bit. Then the funeral part is starting, a song starts playing and I can see my 'aunt' whispering to other people as they walk by, and I can read lips, she was saying my name. I'm sure of it. She didn't walk over and say Hi, nobody did.
So, I looked at Mike and said Im ready to leave.
He looked like he hurt FOR me, and grabbed the car seat and we all fled. I'm at peace with it now, it doesn't hurt anymore. I know now, its not MY problem, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about how THEY are. Its sorta funny, if you think about it, how they all probably view me as his illegitimate child down in Oregon. The one nobody talks about. It's thier loss, really. I've turned into a great person, and they are missing out on knowing me and my family now.
So when I think sometimes that I'd like to be 'wealthy' or whatever word you want to use, that's the example I have of a 'wealthy family' and honestly, I wouldn't want any part of it.
I'd take my family ANY day, the family that'll take in a stranger off the street and treat them the same as everyone else. Not to mention if there was a family member that we didn't know and wanted to know US, any of us would 'take them in' and not stand from afar and point them out to everyone.  I hope I'm making sense. I'm just trying to explain, if it were the other way around, and some body's adult child showed up to a family gathering, things wouldn't unfold the way they did for me, mike and sam.
I hate that it hurts my mom, and grandma. When I told them both what happened, they were both upset, and my mom wanted to call. I talked her out of it, I mean, whats done is done. It really doesn't matter.
Should I go after my father's inheritance, when his mother dies??? Or whatever the 'grandkids' get???? Who knows, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. There are two other children, my cousins that my 'aunt' had. It's funny that she was in her mid thirties when  her parents invited me up to 'visit' the first time, and about a two years after that she had her first child. maybe it IS just a coincidence.
Well, I didn't mean to get so deep into THAT story, but I did!!!
It's not a secret by any means, we just don't talk about it.

Work's been way slow.
I actually volunteered to be off early thursday, sort of taking turns with the other guy I work with. He was off friday. I don't know about tomorrow. There is one delivery in the morning, and HOPEFULLY more work surfaces. I know we have stuff coming up but its a week or two out.
which SUCKS. I just hope things pick up and stay 'steady' through the winter. We can be okay if I have a day or two off each pay period, but no more than that!!!!! I don't want to file unemployment, since Ive only been working about 15 months. I'd like to 'build it up' for when I really do need it. I'm hoping that wont be this winter!!!
Now that builder's supply is going to close, I think our shop will pick up alot of orders.
And, now we have a new salesmen, that used to work at builder's supply. I know, a small world.
Anyways,,,, Im hoping he brings lots of work, with the contractors that are loyal to him. I think I must have talked about this last week????

Well, we are going to a community BBQ today with grandma. Should be fun. I hope they have some stuff for kids to do, or sam will go bananas.
Thanks for reading my entry today. This one was more personal than alot of them have been. I don't talk about my father much.  Now you probably know why!!!

this(above) was taken January 2010
I look so, empty??


April,,,, 2010
Doesn't look like any of those 'mugshot' pictures, does it???


Thanksgiving (november)  2010

No, Im not smiling here, its the only one I could find even 'close' to April 14th. Guess I wasnt in any kind of a mood to have pics taken!!! This is only 7 days, on suboxone, its about 65 degrees out, and Im in a sweatshirt. This was at the egg hunt before easter. And Im 'kicking'

Christmas, 2011
7 months, sober

ONE YEAR, sober
Looks like a different person, than the first, thats because I am.  :-}

Two weeks ago


Thanks for stopping by!!!!!!!!!!!!

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