Sunday, September 30, 2012

My adhd tests(lol), meds, and sons' first day of school

***deep breath***
I'm probably going to make you laugh today.
But before I do, I'll talk about what I need to.
Things are going well.
So, my poor car has been making this HORRIBLE squeaking noise, or I should say noises, for a couple weeks now. I didn't really have the money to do anything about it. First Mike tried to grease it, with a regular grease gun, but we didn't have the right 'fitting' and that one piece was over $30. So, I could just take it to a shop for an oil change/lube job and spent the same amount of money.
Well, another week goes by..............Now Im starting to dream at night that the tire falls off while I'm driving down the highway!!  THAT is NO good. So I buckled down and asked my dad for help. Went and bought oil/filter and met him at his shop today. And guess what??!!!!!
When we got there, sam says, "hey poppa, we got a squeaky in our car"
it was really cute.
When we were pulling away, he says "Poppa got the squeaky out!"
Yep!! he SURE did!!! I told my mom I feel like a first class citizen again!! It's so embarrassing driving into the preschool parking lot, in a car everyone can hear coming down the road from a half mile away. What a relief it will be to not have that going on, on monday. :-)

Worked about 25 hours this week..... Next week is really busy. Friday  we got all the trim in for the big museum in Astoria. It's about 5,000 feet of trim. Mostly 1x 12 and 1x18. we only got about half of it in, on friday. the rest is coming monday. So, I will be one busy lil painter next week. Fine by me!!!

So, when I went to see the doctor last week,,,,,,,,
I was really nervous, for WHATEVER reason. I get worked up about anything, really. At home I made a list of what I wanted to talk to him about, or things I wanted to tell him, but of COURSE, like always I forgot the damn list!!!
So, I get there and I tell him Im ready (this time) to talk about ADHD meds.
Last month, he gave me 5 days worth of a sample. He told me it was a 'new' medication, and I could try it and see how it goes. Well, I did try it and I felt much better. But I wasn't quite sold on the fact I needed medication to 'control' my symptoms. Last week I said you know, this is really becoming an issue now.
He said,,, "well, I would like to do some tests this time and see exactly where we are"
I,,, was of course fine with that.
the first test, was a clapping test.
he says,,,,,, If I clap once, you clap twice, If I clap twice, you don't clap.
He says, do you understand? I say NO, I wasn't listening.
So, it took three times, of him saying it, before I 'got it'
we start, the test
the first few, I did great. then I forgot the instructions. seriously, I forgot the instructions he gave me three times!!!!
he says, are you failing on purpose???
I say,,, I thought if I PASSED it, I was ADD???
he laughs.
next test............
he puts his computer screen in front of me,,,,,,,,,
says Im gonna show you some pictures, and then ask you some questions, k?
I say,
dirty pictures?????
no, he says, not dirty pictures, I know, its gonna be boring.
first picture was of a bedroom. I think I got to look at it 5 seconds??? maybe not.
Anyways he says.
where was the lamp, in the room???
I say
the door was really short, compared to the window, the drapes didn't match the carpet and the lamp was ON but the SUN was out side the window. but I don't know where the lamp was other than kinda by the sun.
next picture,,,, was of a park, with a road kinda in the background
he asks,,,,,
name three things in the playground
I say
there were no license plates on the cars,
no grass on the playground,
and by the way there were NO kids at the playground???
does that count??
He says, sure it counts. Im not sure for what, but sure.

at least he's got a sense of humor,right???
last one..............
Do you know how to play simon says???
yea!! of course. LOL
okay,,,, 'simon says, touch your nose'
(I touch my nose)
He says, good, you DO KNOW.
now, touch your ear.
(I touch my ear)
He says, I thought you knew how to play????
well, I thought I did!!!!!!
I asked for a 'do over' but to no avail.
He explained to me, that having this disorder, doesn't mean your not intelligent or anything like that. I guess in medical school, they had them put on headphones that played music fairly loud, had people walking dogs around the room, and told the students (doctors, now) to read this page in a book.
When they got done, they had a test on the page.
My doc says many of the students in the class, didn't even get a chance to read the entire page!! Im like, thats how I feel!!!! This was an exercise for them to 'see' whats its like to have add symptoms.
With add/adhd you sort of learn to work around your symptoms, that's why many people can absorb information from many places at one time, just nothing substantial from any ONE source.
So, it was nice to know that he understood a bit at least, of where I was coming from.
If we back up to the month befores' appointment, when he gave me the sample, I told him I didn't really want to be on a stimulant. That they are abusable, and I'd like to steer away from that. He tried explaining to me that when you have ADD, it doesn't WORK, act or feel like a stimulant, though.
He asked how much (how well) the sample worked. Well, I didn't really feel much better til about the 3rd day. I did notice a difference then. Most of my anxiety was gone, my thoughts had slowed down to a pace I could actually 'catch' one once in awhile. LOL
WELL, the dr. says, I hate to tell you this but I lied to you. I was sorta shocked. He says ,,,,, that was a stimulant, just in a form with less abuse-potential.
So, he thinks this is what we need to go with. To start out slow, and see how dosage goes over time.
I was okay with that. Now, that it's been almost a week, I'm REALLY okay with it.
The other thing he said was........
You have been a really great patient. You've been nothing but brutally honest with me, for the most part. We did have a few issues in the beginning, but overall you've been one of the best replacement therapy patients I've ever had. I really trust that you won't try to abuse this and if you do become uncomfortable that you can call me and we'll work something else out."
we put this huge thing above a doctor's head I think. that they are like 'better' than us 'normal' folks? I'm not sure why we do that. They are human just like you or me.  At any rate, it's been a really, really long time since any doctor had anything nice to say about me. I was totally shocked, and it definitely gave me a boost on the self-esteem. Coming in for drug tests, blood tests, "counts" and whatever else over the last 17 months has been trying at times. But, that kinda made it all better.

Got the prescription filled, and it was a lil under $50. For a months worth, that's completely tolerable. The first few days, I felt somewhat better but still had some racing thoughts and anxiety.
By the end of the week though, I was most definitely feeling much much better.
It's crazy to me that we ignore something for so long, we actually 'trick' ourselves into thinking it's "normal" I think. Maybe your body just realizes it's got to 'push' thru and goes into survival mode.
So many things are different  for me. My thoughts don't race through my head 24/7 now. To be fair, I still have a lot of them, and it is still a challenge to think clearly sometimes, but the majority of the time, it feels pretty normal.
The anxiety that I was feeling every single day, is so much better. I don't constantly think someones going to come crashing into the car, or the wheel will fall off while driving down the highway. Seriously, that's how it was. Any kind of scenario I could think up, I would think was going to happen.
That is so much better. There was also times, that I would have some OCD type behaviors. You know, I discussed these with my therapist and my Doctor. We decided it wasn't enough to worry about yet, but maybe keep an eye on. Well, the great news is, that's pretty much gone with these meds, too.
Maybe it was just another disaster brewing from so much anxiety and trouble thinking.

Like I said, I cannot believe the difference. I really should have said something months ago.
The only side effect I'm really having is I'm not real hungry during the day. But I've been taking my Dr.'s advice and eating breakfast before I take my dose.
That way I've eaten at least one good meal. Maybe 'good' is the wrong word. "substantial'' meal, may be better.
He explained that even though the drug won't effect me like a stimulant, most people do experience a loss of appetite, and maybe some weight loss. Well, since I've been losing weight slowly and steadily since Ive started seeing him, he said he wasn't too worried. BUT that if I lose too much too fast, then that will be a problem. I'm still exercising, and I definitely just remind myself to snack (healthy) even though I'm not really hungry. And, Im not even craving CANDY as bad. It will still hit me in the evening sometimes, but you know before sometimes I'd eat a bag of candy for breakfast. LOL

I'm so glad I got my car fixed. Did I mention that???
Dad if you read this, THANKYOU..................
That noise was really driving me completely bonkers!!!!
I finished pressure washing grandma's house yesterday. It felt really good to help her. You know, to make up a little more for what I've done in the past. She was really happy when I was done, so happy she had a tear in her eye. I don't know if it was because the house looked so much better, but I was thinking maybe she was tearing up because of how much I've changed. Either way, I'm so glad she's proud of me.
Didn't really experience much in the way of cravings this week. Maybe it was all the other changes I was feeling with the new script. I am going to try and take less suboxone, now that I have some other 'ticks' under control. The Dr. was okay with that,, too. He said make sure not to push myself, and don't look at as a failure if I don't get as low as I want to, as fast as I want to.
I can see his point. So , I will just take it day by day and celebrate the little victories.
My son's first day of head start was last week. WOW, I can't believe how fast they grow!!! I think I've said it before, it's like I woke up one morning, to go get my baby outta bed, and found a little boy there.........
I am really glad he got into head start. At first they said I made too much money last year. Mike worked last year too, but we didn't work at the same time. So what we made, over the course of the year, was what one of us would  have. He was not on unemployment, either. Anyways, they said we were in the highest 'bracket' they accept, but they hadn't had anybody from that bracket in two years. They also asked, if he had any 'barriers'. Like a parent in jail, a learning disability, things like that. I said, I'm in out-patient treatment and have been for over a year, does that count? Well, apparently someone thought so!! whatever works, right? TWO DAYS before school started, they called. But, I don't care, he got in!! He was SO EXCITED to ride the bus from the daycare/preschool center he goes to now, to head start. So, three days a week they pick him up on the bus and take him back afterwards. Grandma waited with us for the bus the first day. The battery died in my camera, of course. But, she got a picture. I did go and have lunch with him though. I'd like to do that at least every other week. They encourage you to come volunteer in your child's class for an hour here and there, or as often as you can. He was really proud I came the first day!!
I felt like one of the teachers was a big judgemental or perhaps standoff-ish to me. But, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm just going to overlook that for now, and see if she changes her mind. I hope so. :-)

Thats about all I've got for now.
You know, I can't put into words how much this helps me. Even though typing your feelings may not seem like that big of a deal, it makes me a little more accountable, and it provides such a relief of the emotions that over-run me at times.
The guilt, shame, resentment I feel sometimes because of my addiction.
These feelings don't go away, but sharing them makes it a bit more tolerable.
Putting a "face" on addiction is something I really wanted to do.
there's so much stigma with being a drug addict. Some people write you off, like you will never be anything else, in their eyes.
But,,,,,,, addicts CAN come out on the other side. We can overcome our past, or at least work at it!!!!
I hope one day that stigma is gone. I know that's a long shot, but maybe it will be more 'accepted' as a disease or disorder. I honestly believe it CAN be a deasise for some, a compulsion for others.
Some people 'get clean alone'. They just 'think it up' and quit. HA, that was definitely not my addiction.
We'll save that discussion for another time!!!

Thanks so much, for listening.....................................................

Sam's FIRST DAY______
 And, this is the pumpkin I brought home from the store yesterday. . . Hes soooooooo excited for halloween!!!   and yes, I need to vacuum!!! but it was too cute of a picture!!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

No "last goodbye" for me

Hey everybody...............
My post is up a little late today...........
I don't know if I ate some bad food yesterday or what!!??
But I was S-I-C-K
I'll spare ya the horrible details!! Feeling much better today. that's why I think it may have been the food??? Hit me about 30mins after I ate, only lasted about 12 hours.
Oh well,
the important thing, I'm better now.

So, yesterday we went to the 'childrens safety fair'
and got the car seat checked, let Sam ride his bicycle through their little obstacle course, AND he got to climb all over a FIRE TRUCK!!! he was SUPER excited about that, let me tell ya.

Then, we went to grandma's and started pressure washing the house. We didn't get to finish however, cuz I got SICK. Gonna finish up either this week or next weekend.

Ended up working just a couple days. Started my unemployment claim. So at least that will be there, if I have another couple of slow weeks this winter.
The company ordered a whole bunch of things like they used to stock at Builder's supply. Which is now officially closed/out of business.
And, I think things are starting to pick up, because friday when I was there, there was about 6 contractors there after lunch. More than Ive seen in a long time.

Anyways,,,, so thats how life is in 'general'
Got to hang out with my mom last week. She wanted to go to Longview and hit a few stores that we don't have here. It was fun, to kind of get away, and it just be her and me. That hasn't happened, in I don't know,,, years???
She wanted to talk to me about my father, and his side of the family. About how if she could have done things differently, ya know she would have. OF COURSE,,,,,,, wouldn't that be AWESOME,, if life had a 'do over' button???
I don't blame my mom for anything having to do with my father, or any of his 'side' that's for sure. I honestly believe she did the very best she could, and that's all any of us can ask, right?
As a kid I always knew I could talk to her, go to her for anything. In this day and age, thats alot. I really hope that Sam will feel the same way about me. All I can do, is try my best.
I wasn't doing my best a year and half ago, but I sure as hell am NOW. ha ha ha
Life is hard, you know it???
That's another thing mom always said growing up.
"life isn't fair"
She never lead me to believe it was. If life was 'fair' we WOULD have that 'do over' button.
You could do/try things until you get it 'right'
How do you raise a child in this day and age, with empathy, a conscience, and morals???
Im not sure!!!
But Im going to try.
The thing is,,,, neither one of my parents,, (that I lived with) were drug addicts.
But, look what happened to me. So, I think those people that say, if you do drugs, your child will, Im not so sure that's correct.
But, maybe the scientific studies that get done, that say, an 'addicts brain' is different than a 'regular' one, maybe they are on to something.
How do I stop MY child from doing drugs???
Do I scare the shit out of him, at an early age, showing him pictures and YouTube videos of what 'drugs do to you'
Or , do I answer questions as they come up? Who knows. I don't pretend to have all the answers. But this is something that weighs heavy on my mind, all the time.
Kids grow up, fast.
Mine will be FOUR, in just a few months.
And, I think kids 'grow up' even faster now, then they 'did' when I was a kid.
The internet, was something we took a 'class' about, when I was in highschool!!!
Chat rooms were only for geeks talking about computers, and pedophiles trying to seduce them!!!
Seriously thats what they told us, in 'internet' class.
At any rate, all I can do is tell him I love him every single day, , , and show him.

let's talk about THOSE, for a minute..................
so, they come and go, as usual. But, lately my brain tells me that I
"never got to say goodbye"
yea, thats the addict brain. I'm glad I can tell the difference now, between the addict end of my brain talking and the rest of it. This is how your addiction works, though. It waits patiently, til your guard goes down, and then takes a 'whack'
so, yea,, I never got to say goodbye. There are lots of stories, in meetings and groups, where people say "I knew it was my last hoo-ra"
Well, that's not really how it went for me. I knew I was starting suboxone treatment pretty soon, the last few times I took pills, yes. But I was so far down my 'dead end road' that there was NO WAY in hell, I had enough money to ACTUALLY feel high.
That was something that had only happened occasionally in the last few months of using. A 'high' consisted of so many pills, while "not dope sick" was much more attainable.
I'd even go as far to say that the last YEAR was all about 'not being dopesick'
So, I'm thinking about this for awhile, and I'm thinking,,,,,,,,,,,
If I would have been able to afford this last 'party' then I probably wouldn't have been ready to seriously, QUIT.
Maybe my 'goodbye' happened slowly, over the last year???
There are the stories out there as well, about people who were going to 'clean up' and went for their last 'goodbye',,,,, Only, it ended up being the REAL good-bye. Like the dirt nap kind.
Well, whatever I've been telling myself, it's been working so I'll go with that, for now.

I honestly believe that every day you have to do something towards your recovery. Every day you don't ,, is a day closer to relapse.

I've really been trying to lower my dose of suboxone. Not working out so well, here lately.
Now, I still take a bit less than I am prescribed, BUT , you know at the end of this month, I'll be paying out of pocket, or cash, whatever you want to say.
so, it would be nice if I could make that bill $200 a month instead of $500.
But, I guess if I can't get there, 500 a month is a small price to pay for where I am these days.
Seriously, who would have EVER thought, you could get your shit together, in such a small amount of time???
Woo -- Hoo.
It's hard work every single day.
I guess I didn't realize how irresponsible I was being???
well, of course you don't realize how selfish you are or anything, being a drug addict. But I mean, just blindly, trying to get thru life, only concentrating on what YOU NEED, for that DAY.
That's all the amount of time you can see, just that DAY.
Now, I stress out about things, months ahead of time, LOL
I thought I had stress then, but it was over small things. It seemed like the more drama I had stirred up about other people, the better it was. You know, cuz if I could keep all the 'attention' on everyone else, then I didn't have to look at myself.
Well, that's the only thing I can make sense of, out of it.

These days, I reach out for help, when I need it. I go to support groups, and talk to a therapist. I have alot of people in my 'corner' hoping I can 'make it'.....
It really is cool, to have that much support.
On the other hand, this is the
Battle of (for) your life
And there's no such thing as TOO MANY people to go to, in that battle.

So, with that, I'm done for today, I promise a more in-depth entry next week. My head's all over the place today. I'm hopeful to get into the doctor next week, too. To see about some meds for my ADHD.
Thanks to EVERYBODY who's in my corner. Even if I don't 'personally' know you, THANK YOU
very, very much.
Its so encouraging,,, to know Im not in this alone.

Oh, and here's some new pics, from yesterday ............sam in the fire truck
and the neighbor had his ATV out last week, so Mike got to ride sam up and down the street!!!!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

a timeline in pictures, and a bit about my father

17 months last Friday......................

already??? That's what it feels like. Because I try not to think about how long it's been that much. When I think about that, I think how I'll never be able to recreationally use drugs again. I'm jealous (almost) of people that CAN. My brain, has just never worked that way.

There's been this big two-part article in the newspaper about how heroin use around here has skyrocketed the last few years. Really? you're JUST figuring this out???
(this is the first part, and you have to find the link to the second, on the right side of the page)
Don't get me wrong, its good they are bringing it up. But, most people that read these articles think that everybody that uses heroin, looks like the people in the mugshots. That couldn't be further from the truth. Maybe they look like that years down the road, after there options are all gone, after they have burnt every bridge, etc, etc. The first time you do heroin you don't automatically end up sleeping under the bridge, or at some 'compound' with 6 trailers full of people and no running water. All though, thats a good idea of where your headed, it doesn't happen THAT fast.
When you're a recovering addict you want to save EVERYBODY. You want everybody to know what this freedom is like, and that you really can find happiness again. But then you remember how many people tried to talk YOU out of it, and how you didn't listen to anything anybody else said at that time either.
I really don't know what the answer is, but just like I said last week, I KNOW for sure, jail isn't it.

So, before I ever got strung-out on painkillers I was diagnosed with ADHD, and OCD. The adhd Ive had my whole life. I wasn't on any medication for it until I went to Job Corps at 18 though. And the OCD was definitely mild, but there. I was on meds for both until you know, the pain pills took over and I didnt care any more. I forget the exact percentage but it's something like 70% of drug addicts have some sort of mental disorder, and thats what they start out 'medicating'. I can't say that's true for me, I don't really know since I was already on something for my 'issues'. I just thought the opiates made EVERYTHING better. Ha ha ha

Now that I have 17 months,,,, I can totally feel these symptoms coming raging back. It's been really slow and steady, and most of the time it's totally bearable. But lately when I get stressed out, its been UNbearable. Im going to talk to my doctor at the beginning of the month when I see him again. There must be new options for medications for these disorders now. I just don't see things getting better as time goes on. Ignoring it isn't working so great any more!! I've talked to my therapist numerous times, and we've tried all kinds of things up until this point. She said she's pretty much out of good ideas now, and medication might be necessary.
So, we'll see what the dr. says, or what his ideas are. I think if I had these other issues under control a bit more I could get by on less suboxone. Next month I'll be paying for my suboxone with cash again, and for the dose I'm prescribed now its about $550 a month. You can see why I'm looking at other options for being on less. I've gotten by on about half as much for a while, just to see if I could do it.
My therapist says that add type disorders and ocd, are 'progressive' illnesses. Just like addiction, the symptoms progress as time goes on. My biological father has these two 'issues' on his diagnosis sheet, as well as many many others.
The doctor I have now, had my father's medical records looked up, when I went into treatment.
My mother and I had a paternity test when I was a teenager, and Im the only 'offspring' the guy has, so I guess it was pretty easy for the doctor to do this, since he is 'in state custody'
No, not jail, the other institution.
He's been there since 2005 the paperwork says. So at least the last 7 years they know what they've been treating him for. My doctor wanted to see what issues he was dealing with, and how many of them have 'genetic characteristics'.
It's kind of weird, knowing that your biological father is so freaking insane, they have him locked up. To tell ya the truth, I dont think about it all that much. He's never been 'in my life' so to say. The first time I met him was after I graduated high school, and I saw him maybe 3 more times after that. I tried having a relationship with him, but it wasn't until years later I figured out HE is INCAPABLE of having any relationship, with anyone. In the few times I was around him, I never saw one ounce of emotion in the guy. I mean nothing. He got angry a few times, and that was the only human-like emotion I ever saw.
My mother says he wasn't like that when she knew him. I can believe that, Im sure 30 years of hard drug use will do that to a person. I think about the damage I did in ten, and I can only imagine how it would have been three times that long.
His side of the family, is very 'well to do' to say the least. I visited a few times as a teenager, I never saw my father though, only his parents/sister.  Growing up, I always wanted to, but I didn't want to hurt my mother or my dad (her husband, yes, I know, confusing). My 'dad' has been around since I was 6 or so? dont remember exactly, but after my brother was born, we accepted each other, and I've called him my dad, ever since.  Anyways, it's because of this situation, that I know children are engineered to love thier parents. As dysfunctional as my father was ,,,, I still wanted to try and see him, try and have some bond with him but it never happened.
Things aren't always like the movies, where the girl finds her father, and they hang out and live happily ever after as the screen fades out. Sometimes they are nothing short of a lunatic, and they need a weekend pass to go anywhere.
When my son was about 6 months old, my grandfather, on my father's side passed away. For whatever reason I decided I wanted to go to the funeral. This man was always nice to me, when I went up there to visit. He kind of felt like the only one that really, truly wanted to see me, or get to know me. So, we drive up there, about 3 hours. After parking in the parking lot, we are surrounded by Lincolns, Cadillacs and the like. Im thinking, oh yea this is the place.
We walk in, and sit in the very back row.
Mike kept asking me if I was 'ok'. Of course not, but I was dealing with my emotions, the best I knew how, at that time.
So, we are there about ten minutes, it's this big fancy ceremony, with everyone dressed really nice, all in black. My father's sister, and her kids/husband, all have Hawaiian shirts on, and they are standing in the front. Along with my father and his mother.(his favorite place to go was Hawaii) So, it looks like his 'immediate family' is standing up, front and center. Except me of course. I was invited, that's how I knew where the funeral was. My 'grandmother' called and told me, almost sounding like a chore she had to do. Anyways, seeing that made me hurt a bit. Then the funeral part is starting, a song starts playing and I can see my 'aunt' whispering to other people as they walk by, and I can read lips, she was saying my name. I'm sure of it. She didn't walk over and say Hi, nobody did.
So, I looked at Mike and said Im ready to leave.
He looked like he hurt FOR me, and grabbed the car seat and we all fled. I'm at peace with it now, it doesn't hurt anymore. I know now, its not MY problem, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about how THEY are. Its sorta funny, if you think about it, how they all probably view me as his illegitimate child down in Oregon. The one nobody talks about. It's thier loss, really. I've turned into a great person, and they are missing out on knowing me and my family now.
So when I think sometimes that I'd like to be 'wealthy' or whatever word you want to use, that's the example I have of a 'wealthy family' and honestly, I wouldn't want any part of it.
I'd take my family ANY day, the family that'll take in a stranger off the street and treat them the same as everyone else. Not to mention if there was a family member that we didn't know and wanted to know US, any of us would 'take them in' and not stand from afar and point them out to everyone.  I hope I'm making sense. I'm just trying to explain, if it were the other way around, and some body's adult child showed up to a family gathering, things wouldn't unfold the way they did for me, mike and sam.
I hate that it hurts my mom, and grandma. When I told them both what happened, they were both upset, and my mom wanted to call. I talked her out of it, I mean, whats done is done. It really doesn't matter.
Should I go after my father's inheritance, when his mother dies??? Or whatever the 'grandkids' get???? Who knows, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. There are two other children, my cousins that my 'aunt' had. It's funny that she was in her mid thirties when  her parents invited me up to 'visit' the first time, and about a two years after that she had her first child. maybe it IS just a coincidence.
Well, I didn't mean to get so deep into THAT story, but I did!!!
It's not a secret by any means, we just don't talk about it.

Work's been way slow.
I actually volunteered to be off early thursday, sort of taking turns with the other guy I work with. He was off friday. I don't know about tomorrow. There is one delivery in the morning, and HOPEFULLY more work surfaces. I know we have stuff coming up but its a week or two out.
which SUCKS. I just hope things pick up and stay 'steady' through the winter. We can be okay if I have a day or two off each pay period, but no more than that!!!!! I don't want to file unemployment, since Ive only been working about 15 months. I'd like to 'build it up' for when I really do need it. I'm hoping that wont be this winter!!!
Now that builder's supply is going to close, I think our shop will pick up alot of orders.
And, now we have a new salesmen, that used to work at builder's supply. I know, a small world.
Anyways,,,, Im hoping he brings lots of work, with the contractors that are loyal to him. I think I must have talked about this last week????

Well, we are going to a community BBQ today with grandma. Should be fun. I hope they have some stuff for kids to do, or sam will go bananas.
Thanks for reading my entry today. This one was more personal than alot of them have been. I don't talk about my father much.  Now you probably know why!!!

this(above) was taken January 2010
I look so, empty??

April,,,, 2010
Doesn't look like any of those 'mugshot' pictures, does it???

Thanksgiving (november)  2010

No, Im not smiling here, its the only one I could find even 'close' to April 14th. Guess I wasnt in any kind of a mood to have pics taken!!! This is only 7 days, on suboxone, its about 65 degrees out, and Im in a sweatshirt. This was at the egg hunt before easter. And Im 'kicking'

Christmas, 2011
7 months, sober

ONE YEAR, sober
Looks like a different person, than the first, thats because I am.  :-}

Two weeks ago

Thanks for stopping by!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

historic bust in town, and my landlord

Happy Saturday everybody  :-)

Work went good this week, it was a four day week with the holiday.
People that live around where I do, probably already know the authorities completed the largest drug bust EVER in this county, at the end of Labor Day weekend.
25 arrests in all.
I knew 12 of those people. Actually 17/18 of them were familiar to me, 12 of them I had dealt with at least once, and EIGHT of them I knew VERY well. Or at least used to.
One of them, was the friend I've talked about here, that went to jail about 6 weeks ago. I also helped him get into see my doctor, and all that stuff. Obviously it didn't last long. But I did TRY.
To be honest here, )well thats why I'm writing, this is where I'm really honest with
myslef) at first, I felt very humbled and appreciative that I was NOT on the front page of the newspaper, or on the 5 o'clock news.
Then, I got sad.
I'm sad that most of these people are NOT bad people. They've just made a few bad decisions. And those bad decisions put them so far down a hole they feel like there's nowhere else to go.
I know at least for the friend I tried helping, his dad was also arrested, and obviously it's hard to have family support when drug use is all you've ever seen from your family.
Even when he WAS doing better, he was still 'doing deals' just to pay rent.
I think most 'main stream' people don't really realize how hard it REALLY is to get help.
Even when you make the decision yourself, to get help, your on  a waiting list usually, you still live in the same place, ETC.
NOW, dont misunderstand me, I think it NEEDS to be difficult to 'make things better'
If it were EASY, well then it'd be way to easy to 'get it back together' therefore, resulting in another relapse.
when things are difficult, and you DO work for them, you constantly keep in mind that you would LOSE all that you've gained for one short high.
On the other hand, HOW difficult should it be????
I definitely think it's time we had another answer other than jail.
America's answer for everything drug related, is jail. Did you know America is the only country that 'jails' drug addicts?? we also have the MOST people in jail for drugs, by numbers alone, not percentages. and lets face it, OBVIOUSLY its NOT working!!!
  Jail,  gets the person a day or two clean, sure. but that's where it ends.
It makes your tolerance go down, so you can have a higher 'high' too. Yea, that probably helps a whole bunch.
In general, it takes an addict MORE than one 'try' to get sober. Just like ex-smokers. chances are the time they actually quit, was NOT the first attempt. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I really think jail is the WRONG one.
Now back to what I was talking about...................................
The entire next day all I could think about is people just like me, siting in jail, or released from jail but waiting for a court date to tell them just how long they are going to get.
Arresting drug addicts, is not winning the war on drugs.
Neither is 'siezing' the drugs.
Making treatment (in patient and out), replacement therapy, addiction counseling affordable and within REACH is going to do it.(or at least make a dent) And nothing less.
Believe me, many drug addicts just continue what they are doing because they have lost ALL hope that someone cares, that there IS a way out, and that they can change.

Sometimes I feel like I know all these people that are drowning, I can see their head just above the water line, and they are just fighting to stay alive. Arms are flailing around, scratching to stay on the surface, while others are sinking to the bottom , because they have just 'given up'. At the same time, all these people/politicians/government officials are walking by talking on their phones, eating lunch with their friends, etc.
If you go to the 'katu' site, the link at the top, you can see there's over 60 comments left by people. Most of them are making fun of the people arrested. Only a small percent are writing something worth reading.
Addiction doesn't discriminate. I'm sure some of the people writing on there have $20,000 worth of shoes, but are behind on taxes, or they spend a third of their paycheck on betting/gambling. You can be addicted to anything that makes you feel good. Sure, some of them are healthy addictions, I'll give you that. Just because the people that got arrested' addiction makes them look differently, doesn't mean we are better. All of us will be judged in the end, so let's try and cut it out in the meantime.
I tried posting a comment on that page at least three times. Every time, I just couldn't click "post'' because anyone whos going to write such hateful things won't listen to anybody else, anyways.
I'm still processing my feelings from this whole story.
It's working, but I still feel bad for their moms, dads, loved ones, the ones who 'see' what we don't, when you see their mugshot.

In other news.....................
My landlord from the apartment sent us a bill, last Tuesday.
Yep, saying that painting the walls cost $500 and cleaning the carpet $400. and so on and so on.
HALF of the stuff he 'nickled and dimed' on there, was already WRITTEN on the check in sheet from when we MOVED IN.
For example, on our check in sheet it says, "shelf broken in fridge"
our bill.................   new shelf in fridge $150

Yes, I'm serious. I'm not making it up!!! and I cannot believe it either!!! How the hell does this guy sleep at night???
Here's his big website, from  his big 'ol realty place he has in northern cali somewhere, where he sells multi-million dollar properties,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
apparently, he wins all kinds of awards and crap.
I'm working on copying everything and taking it to the lawyer, but I'm guessing it wont be worth paying the money to get anything.
I really LOVE how he waited SIX WEEKS to send us a BILL.
what a great guy.
that's all I have to say for now.

The way I HAVE to look at this situation,,,,,,,,
I have to turn it around, into something positive, or I'D GO CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!
because you know, I don't do DRUGS anymore!!!!!!
at LEAST we got OUT of that apartment!! seriously, I was getting SO depressed there at the end. I could totally feel this negative 'wave' of energy coming over me, every time I pulled in.
It's so much different now. things are so much more peaceful. the WHOLE family seems more at peace since moving. I mean I KNEW moving was going to be a (good) dramatic change, but I really had no idea.

Now that entire 'drug scene' just feels VERY distant.
So, those are things I have to look at. That's how I turn a negative,,,, into a positive, nowadays. I could sit here and write three pages about how pissed I am that the landlord, will ONCE again, get away with taking some one's money, who works hard 40 hours a week to get it, not just sit back and collect it. But no, Im not going to do that. I will 'shine on' and know that I'm richer in MY life with things he's not even capable of seeing.
And that's how I sleep at night.
I know I'm trying my hardest, to stay off drugs, and away from them, anything to do with them. I try my hardest at work everyday to provide a good life for my son, and at least he'll know what I am, how I got there, and hopefully what NOT to do.

Well I'm leaving you with a picture of all (three) of my boys.
I love every one of them, with all my heart.
Thanks for reading..................................
stay tuned................................................

Saturday, September 1, 2012

About the lawyers appointment,,,, and my stubborn kid

Here we are,
the beginning of September already.
I cannot believe Sam will be four years old, soon. In december!!! Its just crazy!!! It's true what they say, time flies by. All you can do is "seize the day" and let it happen.
I heard a great quote this last week................
"this morning I went to wake up my baby, and there was a little boy there instead"

Yep, I can relate.

Yesterday morning I went to see an attorney. The landlord from the apartment has sent me a 'statement' saying he was 'holding' my deposit. Until when? doesn't say. Just to sum up, our 30 day notice said we'd be out by the 1st of august, but we ended up checking out on July 17th. Thats the day they picked, after I told them it was ready. We left a first, last, and deposit when we moved in (in 07) and we were a full month ahead on our rent, moving out. We had NO idea we would get 'in' to the new place as fast as we did. So anyways, this statement, said NOTHING about the full month ahead we were on rent. That worried me. I tried emailing the landlord, the manager and I even called a few times. NO reply.
So, I made the appointment with the lawyer.
Guess what he said????
The landlord technically he has until TUESDAY to give us a 'final statement'
If not, he'll owe DOUBLE the money. If he does give us a statement/money back but its missing the full months rent we were ahead, he'll owe DOUBLE that. Oh, and did I mention, HE will have to pay the attorney's fees????? ha ha ha
Im gonna win this one.
I even put all that, on our notice when we moved out, gave them a copy of our 'check in' sheet with all the money that we paid to move in, and a copy of the last time we paid rent, saying it was ahead.
I guess he didn't think I was serious. He must think Im still on drugs and theres NO way I'd pay a hundred bucks to go see a lawyer and figure out what my rights are. Boy, will he be wrong, if that's the case.
Now, there IS the chance he'll send it. . . . . . .   But I sorta think he would have at least replied to one email or phone call and said it was on the way. AT LEAST.
Now Im hoping that its the furthest thing from his mind!!!!!!!!!!!!
Double the $$$ would sure be nice!!!!!
******fingers crossed******

Sam got really sick at the end of  last weekend. He had a temperature of 103 under his arm.
Now, he's had high temp's before and wont drink anything, acts lethargic, etc.
The last time it happened we went to the ER. I couldn't get him to drink any tylenol, or take any, or drink even water, that I had put tylenol in. So his fever was getting worse and worse. To make a long story short, they ended up giving him tylenol rectally at the hospital. His fever came down, and he started drinking fluids, all was well.
So the nurse told me if it happens again, save a trip to the ER and just buy some OTC rectal tylenol.  I bought some then, in case his fever came back.
BACK to last weekend.................
Took his temp, and told him he needed medicine to feel better. I ran to the store and got EVERY flavor of chewable tylenol they had.
He HATES medicine, by the way.
I show him the chewables, and asked him what kind he wanted. He told me he WAS NOT gonna eat any medicine. I said, if you don't eat it, its going up your bum. One way or the other, your going to have it.
"up my bum" he replies.
Now, that is a stubborn child, right???? So mike helped hold him still, and we 'got the job done' and 30 mins later, his fever was down. About 4 hours later, I took his temp again, and you already know, it was back up to 103.
I gave him the choice, again!! I brought out all the flavors. He said he'd eat it this time, but as soon as he had them in his hand, he threw them to the dog!!!
then, he says,
Just put it in my bum. and stripped off his underwear.
OMG!! right???? Well, we repeated the process of last time, he got a piece of candy for holding still, and he didn't even whine!!!! I couldn't believe it.
Wow, my kid is stubborn.
So now, he still has a cough, but the fever only lasted about 24 hours. I took him to preschool monday morning and told them he still had a low grade fever but I hadn't given him Tylenol in about 12 hours.  My mom actually took vacation last week from work, so I had 'back up' ready to go. But, they didnt send him home, he did just fine.
He still has a lingering cough. I wish it would get better. Still congested and stuff. Im not sure how long to wait until I make a doctor's appointment for him. At this point, Im thinking I'll wait til the weekends over and see what he sounds like tuesday. It sorta seems like he's had some kind of cough, since he STARTED there. LOL

I see my doctor on Tuesday. Haven't seen him in a little over 3 months. It is nice these days not to have to go ALL the time like I did in the start.
He will be disappointed that I'm still smoking cigarettes. Yes, I know I need to quit, and Ive heard his speech so many times already I can prolly repeat it back to him. LOL
Its hard. I just need to buckle down and get it done. I feel like it's my last bad habit. It's my last 'link' to my 'past life'. Know what I mean???
Ive given up so much, yes, its all been good to give up, but I'm kinda like who cares if I smoke?
Im sure the dr's gonna ask what my 'plan' is when my patient assistance thing is over also with the suboxone. Well, I found out I can apply for the program again. (I apologize if Ive said this before) I'm going to stay on it. No plans to go 'off' for now. And if mike starts that new job, then we'll all have health insurance, more importantly prescription coverages. the Rx is the most expensive part of my treatment. But, I'd trade that any day to not go back. And with me on a somewhat lower dose than I was on, the cost would be right around $250 a month, or $125 each paycheck. Small price to pay, if you ask me!!!

So, I'm drawing up designs for my tattoo. No, I don't know exactly where it will go. But I do know I'm sure I want it. I want it to have bright colors, and 'stick out' from the crowd, kind of like I do. LOL
I think tattoos are the ultimate form of self expression. But that's how I was raised, too. And nowadays, way more 'normal' people have tattoos than EVER before.
I think they are great 'markers' for milestones, or whatever in your life. My first one was on my 18th birthday, (thanks mom) and the second I got at the Ozzfest concert Mike and I went to, after we first met. He got one at the same time, but NO they don't match. We did make a memory together, but if we ever broke up we wouldn't have 'matching tattoos' just got them the same place/time. That was the first concert I went to really. I went to a boy band concert when I was 11 I think, so you can see why I call Ozzfest my first concert. LOL

I painted my first set of Fiberglass doors this week at work. Yes, I was nervous about it at first. Everything turned out well. The primer ran on me, due to a problem I was having with the pump, for one thing. The gun kept clogging, like every 30 seconds. I still dont know what the problem was!! I had cleaned the machine totally out beforehand, the filters and everything. I strained the paint, I did everything like you are sopposed to. STILL clogged up on me, like a thousand times or thats what it seemed like!!!! I had a minor meltdown!! I wont lie. LOL
As soon as I saw that paint starting to run, and the pump was still screwing up, I just felt like I was gonna explode. Then the guy I work with, (yes my friend's boyfriend) walks into the back, and 'looks over' the doors,,,,,,,,,,,,,,says "oh man these look terrible, what happened?"
I just lost it.
seriously, all calmness had left my body an hour beforehand, after (re) cleaning the pump again and again. I yelled a few things, most of which I dont remember. Told him HE should paint them if 'its so easy' and walked out.
After a smoke break, I DID come back and apologize for yelling. Didn't really say sorry for WHAT I said, but how I said it. He seemed like he got over it pretty quick. So that made me gain a lil more respect for him. Since he didnt hold a grudge, or bring it up again.
And I finished the doors yesterday afternoon. I could have been done at 3 yesterday, the boss left town early friday morning. Im babysitting the dog by the I wanted to clean out the paint pump really good ,,, and a few other things, so I didn't leave until after 4pm.

Sure felt good driving outta there knowing I have three days off!!!! woo hoo!!

WELL, that's about all I got for now. Im going to figure out how to 'scan' the designs I have for my upcoming tattoo. LOL   I will add them to the page, when I figure out how to do it. Patience is key!!!!!

Hope everybody has a GREAT weekend.
THANKS so much, for all the kind words everybody.

To be continued