Sunday, August 5, 2012

Skeletons in the closet

Hello everybody. . . .
thankfully, today is much much cooler than yesterday. Uggh.
I hate to be one to complain, about much of anything these days, but 92 degrees, is just much too hot for me!!!
And not to mention my son. We were going to go to the fair, in the morning, then to the lake. That was the plan on Friday anyways. Well, when we were getting ready to leave around 1030 a.m, it was already almost 85 degrees!!!!
Mikes backing outta the drive way and says, are you SURE you wana go to the fair? What do you think about going out to the lake, then the fair, after it cools off around 4 or so???
I'm like
Ran inside and grabbed some towels, we were all good to go!!
So, we went swimming, even Fritz, for like four hours. Everybody had a LOT of fun. Fritz, is fairly protective over sam already, he barked whenever somebody splashed him or got to close. It doesn't take long to figure out, that sam belongs to Fritz now, not the other way around!!
But very cute, none the less.

So I know Ive talked about Mike's new job. He got sent home on Friday, nothing that he did of course, but a pain in the ass, still. I'll explain that in a second,
Both of us are still holding out hope, because he has his SECOND interview with the trash company, on tuesday. so everybody keep your fingers crossed for that. It starts out at $16 an hour, and full benefits after only 90 days. Yea, that would be a really good job, it really is for around here. And, Mike's been applying with them, since hes had a CDL, so for about SIX YEARS, he's been applying and this is the FIRST time, he's been interviewed over the phone, and called in for a 'panel' interview.
So anyways, both Mike and I have a 'checkered' past I guess you can say. Well, he passed the first part of the background check for his new job. then, on friday, the place called that insures his boss or whatever, and BOTH the guys that were hired (mike being one) got sent home, because of the FULL background check. Now, the other guy that was sent home, got fired, right off the bat. The company will NOT insure him AT ALL.
Mike, was sent home, and still has his company phone and everything like that, because the man said on the phone, that its the "arrest record'' thats the problem NOT the convictions. Mike only has two misdemeanor convictions, ever in his life.
He explained further that if mike sends in a letter of appeal, that its up to the 'discretion'' of the company at this point.
Well, whatever I guess. Im gonna help him with the letter today, and we'll get it sent in. But I think he's gonna knock the interview outta the park on tuesday anyways, and that's why things are working out this way. NICE way to hope, anyways, right????
If he doesn't get the job for western oregon waste (recology) Oh well, wasn't in the cards, and he can keep looking.
I don't really let myself get too bummed out about anything these days, becuase the old saying is true,
"My worst day clean, is better than my best day, using"
That rings completely true for me, and I say it to myself, ALL THE TIME.

Mike was pretty bummed out about the whole job thing. I told him that obviously there wasn't even a CHANCE for the other guy to keep working, so an appeal letter may actually work, and either way, not to really worry about it. He can still work at my shop off and on, to get us by till he finds something else.
Our bills are much more doable now in the trailer anyways. AND I forgot to mention last week in my entry ( I think) how much LESS FUEL I go thru, going to work and back!!!!
Its unbelievable.
Sam is doing so much better going to preschool. Now that its been a couple weeks, he is way better at drop off time , and always excited to see ya, when you pick him up!!!
Fritz has been going to work with my everyday, so he gets about as many hugs as I do, when we get to the car, but thats just fine, too!!

I had to go in last week, to get my denture adjusted. The front of it, was like severing off that little muscle, that holds your lip to your top gum. Holy crap it was so sore. The dentist asked why I didn't come in sooner, I said that I was waiting for it to "fix itself''
Ha ha ha, he didnt think that was too funny.
So now, he wants me back on tuesday, and once a week until there is no adjustments to be made, he says cuz obviously I don't know when to call him.
Now that he took off some of the front, it feels loose when I'm smiling really big and talking at the same time. I don't know what the answer is there, but I hope he does. I'm thinking he probably will be able to figure it out. It makes me feel self conscious obviously, cuz Im wondering if my teeth are going to fall out. So far, so good. LOL
As time goes by , they are feeling more and more like "normal"
I didn't think I was ever going to feel used to them. But it IS getting better.

Ive been reading that blog,
and its served as a real good reminder for me, of where I was and never need to be again. you know, you'd really think, you could hit some 'magic number' of days sober, and be cured. It would be so great, if you had an 'off switch' for craving an opiate high.... Or any other high I guess. But it just doesn't work that way.
I thought I already knew this. Ive tried to cope with the fact, that addiction wont ever go away. And even 10 years ago, when I thought it had gone away, it was still there, hiding in the dark.
That blog serves as a good inspiration to keep working on your recovery, always, no matter what.
There is so many of 'us' out there, that know what that battle is like. Trying to put your demons to sleep, and push the reset button. Theres WAY TOO MANY of us, that don't win the battle. That are taken prematurely from everyone that loves them, no matter how hard they were trying. And I dont pretend to know what the secret is. I really have no idea. The only thing I know for sure is,
its different for every single addict. That 'line' that you cross, or whatever happens, when you get the strength to reach out, and get there.  And even then, theres people that have years sober or clean (both) and have a momentary lapse in judgement, and they never get another chance.
thats it.
So it doesn't matter how much time you have, clean.
No, its definitely not fair.
I feel so lucky to be here today. I found out later, that there were plenty of times I could have died in my sleep, or any other number of occasions, but for some reason Im still here.
I have no intention of getting off suboxone any time soon. I am on a lower dose now, but I dont feel any difference. So I guess I did it right!!!! I wish there was more understanding about it, and not so many people view it as a 'substitute'
I know for ME, I would have never come this far, without it.
There are so many times before, that I tried to quit, I mean, I really did. I wanted to be free from the chains that matt talks about in his journal so very badly. But I just couldnt do it. And at the end, I was suicidal as well. And that was scary to me. Because I knew, that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and also that suicide seems to only hurt the ones that love you. I knew all of that, and never 'understood' it, until the last year or so of being dopesick every other day. Then, by that point, the 'sick' was so bad, I was willing to do ANYTHING, to take it away. I was beginning to think, the world would be better off without me anyways, I mean what good had I done in the last year???
Im thankful I never did it.
Im SO glad, that I got help when I did.
Its the hardest thing Ive ever done, and Ive never felt so much desperation, as I did then.

Wow I didnt mean to go to such a dark place there. I just want to make the point that, in order to keep this 'train on the tracks' I cant forget where Ive been.
That seems to be the key, in my case. Whenever I start to forget that, is when the cravings and random thoughts enter my head of using again. Or my brain tells me, that I could 'handle' it now, cuz Ive 'grown up' and I would be able to do it, without it taking over my life.
thats funny, isn't it???

For today, Im not going anywhere, Im right here, with my little boy. And my new place.
Enjoying life's little moments.
we had a BLAST at the fair last night. We paid for some friends to go with us, and so Sam could have  friend to ride the rides with. Let me say, that would have NEVER happened in the 'old days'. (and no, they werent the 'good ol days'!!)

 Thanks mom, and grandma for always loving me , no matter what. Thanks Mike for being the most compassionate man Ive ever known. THANKS to my whole family, for giving me a soft place to land, when I fell.
And thank you very much Sam, for your forgiveness. I know you will read this some day, whether you want to or not. . . . . .
THANK YOU everybody, for your continued support of me, and my journey. For this journey does not have  a destination, and will be ongoing. Its all the little comments/remarks I get, that keep me going, on a daily basis. Sometimes, an hourly basis!!!

To be continued. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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