Saturday, August 11, 2012

My file cabinet, links to the past

Hello, friends :-}

So, we got mike's letter sent in, last weekend. You wouldn't believe what that poor guy had to go thru though. After he sent in a six page letter, pretty much explaining everything from his past, he had to provide police reports, to back up his 'story' in each of the two 'situations'
Yes, it was tiring, to say the least. I couldn't believe it, but the courthouse charges $50-$75 per HOUR, for 'research' on a case, older than five years.
We dug, and dug, and dug some more. And somehow maraculously found arraignment paperwork and police reports all the way from 2000. Crazy? you betcha.
BUT, he does now, still have a job.
And no word from the trash company yet. They told him he'd know by tuesday,(one way or the other) for sure. The waiting, is the WORST. But, now at least he has the one job, if nothing else. He did like it, for the two weeks he did it before. His boss explained, that he's on a probationary period, for now. Mike says, nothing's changed with me, only with you. And its  not really his boss, that had the problem with his background, it has to do with the insurance and all that. Pretty sure I explained that last week. Im just relieved, that we'll be okay now, one way or the other. yes, Im still hopeful, for the garbage company, but its not 'life and death' now, for lack of a better term.

That took up most of my nights this week, digging for old paperwork, and scanning it into the computer.
Along with that, I found all kinds of other court documents, old bills, old everything. Most of it of course relating to the beginning of my demise.
You know, I took opiates regularly from about 2001. I was trying to remember, the first time I went thru actual with drawls. Remembering actually experiencing it, is easy, its connecting a date to it, thats difficult. I know it was sometime in 2003. By 05, I was taking something, every single day, and the days of being able to take 'just' vicodin, were long gone. Of course I'd try to 'make it' on vicodin, but I always ended up being dope sick after 4 hours or so.
Anyways, back to my point.........................
Looking thru all this old stuff, brought up a rush of emotion for me. All the old feelings of guilt, shame, hopelessness, you know.
I tried to just 'work thru it' in my head. Like Ive read about.
Its okay, Im in a much better place now. You just can't help but ask yourself how you let it be so completely out of control, for so long!!!
I remember thinking, at those times, THIS is what addiction is. Im just the same, as any other junkie. There IS help, somewhere. But your pride gets in the way. You think you are doing such a good job of covering everything up, and thats the goal, you've worked at each and every day, for so damn long, theres just NO WAY, your gonna give up on all of that really easily!! no way!!

There's a file cabinet, in my kitchen with all these old documents filed away. The same thing exists in my head. But the things that are filed away, are memories, feelings, and resentments.
Its okay for me to visit them, once in awhile. Might be even good to do so.
I'm no expert!! I'm just trying to do better, NOW.

So, we had to go to Portland, and get Mike's work van back. We left this morning, around 10am. And we had already decided we were going to borrow grandma's car, she has GPS, and let's face it, our car has almost 300K miles.
Anyways, glad we had that planned, in advance. It was already getting warm outside, and the A/C decided to stop working in our car. Yep, the heater too.
I know it must be the fan motor or something, you can hear it 'click' when it wants to come on. When you flip the switch I mean. AND the rear fan, works, it blows out both cold and hot air.
***sigh***
Just one more thing, that DOESNT work in my car. But this thing, is a little more major. the other problems, aren't really a necessity. (cd player broken, passenger window only goes down from driver controls, passenger door doesn't lock, back door wont unlock)  Anyways, Im gonna have to do something, like take it to the shop, before september comes. Just one more thing to 'budget' in. So, we are getting on our way..............
We don't get but about 20 miles from home, and Sam starts vomiting.
yep..........................perfect.
I felt so bad for him!!! I always do, when he gets sick like that. He threw up on my sweatshirt, then his dad's, then grandma's blanket. Then he fell asleep for awhile.
We had him stripped down to his underwear cuz everything else was dirty, to say the least.
Finally, we made it there. Got stuck in traffic on Hwy 26, for about 45mins. We forgot that I-5 south, is closed on the weekends right now in the surrounding area of portland. So on the way home, we took hwy 30.
Left at 10am, got to the service station, to get the truck around 1pm. Then to meet mike's boss for a fill-up at 130. Then, had to drive thru town, to get to the open end of the freeway, in order to get going in the right direction.
Arrived home at 430pm.
Been a long day. We originally talked about going to one of the waterparks in portland while we were there, since it was going to be warm. But with Sam dry-heaving by the time we got the truck, the only thing to do was drive straight home.
He is feeling better now. I let him have a fudge cycle, when we got home, and now he's eating potato chips. Im wondering if it was something he ate, that made him sick, or if he just picked up a weird bug, from daycare???

Speaking of preschool/daycare, he is enjoying going much more than the first week. Its so much easier to drop him off now!!! He has a few friends, and loves to play outside, with all the kids.
He's definitely excited to be picked up, but its not so hard leaving him now. yes, now its like I feel bad, cuz he DOESNT need me, ha ha ha ha. Its always something I guess!!!
Its awesome listening to him talk about his day, and sing me songs, and everything else. His lil face just lights right up.

Work, is staying busy. Not too busy, not too slow. Just perfect if you ask me. Mike worked with me three days last week, just so we could  have $$$ coming in. Its really cool of my boss, to let him work, when he's 'availible'. Not that he couldnt use him, but you know what I mean. He could easily call the temp agency, and get whoever just for a day or two.
Theres supposed to be someone new, starting monday. The latest guy that was there, got fired on tuesday. Batter up, I guess.
The job in itself, isn't difficult at all, I mean, its physically demanding, yes. You have to constantly move doors around, and trim, and a variety of other things. Load/unload deliveries, move equipment around, etc. It is a little on the stressful side, for me. I dont think the "number two'' person has that much to stress about. Im the one that has to keep the jobs on time, and the one responsible for the 'product' looking the way it should. I just think in this county, its hard to find a good employee. Everyone that wants to be working, already is I guess. And since it doesn't pay that great, people that do work , leave for 'better opportunities'. And you can't blame them. I almost left not too long ago. My driving record still sucks, and to tell you the absolute truth, Ive worked for MANY contractors/construction places already. Meaning, they probably dont want any more of Amber. They only know the person I used to be, not who I am now.
Thats one of the reasons, I feel 'loyalty' to my boss.
He gave me a chance, when nobody else would. Like I said, I do enjoy the work I do, so that makes some of the other problems, 'fade' into the background. And now, with Mike working the $$$ issue is no longer a concern.
What I wanted to say, was that when I got knocked into the top spot, I hadn't really ever painted  a door, or clear coated (lacquered) a door. I had cleared/painted a small amount of trim. So, I was pretty damn nervous about doing these doors/trim for these multi-million $ homes, as you can probably imagine!!
I'm happy to report, that all my stuff, looks really great!!
Yes, it took some practice, and I'm still not perfect, meaning some stuff still gets 4 coats before its ready, but I'm getting there.
My boss totally trusts me and my judgement, of whats 'ready' and whats not. I have to give him the time lines on when things are going to be done, (and stick to them!) making sure they are perfect in the process. yes, sometimes I get overwhelmed. But it makes me feel better about myself, when I get things done, and they look awesome, and the customer (not to mention, boss) is absolutely happy with the results!!!

So, everythings going fairly well.It'd be great if Mike gets that new job, but at least now, if he doesn't we are still just fine.
The last (almost) 16 months have definitely been the happiest I can remember.

Thanks, again, to everyone for your continued support, in the battle for my life.
all my love, until next week..............................................................


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