Saturday, August 25, 2012

about the future, attempted amends, and my son

Hello all.
Mike finally heard from the trash company. They are 'proceeding with his paperwork' which means, as long as he passes all that stuff, then he has the job, I think. That would mean, benefits for us. We havent had medical insurance in a long time. Mike was covered when he worked for the concrete company, but to add me or sam on his insurance, was over $150 PER week. Not to mention, that would mean about $300 per week for the whole family. Yea, right. Most of the time, he didn't even make that. Anyways, it would also mean a 'set' schedule, and definitely steady employment.  So, apparently I was wrong, and there's hope yet, that he may get that job. :-}

Work is going well for me. We are pretty busy still, which definitely makes me happy. My friend's boyfriend started working with me,the week before last. That's been a little weird to say the least. I mean, its okay, Ive just never been in a situation quite like it before. Especially since, technically, Im his supervisor. I'm doing everything I can to not be biast. Not that there really is any damage done either way, its a small company, so its actually only me, him, and the general manager. Its been me and the general manager now since the guy left the beginning of July, that I had worked with the last year and a half.
I was so stressed out when he left, about painting and doing everything on my own. He had over 5 years of experience there, so he was definitely the guy that could answer questions. When he put in his two week notice, I asked/learned everything I possibly could.

Anyways, what Im getting at is, , , , , , much to my surprise, every thing's been going really well. Yes, Ive had some things that had to be sanded down and done over. But the end result, has been great, so far. My boss has been relieved, that I was able to pick up the skills I needed and get it together in a short amount of time. I always just did the trim work, mill work, closet stuff before. So now Im painting/lacquering all the doors, millwork, everything. It's now my responsibility as soon as it comes off the truck. To get things done on time, and for them to look great. That has really helped my confidence level.
I was really worried about money about two months ago as well. But now that we've moved and mike was able to find a decent job, theres a LOT less stress, in that department!!! Its soooooo much easier to try and pay bills, with two paychecks coming in.

Ya know, I cant remember the last time that I worked somewhere and I didnt have to worry about being fired!! of course the shop could lose business, and I wouldn't have a job to go to, that's always a concern. But what Im saying is, I'm NOT in fear, of being fired for something IN my control. Its just so foreign!! ha ha ha
Definitely a NICE change though, I must admit.

Now that Ive explained all the good stuff, I guess its time to talk about all the other crap.
Just to letcha know, I still haven't hit that magic amount of days, where all my cravings go away!!! Im pretty sure that day, doesn't exist.
But Im still holding out hope!!!
At work last week, a guy came in, that I used to talk to ALL the time. Ive talked about him briefly, before on this blog. He is the 'brother' of one guy I carried on a few conversations with, in the past 16 months. The big difference here, with this guy is I know that technically, I owed him money/pills at one point. I don't remember paying him back , but I do remember trying to.
So, here we are, I haven't seen him in two years, (other than driving by or walking by) and he comes pulling in to pick up a lumber pack. His boss, is one of the contractors that uses us, all the time.
And, I know, for a fact he is still actively using, from when I talked to his brother, and of course Ive seen him and other people (including his bro) making 'exchanges' in the parking lot of rite aid/safeway when Im at lunch or going to rite aid myself. While Im on the subject, next time your at your local pharmacy, do yourself a favor and look around.
Look and see how many people you see standing in the parking lot on the phone, sitting in their cars 'waiting' for something. If they are waiting FOR the pharmacy, why are they not inside??? Don't take my word for it, just look around. Now, yes, some people may be legitimately waiting on their spouse or whatever. But, watch a lil longer and just see if you can catch some 'exchanges' yourself. A car door opens, somebody stands at the window of the other car for a second. someone walks outta the store up to a car window, passes something and gets into another car. This is a much bigger addiction than most people realize.
Anyways, back to the other day...................
I say, "how's life man"
he replies 'fine'. In a cold, I don't wana talk to you AT ALL kinda way.
I just load the lumber pack, four boards at a time, silently.
After a few minutes, I say Im sorry for anything/everything I might have done while I was all fucked up man.
No reply.
I thought to myself, I should try harder to apologize. I should try to say something, explain myself further. The other part of my brain says, you've been in his shoes before, the one still using, with someone else trying to 'talk' to them.
what did you do then?
I didn't listen to anybody. Or anything.
So I thought, you know what? If he doesn't want to accept my apology, or accept my sober self, then that's his problem I guess. One thing sobriety has taught me, is that I cannot change anybody else. The only person I'm in charge of is, me. My son too, but I cannot 'make him' do much, of anything.
I already know he's surely heard everything Ive said to his brother.
So Im not going to be telling him any 'front page' news. And, obviously he's not interested, or he would have said SOMETHING.
All I can do is TRY.
I did, and yes it failed, but that's the way it is sometimes. he's probably mad at himself for being almost 40 and nothing to show for it. Not that I have a whole lot, but he still lives in his parents' garage. And he's okay with that. Hell, I would have been too, in my using days.
So I'm not judging him by any means.
What I was doing was trying to remember how I felt, when somebody left the 'scene' and excelled. I wasn't mad per say, but definitely like " I wish I could do that"
But it didn't go any further than a thought.
I don't miss that desperation, one bit.
However, it is important to reflect on it, from time to time.

I cannot believe how fast my son is growing. It feels like just yesterday he was coming home from the hospital.
The last six months, have been the most changing that I can remember. Six mos ago, he was talking you know, in small sentences. Now he's talking in paragraphs!! And I'm pretty sure he's telling me about dreams he has at night, he also makes up stories and tells them to me. It's so funny, to take a step back and look at things from his point of view. Life really is that simple you know.
WE are the ones that make it complicated. His eyes are so innocent, so nieve, and yet, I feel like when he looks into my eyes he can see right into my soul.
At least now, I CAN look him in the eye. I remember trying not to let him look in my eyes, a year and half ago. Even though he was only two, I still felt like he could see this big disappointment that I had become. or maybe that's how I felt when he'd look at me.
I so treasure the moments we spend together. No, its not all sunshine and rainbows. We do argue, he decides not to listen to me on a daily basis. But he gets over it pretty quick, and I'm pretty fast at pointing out the next GOOD thing he does. I  try to tell him thank you and good job on anything and everything I can. If I don't, then I feel like I'm just saying "no" all day long!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's made some good friends at preschool. He has about 3 kids that like to hug him good bye at the end of the day!! I was so worried he wasn't going to fit in or something, at first. When I wake him up in the morning, of course he tells me he doesn't want to get up, but by the time he's dressed, he's excited to go to school.
Feels a lot better than peeling him off me, when we get there!!! ha ha ha

Fritz (our dog) is doing great too. Now he and sam have a game they play, where sam holds the tug-of-war toy, and Fritz drags sam, all over the house or the yard, depending on where they are. Sam giggles so hard he can hardly breathe!!! Just that intoxicating kiddie laugh, where they giggle non-stop. I think its the best sound in the world. I don't care how shitty of a day you've had, you hear that, and you cant help but to smile. I took a couple pictures of them playing , so I'll put those at the bottom today. you can get the idea of the game, but no picture can do it justice. LOL

I think I'm just about ready to get a tattoo of my sober date. Some people have said, well what if it changes???
Well, it'll still be the day I decided to change my life. I'm not planing on a relapse, ever. But if it did happen, hopefully somebody would knock me out and take me to rehab, immediately if my 'slip' lasted longer than 5 minutes. Knowing that, then my 'date' won't change.
This is still the longest stint of sobriety Ive had, ever.
So now I have to think something up, some kind of design and decide where to put it.
Ive thought of the serenity prayer before, since I still say that to myself probably every day. And in the first three months or so, it was more like every minute. Ha ha ha ha

As always, thanks for listening.
Thank you so much. Everybody that's around me or thinks of me, leaves me comments, ETC, THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart, I can never thank you enough.
to be continued............................................................

here's some pictures :-}


  1. I really enjoy reading your blog Amber! Thank you for allowing us into such an intimate part of your life. You are an inspiration! You should be so proud! Keep trucking mama! One day at a time!

  2. Thanks Alyssa :-}
    when I started this, I would've been just fine with it, if nobody read it!! I needed some sort of release for all the things I feel and go thru. Now, that Ive heard from more than one person that it helps them, almost as much as me, or helps a mom understand her child more, well thats a dream come true. It STARTS to make up for all the not-so-great decisions Ive made in the past. Im so glad to hear you've found hapiness as well girl!! you deserve it!!!!