Sunday, June 17, 2012

Test in progress???

First of all, I'm wishing all the dads out there a Happy Father's Day!!!!!
Mikes getting his favorite, breakfast for dinner tonight. And its extra-special because I bought bacon, I never buy it, and I'm even gonna cook it!! Bacon is just really expensive, and not really good for you, AND
when I was pregnant, before I knew it, I made bacon, and the SMELL made me VIOLENTLY ill. I'm not even joking. It was the next day I figured out I was pregnant. And I couldn't STAND the smell, or thought of bacon the ENTIRE pregnancy, or I'd be sick immediately.
And Mike said today, we'll find out if Sam likes bacon, Im like , oh yeah, he's NEVER eaten it!! Its been THAT long since I made any!!!!  LOL

Okay, now that that's outta the way.............
So a few weeks ago I figured out that these two brothers , I used to 'deal with' are around again. Not that they ever 'went anywhere', but one of them works really close to where I work. Ive seen him a few times, he's talked to me and figured out that I'm not up to all that bad shit anymore. The last few times I saw him he didn't really speak to me, or even look at me.
Theres a lil more to this story........
About a month before I got on suboxone, I had a deal sort of go 'bad' with these two. They/he gave me fake/counterfeit money, 500 dollars worth. And I being the dumb ass I was then, went and tried to pay a bill with it. Then the cops got involved. I didn't know it was fake, until that point. The sheriff pressured me and pushed like you couldn't believe. I still wanted to 'collect' the REAL money, so I didnt tell them shit. What an idiot I was to think I was still gonna get paid!! But I digress.........................
So I run into these two yesterday, and I'm getting something for work, I'm pretending to be in a hurry. The one, that works close to me, says, ----------hey do you remember what happened? what did you ever say to the cops?
"well I didnt say much of anything, obviously, cuz you never got in trouble, and you never made it right either, but Im alot better these days and Ive put that shit behind me"
-----Oh, okay.
Im putting my stuff away, from the lumberyard and eating at the same time and I see these two making a "B line" for my car.
They are all the way across the parking lot, and I can see a pill bottle in his hand. YEP, time to flee.
Becuase I know, by NOW, this will not end well.
I throw my shit in the car, and get in, now theyre closer, yea its definitely a pill bottle, and now I can even see pills in it.
(starting the car) "maybe I should just talk to him, maybe he'll give me money" Says the ADDICT half of my brain.
says the OTHER half...
I follow through, but I do wave goodbye.

Now my heads all messed up. Going back and forth, do I turn around, do I find his phone number, no of course not, get your ass back to work, NOW.
But this goes on and on the rest of the afternoon.
I got some really good advice from another former opiate addict once. Who has a totally different take on how to handle cravings. You kind of 'sit' with the craving, and let it happen, thinking every part of it all the way through, good and especially bad.
So Im doing this for the first time. . . .
Then I try to 'center' myself, yes all the while at work, trying to do my job too.

So I get THROUGH that unscathed, and TODAY
I see another ex-friend of mine.
This one I was with just about every day, especially towards the end. I was there when her baby was taken away from her, then even took her to state supervised visits, afterwards. I cant even begin to tell you how many things we did together, that have their own sort of 'bond'
So I was at the grocery store, with my mom and grandma.
grandma wanted to buy sam a new water shoes for this summer. They were in line, and I had to get change.
I see her from a distance, and Im telling myself, youve GOT to be careful right now, because of all the thoughts Ive had in the last 24 hours.
She seems excited to see me, wanted to talk about getting a ride (of course) and even wanted a hug.
I know I came off as really rude, but I just couldn't risk it. And any other day I might have even given her a ride.
But this addiction thing, sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Just  because I have 14 months, and two days off opiates, doesn't mean I cant royally screw it ALL up in one millisecond bad decision.
Some people might be reading this thinking, what the hell is wrong with talking to somebody?
The thing is,
as a drug addict, your always walking at the edge of this cliff.
your 'rock bottom' is down the canyon there, right below you all the time. And lets face it, it took alota hard work to get all the way up here to begin with. Anyways, just talking to that person, brings you one step closer to the edge. And the closer you are, the easier it is, to just 'fall'
and you wont even know what the hell happened, until your down there at the bottom again.

No thanks.
The view from the top is pretty freaking great.

But I still have to be careful. Im just feeling nervous.
And I dont share alot of these thoughts with people close to me, because it makes them nervous I think. And it shouldn't because sharing these thoughts is really what Im supposed to do. It 'unloads' them from my conscious. I cant explain it anymore than that. Its just how it works for me. And being able to write about it here, REALLY helps too. I get to 'play' it all out, when I explain here, and then it makes more sense to me why I had such a hard time with the situation.

Recovery, sobriety, and doing the right thing are not easy. Theres no free ride, and theres NO easy days, or sick days.  Its a challenge, every day to not get high.
But Im doing it.

I worked yesterday, almost all day. So that gave me about 15 hours of OT. When I got home, we went to the beach, to let Sam run amok.
Im so looking forward to next weekend. We are going to go across the river, to Washington and go get some fireworks.
Yes, I get excited about fireworks now. Big ones anyways. And having the MONEY to buy some, is huge.
Last year we were way to broke still to buy any. At the 4th of July last year, I had only been working like 3 weeks.
This year's completely different. Sam was still a bit skiddish to the fireworks too. A neighbor lit some off at new years time just a few months ago, and Sam was ALL over it. So to sum it up,,,,, this year "Its On"

The condo job will be over at the end of this next week, by friday. I may have to go pick up tools and stuff next monday, but basically, its over friday. I think Ive said before its bittersweet. I'll miss the money, but not the stress. The other thing is, this project has really helped me get back on my feet, financially, and its helped me build my confidence up again. So in the future, when I drive by it, or family stays there from out of town, thats what I'll think of.

And I go back to the dentist tomorrow afternoon.
I'm equally excited and nervous about the 'process' of my teeth too. The appointment tomorrow is just for a 'bite ring'
I think they may schedule my last extraction/getting new teeth appointment tomorrow also. If so, I'll more than likely post about it.

Well, thanks for letting me share all of my emotional garbage, I sure feel better now.

The bottom one is from just last night, at the beach.
I forgot to mention up top, the 14th, I hit 14 months, WOO HOO.
cant wait til I post pics on here, of my NEW smile............................
Have a great rest of your Sunday everyone!!

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