Sunday, June 3, 2012

A little about death, teeth, and addiction

Went to the dentist yet again on Thursday.......
Completed the impressions......(Boy that was a super fun appointment)

It was a little challenging getting the impressions done, but it was pretty cool to pick out the 'shade' my NEW teeth will be!!!! It just became more 'real' at that point, I'm not sure. I'm excited and scared, all at the same time. Working thru the emotions of needing dentures at 30 yrs old, the cost of them, and the pain Ive gone through to get to this point, has been exhausting. But I'm doing it, and I'm not getting high, which means Im still doing the right thing.

Im still getting by on less suboxone. Pleasantly surprised that this is possible, all while not really noticing a difference. Im lucky to not have side effects from this medication, like others do. I'm trying to prepare myself for October when my patient assistance program may not get redeemed for another 12 months. Theres just no way I want to pay $500+ a month for medication, if I can get by on less, you know? Even if I couldn't get by on less, the 500 per month is still WAY less than what my addiction cost me, that I know for a fact. So doing some calculations on what I'm taking now, it would only cost about $200 month, which works out to $100 a paycheck, and that is totally acceptable for me. Not having THAT worry is great. I know I stress myself out about things I shouldn't but it seems like I cant really help it. But Ive noticed if I find a solution, at least one, then Im not stressed out about it anymore, at least not nearly as much!!

This weekend, another life was lost here in Clatsop County. And because of the circumstances, another persons life will be forever changed, along with the family members that will miss him while he's "away"
Its a tragedy, no matter how you look at it, or from what angle you view it. I cant imagine the guilt I would feel, if someone were to get hurt or god forbid killed at the hand of me driving under the influence. Im no better than this person, because in a split second, it COULD have been me 14 months ago. Then I would have been the one either going to jail or having funeral arrangements made. These things happen on a daily basis across this country. I can almost feel the hearts breaking in these people's lives. For the family who lost someone permanently, the family who will temporarily lose someone, and that life will never be the same again.
Im so grateful I got out of my addiction before something like this happened to me, and my family.

One thing I had to do in counseling, was imagine my own funeral. Who would be there, and what they would say. Its a hard thing to do. But its powerful.
Death takes many, many addicts way too early. On the other hand, at that point you know they are done suffering, and putting their loved ones through the cycle as well.  I once heard the mother of a drug addict say she was happy when her son would go to jail, because at least she knew where he was and that at least for that day, he wasnt dead. She had completely prepared herself for his death and thought of it as a "relief" at that point. If he was dead, she didnt have to worry any more.
That really hit me.
I had wondered if my family had done the same thing. Did they think I was going to die???
"But I dont want to die"

That's part of what keeps me so scared to go back. If every relapse is increasingly worse, theres not much room left for me. I was already in bad shape from every time I had tried to quit before and was unsuccessful, it just made my addiction THAT much more powerful. It was like feeding the monster, and poking him with a stick.

He's asleep these days. I know he never ever goes away.

I saw an old friend of mine the other day............. This guy I drove to Portland with on many, many occasions. You spend that much time with another person, you are going to know each other pretty well. I said Hi, But I was just ignored.
At first, I was blown away by this. Like, what the hell did I ever do to him??
He cant even say Hi to me??
I thought to myself, "He treated me like a leper"
Then I remembered, I used to do that too.
Like my friend that got me into my treatment program, the first time she told me about suboxone, I wouldn't even look at her.
Maybe I was afraid I was gonna "catch" sobriety.
what a tragedy that would have been. Ha Ha Ha

On the other hand, recovery DOES NOT work if the person isn't ready.
So I'm glad I was ready when I jumped in, with both feet.
There were plenty of times I gave it a 'half ass' try before, but I was the only one that knew about it, therefore the only one to hold myself "accountable"
You know how that worked out, right???

What matters is that I'm here now, and Ive been here for 13 and a half months.

I cant even believe it.
One day at a time, only works on the good days. Most of the time in the early days, it was ONE HOUR at a time, or even ten minutes.
" if I can get through the next ten mins without trying to get dope, maybe I can do this "

I say whatever works for each person, is what their recovery needs to be.

Oh yea,
Ive been at my job almost a  year now. I cant believe THAT either. Last week, I was thinking back to when  the last time was, that I held a job for a year. Which to be absolutely fair, construction jobs are pretty hard to come by long-term as it is, so keep that in mind.
In 2005 I had a job at a glass company, that I worked for just under two years. I started in 2003, and quit in '05, its a little fuzzy but I'm 90% sure about it.
From 2001-2003 I worked for the same union construction company too.
Somewhere around 2004 is when I started taking some kind of pain pill every day. (that's when my grandpa died too, I just put that together) Before that, I would just 'binge'
Functional, I think they call it. That time period was comparable to that of a binge drinker. Id look forward to every weekend, just so I could get fucked up. And that worked, at least for awhile.

After that I had jobs, but they didn't last too long. Some times I got hired just as temporary help anyway, where it wasn't a permanent thing to begin with.
Ive walked off job sites, and quit just because I got the 'phone call' I was waiting for.
Completely ridiculous I know.
And I worked for myself for awhile. That went okay for the most part, somehow I managed to hold it together most of the time. It always felt like I was walking on the razor's edge though. Like any day I was going to be 'found out' and everything would come crashing down.

"addiction is no way to live, but a great way to die"

Sums it up perfectly doesn't it?

I'm still blown away on how fast, things can come together. It took almost ten years for me to ruin everything, the last 4 especially.
But here it is, almost 14 months later, and things are OK.
Sure, things could be better,
but being from where I was to get here, they could be MUCH, much worse.

Today, I'm grateful to be alive, and have a second chance (maybe 8th?)

I don't know whats next on the horizon for me. I'm happy to take life as it comes these days, and never to take it for granted. You never know when life will be taken from you, or your loved ones. So what they say is true,
Live every day as if it were your last.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday, and tells the people closest to them how much they are appreciated.  Thanks for the support

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